The Smiling Detective
by Flaring Rhythm
Summary: Friends, family, laughter, romance. Through the good times, the bad times, and, indeed, the slightly strange times, friends are there for eachother. Skulduggery and Valkyrie are there for eachother. Good lord. Valduggery/Fletchyrie/Ghanith/Others. Songfic
1. All About You, Mcfly

**Right, for those of you that have already read this, this is a re-upload. I'm going to try and re-upload most of my chapters so I can correct the appalling spelling, punctuation, and grammar. **

**And I'm really sorry about all that, by the way. But I don't do crap grammar etc any more (well, I TRY not to) **

**But the other reason I'm re-uploading is to tell you about the Valduggery Petition.**

**Because I know that you probably read this, couldn't be bothered to read the other one-hundred-and-something chapters, one of which has the V.P posted at the top…so, here it is! Just send this to me in a review! : **

**I, (insert some sort of name), will support the Valduggery Petition and fight with my fellow Valduggery supporters for the right to be able to read Valduggery in the Skulduggery Pleasant series! I will NOT give up my quest! **

**Signed faithfully, **

**(Insert some sort of name) **

**And Guys, please get EVERYONE you know, who supports Valduggery, to sign this! Or put down their name! We need LOADS of people! **

**And please make sure they actually DO support Valduggery because it would be unfair to put their name down and they actually don't support Valduggery. Hurry up and GET CRACKING! **

**Love n peas n bacon hamsters, **

**Flaring**

**Xooo **

All about you-Mcfly

Skulduggery sat and watched Valkyrie sleep.

It was about 1.30 in the morning and they'd just got home from a case. They were in Gordon's mansion in the study.

Valkyrie stirred in her sleep and pouted. Skulduggery chuckled. She even got annoyed in her sleep. Nice.

Skulduggery found her sleep interesting, because he himself could only meditate. And of course, he'd never seen anyone sleep before; he found it interesting how she slept. Which we've already established.

Skulduggery looked around the room. It was a mess again.

Two days ago Skulduggery had made her tidy it because he couldn't get the door open. But Valkyrie had denied that statement because he used the window and not the door. He had made her tidy it anyway even though they hadn't got very far because Valkyrie had got bored and started throwing manuscripts at him.

There was a thick manuscript on the desk now.

It had 'Skulduggery Pleasant' printed across the front in Valkyrie's handwriting.

Inside, was a drawing of a skeleton with fire in his hand. He was wearing a familiar coat and a familiar hat.

It was an amazing black and white drawing.

Skulduggery turned to the next page. It was a book. All Valkyrie's handwriting.

Skulduggery sat down beside Valkyrie, who was still asleep, and started to read.

When he looked up again- it was 10.30 the next morning.

'Good God, Skulduggery muttered. He set down the manuscript on the desk. He couldn't believe he'd read all that long, but it was really good.

Valkyrie stirred and opened her eyes against the light that was streaming through the half open.

'Good morning,' Skulduggery said.

'Hi,' Valkyrie said brightly, 'How long have I been asleep?'

'All night'

'And you stayed?'

'Of course'

Valkyrie hugged him

'Thanks,' she sighed, 'What did you do all night?'

'Well…' Skulduggery started.

Valkyrie followed his gaze to the open manuscript laying face down on the desk. Which was pretty hard considering he had no eyes. But, Valkyrie being Valkyrie, could usually do the impossible more than Skulduggery could.

She blushed.

'You read it then, huh?'

'I couldn't stop reading it- it's amazing, Val! You never told me you could write- or even draw like that!'

Valkyrie smiled

'Thanks'

'You're very welcome'

Valkyrie reached up, kissed Skulduggery's cheek, and bounded off to get dressed, leaving Skulduggery dumb-struck, and outrageously, deliriously happy.


	2. American Idiot, Green Day

American idiot- green day

Valkyrie hated school. Like, _really_ hated it.

And right now, she pretty much hated skulduggery too.

Valkyrie gave one last long glare at skulduggery.

'You don't have to be that mean, really.' Skulduggery sighed

'Ha!' Valkyrie said

They were sitting outside her school and Valkyrie was practically refusing to get out of the Bentley.

'Look, it's just one day. Please go. For me?' skulduggery asked. Pleading this time.

Valkyrie sighed.

'Fine' she snapped 'but you better call me supreme overlord Cain for the next four weeks for enduring seven hours of hell- ok?'

'I'll consider it'

Valkyrie had to smiled

For all his annoying crap, He was great. And her favourite way to spend time was pointlessly arguing with him and then collapsing into laughter.

'I'll collect you after. That mildly better?' skulduggery asked as Valkyrie grabbed her school bag.

Valkyrie looked at him and smiled

'Only if you call me supreme overlord Cain'

'You wish, go on, and get out before I have to _blast_ you out'

'Bite me'

'Women'

'Yeah, we are great aren't we?'

'Not a bit'

'Awww, I love you too' she said sarcastically but she blushed and skulduggery knew he would've too.

'Go!' skulduggery laughed

Valkyrie grinned and got out of the car

She loved him, not as a brother or a father, but as a man. But he probably didn't love her back. Which made her sadder than anything.

Skulduggery drove away, taking one last look at her.

She was beautiful

And he was pretty much crazy about her.

But who would love a skeleton?.....

It was lunch time now, and Valkyrie had finally mustered up the courage to do what she had to do.

'Stephanie!'

Valkyrie turned round and smiled.

Daniel terry was an American boy in valkyries class and as much as Valkyrie loved skulduggery, he probably didn't love her back, so he would have to do. After all, he was pretty good looking.

'Hey Daniel'

'Hey, how are you?'

'Im fine, I- uh- have something to ask you'

'Yeah?'

Valkyries heart was beating in her chest.

'Would you- you know- l-like to go out sometime? Together?' Valkyrie stammered

Daniels face fell

'Oh. Sorry steph. But I, like, have a girlfriend. Sorry'

Valkyries heart cracked

't-that's ok' she choked

And then she turned and fled into the girls toilets.

Once she was securely in a cubicle, she dialled skulduggery. He answered on the first ring

'Hello?' he asked

'h-hey s-skulduggery, can you come and get me p-please?' Valkyrie choked, refusing not to cry right now

'Yes of course- valkyrie- what's wrong?' he asked softly

'N-nothing I j-just can't stand school any more. Just c-come and collect me p-please?'

'Yes, I'll be there in five minuets' skulduggery said

't-thank you' Valkyrie stammered and then hung up

She collected her bags from her locker and then went out to wait in the office

'Are you alright pet?' the receptionist asked kindly

'Y-yes, my uncles coming to collect me'

'Ok, are you sure you're alright?'

'Y-yeah'

The receptionist looked at Valkyrie with concern until skulduggery arrived

He thanked the receptionist for looking after Valkyrie, took Valkyries bags, and led her out the door

When they were outside he slid his free arm around her shoulders and cradled her to his chest. She buried her head in his shoulder, hiding her face, as a small tear escaped her eye. She didn't dare try to wipe it away in case he noticed.

'Are you sure your ok?' he murmured softly in her ear.

Valkyrie nodded

They got into the car and Valkyrie just stared out the window.

Skulduggery let her stay silent for the journey

They pulled up at Gordon's mansion and sat in the car for a moment in dead silence

Skulduggery took her hand.

'What happened valkyrie?' he asked softly

She shrugged

'Did something happen?'

Nod

'Did someone hurt you?'

Slower nod

'Why?'

Shrug

'Do you want to tell me?'

She shook her head

'You know you can trust me with anything don't you?'

Nod

'Please tell me Valkyrie, I cant stand it when your unhappy or hurt, you know I cant. Will you tell me?'

She shook her head again

Skulduggery took her chin gently and tilted it up so she was looking at him

'If you want to talk to someone or just want company

Call me before you call anyone else. Ok?'

Nod

'Do you want me to beat up the person that hurt you? You know I will.'

A small smile cracked across valkyries lips.

She shook her head, and got out of the car.

She walked into the house and went into the kitchen to fix herself up a snack.

She put some toast in the toaster and stared at it for a while before she folded her arms on the counter, buried her head in her arms, and broke down into tears.

She heard skulduggery coming into the kitchen.

'Valkyrie what's-?'

He stopped when he saw her.

She didn't look up, just continued crying.

Skulduggery put his arms around her and she curled into his chest, gripping his hand tightly and cried.

Tanith bounded into the kitchen and stopped when he saw them.

Skulduggery had his fore head rested on top of her head and he slowly looked up to look at tanith. Although he had no face, she could see the despair on his skull. Tanith looked at the trembling, crying girl in his arms and her mood dullened. She stood there and looked at them. Skulduggery went back to holding Valkyrie in his arms as she cried. He rested his forehead oh her head again and rocked her back and fourth on her feet.

Tanith knew immediately what was wrong. Valkyrie had told her about the American boy at school she liked and that she was going to ask him out. He must have said no.

_American idiot_. Tanith thought.


	3. Always Me, Band Jaxed

Theres always me- band-jaxed

It had been two days since Valkyrie had been rejected. She wasn't very happy at the moment.

But- skulduggery thought- there are some things that can only get better by eating chocolate, sleeping, crying, and having someone to comfort you. And, of course, if you have a sock drawer which is adequately large enough, you could climb into it for a few weeks.

Valkyrie was lying in her bed, crying again. Skulduggery wanted to bang his head of a desk right now. Why did she have to be so miserable? Skulduggery really, really wanted to beat up that American. But, it was against the law. Then again, did he ever obey the law? No.

Skulduggery knocked on her door and heard Valkyrie trying to stop crying when she heard him knock. She didn't answer.

Skulduggery slowly opened the door and stepped in, shutting it behind him.

The room was dark with the curtains drawn. The clock said 11.00 PM.

Skulduggery sat on the bed beside Valkyrie. She was lying on her stomach, not looking at him.

'Valkyrie?' he whispered

'Mmm?' valkyrie choked

'How are you?'

'Mmmm' was all she said

'I don't think Mmm is an emotion Valkyrie' skulduggery commented. Still whispering

'Mmm' she said again

Skulduggery lay down beside her, putting his arms around her and pulling her up onto his chest so he could see her face.

'Will you talk to me properly Val?' he whispered

'Dunno' Valkyrie whispered back. Her voice was hoarse and she sounded sad. Fucking American. Why did people always mess things up for Val? God knows.

'Oh. Well what If I begged you to talk to me- would you?'

There was silence for over a minuet.

'Only if you call me supreme overlord Cain' valkyrie whispered, giggling slightly

Skulduggery winced. He didn't want Valkyrie to think back to the day _that_ all happened.

'Will you just talk to me valkyrie? Please?' skulduggery murmured in her ear.

Valkyrie rested her head on skulduggery's chest just under his chin and scrunched her hand into a fist and put it where skulduggery's heart should be.

'k' she murmured back

'good. Are you ok?'

Valkyrie hesitated

'I don't know' Valkyrie whispered where skulduggery's ear was meant to be

Skulduggery pulled her tighter

'Are you sure you don't want be to kick that guys sorry ass?' skulduggery whispered

PLEASE CAN I KICK THAT GUYS SORRY ASS? The voice in the back of skulduggery head yelled.

Valkyrie giggled as if she'd heard that voice. Which she probably could. It was screaming very loud.

But skulduggery hoped she couldn't hear it. There was some things it said about her that were…inappropriate. Really.

'I'll think about it'

They sat in silence for a bit before skulduggery realised Valkyrie was trembling in his arms. He looked down at her and wiped away the tears running down her cheeks

'What's wrong…love? Skulduggery whispered. He wasn't exactly sure why he was using pet names now. He was turning into Fletcher. Ohhhhhh shit.

Valkyrie wrapped her arms around skulduggery's neck, curling her hands into fists on his collar.

'I hate school' she mumbled into his neck.

'So you've told me'

'But…' she trailed of

'But what Val?'

'But nobody likes me'

'That's nonsense- tanith, ghastly, kenspeckle, fletcher, and me especially'

'No, I mean no _boy_ likes me, you know'

'Valkyrie' skulduggery took her chin in his hand and looked at her 'that's even more rubbish than saying Fletcher is manly. You are beautiful and intelligent and really really annoying. How can anybody not like you?'

Valkyrie smiled grimly

'You're a bad liar skulduggery'

'You think im lying?'

'I know your lieing'

'Valkyrie- if I was lieing I'd be teasing you by now'

'Oh gee thanks'

'Valkyrie- I don't know how you can believe that nobody likes you'

'But its true!' valkyrie sighed, sitting up. Skulduggery sat up too.

'I promise its not'

'Prove it' Valkyrie said softly. She looked like she was going to cry again.

Skulduggery didn't know what he was doing. But his body seemed to know. And a voice at the back of his head was yelling YES! YES! YES! FINALLY MAN! FINALLY! CHICKEN NUGGETS FOR ALL!

He wasn't sure why the voice had just announced chicken nuggets for all but he really didn't care at that moment.

He took valkyries beautiful face in his hand, wrapping his other around her waist, and kissed her full on the lips.

FUCK YEAH! The voice yelled in skulduggery's head. FUCK YEAH MAN! GOD SHE TASTES GORGEOUS!

Skulduggery tried to ignore this voice. It was ruining the moment. Which had surprisingly lasted a long time now.

Valkyrie raised up onto her knees and held his skull in her hands and kissed him again

Skulduggery gripped her waist tight. Or he probably would've fallen off the bed. And that wouldn't of been very sexy.

Valkyrie broke the kiss and smiled wistfully.

The only sound that filed the room was their ragged breathing only that was strange for skulduggery because he didn't need air but who cares?! Its fanfiction. Go fucking wild!

Anyway. The only sound that filled the dark room was their ragged breathing. Skulduggery was still gripping valkyries waist tightly.

Anybody who had been standing outside the room-would think something- to put it plainly- 'erotic'- was going on. And skulduggery's voice at the back of his head actually wanted that. Ok, so it wasn't the voice. It was skulduggery. But we'll blame it on the voice anyway. Valkyrie wanted that too. No, not to blame it on the voice, but the stuff about the erotic crap. God, I need a whiskey.

Anyhow.

Valkyrie rested her head on skulduggery's chest and smiled

'Have I proved my point?' skulduggery murmured

THE HELL YOU HAVE! the voice yelled.

Valkyrie giggled.

Which was strange, because she didn't often giggle like that. Unless she was high on energy drinks.

'I think you've proved your point' she whispered

'Well that's good to hear- don't deny it again or I'll have to kiss you again'

Valkyrie sighed- mockingly.

'well- if you put it that way- nobody likes me' she whispered

Skulduggery smiled, tilted her chin up, and kissed her again.


	4. Another Place To Fall, KT Tunstall

Another place to fall- KT tuntstall

Valkyrie opened her eyes. She was on the floor. Which was an unusual place to be in the morning.

'Dear god' Valkyrie muttered, rubbing her head.

Clubbing with tanith was worst than being trapped in a small room of hyperactive five year olds playing with several drum kits.

'You hairs like a haystack- but I like it' skulduggery commented, coming into the room with a cup of tea for her.

Valkyrie put her hand to the top of her head, feeling the mess that was her hair.

She groaned and flopped back onto her back

'I told you not to go clubbing but I am ignored as usual and you come back hammered, and I have to carry you to your room and _then to top it all of_ you refused to let go of my neck and I had to _tickle_ you until you let go and_ then_ I had to supervise you all night because you kept falling of the bed and just would not stop _giggling_ all night long. _Never_ again, are you going clubbing Valkyrie Cain. Got it?' skulduggery sighed, sitting on the floor next to her.

Valkyrie burst out laughing.

'I did all that huh?' she asked

'It was scary' skulduggery sighed, handing her the tea.

Valkyrie sighed and took a sip of the tea.

'You are good at making tea' she commented

'You're still drunk aren't you?' skulduggery sighed

'Exceedingly so'

Skulduggery laughed and put his hat over valkyries face, pushing her down onto the floor again.

'Get some sleep, woman!' he laughed

Valkyrie sighed again, and rolled over onto her side, settling down to sleep. She kept skulduggery's hat on her head and looked up at him smiling.

'you're not having it back' she concluded

Skulduggery laughed, and slipped his arms under. He lifted her up onto her bed.

'Ok, but promise me you wont fall of your bed OR giggle insanely. Fletcher is going to tease you mercilessly about this' skulduggery said

'Fletcher?'

'And ghastly and tanith'

'I was that loud?'

'Worse than 'that loud' really'

Valkyrie laughed

'Good night' skulduggery sighed, leaving the room

'Nite nite' Valkyrie mumbled, but not before falling of the bed.

Skulduggery came back in again and lifted her up onto the bed again

'Everywhere for you is just another place to fall isn't it?' skulduggery sighed

Valkyrie giggled


	5. The After Life of The Party,Fall Out Boy

Chapter 1- the after life of the party- fall out boy

Tanith sat curled in a ball on the sofa, skulduggery was in an armchair reading a large book, ghastly was measuring out some material, Fletcher was watching a documentary on dancing crabs on TV, and Valkyrie was standing on her head in the middle of the room. They were all at Gordon's mansion and all very bored.

Skulduggery set down his book and cocked his skull to the side.

'Valkyrie? What are you doing?' he asked

Valkyrie grinned at him

'Im standing on my head. What are you doing?'

'Im uh- reading a book. Your going to get dizzy you know'

'I know- but it's either that or watching a documentary or dancing crabs.'

Skulduggery would've rolled his eyes if he had them.

'hey, val?' tanith asked.

'yessss?'

'what age are you now?'

'im uh- seventeen duh brain'

Tanith laughed

'well, what do you say you and me go out into town…..' tanith asked, an evil smile creeping across her face. Valkyrie knew what she meant by 'town'

Unfortunately, so did skulduggery.

His head snapped up.

'Valkyrie Cain, you are NOT, I repeat NOT going clubbing, do you understand me?' he commanded.

Valkyrie considered this.

'No' she grinned. Then she got back onto her feet and raced out the door, tanith hot on her heels.

'dammit' tanith hissed

'what?' valkyrie asked

'I left the motorbike keys in the house'

'I'll get them. If you hear screaming, that'll be me'

Tanith laughed

She watched Valkyrie run back into the house, dodging skulduggery who tried to grab her. They were both laughing.

Skulduggery was like a father to her, a replacement father, after their……fatal end.

But tanith didn't want to think about that accident two years ago. She wanted to think about skulduggery and val. Maybe skulduggery was more then a father, and more than a friend……

She watched Valkyrie coming back towards the door. Skulduggery was standing there with his arms folded across his chest, shaking his head in defeat.

Valkyrie laughed and just before she went out the door, she kissed skulduggery's cheek bone.

**Skulduggery from the authors POV**

Skulduggery watched Valkyrie dance towards the door, motorbike keys in her hand.

'you are evil valkyrie' he sighed

Valkyrie laughed

'I know'

'Valkyrie?'

'Yeeessss?'

'Promise me you'll stay safe- please.'

Valkyrie stopped, looked at him, smiled and kissed his cheek

'I promise, skulduggery. Ive got my mind on a boy already anyway' she said softly

Skulduggery stood there. He didn't really know what to say. God, he loved her. But now he had to worry about this boy she had her eye on. Actually, he really wanted to kill the guy she had her eye on but that wasn't very nice.

Fletcher started cat calling at the sight of skulduggery and Valkyrie.

Skulduggery hoped to god ghastly would shut Fletcher up but he heard ghastly roaring with laughter.

Skulduggery muttered something and then stalked into the living room to think about Valkyrie. Again.

Three hours later Valkyrie and tanith staggered in the door.

Skulduggery, ghastly, and Fletcher walked into the hall to meet them.

Fletcher burst out laughing. As Fletcher does.

Skulduggery caught Valkyrie as her legs gave out.

Ghastly lifted tanith into his arms and skulduggery and ghastly carried the girls upstairs.

Skulduggery took Valkyrie into her room and laid her on her bed

Ghastly came out of the spare bedroom and stood in the doorway of valkyries bedroom.

'They are so tipsy' ghastly laughed, sounding amused

'That's the after life of a party' Valkyrie mumbled

Skulduggery laughed

'I'll leave you two in peace' ghastly said, shutting the door behind him

'_Well done captain obvious, even ghastly knows how much you love Valkyrie. Dammit'_ skulduggery thought to himself.

Valkyrie wrapped her arms tightly around skulduggery's neck.

'Valkyrie, you can let go you know' skulduggery sighed- but he hoped she wouldn't

'I know, but im not going to' Valkyrie smiled

Skulduggery sat on the bed beside Valkyrie, sneakily moving closer to her.

Valkyrie tugged in his hand, and pulled him so he was lying down beside her.

'What exactly did you drink?' skulduggery asked

Valkyrie giggled, and rested her head on his chest. Skulduggery slowly put his arm around her shoulders, praying to god she was too drunk to notice that move.

God, Fletcher was rubbing of on him.

'Well, im not that drunk, just pretty tipsy' Valkyrie protested sleepily

'What did you two do?' Skulduggery asked cautiously

Valkyrie laughed

'Not what you're hoping I didn't do, honestly- we just danced and had a couple of Guinness's. Nothing…….rash.'

_Thank god._ Skulduggery thought.

'Im so tired' Valkyrie sighed

'Go to sleep' skulduggery whispered

He went to get up but Valkyrie pulled him back down

'Don't go' she frowned

'Really?'

'Really, really- I don't want you to go'

'Alright, but go to sleep' skulduggery whispered- pulling her closer to him.

Valkyrie smiled

'Thanks' she whispered

'Your welcome'

Valkyrie closed her eyes still smiling and skulduggery knew if he had lips, he'd be smiling too.


	6. Bad Influence, Pink

Bad influence- P!nk

Skulduggery carried Valkyrie into kenspeckles. She had a broken ankle and a huge cut down her arm.

Kenspeckle sighed when he saw them.

A bleeding girl, giggling insanely about something a talking skeleton was saying. This- was kenspeckles average day.

'Who hit you this time?' kenspeckle sighed, as skulduggery laid Valkyrie down on a bed.

'Nobody' Valkyrie grinned

'What happened?'

Valkyrie giggled

'Valkyrie?....'

'Sorry, sorry. Well, skulduggery was insulting a bad guy at the top of the stairs and it was pretty hilarious and I started laughing and I lost my balance and fell down the stairs' she grinned

Kenspeckle rolled his eyes then turned to skulduggery

'and what did you do, detective?'

Skulduggery waved his hand dismissively

'beat up the bad guy, then came down the stairs and started teasing valkyrie'

Kenspeckle sighed

'have you ever considered that you are a bad influence to the girl?'

Skulduggery shrugged

'Many times- but I just end up laughing' he said, and then sauntered out the door, before kenspeckle could tell him to get the hell out.

Valkyrie had never laughed so much in her life.


	7. Bad Day, Daniel Powter

Bad day- Daniel powter

Fletcher collapsed on the sofa and huffed loudly

This- was not one of his best days. In fact it was his worst day. Ever.

Flashback

Fletcher had a feeling someone was following him. Ok, he had a feeling three people were following him. He didn't know why he had that random hunch, but he did. And that was that. He continued on down the empty street, with his hands in his pockets, listening out for footsteps or any other sounds.

There was a soft clacking.

Fletcher turned around sharply, but nobody was there.

Someome tutted loudly from behind him

Fletcher swivelled round again and yelped

'Why people have such suspicions as to the fact that they are being followed, i have no idea.' A girl tutted.

She had short, wild, fair hair and blue eyes. She was wearing a black top hat and tail coat. There was a girl beside her, shaking her head sadly. She had shoulder length bright red hair (not ginger, hayley Williams red) and violet eyes. She was also wearing a black top hat and tail coat. The third girl, had long black hair and brown eyes. She was wearing the same as the two other girls but had a necklace with 'slytherin' printed across it. They were all very weird but what was weirdest of all, was the fact that they were surrounded by dancing crabs…..

'who are you?' fletcher squeaked, intimmitaed.

But im not sure why, because the girls where a good two inches shorter than him and looked to be only thirteen.

'we!' the fair haired girl announced loudly 'are your pests for the day, fletcher renn'

'what?'

'that's what I thought' the black haired girl sighed

'who are you?'

'I- am Shakra flame' the fair haired girl said 'and this is flaring rhythm' she said, pointing at the red haired girl who took of her top hat and bowed

'Pleased to finally meet you, bitch' flaring grinned

'What did you call me?!' Fletcher yelled

'I merely implied I was pleased to meet you' flaring said innocently, but she was laughing inside her crazy head.

Fletcher slapped his faced, annoyed.

'And these' Shakra said pointing at the many crabs 'are my dancing crabs- at your service'

Fletcher stood there, stunned there for a minuet.

'And who's that?' he asked eventually. Pointing at the black haired girl

The black haired girl suddenly flew into a rage

'NO!' she yelled 'I WILL NOT BE SUBMITTED TO SUCH TRECHERY! I _REFUSE_ TO TELL YOU MY NAME DEARY!'

Fletcher stood there, for another moment, stunned again

Flaring slapped his face.

'DO NOT go into another dream sequence! It is rude and costing the staff too much money! If you must day dream, wait until we're done pissing you off! She yelled. Behind her, Shakra and the nameless girl were nodding disapprovingly, but trying not to laugh.

Fletcher turned and walked away, the girls followed.

'Lordy, lordy me' the nameless girl muttered disapprovingly.

Fletcher slapped his face again angrily.

This- was going to be a long day……………


	8. Banana Pancakes, Jack Johnson

Banana pancakes- jack Johnson

Skulduggery sat and watched Valkyrie and tanith mess around in the kitchen.

It was 6.30 in the morning and the girls were making pancakes or something.

'What are you making?' skulduggery asked

'Pancakes or something' tanith chirped, turning up the stereo.

They stared dancing to 'hallelujah' by paramore.

They were still in their pyjamas. Skulduggery wasn't sure if Valkyrie did it un-purpose, but she was wearing short _short_ black shorts and a midnight blue vest top. Why did she have to do that? Tanith was wearing matching ones only hers were completely yellow.

'Why?' skulduggery questioned. Trying not to look at Valkyrie like that.

'Cause we're hungry' Valkyrie concluded. Licking the spoon.

GAH. Skulduggery's voice in the back of his head thought BLOODY GIRL BEING TO SEXY FOR HER OWN GOOD.

'Good point' skulduggery shrugged

'Of course- why are you here?' Valkyrie asked

'Oh, I don't know, something to do with the fact you both watched a horror movie last night and then would not let me leave because you were both terrified?'

'Meh' Valkyrie shrugged, and went back to licking the spoon and dancing with tanith

'Holy god!' Fletcher shouted. Standing in the doorway, staring at the girls.

He teleported and was behind valkyrie in a second.

'hello ladies' he said trying to sound sexy

Valkyrie stood on his toe

Fletcher yelped.

Valkyrie and tanith burst out laughing.

'why do girls always do things like this to me?' he squeaked, in a high, pained voice.

The girls laughed harder


	9. Beautiful, Akon

Beautiful- akon

Skulduggery's POV

Damn.

Why did she have to be so beautiful?

Who knows.

Why am I pondering over this?

Who knows.

Why am I saying who knows to answer my every question?

Why am I answering my own questions?

Why am I asking questions?

…………

What was I talking about there?


	10. Big Girl, Mika

Big girl- mika

Skulduggery sat and glared at the boy eyeing up Valkyrie.

That boy- was Fletcher.

Bitch.

They were in Chinas library

Tanith came and sat down beside skulduggery and followed his glare, which was hard- considering he had no glare to follow. Which frustrated skulduggery, because now Fletcher didn't know he was being glared at. Back to the point.

'she's old enough now skulduggery' tanith sighed

'Shut up.'

'But she's old enough- she can get eyed up if she wants eyed up'

'She has her back to him tanith'

'Still. She's old enough- stop being so big brother.'

'Is that not a TV show valkyrie makes fun of?'

'Well, yeah, but I mean big brother as in valkyries big brother.'

'Shut up.'

'she's a big girl now'

Silence.

'Oh! I get it' tanith chimed

'Get what?' skulduggery said- not taking his glare from Fletcher

'Your not over protective'

'Thank you- I can finally say you're not a stupid as you look'

'Your jealous'

'I take back my last comment'

'So your not denying your in love?'

'No.'

'Good'

'Im denying anything to do with the word love and valkyrie and I in the same sentence'

'You're in love'

'The hell I am'

'Im going to tell china'

'Don't your _dare_'

'bye!'

Tanith got up and skipped of.

Skulduggery would've gone after her but Fletcher would have moved and then skulduggery would have to hit him.

Which was tempting, but would be a tad weird in front of everyone.

A minuet later, he heard heels clacking across the floor towards him.

China sat down elegantly and smirked.

'You're in love. How quaint.' She teased

'Shut up'


	11. Bleeding Love, Leona Lewis

Bleeding love- Leona Lewis

She flopped onto her bed- remembering that day- and he bleeding love.

Flashback

'Skulduggery!' Valkyrie called

'Skulduggery? Tanith, do you know where skulduggery is?' Valkyrie asked again

Tanith shrugged

'Only saw him last night, goin into your room, haven't seen him since val.' Tanith shrugged

'Um- ok. Its just I can't find him'

'Hmmm. He might've gone out or something'

'Maybe your right'

Valkyrie walked up to her bedroom, and wandered in. there was a folded piece of paper and a rose on the bed.

Valkyrie opened it and gasped, tears already in her eyes.

_Valkyrie Cain, _

_I love you with all my heart and I always will. Remember that- as long as you live, because I know I will. _

_But I have to leave you, because you deserve someone normal, who won't put you in danger. You deserve someone human. _

_Im doing this for you, and I love you, but you can't love me. _

_I'll never forget you._

_All my love, and all my heart, _

_Skulduggery pleasant._

Valkyrie collapsed onto her bed, sobbing. Clutching the rose in her hand.

She'd never forget him; she'd never have anyone else BUT him. And she was going to find him. No matter what.


	12. Bonkers, Dizzee Rascal

Bonkers- dizzee rascal

Valkyrie slumped against the wall.

'Dear god i'm tired' she moaned

She heard tanith laugh

'Valkyrie, its time I introduced you to energy drinks' tanith said

Valkyrie cocked her head to the side curiously and watched tanith bound into the kitchen and come back out with an energy drink in her hand.

She flipped of the lid and handed it to Valkyrie who in turn took a sip of it and grinned. She had tasted this before.

She remembered back to when she was a little twelve year old and that time she had drank an energy drink and skulduggery had ended up spending the whole day trying to get her to stay still. Skulduggery had banned her from them for 'the rest of her entire existence'.

Just by magic, skulduggery walked into the room and caught Valkyrie with the energy drink.

'Oh hell, tanith you didn't give that child an energy drink did you?' skulduggery groaned

'Nooooo'

'Then what is she drinking?'

'Uh…….fruice?'

'No, tanith, she is not drinking fruice'

Valkyrie started giggling like a hyperactive five year old. Or a fun twenty two year old for that matter.

'Dear good, you have just unleashed pure evil tanith low!' skulduggery yelled as he chased a hyperactive Valkyrie up the stairs to make sure she didn't set fire to anything. Again.


	13. The Boy Does Nothing, Alesha Dixon

The boy does nothing- Alesha Dixon

Valkyrie glared at Fletcher.

Skulduggery glared at Fletcher.

Tanith glared at Fletcher

Ghastly glared at Fletcher

Fletcher smiled like a dumbass.

'Fletcher, for the last time. Why didn't you help us take down that guy?' tanith hissed.

She didn't like not knowing things.

Fletcher shrugged

Skulduggery sighed

'Look Fletcher, we understand you have feelings for valkyrie and she doesn't have feelings for you but that is no excuse to abandon us all when we needed a hand taking that crazed cleaver down' skulduggery said

Valkyrie dug him in the ribs.

She really didn't need to be reminded that this retard grinning at them across the table fancied her.

The whole shebang was that a couple of hours ago the group had been asked to take down a cleaver that had gone out of control. When they were all in the car on the way over, Fletcher had got mad at the sight of skulduggery and Valkyrie holding hands and taken a hissy. Because- he was the only one who had no idea about their relationship in the first place. Valkyrie had gotten mad at Fletcher and yelled back she never had feelings for him and would always love skulduggery. THEN Fletcher had yelled at Valkyrie and skulduggery had defended Valkyrie and that just made Fletcher more angry because he couldn't use the excuse 'skulduggery doesn't even protect you' like he did in someone else's fanfiction. So to top it all of- by the time they arrived, Fletcher was fuming with skulduggery for being in love with valkyrie- tanith was fuming with Fletcher for annoying her best friend- ghastly was furious with Fletcher for making his girlfriend furious- skulduggery was absolutely fuming with Fletcher for making his valkyrie distressed- and valkyrie just really needed a hug. Then Fletcher had just stood around singing 'bowling for soup' songs while everyone else put their lives in danger fighting a crazed, armed, skilled cleaver.

So now everyone was pretty much angry with Fletcher for not giving them a hand and they were demanding an apology

Fletcher was giving them the 'smile and shut the hell up' treatment.

He WAS going to try the 'swear your guts out and then cry' treatment but this one seemed to be more frustrating for everyone.

But then again, Fletcher could only manage to keep his mouth shut for a matter of time. Because he was Fletcher.

'Bloody dumbass's' he muttered and then got up and wandered away.

It wasn't a very dramatic departure but it was still something.

The group sat there for a while staring after Fletcher in quiet pity.

He was _some _retard.


	14. Bulletproof, La Roux

Bulletproof- la roux

'Oww, skulduggery! Oww!' Valkyrie groaned

Skulduggery sighed

'Valkyrie- yelling 'oww' at the top of your voice will not make your wounds any better. That's a fact'

'Shut up'

'If only you would do the same…'

Valkyrie moaned in pain again

'Just get Kenspeckle to fix me up'

'Valkyrie- for the seven hundredth time. Kenspeckle is out of the continent because he is attending a magical science conference. He'll only be gone for another week. Trust you to get shot the DAY he goes away'

'Don't blame it on me! Blame the guy that shot me! It's a weird bullet though, it feels like getting stung and hit by a dozen bullets at the same time' Valkyrie pondered

Skulduggery stopped dabbing at Valkyries arm for a second.

'Valkyrie, you weren't shot by ONE bullet'

'w-what?' valkryie stammered. Skulduggery's tone sounded worried.

'Are you sure you want to see this?' skulduggery asked cautiously

'Y-yeah, sure'

Skulduggery took Valkyrie by the hand and led her to the full length mirror in her room.

Skulduggery had made Valkyrie change into a pair of shorts and a vesty top the minuet she got home so he could get at her cuts. They were in Valkyries house and skulduggery was TRYING to get Valkyrie cleaned up but she was moaning. And, if skulduggery was honest with himself, he really couldn't stand her being in pain. He was so glad he didn't have a face so Valkyrie couldn't see his expression every time she was in pain.

Valkyrie gasped.

She was covered in lots of gashes, each one the size of her thumb nail, all over her body

'o-oh m-y g-god' she said, lightly brushing her hand over one of the cuts. It stung.

'Are you alright?' skulduggery asked softly

'b-but I was only s-shot once' Valkyrie whispered

'I know, but whoever that thief was, he had a special and rare type of gun. I don't know the name but ive seen one before, and their affect. It hits you in a shock wave sort of thing, splitting your skin all over the place. It's a particularly dangerous and painful thing to get. I'm surprised you not screaming in pain' skulduggery explained, his voice cracking on the last word.

'Should I be screaming in pain?'

'Yes, you should. But your not. And I intend on keeping it that way'

'Good. Can you get me cleaned up though? It's starting to hurt more'

'Of course'

Skulduggery took Valkyries hand again and led her over to the bed. She sat down.

Skulduggery started dabbing her cuts again. He was surprisingly gentle.

He was nearly done before any of them spoke.

'Uh…Valkyrie?'

'Wa?'

'You, um, need to take your top of for a second; I need to get at the cuts on you back.' Skulduggery said, nervously

Valkyries heart started racing. But she tried to sound indifferent

'Sure' she shrugged, and pulled her top of, still succeeding in covering her front.

Skulduggery started dabbing at the cuts again. A voice in his head- the annoying one with inappropriate thoughts- was yelling _GOOD GOD_ SHE'S HOT.

'Do they sting?' he asked softly

'Not any more'

'Good. You can put your top on again'

'Thanks' valkyrie said, putting her top back on.

She turned round to him grinning

'You know, sometimes I think i'm bulletproof' she wondered

'Why?'

'Because although I was hit, I didn't scream did i?'

'Well, no actually'

'So i'm bulletproof'

'God knows- I think your lesson proof as well' skulduggery laughed

'What do you mean?'

'No matter how many times I tell you not to annoy the bad guys so you won't get shot, you don't listen do you?' skulduggery sighed, amused

'Nope'

'Well then cased closed'

'I think your education proof' Valkyrie giggled

'Oh?'

'Cause you're a moron'

Skulduggery laughed, summoned fire in his hand, and began chasing Valkyrie


	15. Girlfriend, Avril Lavigne

Girlfriend- avril lavinge

'That wasn't fair' Valkyrie grumbled

'Well…I DID threaten I would do it, but you didn't listen'

'I never listen to you'

'Well, now maybe you will'

'Stop starting every sentence with 'well''

'Sorry'

'And anyway! How unfair was that?'

'Not very…..but hilarious…'

Valkyrie slapped him best she could.

'to tie your own girlfriend up with handcuffs AND tie her to the car seat, JUST so you could go off and kick this guys ass because you thought it was 'too dangerous' for me is NOT the best way to be well liked.'

Skulduggery didn't reply

'Uh…skulduggery?'

Skulduggery's head snapped up, like he was being woken up from a trance

'What?' he asked

'What was with the trance?'

'Oh, sorry. I was just thinking.'

'About what?'

'Just about what you said'

'Huh?'

'Well, I've never considered you as my girlfriend before'

'What?!'

'No! I don't mean, your not my girlfriend, it's just that ive always considered you as just Valkyrie Cain. MY Valkyrie Cain. Not a girlfriend. It's too plain for you.'

Valkyrie smiled

'You know, for a skeleton, you're very romantic at times'

'I try'


	16. Too Close For Comfort, Band Jaxed

Too close for comfort- bandjaxed

Valkyrie walked down the corridor of her school. There was a group of girls crowding round someone. Valkyrie could make out blonde, short hair over the girls heads.

It couldn't be……

'Stephanie!' called a familiar English accent.

OHH HELL. Valkyrie thought

The girls crowding around the boy stopped their excited chattering and all turned round to look at Valkyrie.

Valkyrie stared at the boy the girls were crowding round.

Fletcher renn grinned and winked at her.

'Hey gorgeous' he smiled, walking towards her and wrapping his arms around her waist, he kissed the top of her head.

Valkyrie, wanted to fly into a rage and throw fire at Fletcher until he died because he knew rightly she was going out with skulduggery. But, this was school, and it probably wasn't best to throw fire.

'Fletcher, hi' Valkyrie said, forcing a smile on her face 'can I speak with you for a moment?'

'Sure' Fletcher shrugged a cocky grin on his stupid face.

Valkyrie grabbed his wrist and dragged him through the school, to a group of empty classrooms.

Valkyrie smiled sweetly at Fletcher for a minuet before punching him on the jaw

Fletcher groaned with pain

'Why the hell are you here?' she nearly yelled

The bell rang for first period

Fletcher flashed a sleazy smile

'I'll let your teacher explain.' He grinned and then sauntered of

Valkyrie really really wanted to set fire to him

Valkyrie trudged into her history class which she had most of the day.

She sat down at an empty desk.

'Alright class! Shut up and sit down!' the teacher called, walking into the classroom and sitting down.

The class laughed

Valkyries head snapped out. That voice was very familiar. It sounded velvety. The voice Valkyrie could listen to all day

It was a different teacher. With brown gorgeous hair and dark blue eyes.

He was tall and wearing a dark blue casual suit. He had pale skin and he looked so familiar. And gorgeous for that matter….

Fletcher sauntered into the classroom and sat down beside valkyrie.

Valkyrie really really wanted to kick Fletcher right now.

She felt her face burn with anger at him.

He was so annoying.

Bloody teleporters. She thought

'I will be covering for Mr Bannerman for a couple of weeks because he is ill. My name is mr pleasant and I hope I won't have to spell it out on the board.' Said the new teacher.

The class laughed again

Valkyries heart started pounding in her chest. It wasn't him, was it?

Nah. Of course it wasn't him. He's a skeleton. A 400 year old skeleton. NOT a twenty year old human.

'now class, we have a new pupil with us' mr pleasant said, pointing to Fletcher ' he's Fletcher renn and I hope you'll all be nice to him and show him where to go if he gets lost, and judging by the confused expression on his face- he probably will'

Fletcher scowled and Valkyrie snickered

The teacher started handing out text books to everyone and telling them what page to open to

He handed Valkyrie one and a grin flashed across his face. Valkyrie nearly fell of her seat.

He handed Fletcher one and gave a small nod to him. Fletcher nodded back.

As soon as the teacher moved on, valkyrie swerved round to fletcher and glared.

'What the HELL was that?' she hissed

'What was what?' Fletcher said, trying to look innocent. But looking more like a deranged penguin.

'_You know_ what' Valkyrie hissed back

'What?'

'The nod! You nodded to him!'

'I did'

'WHY?'

'God knows….' Fletcher sighed

Valkyrie glared at him

'I hate you' she growled

'Aww. I love you too baby'

Valkyrie sighed angrily

'Is there a problem Stephanie?' mr pleasant asked. Valkyrie heart started racing again.

She pointed to Fletcher

'That thing there's the problem' she hissed

Mr pleasant smiled, amused

'Oh?' he asked

'He wont shut the hell up' Valkyrie growled

Fletcher laughed

Mr pleasant turned to Fletcher

'I'd appreciate it if you didn't disrupt the class, Fletcher' he said

Fletcher shrugged

'I could always try' he smiled, flashing his dumb assed cocky grin

'I'll speak with you both after class' mr pleasant said and then returned back to the lesson

For the rest of the period, Fletcher annoyed the hell out of Valkyrie. From singing the banana phone song over and over again and then asking her what her favourite colour was. At the end of every sentence he said 'baby'. It was so annoying.

Valkyrie wanted to kill him. Horribly.

Finally, the bell rang for break and the class got up and left

Fletcher and valkyrie stayed in the room and mr pleasant looked at them for a minuet before speaking

'Fletcher, if you call Valkyrie baby on more time I swear to god I'll throw fire at you' he growled angrily

Valkyrie was taken aback. What had he just said?!

Fletcher grinned

'No need to be so protective skul' he smiled, and then burst out laughing at Valkyries expression

'w-what?' Valkyrie stammered

Mr pleasant turned and smiled

'hi Val' he grinned

'Who are you?' Valkyrie asked, quietly

'It's me. Skulduggery' the teacher smiled

Valkyrie stared

'Hate to disappoint, but skulduggery is a skeleton' she said, trying to sound cocky. Whoever he was, he obviously knew about the magic, so there was no point covering anything up.

The teacher sighed

'I realise that, but I asked Kenspeckle and china if there was anything that would help me stay human for a while so Kenspeckle spent ages putting together some potion thing which tastes awful. Please believe me val. Just listen to me this once. ' he smiled

'You're kidding me' Valkyrie stammered

This couldn't be happening. He couldn't be human. Why was he human? What was he talking about? Could this day get any weirder? Probably not.

'No' skulduggery said 'it's really me'

It just did.

'Why'd you do that?' Valkyrie blurted

That wasn't really the main thing she'd wanted to say. Questions were tripping over themselves inside her head. She'd wanted to say something along the lines of 'you look amazing. This is amazing! Can you just explain this properly?' but she didn't. Because she's one of those people.

'because there's someone in the school following you, and so, to protect you, and catch this criminal, i'm posing as your teacher and we enrolled Fletcher at the school as some extra protection' skulduggery said.

'How did you know that? You know- about someone after me?'

'When I picked you up from school a couple of days ago, a school boy was walking a couple of metres behind you- and then he just disappeared. So to give you some protection and to catch this guy- we've enrolled Fletcher at the school- and me'

'How long have you been planning this exactly?

'About a week'

'I hate you'

'I know' skulduggery sighed, but he sounded and looked a bit hurt

Valkyrie frowned

Had she hurt him?

She wrapped her arms around skulduggery and buried her head in his shoulder. He felt warm.

'Sorry' she mumbled

'Its fine- the only reason i'm doing this is to protect you, please don't hate me for this' skulduggery mumbled, wrapping his arms around Valkyries waist

'I couldn't hate you- only pretend to' Valkyrie smiled

Skulduggery pulled her closer

Valkyrie looked up and saw Fletcher with his hands on his neck and his tongue out, pretending to choke himself in disgust. Valkyrie summoned a flame in her hand.

'Skulduggery?' she hissed

'Mmmmm?' skulduggery murmured, his face in Valkyries hair, not realising what was going on

'Permission to kill Fletcher?'

'Granted' skulduggery sighed, letting go of Valkyrie.

Valkyrie launched herself at Fletcher and caught him in a headlock from behind. Fletcher dropped to his knees, squealing.

'I am going to kill you, Fletcher renn' Valkyrie hissed quietly, still holding him in a head lock. 'And then i'm going to bring you back from the dead and kill you again. If you ever EVER annoy me in class again or make choking noises if I kiss or hug skulduggery and you must not let on about our relationship to _anybody at all_. Got it?'

'Deal' Fletcher squeaked quietly

'Good' Valkyrie hissed back, letting Fletcher out of the head lock and standing up.

Fletcher flopped onto his back, gasping for breath

Valkyrie looked up and grinned at skulduggery. Skulduggery grinned back.

'That looked fun' skulduggery commented

'It was' valkyrie agreed

'Well, you two better get some break' skulduggery sighed, helping Fletcher of the floor. Fletcher stumbled.

'Thanks' he mumbled to skulduggery

'Think nothing of it' skulduggery shrugged

All three of them walked out the door of the class room into the busy corridor.

And I mean busy.

Pupils were crushed together, moving all directions.

Valkyrie was in front, Fletcher behind, and skulduggery at the back of the three. They weaved there way through pupils.

Fletcher looked at how close he was to Valkyrie because of all the pupils and he smiled. This was going to be tricky, but he was Fletcher renn. He could pull this of without getting beaten up by skulduggery. Couldn't he?

He slowly, slowly, reached out to touch Valkyries ass. He was so close.

'Don't you dare touch my girlfriend' skulduggery hissed low and menacingly right in fletcher's ear.

Fletcher yelped in surprise and walked right into a double door.

It was the funniest thing Skulduggery and Valkyrie had ever seen.

Half the pupils in the school turned round and looked at him. There was a moment of dead silence and then everyone roared with laughter

Fletcher scowled but got up without a word, stalking off in the general direction of the dining hall, leaving skulduggery to try and stop Valkyrie from dyeing with laughter.

'Dude, rule number 11 in this school- never walk into double doors when trying to feel someone up' said a voice from behind Fletcher

Fletcher yelped and turned round. That voice was familiar. Too familiar…

Fletcher groaned at the three girls grinning at him.

One had black long hair. That was the one that refused to tell her name

One with short fair hair. The one called shakra flame.

And the one with wild, bright red hair. Flaring rhythm.

Fletcher remembered to the day those three girls had followed him around for 27 solid hours singing 'don't trust me'. Pestering Fletcher completely, and breaking him.

The one with the fair hair had broken him the most. 'Snapes dance class' is just a depressing thing to yell at someone……

'What the hell are you doing here?' Fletcher whined, exasperated.

Shakra shrugged

'Learning uninteresting and pointless things' she said

'Ev'n bitch' flaring said, nodding her head discreetly.

'Why do you call me that?! Fletcher groaned

Flaring shrugged

'It's either that or midnight turtle'

'Lemon drop?' the girl with no name asked.

Fletcher looked at her.

She was holding a large, open tin in her hand, filled with lemon sweets

'Uh….no thanks'

Shakra stood on his foot

'Shun the disbeliever!' she yelled

'What?!' Fletcher asked, nearly in tears

Shakra rolled her eyes

'Look- as much as I vote fletcherie….you ARE incredibly deaf. I said 'shun the disbeliever'' shakra sighed

'Ha!' flaring announced loudly 'this fanfiction is valduggery! No fletcherie here child!

Shakra rolled her eyes

'Wait till I find my laptop…' she muttered under her breath

'Look- would you three just leave me alone?' Fletcher whined

'That's what they all say' the nameless girl sighed

'You are all random, annoying, weird, freaks who find it funny to follow me around! Just go away!'

'You forgot sarcastic' flaring muttered under her breath

'Just shut up the lot of you!' Fletcher begged, and then stormed down the corridor

'Dumby wishes you a happy Monday!' the nameless girl yelled after him

'IT'S THURSDAY!' Fletcher yelled back, finally snapping

The girls burst out laughing and sauntered down the corridor singing 'don't trust me' by 3OH!3.

Fletcher stomped into the classroom, grumbling to himself angrily, and sat down on the chair beside Valkyrie.

'Something wrong, Fletcher?' Valkyrie asked sweetly

'Shut up' Fletcher snapped back

'Only if you do the same'

'Deal' Fletcher said stiffly. He stuck his hand out for her to shake

Valkyrie pinched it with two fingers, like it was a frog, and shook it.

That lesson was the best school lesson valkyrie had probably ever had.

Fletcher was silent

Skulduggery didn't shout at her for not writing down the notes

And he kept flashing these amazing smiles to her

After two hours of the history of queen Victoria or something, the bell rang for lunch.

The class got up, and packed there bags. A buzz of talking filled the room as everyone left.

A girl call Meredith Woolf walked up to Valkyrie cautiously, like she had something to say which might offend her. they weren't really friends, but they said hi in the corridors sometimes

'Uh … hi Stephanie' Meredith said nervously

'Hey Meredith, what's up?'

'Well, um, I have…I have something to ask you'

'Yeah?'

'Don't take this offensively or anything but......are you and Mr. pleasant going out or something?'

Valkyrie was taken aback.

What was she going to say!?

'What? No! Of course not! What made you think that? It's ridiculous! No way! What made you think that?'

'Oh! Well, sorry. Its just, the way he smiles at you and the way you look at each other, its just, like your going out….I mean he IS only a few years older than you…'

'Well that's just crazy. You best be going to lunch now. The queue'll be massive by the time you get there' Valkyrie said, literally pushing Meredith out the door

'Ok! See you later Stephanie!' Meredith called, jogging to the lunch hall.

'Yeah, bye!' Val called

She started down the empty corridor, looking for skulduggery. She turned a corner, and skulduggery was waiting for her, leaning against the wall, grinning

'Hey' he smiled

'Hey' Valkyrie smiled, wrapping her arms around skulduggery's neck so their foreheads touched.

'How's school?' skulduggery murmured

'Annoying'

Skulduggery chuckled

'School's like that'

Valkyrie sighed but smiled, pressing herself to skulduggery's warm body

'I love you' she murmured

'I love you too valkyrie' skulduggery whispered back.

He tilted up valkyries chin and kissed her

Valkyrie smiled against his lips

Little did they know- they were being watched…..

**HAHA! Cliff hanger! Sux 2 b u!**

**If u want M rated valduggery- I need 5 yes's**

**So get reviewing!**


	17. Hullo People : AN

Hey everyone!

THIS ISNT A JOKE! I SWEAR!!!!

Im having a massive argument with Derek landy on bebo atm about valduggery.

So I'm starting a petition atm and I need AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE to sign their names and leave a message so he might consider valduggery!!!!!!!! Details will be coming round soon!

PLEASE HELP!!!!!

M rated valduggery has won!

Coming up soon

Flaring rhythm

The personal pest

xo


	18. Lies, Mcfly

Lies- Mcfly

Meredith stifled a gasp. She ducked behind a row of lockers and watched the scene in front of her.

_This is crazy_ she thought _this is too crazy!_

What had Stephanie called mr pleasant?

Skulduggery?

Was his name skulduggery?

Why were they kissing?!

Why is a teacher feeling up a pupil?!

Arghhhhhh!

This was weird

Meredith watched Stephanie break the kiss and look round in Meredith's direction

'What…is it?' mr pleasant asked, dazed from the kiss.

'I…I have a feeling someone's watching us' valkyrie said quietly

Mr pleasant stretched his free hand out, his palm hovering in the air, his other hand around Stephanie's waist

Meredith kept very still.

'No, I can't feel anyone' mr pleasant said

'Oh. Ok.' Stephanie shrugged, warily.

'Come on, let's go get some food'

'Sure' Valkyrie sighed

Meredith watched them walk away, holding hands and arguing about something or other

She waited until they had turned the corner and then she scrambled out from behind the lockers and _sprinted_.

Skulduggery and Valkyrie entered the cafeteria and drew a few curious glances.

Valkyrie decided to kid herself that they were only looking at skulduggery.

He was, after all, a new teacher. And an incredibly good looking teacher at that.

Valkyrie went the opposite way from skulduggery and went to get some food. She saw Fletcher and waved. He was crowded by a group of sixth form girls who were giggling and chatting excitedly.

Fletcher scowled at her when she approached

'Don't look at me like that, it was the double doors fault anyway' valkyrie chided sweetly.

'Shut up, you want something to eat?'

'I can buy myself lunch, thanks'

'You...uh…wouldn't buy me lunch too would you?' Fletcher asked helplessly

Valkyrie rolled her eyes.

'I thought skuldu- I mean…Darren…gave you money this morning' Valkyrie said. It wasn't a very imaginative name but it was something, at least.

Fletcher raised and eyebrow but caught on.

'Uh…yeah…Darren did give me money but I spent it on sweets at the shop'

'What shop?'

'The shop beside the bus stop' Fletcher grinned

'Oh Hell, you were on my bus I didn't KNOW?!' Valkyrie said angrily

Fletcher shrugged, starting towards the food counter

'I thought you would've sensed my 'annoyingness'' Fletcher said, using his fingers as quotation marks

Valkyrie scowled, but followed Fletcher to the food court.

'I see you've got a fan club' Valkyrie commented

'Yes well, im not the only one'

'What...?' Valkyrie asked

Fletcher grinned, pointing towards the staff's lunch section

Valkyrie turned and felt blood rush to her cheeks angrily

Skulduggery was sitting on one of the chairs, with a cup of coffee in his hand, and he was looking at Valkyrie helplessly, as all the female teachers surrounded him. They were worse than fletchers 'fan club'.

He nodded occasionally, discreetly shuffling further away from them.

Valkyrie wasn't sure weather to laugh or yell at skulduggery.

Meredith stood at the counter and watched skulduggery and valkyries reactions.

Skulduggery's head snapped up and he waved at valkyrie.

All the girl teachers looked over at valkyrie and scowled slightly.

Skulduggery said something to them all and then he got up and practically ran to Valkyrie and unconvincing smile on his face.

'Having _fun_?' Valkyrie snapped, folding her arms and frowning

Skulduggery kept the smile plastered on his face

'Help me' he said, gritting his teeth and still smiling

'What?'

'They keep trying to flirt. Its killing me valkyrie' skulduggery smiled

Valkyrie smirked

'Oh? And what do you want me to do about it?'

'just help me, val' skulduggery begged

'ok, ok. I just have to buy fletcher some lunch first' valkyrie sighed, starting towards the canteen

'I gave fletcher money' skulduggery said, following her

'yeah, well, he spent it on stuffing his face'

Skulduggery stared, then shrugged.

He grabbed a tray, and filled it with food, then went up to the counter

'what are you doing? You've got enough food for two!'

' im buying you lunch' skulduggery smiled, handing the girl at the counter some money.

Valkyrie rolled her eyes but blushed.

There was a tap on her shoulder

'Uh…Val…you wouldn't buy me some crisps would you?' Fletcher asked

Skulduggery scowled at him but Valkyrie handed him a ten

'Knock yourself out' she muttered and then walked of with skulduggery

'Oh god' skulduggery whined, watching the female teachers smile at him dumbly

Fletcher joined them and laughed

He patted skulduggery's shoulder

'Good luck man' he sighed

Skulduggery thrust the tray at Fletcher, but took a bar of chocolate from it and handed it to Val.

'Go treat yourself' skulduggery said to Fletcher, and then grabbed valkyries hand and they ran out of the canteen

'What was that for?' Valkyrie asked when they were safely in a deserted corridor

'I NEED away from those teachers' skulduggery sighed

'Will this help?' valkyrie asked slyly

She reached up on her tip- toes, sliding her arms around skulduggery's neck, and kissed him

Skulduggery moaned softly, wrapping his arms around valkyries waist.

There was a gasp, and skulduggery froze. He broke away from Valkyrie and they both whirled round to see a girl, about valkyrie height and age.

She had blonde tight curls and honey coloured eyes. She had tanned skin and a fragile body. Her eyes were wide in shock and her fists were clenched into balls.

Meredith stared and then spoke

'you lied, stephanie' she said angrily

'no! wait! Meredith! I uh….'

Valkyrie sighed

'I AM going out with mr pleasant. He's only' she looked at him 'he's only two years older than me. Just PLEASE don't tell anyone'

Meredith smiled

'what makes you think I'd tell anyone?' she asked. But her voice was different. It sounded like a boys voice. Not the usual sweet, high pitched bell sound it usually was

'w-what?' valkyrie stammered

Meredith chuckled and black smoke began to cover her

Valkyrie gasped and skulduggery stepped in front of her, fire In his hands.

'you didn't think' Meredith asked ,smoke still covering her 'that I was just a normal girl? You didn't actually think you'd never seen me before?' she hissed, in that manly voice

The smoke cleared and it revealed a tall, muscle man, in his 20's, with jet black tousled hair and tanned skin. His teeth were sharp and gleaming. He smiled an unnerving smile.

Valkyrie felt goose bumps rise on her skin. She shuddered

'w-what are you talking about?' Valkyrie stuttered

She looked round at skulduggery. He was frozen to the spot, his face entirely pale.

She took his hand.

'S-skulduggery? What's w-wrong?'

Skulduggery swallowed, and when he spoke, his voice was shaky

'H-he was at a-aranmore…w-when we fought the faceless ones…he…he helped the diablerie….he….he tried to kill you but …but I knocked him out of the way….you didn't even realise' he stammered, taking valkyries hand tightly

'I cannot believe you did not even realise there was a knife about to slice into your pathetic body, but, now I am back for revenge. You KILLED my master, Cain' the man, formerly Meredith, hissed, producing a cutlass from a holder.

'What's your name?' valkyrie asked, trying to go into detective mode

'I have no name' the man said

'well- that's a mouthful' valkyrie muttered

Skulduggery remained silent

'I hope you enjoy your last moment together' said the man, taking a step towards them

'Don't touch her' skulduggery growled, the flame in his hand growing

'Oh, I don't intend on touching her…..yet'

Valkyrie made a small whimpering nose.

'Please don't hurt skulduggery' she whimpered, holding up her hands in a pleading way

'Hmmmm….no' the man said, and then launched himself at skulduggery

Skulduggery yanked valkyrie out of the way and threw a fire ball. It hit the man in the chest

He screamed, clutching his chest, and then waved his hand. Purple smoke hit skulduggery, wrapping around him and making him scream

'No! Let go of him!' Valkyrie yelled.

She launched herself at the strange man

The purple tendrils broke and skulduggery dropped to the ground.

'GET OFF ME, CHILD!' the maN yelled, struggling with valkyrie.

Valkyrie wrapped her hands around the mans neck

He scrambled with her hands and then just disappeared

Valkyrie stared at the space where the man had once been.

She felt tears roll down her cheeks, as she gasped for breath. She wasn't sure why she was crying. Maybe from shock.

Skulduggery wrapped his strong arms around Valkyrie, pulling her into sitting position. He wrapped his legs round hers, and rocked her back and fourth

'Its alright valkyrie, everything's fine, im here and your safe´ skulduggery whispered

'H-he's gone. H-he was there, and I tried to _kill_ him skulduggery. A-and then he just _disappeared_' valkyrie whispered, her eyes fixed on the spot where the man had just been.

'come on, lets get you home' skulduggery said

'but, you've still got to teach and I've got to go to school'

' I got free periods now and im sure you can be excused' skulduggery shrugged, standing up and helping valkyrie up.

't-thanks' valkyrie whispered, shivering from the after shock.

'think nothing of it'

They walked out to the Bentley and slid in, quietly.

They were both quiet the whole way home and Valkyrie stared at skulduggery.

Her thoughts finally caught up with her when she was in the car with time to think.

Skulduggery was a human.

And a gorgeous one at that……

Valkyrie stared at him. She still couldn't get over it.

It was weird. But, there where advantages of a flesh and blood boyfriend………

Skulduggery looked over at her and smiled.

They were thinking the same thing……….


	19. Dance Dance, Fall Out Boy

Dance, dance- fall out boy

Valkyrie woke up early. Skulduggery was going to be coming in a couple of minuets. There wasn't many cases any more because the faceless ones had been defeated, so skulduggery, tanith, ghastly, Fletcher, and valkyrie just hung about everyday. Valkyrie went downstairs to make some breakfast. She flicked on the radio.

Some song with a slow melody came on.

Valkyrie heard the door open.

Skulduggery came into the kitchen and Valkyrie turned round and grinned at him. Skulduggery stretched out his hand to her

'Care to dance pretty lady?'

Valkyrie smiled and blushed

'Naturally' she said curtsying

She took skulduggery's hand and he led her to the middle of the kitchen.

He placed his hand on her waist and his other in valkyries hand. Valkyrie put her other hand on skulduggery's shoulder and they began slowly dancing to the classical music.

'I must warn you now, I am highly uncoordinated' valkyrie smiled, leaning her head into skulduggery's chest.

'A little thing like being highly uncoordinated won't stop me' skulduggery murmured in her ear.

Valkyrie laughed

'You, on the other hand, are pretty good at dancing' she smiled

'One of my many talents' skulduggery commented, equally quiet.

Valkyrie smiled. They danced in a comforting silence for a while.

'GOOD LORDY ME! We're obviously interrupting something so we'll just go!' tanith announced loudly flanked by ghastly and Fletcher who we're grinning with great amusement.

Tanith was having the best fun of her life.

Skulduggery and Valkyrie immediately, but reluctantly broke apart.

'What do you want?' skulduggery snapped angrily. He really didn't appreciate being interrupted at that moment.

Tanith and ghastly managed to keep their composusure, although they knew skulduggery and Valkyrie weren't pleased with the interruption. and that there was defiantly something going on between them.

Fletcher, on the other hand, burst out laughing, and was on his knees in five seconds flat.

'We're here cause it's not a very nice day- so you know- we could all go for a movie' tanith said- struggling to keep herself from laughing.

'Oh. Well uh- yeah we could do that or, like, we could just hang around the house today' Valkyrie said- blushing furiously.

'Sounds…..good!' Fletcher gasped between floods of laughter

Ghastly rolled his eyes and there was silence for a minuet- well, except fletchers laughter- before ghastly was on his knees laughing too.

After about a minuet of ghastly and Fletcher laughing madly, they finally stopped and got up, wiping tears from their eyes.

'You good?' Valkyrie said sarcastically.

'God, yeah' Fletcher sighed

They all started walking into the living room.

'Dance dance we're fallin apart to half time!' Fletcher started singing as he wandered into the living room.

'Fletcher!' skulduggery and Valkyrie both yelled and launched at him

**Yeah, ok- Fletcher was singing the lyrics to dance, dance by fall out boy to mock Val and skul. Just to let you know.**

**:P **

**Flaring**

**XD**


	20. That's What You Get, Paramore

That's what you get- paramore

**Ok, skulduggery's human in this chapter. **

**God knows how…….**

**He took some pill or something. **

**Oh yea. They're a couple as well. Haha shakra. Haha. **

**XD**

'No, valkyrie! You're not going on the dammed motorbike!' skulduggery said, dragging Valkyrie away from the shiny black motor bike parked against the wall of Gordon's mansion

'b-but you let me go on it all the time!' Valkyrie complained, struggling away

Skulduggery grabbed her back, putting his hands sneakily around her waist. Valkyrie seemed a little less reluctant.

'You're with tanith' skulduggery sighed

'But she said I'd be fiiine!'

'Yes but that's just tanith for you'

'I'll be fine!'

'No, you wont, come inside before I carry you in'

Valkyrie paused and turned to him.

'You know, that's not a bad idea' she smiled

Skulduggery paused. Caught up to her mood faster than Valkyrie had caught up to it. And picked Valkyrie up in his arms, smiling…….

Four hours later, (yeah, that's what I thought too…..) Valkyrie woke up. She looked over at skulduggery. He was still asleep. Excellent.

Valkyrie put her clothes back on and ran down the stairs.

She dialled her phone and tanith answered on the first ring.

'wa?' tanith said.

' heytanithimtakingyourmoterbikeoutforaspinbutdonttellskulduggerycausehe'sasleepandhedoesntknowimoutandhe'llkillmeifhefindsoutthanksluvulotsdearybyee!' valkyrie hissed in frantic whispers before hanging up.

Tanith sat in her apartment a little stunned for a moment. Then she nodded, kidding herself that she'd just understood that and then went of to make herself a cup of coffee.

Valkyrie climbed onto the motor bike and didn't bother containing the excited grin.

She sped of down the country roads, singing hum hallelujah by fall out boy at the top of her voice………

2 hours later…………….

Valkyrie arrived back at the house. Sore, stiff, and pissed off.

Not to mention in desperate need of a hug.

Skulduggery nearly ripped the door of its hinges.

He looked angry and worried. He ran to Valkyrie, relieved to see her.

'Valkyrie pleasant im-'

'You just called me valkyrie pleasant' valkyrie interrupted, trying to stop herself smiling happily.

'No I didn't' skulduggery said quickly

'Yes you did'

'Who?'

'What?'

'What?'

'You called me valkyrie pleasant'

'What are we talking 'bout?'

'huh?'

'what?'

'stop confusing me!!!!'

'look, lets just drop it okay!?'

'thank you'

'For what?'

'oh for gods sake...'


	21. Supermassive Black Hole, Muse

Super massive black hole- muse

'I still think you should go out with me' Fletcher argued

'Fletcher- hate to tell you this- but I would never go out with you' Valkyrie glared, taking skulduggery's hand.

Skulduggery chuckled quietly; he wrapped his arm around valkyries waist.

Fletcher scowled

'But he's a skeleton!'

'And you're a flesh eating mongoose from the isles of Prague!' Valkyrie yelled back

Both skulduggery and Fletcher stopped walking and stared at her.

Valkyrie shrugged

'Ive been hanging round Shakra too much' Valkyrie grinned

Fletcher slapped his forehead

'How do you know her?!'

'I met her in school and flaring told me to tell you she thinks you're a bitch. Oh! And the girl with long black hair says dumby wishes you a happy Monday'

Fletcher felt like crying. Instead, he smiled, and continued what he did every day- annoy people…..

'so why wont you go out with me?!' he whined

'Because your annoying, I don't think your handsome, I don't think your funny, and I just don't seem attracted to you in anyway whatsoever.

'go kiss your freakin skeleton man'

'Go fall down a man hole placed conveniently in front of you'

'Shut up'

'No…..really.'

'Wh-arrrrrghhhhhhhhhhh!'

Fletcher had just fallen down a conveniently placed man hole.

Valkyrie stared at him for a moment. Then she proceeded to laugh.


	22. Killer, The Hoosiers

Killer- the Hoosiers (part one)

**Ok, uh…..valduggery, ghanith, and a cliffhanger. MWAHAHAHAHA!**

**This is a, er, 3 or 4 or 5 part story. =D haven't decided yet.**

**Keep signing my petition!**

**Um, Val and skul ARENT a couple in the first part, but they are insanely and ridiculously in love with each other. Oh, by the way. Its Christmas. **

**Bring on the haggis! **

**Wait, that's Scotland isn't it?**

**Let's try that again.**

**Bring on the prezzies!**

**Fabulous. **

The air was crisp and bloody freezing that morning.

Massive snow flakes fell from the grey skies.

A boy called Fletcher renn jumped around the living room dancing madly to 'I kissed a girl' by Katy Perry, in his Christmas socks and a rolling stones t shirt.

A woman called tanith low curled up to a man called ghastly bespoke in the library. They both smiled.

A girl called Valkyrie Cain walked close by the side of skulduggery pleasant, through the snow. Skulduggery slipped his hand into valkyries and Valkyrie held it tight. They both smiled.


	23. Killer, The Hoosiers, Part Two

Killer- the Hoosiers- part two

Skulduggery and Valkyrie walked silently through the snow, in the forest, up to the crime scene.

Flashback of from five minuets ago (a.k.a part one =D)

Skulduggery's POV

Skulduggery's voice was getting on his nerves again.

_You're walkin' close to her man! Her hands right there! Take her hand, man! Take her hand!_

_What? No! _

_Yes man yes! Take her hand! She looks so beautiful in the snow_

_I suppose….._

_Take her hand!_

_No!_

_Take her bloody hand you egotistical skeleton!_

_Oi!_

Skulduggery subconsciously slipped his hand in valkyries. Skulduggery smiled to himself. He could get used to this.

The person in the back of his mind smiled smugly and sat back in his deck chair. Don't ask me where he got it…

Valkyries POV thing

Valkyrie smiled.

She would've taken his hand if he hadn't of.

She could get used to this.

They where walking to a crime scene.

Someone had been murdered with a razor and skulduggery had a suspicion about a certain Texan…

They had left Gordon's mansion ten minuets ago, and decided to walk. The scene was only fifteen minuets away.

They had left Fletcher to his disturbing crazy dancing in the living room, and tanith and ghastly in the library hugging each other…..

End flashback.

They broke hands as they came up to the crime scene.

Guild stormed up to them and glared.

'What are you two doing here? I fired you both' he snarled

Skulduggery shrugged. Valkyrie could feel the amusement and smugness radiating of him.

'Someone called us up. Said they needed help'

Guilds face went red.

Beyond them, a man who looked to be in his thirties shrank back. He had obviously called them.

'Well which idiot here did that?!' guild demanded, whirling round to the crowd of detectives and forensic scientists and other nonsensical people whoms names I do not care to find out.

The man in his thirties came out of hiding behind another man and came up to them. He was nearly the same height as skulduggery.

'I…uh- did sir' the man said

While guild glared at him wordlessly for a minuet, the man turned to Valkyrie and skulduggery. He shook their hands, smiling warmly.

'Hello. Thanks for coming down here. We really do appreciate your help. My name is evert serene' the man said.

'Hi, im skulduggery pleasant and this is my partner Val-'

Skulduggery began, but he was cut of by evert.

'Yes, skulduggery pleasant and Valkyrie coin. We all know you both.'

'Really?' skulduggery asked 'every one of you?'

'Detective, EVERYONE in the magical community knows who you two are' evert said, grinning.

Skulduggery paused then shrugged

'Good to know' he said. The grin was clear in his voice and smugness radiated around him.

Valkyrie rolled her eyes

'Follow me detectives' evert said

Valkyrie was stunned for a second. Nobody had ever called her detective before. Except skulduggery…

Skulduggery took valkyries hand again and they walked after evert.

Valkyrie looked back in time to see guild stalk of angrily.

'This man was found dead two hours ago. He was stabbed 6 times in total, so its clear how he died, we just don't understand who and why' the knife was a straight razor; because of the angle the man was stabbed. His name was terson propitious.' Evert said, waving his hand towards a man, who looked in his forties, lying dead on the snow. His blood dyed the snow red.

He had dark blond hair and a soft, kind face. Well, it was more in pain but we'll steer clear of that for now.

Skulduggery kneeled down to look at the body. He muttered random things to himself and he examined it, looking at all the stab marks, the position of the body, the expression, and the surroundings.

'Well' he said eventually 'it was sanguine. This is his killing style. He followed the man' he gestured to the sets of foot prints that went further than Valkyrie could see. 'Sanguine sunk into the ground' he gestured to where there was no snow and cut up grass and dirt. 'The victim stopped' he gestured to where the second set of footprints stopped 'and sanguine emerged behind him and launched the attack' skulduggery said, gesturing to the second patch of cut up grass and dirt.

Valkyrie nodded

'Makes sense to me' she shrugged, standing closer to skulduggery.

'Yes, but what we still don't understand is why Billy-ray sanguine has done this' evert said

'You know him?' skulduggery asked

Evert grimaced slightly

'A colleague had a run in with him a couple of years ago. The night you took down baron vengeuous' evert said

'Is he alright? The colleague?' Valkyrie asked

'Uh. No. hes dead'

'Ah. Sorry.'

'It's alright. Hardly knew the man. He worked for the English sanctuary'

Valkyrie shrugged and turned to skulduggery

'Why do you think sanguine did it?' she asked

Skulduggery shrugged too.

'He's psychopath Valkyrie, maybe he just in the area and decided to kill him'

'Oh.'

'Well- we'll be continuing this investigation tomorrow. A heavy snow fall is coming in now so we're going to pack up and leave. Let me know if you have any ideas. Thank you for coming detectives' evert smiled, and then turned and walked away, chatting with someone.

Skulduggery and Valkyrie walked back through the snowy paths surrounded by trees, hand in hand.

They walked in silence for a while before any of them spoke.

'Any thoughts?'

'Well, he was stabbed six times, and most of them where defensive marks, so he must've put up a fight' Valkyrie shrugged.

'I didn't mean that' skulduggery said calmly, but quieter than usual.

'Oh? What'd you mean?'

'Just…just any thoughts?'

'Yes. One.'

'And that is..?'

'I love you'

They walked in silence for about four seconds in silence before skulduggery whirled round to Valkyrie, wrapped his arms around valkyries waist, and kissed her.

Valkyrie was too stunned to do anything for a minuet. A skeleton. That she was kissing. A 400 and something year old skeleton who she usually argued with. It just didn't seem right.

But then she shrugged slightly and slid her arms around his neck, pulling skulduggery closer.

Nothing seemed right in her world any more anyway.

And that was the way she liked it. Organised chaos.

Somewhere else, a crab was dancing…


	24. Killer, The Hoosiers, The Final

Killer- the Hoosiers- part three.

Skulduggery and Valkyrie entered the house to a lot of different noises.

The yelling- was coming from tanith and Fletcher- it went like this

'Jesus Christ Fletcher gets some trousers on!' tanith yelled

Fletcher roared with laughter

Ghastly stood in the hall way, leaning against the stairs, shaking his head and laughing.

Tanith noticed skulduggery and Valkyrie standing in the doorway, she stopped chasing Fletcher.

'Oh hey guys! So what happened then?' she asked, bounding up to them.

Valkyrie went bright red, and skulduggery all of a sudden had a great interest in the floor.

Tanith frowned

'What?' she complained 'I was only asking about the case!'

'Oh!' Valkyrie yelled 'right, sorry, thought you meant something- uh- else'

Tanith raised an eyebrow but didn't question it further.

Skulduggery told tanith and ghastly all about the case. He would've told Fletcher too but he had wandered of in search for a pair of jeans…

'ev'n all' said a deep Texan drawl

Slowly, ghastly, tanith, Valkyrie, and skulduggery got of their stools in the kitchen and turned to glare at the Texan leaning against the counter smirking.

'You're under arrest' skulduggery growled his gun already in his hand. He stepped in front of Valkyrie.

'oh? And what's little ol' me done this time?' sanguine asked, looking innocent and smiley.

'Murder, attempted murder, assault, aiding the end of the world, and perhaps littering' skulduggery said, thumbing back the hatch on his gun.

'Oh, that' sanguine said, bringing his straight razor from his jacket pocket

'Why did you murder all those people?' tanith asked, her sword in her hand

'Ahh! Sword lady! Nice to see you again. I thought it would scare you to be honest. Murders, all getting closer and closer to here. And this is the part where I launch at you, kill you all, and dance on your corpses' sanguine smiled

'Very charming' ghastly muttered

Skulduggery slammed a shoulder into sanguine and he was knocked of his feet. He clambered back up again and punched skulduggery in the jaw. Ghastly moved into sanguine and got him in a head lock.

'Ow! Jeeze that's sore!' sanguine yelled

'Yes, that's the intention' Valkyrie smiled sweetly

Sanguine scowled

'Nobody like sarcasm miss Cain' he scorned, trying to struggle

'Nobody likes a murderer either' Valkyrie spat back

'You're under arrest sanguine' skulduggery said, aiming the gun at sanguine

'No. im not. Ya'll have a good day now' sanguine smiled. The ground below him cracked and as he slipped into the ground, he winked at Valkyrie.

Fletcher entered the kitchen, wearing a pair or ripped, blue jeans. He grinned stupidly.

'Did I miss anything?' he asked

Valkyrie threw an orange at his face.


	25. I Caught Myself, Paramore

I caught myself- paramore

Scenario 1-

'don't- no don't touch that!- valkyrie!'

'its not poisonous'

' it's a bomb!'

'look- ghastly thinks its disabled so it disabled'

'it is' ghastly nodded, crouching behind the two'

'see?' valkyrie smiled smugly

Valkyrie flicked it and it started beeping, little numbers flashing on the tiny screen, counting down.

**Beep beep beep**

'Run!' skulduggery yelled

Scenario 2

'Stay away from that- don't! No! Valkyrie! What did I just say?'

'Uh……don't, no, Valkyrie, what did I just say?' Valkyrie asked

'Before that'

'I….don't…..know……'

'Just stay away from the edge'

'Skulduggery, you let me fight faceless ones, vampires, numerous evil guys, but when it comes to the edge of a cliff…….'

'Just stay away'

'Fine'

Scenario 3-

'valkyrie cain DO NOt touch that motorbike!'

'………run for it tanith!'

Today-

Valkyrie glared at skulduggery.

He was oblivious to the fact that he was being glared at but he had a certain…smugness……

He had been SO over protective of her and now, Valkyrie thought, getting up from the sofa. She had a lesson to teach that darn skeleton…….

She climbed up to the attic and found the skylight. It was easy to find seeing as it was the only source of light in the dark, smelly, attic of Gordon's mansion.

She opened it and climbed up onto the roof and smiled with satisfaction.

She pressed the number for skulduggery on speed dial.

'Hello? Hang on, Valkyrie?! You were down here five minuets ago!?'

'Yep, im on the roof!' Valkyrie grinned smugly

'What?!'

Skulduggery hung up and two minuets 17 seconds later skulduggery was standing outside looking up at Valkyrie in quiet amazement.

'Hi!' she yelled down, giggling

Tanith, Fletcher and ghastly came outside and tanith was in fits

'YOU GO, VALLLL!' tanith yelled between gushes of laughter

'COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!' skulduggery yelled up

'Nope!' Valkyrie yelled

Skulduggery said something to Fletcher and Fletcher shook his, head grinning

Valkyrie dug in her pocket and pulled out her ipod, and then she plugged it into her portable speakers she'd brought up with her.

She put on I don't care, by fall out boy, and danced crazily. This was the best rebellion ever……

I! DON'T! CARE WHAT YA THINK AS LONG AS IT'S ABOOOOUT MEEE!' THE BEST OF US CAN FIND HAAAAPPPPIIIINNEEEEEESSSS IN MIS-'valkyrie yelled happily. Tanith was laughing and singing along with her but valkyries singing was cut short when her foot slipped of the gutters……

She screamed as she fell. She tried to get the air to form around her, to carry her, but she was panicking so much. She couldn't stop herself from falling.

All the images of her friends and family flashed before her eyes.

Tanith

Ghastly

Fletcher

Kenspeckle

China

Her mum

Her dad

Her cousins and aunts and uncles

And then it settled on skulduggery's face and a tear escaped valkyries shut eyes.

And, just before she hit the tarmac with a sickening thwack, just before all her bones where crushed and her neck snapped and her heart stopped beating-

Arms caught her

Strong, bony, arms

And they held her tight.

Valkyrie couldn't open her eyes for a second, encase she was lying on the ground, and she saw her own blood beside her and felt what was left of her bones inside her.

She felt the cold sting her cheeks. And when she was sure she wasn't lying on the ground, she slowly opened her eyes. And a skeleton smiled down at her (well, it LOOKED like a smile)

Tanith was standing beside her, her hands on her face, tears running down her pink cheeks

Ghastly had a look of shock, horror, and disbelief on his face, and he had one hand lightly on valkyries wrist, like he wasn't sure weather she was a ghost, or just lying dead in skulduggery's arm.

Fletcher- well, Fletcher looked shocked, amused, annoyed, happy, angry, and bloody well confused.

'v-valkyrie?' skulduggery whispered 'v-valkyrie? Can you say something? Please say something'

'Owwww' Valkyrie groaned

Tanith gasped in shock and relief and wrapped her arms around her friend.

Ghastly sighed happily, and squeezed valkyries hand, then let go quickly, looking awkward.

Skulduggery held Valkyrie tighter to him

'You are in so much trouble' skulduggery murmured in her ear.

Valkyrie pouted and folded her arms, looking up at skulduggery defiantly.

'Excellent' she smirked

Fletcher grinned

'Well, now valkyries fallen of her fair share of mansions for the day, I think we should go inside. Im freezing my arse of here'

Valkyrie laughed at fletcher's choice of words and she knew skulduggery would roll his eyes…if he had them.

Valkyrie realised she was still in skulduggery's arms and she looked at him

'You can put me down now' she smiled, although a part of her didn't want him too

DARN. Skulduggery's voice thought

'Of course' skulduggery said, and set her down.

Ghastly and the others had walked ahead of them, but weren't in the house yet

As soon as valkyries feet touched the ground, Valkyrie turned round, put her arms round skulduggery's neck, and kissed him.

She wasn't exactly sure why. Either it was because she just wasn't thinking, she was still in shock, or she was bloody crazy, but she kissed him- and liked it. Skulduggery wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer.

Tanith looked back, wondering why she wasn't hearing the sounds of arguing, and grinned. She grabbed ghastly and fletchers arms and yanked them back. Fletcher squeaked but tanith clapped a hand over his mouth.

Ghastly and tanith grinned at the sight.

WOOHOO! Thought skulduggery's voice. NOW, WHERE'D I PUT THAT DECK CHAIR….


	26. Knock You Down, Keri Hilson

Knock you down- Keri hilson

Valkyrie Cain and skulduggery pleasant walked into the library. Arguing.

'Look, it's a well known fact that women are more danger prone than men' skulduggery protested, shoving Valkyrie playfully.

'The hell it is! Danger sits around and waits for you to catch up!' Valkyrie grinned

'It's not fair to quote me, Valkyrie'

'But you said it!'

'Yes, but that was before we got into this argument…'

China sorrows stood behind a bookcase, glaring at the child and skulduggery.

She wasn't sure she was glad for what she had done, and what she was about to put the child through. And then skulduggery slipped his hand into valkyries and Chinas anger flared up.

Skulduggery should love HER and not the CHILD.

And then Chinas mind was made up. She didn't regret anything. This was revenge.

China stepped out from behind the bookcase and smiled a convincing fake smile

'Valkyrie, skulduggery, hello. How are you both'

'Fine' skulduggery shrugged

'Fine' Valkyrie said

China smiled at them for a minuet before speaking.

'A lovely Texan gentleman came into me earlier this morning, and he asked for the whereabouts of your parents, Valkyrie. I hope you don't mind that I gave it to him'

Valkyries face drained with colour and skulduggery stiffened.

He squeezed valkyries hand and china felt her heart go cold.

'w-what' Valkyrie choked

Skulduggery slipped into a protective stance in front of valkyrie.

'Oh, im sorry Valkyrie, but he DID ask. And I for one wasn't going to put him down. I am hospitable to all the people I meet.' China said. She couldn't contain the grin which spread across her face.

Tears streamed down valkyries face

'China, stop it, seriously, you DIDN'T tell him. God, china PLEASE tell me you didn't tell him' Valkyrie stammered, her knees were bent like she was going to collapse onto her knees.

China smirked

'How DARE you' skulduggery said, taking three steps towards china.

Valkyrie fell to her knees, tears running down her face. She didn't say anything, but a look of sheer shock and pain was on her face

China smirked and shrugged

Skulduggery threw one, massive, hard, painful punch, right into Chinas pretty, smirking face.

And then a massive fight broke out, and the tall thin man with the bow tie joined in and Valkyrie stood in their midst, tears running down her white cheeks. Shock over running her.

And then her brain kicked into action and she realised what was happening.

She had to get to her house. Now.

'Skulduggery!' she yelled over the sound of fighting 'skulduggery, come on! Stop it! I just want to go! PLEASE can we go?' valkyrie said, trying to grab skulduggery's hand. And then she grabbed it and something so unexpected happened that everyone was stunned into silence.

Skulduggery swung round, and hit Valkyrie Cain so hard and so fast. She smacked against the cold, hard marble ground.

Everyone stopped, and stood, and stared. Skulduggery stared at valkyrie, as blood ran down her face, and he went to help her up, but valkyrie got up herself, and stared e=at skulduggery for a second. And she was all of a sudden utterly terrified of him. The hardest fist that had ever hit her was the one she loved most.

Skulduggery took a step towards her, his arms stretched out towards her like he wanted to comfort her, to hug her, but valkyrie took a step back, and whirled, and ran out the door.

'Valkyrie! Please!' skulduggery yelled after valkyrie, and then he ran after her…

Valkyrie stumbled down the stairs, sobbing, looking for somewhere to curl up and cry and then she flung open the double doors. It was pouring with rain, the dark sky and the empty streets looking and feeling depressing. It made VALKYRIE depressed.

She slipped round the corner and into a little alley. She slid down the wall, gasping for breath, and began to cry, her tears mixing with rain.

What had he done to her?

Split her forehead, burst her lip, cut open her cheek, and bruised her face. With one, powerful violent blow.

She heard foot steps through the hammering of the rain.

Skulduggery.

He stopped at the entrance/ exit (whatever) to the alley and saw her. He sprinted towards Valkyrie, and slid down the wall beside her. He wrapped his arms tight around her and they sat in the rain, as Valkyrie cried.

'im so sorry, valkyrie' skulduggery whispered in her ear.

Valkyrie didn't say anything but reached up and kissed him lightly on the lips…teeth.

Then she curled up into his chest again, and cried


	27. Beat Your Arse, Run4It

Beat your arse- run4it

'Shut your face'

'I have no face to shut'

'Does that mean you're a faceless one, then?' Valkyrie chided skulduggery

'Hahaha. Spending six months with them and only getting back two days ago does not make that amusing valkyrie'

'Im glad your back, skulduggery' Valkyrie said softly

'Im glad to see your face again. And im glad to get back to your cheeky assed attitude' skulduggery mocked, but he had sincerity as well.

Valkyrie shoved skulduggery and when she went to take her hand away, skulduggery grabbed it, and slid his fingers through hers.

Valkyrie smiled at him and skulduggery would've flashed a 'Fletcher grin'…but he had no lips so that plan was buggered.

Skulduggery's phone started ringing

'Bloody phones' skulduggery muttered

'Well, it was my only way of talking to you up until two days ago Valkyrie shrugged

'True' skulduggery pondered, reaching into his pocket and getting out his phone.

He put it on loudspeaker so he had both hands for driving, and one for holding valkyries hand, of course.

'Hello?' he asked

'Ah, detective, how nice to have you back' thruid guild said, his voice cold and unwelcoming.

'Thruid, I'd say the same, but I'd be lying' skulduggery said, cheery and smug as usual.

Valkyrie had to clap over her hand to stop herself laughing.

Guild was silent for a moment, like he was trying to hold back yelling

'I would like you and miss Cain to come down to the sanctuary in half an hour to discuss what happened at your encounter of the faceless ones a few months back with remus and I'

Skulduggery grunted

UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE MONTH, RETARD skulduggery's voice thought

'Remus, huh?' skulduggery asked.

Valkyrie knew him well enough to know he wanted to beat the crap out of Remus for jailing Valkyrie.

Inside skulduggery head, his little voice had plans, maps, and sat navs everywhere, planning a complete battle…

'Yes, is that a problem?' guild snapped, irritated.

'No, no not at all. When do you want us?'

'In half an hour' guild said, and hung up

'Charming' skulduggery muttered

'Your going to severely hurt crux aren't you?' Valkyrie smirked. She had a funny vision of Remus squealing.

'It could be painful…' skulduggery murmured thoughtfully.

The voice cackled evilly and began writing down coordinates…


	28. Right Between The Eyes, Bowling For Soup

Right between the eyes- bowling for soup

Skulduggery, valkyrie, tanith, Fletcher and ghastly swaggered into the sanctuary, without a care in the world.

Skulduggery had revenge on his mind

Valkyrie had skulduggery on her mind

Tanith had Remus squealing on her mind

Ghastly had tanith on his mind

And Fletcher had his hair on his mind…again.

The strange gang drew many curious looks and the three oddly dressed young teenagers that sauntered in behind them drew confused and scared stares…

The wild haired girl tipped her top hat to a few bystanders, the girl with bright fire-engine red hair nodded her head discreetly to some, and the girl with long black hair, linked arms with the two others and started singing 'don't trust me' by 3OH!3.

Some mages backed away. The cleavers, if they were capable of emotion, would probably be in fits of laughter right now…

They entered a circle room, where the grand mage and Remus crux where waiting for them. They were both sneering. Well, guild was sneering, Remus was more trying not to cry…

' ah detective. You brought some friends…' guild said disapprovingly.

Skulduggery ignored that statement

' you wanted us, guild?'

'yes, I would like to discuss the events at aronmore'

' yes.'

Guild looked slightly behind his right shoulder and then nodded once.

'it seems I will have to leave you all for a moment, please excuse me. Im sure crux will be good company while im gone' thruid said, almost mocking.

Remus let out a small half whimper half moan.

'of course' skulduggery nodded, but his tone was different, happy, but sort of evil…

Ghastly and tanith looked at each other in question, but they looked like they knew what was going on, but wasn't sure that WAS what was going on.

Valkyrie turned to them and nodded, confirming their queries. Skulduggery WAS going to beat the tar out of crux, like he'd promised two hours before he was sucked into the portal. Typical.

Crux looked at them, and gathered all the courage he had (which wasn't very much…) and sneered at them.

' I heard you put my partner in jail' skulduggery said casually, like he was having a normal conversation.

'She deserved it. And so do YOU skeleton'

'She really didn't, Remus, she really didn't'

'You're crazy'

'I will not deny that'

And with that, skulduggery punched Remus right between the eyes

Remus yelped, and tried to blast a concentrated patch of air at skulduggery, but skulduggery ducked and drove his hip into Remus's side and then into his stomach.

Remus groaned on the floor

'That's offence to a member of the sanctuary' he mewled.

'Yes. Yes it is…'

Ghastly, tanith, Fletcher, skulduggery, and Valkyrie all walked through the sanctuary, not talking just laughing internally at the events the day had brought…and where about to bring…

Except Fletcher. He was looking at his hair in a compact mirror he'd nicked from valkyries bedroom.

All of a sudden, Fletcher felt someone slip an arm through his. For a moment, he thought it was Valkyrie, but she was talking with skulduggery, and holding his hand. Fletcher's cheeks burned red in anger.

'Awww. You look so retarted when you're angry' someone chided. The voice was familiar…

Fletcher slowly looked round at the girl on his arm. The bright red haired teen grinned at him. Beside her, was the black haired girl, and beside her, was Shakra flame, muttering to herself. She looked up and waved at Fletcher and then went back to her muttering.

'Jesus Christ how'd you get here?!' Fletcher yelled

The other four had stopped, turned, and where grinning amused now…

'Well, it all started when…RUN!' the black haired girl yelled

The three teens sprinted down the hall way, and Shakra let out a triumphant 'woot!' before loosing balance and falling on her face.

She got up, dusted herself of, muttered some more, and then began sprinting down the corridors with the other two lunatics.


	29. You Jump I Jump, Dance4Life

You jump I jump- dance4life

Valkyrie and skulduggery peered over the turret, and then at the thin wire stretching across the length of the two cliffs.

'That's high' Valkyrie commented.

'Yes. It is.'

'So how to get down?'

'With great difficulty, I imagine.'

'That's not much of a plan'

'Is it ever?'

'No'

'Of course'

'So how DO we got down, then?'

'Well, I will slide down that wire, across to that lower cliff, and if I deem it safe enough, you will follow.'

'The hell with that'

'No, not the hell with that, it's a good plan, which we will be sticking to'

'Why?'

'because we only have a little hook each, that has to get us down the face of the third highest cliff in the world, on a thin wire, probably not even strong enough to hold yours truly'

'Screw that'

'Language, valkyrie'

'English. I speak English'

And then Valkyrie snatched the hook from her belt loop, attached it to the wire, hung on for dear life, and launched of the edge of the cliff.

Fifteen minuets later, Valkyrie was casually lying on the ground, propped up on her elbows, grinning at the skeleton that was staring at her in silent shock

The voice in the back of his head was silent, shaking its head slowly.

'I...can't….believe….that wire…snapped…and you….made it.' Skulduggery stammered. 'How the HELL did you make it?'

'Im just that freaking awesome'

'Never again valkyrie. NEVER again'


	30. Awkwardness is the Key, Run4It

Awkwardness is the key to sexiness- run4it

Valkyrie and skulduggery where driving through haggard. It was a normal day and they where discussing fall out boy. Well, Valkyrie was insisting skulduggery should listen to it and skulduggery was bloody well refusing…

'I like him hallelujah the best' Valkyrie said matter of factly

'Id like it if you'd shut the hell up' skulduggery said, in the same tone

Valkyrie shoved him and they both laughed

Skulduggery looked to his right for a second, out the window, and then snapped his head back to stare out the windscreen. He didn't say anything. But Valkyrie could tell he was upset about something.

'What?' Valkyrie asked

No answer

Valkyrie looked out skulduggery's window and nearly gasped. She grabbed skulduggery's hand to reassure him that that scene was not the one Valkyrie really wanted. Skulduggery squeezed her hand, like he knew that, but it still hurt.

Gary price, a guy Valkyrie had liked, before she fell in love with skulduggery, was kissing her reflection at the bus stop.

'I-im sorry, I d-didn't tell you about him…I just…didn't think it m-mattered…you know I-I'll ALWAYS love _you_, Nobody else skulduggery. I swear I have no feelings towards him. Valkyrie peered at Gary again 'and he's annoying and I don't like his personality and hes bloody ugly' she grimaced. How could she kiss him?

Skulduggery grunted

'And a living skeleton is all you ever hoped for?' he said hoarsely

'No, I never imagined I'd be in love with a skeleton. But I DID get my wish all the same'

'oh?' skulduggery mumbled

'To have a handsome man who cares about me, protects me, annoys me, makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me happy, makes me COMPLETE. I got you skulduggery.'

The Bentley pulled up to Gordon's mansion, and they got out and unlocked the front door. The silence becoming awkward. And they stepped into the house, and skulduggery lifted Valkyrie up in his arms suddenly, and pressed his forehead to hers.

'That earned you a lot of brownie points. I think that deserves a reward, don't you?' Skulduggery murmured.

Valkyrie grinned, and pressed her lips to skulduggery's.

Teeth.


	31. Why don't I Miss You? Garbage

**Sorry guys! Those buggers druna and shakra have been torturing me to do a bit of fletchery BUT my wonderful readers, it ends in valduggery. Don't worry. **

**xo**

Why don't I miss you? – Garbage- part one

'I love you' Fletcher said, wrapping his arm round valkyries waist, and kissing the top of her head.

'I know'

'And I'll be back in two days'

'I know. But why do you have to go?'

'Because I haven't been back to London in years Valkyrie, I need to go back again. Just to be home for a bit, you know?'

'Ok. I'll see you soon'

'I miss you already'

'Same'

Fletcher kissed Valkyrie and skulduggery grunted from behind

Valkyrie smiled and waved Fletcher goodbye as he walked out the front door and started down the driveway.

She closed the door and turned to skulduggery. She was sure she saw him grin.

' oooohh fletttcccchherrrrr yooouuurr SUCH a pain in the arse and I LOVE you fleeeetttccchhhhheeerrrrrrr' skulduggery chided mockingly.

Valkyrie rolled her eyes, summoned a flame, and sprinted after skulduggery who was already darting down the corridor laughing.

Valkyrie started laughing herself and she couldn't run anymore, she lost her balance, and collided with skulduggery.

They crashed to the floor in a heap.

And the laughter was deafening.


	32. Why Don't I Miss You? Garbage, Part 2

Why don't I miss you?- garbage- part 2/two (meh.)

'You want anything to eat?'

'Im a skeleton'

'Ah.'

'Took you a while to realise, didn't it?'

Valkyrie shrugged, grinned, and took a bite out of an apple.

'It didn't take me long to realise what an ego maniac you are with the worlds most annoying personality, though' Valkyrie grinned when she was finished her bite.

'Ahh, it puzzles me so, how someone so small can be so sarcastic…' skulduggery sighed, folding his arms on the breakfast bar opposite Valkyrie.

Valkyrie copied his pose on the other side of the breakfast bar and smirked

'At least im awesome'

'You had to ruin the moment didn't you?' skulduggery sighed again

He caught up with his words and froze. Valkyrie froze too. But she couldn't help blushing and smiling. Grinning.

'The moment?' she asked

'The moment where we actually both had GOOD comebacks' skulduggery said, stammering slightly.

It was only then they both realise how close they were to each other. They pulled away.

Valkyrie threw her apple in the bin and yawned

'Your tired. You should go to bed' skulduggery commented, watching her carefully

'No im not' Valkyrie protested. But then she realised she was absolutely exhausted.

'Yes you are. Come on'

Skulduggery took valkyries hand and led her up to her room. She lay down on the bed and smiled up at him. Her heart started pounding in her chest. Like it did when she was around Fletcher.

'Night' she mumbled

'Sweet dreams' skulduggery whispered, squeezed her hand, and then went out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Valkyrie lay in bed and looked up at the ceiling

She missed Fletcher.

Wait, no…she didn't. She didn't miss him at all. She didn't have those feelings she had when she thought of him any more. She just thought it was a little different not having him around any more. She knew she should miss him, and love him. And she still did love him, but now it was in the way of a good friend, or a brother.

That night, she dreamed about a skeleton. And she smiled.


	33. Why Don't I Miss You? Garbage, Part 3

Why don't I miss you? - garbage- part three

Valkyrie woke up to the sound of someone swearing

She sprinted down the stairs quickly, still in her pyjamas, and ran into the kitchen.

Lying on the floor was tanith, glaring up at skulduggery, who had his hand on his hip and was shaking his head down at her.

'That's what you get for bursting through the door at half six in the morning tanith' skulduggery shrugged

Tanith scowled and got up

'Cow' she muttered under her breath as she walked towards valkyrie

'Hey Val!' she smiled, hugging her friend

'Hi tanith! How are you?'

'Well, apart from getting thrown to the floor by a bloody skeleton' she turned her head to glare at skulduggery, and then went back to hugging Valkyrie 'im great. You?'

'Great'

'Missing fllllleeeettttccccccchhhhheeeeerrrrrr?!' tanith teased.

By this point, skulduggery was wandering out of the room, humming the girl from impanema

YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANA HEAR THIS MAN, WALK AWAY. WALK AWAY SMILING BEST YOU CAN… thought skulduggery's annoying voice

'What's wrong, Val' tanith frowned

'Tanith, I don't miss Fletcher at all'

'You what?!'

'I don't miss him. He's just…like…like a brother now. I' Valkyrie lowered her voice to a whisper and said in tanith's ear 'I love skulduggery'

Later on that day, skulduggery and Valkyrie where in the kitchen. Valkyrie was eating an orange.

Skulduggery was watching her, leaning his arms on the counter, with what LOOKED like a happy expression on his face. (skull)

'You've got beautiful eyes' skulduggery mumbled absently.

Valkyrie stopped eating her orange, and stared up at him

Skulduggery still seemed to be in an absent state

'I do?' Valkyrie asked quietly

'You do'

Valkyrie wandered up to him, until she was face to face with him.

'Thank you' she murmured

They both leaned in and kissed. Valkyrie smiled, and kissed him again.

Skulduggery wrapped his arms around valkyries waist and lifted her up onto the counter so she wouldn't have to stand on her tip toes.

Skulduggery pulled away too quickly and looked at her. He seemed shocked at what he'd just done.

'I-im so, so sorry Valkyrie…I…I d-don't know what came over me. Im so sorry' he stammered

Valkyrie slid her arms round skulduggery's neck and pulled her to him

'Don't be' she murmured, and kissed him again

**Fletcher renn stood in his hotel room grinning. He fired his stuff into his suitcase and began to zip it. **

**He couldn't wait to get back to his girlfriend. His beautiful funny girlfriend. **

**He'd never been happier with anyone else but her**

**He grinned one more time, excited, and teleported. **


	34. A Friendly Goodbye, Bowling for Soup

A friendly goodbye- bowling for soup

Valkyrie paced up and down the hall, twiddling her fingers, deciding what to say to fletcher.

Skulduggery leaned against the wall, watching her.

Suddenly, fletcher teleported into the hall and grinned.

'Hey guys' he smiled

It nearly killed Valkyrie to know that she was about to break his happy mood for a long, long time.

Fletcher bounded up to Valkyrie and went to kiss her but Valkyrie turned her head so Fletcher kissed her cheek instead

Valkyrie turned to look at him and Fletcher had a look of knowing in his eyes

'Im so sorry Fletcher. So, so sorry' Valkyrie whispered, her voice breaking

Fletcher stared at her and his bottom lip quivered and tears welled up in his big soft eyes. He looked like a very sweet four year old being told his parents where dead.

'p-please' he stammered, reaching his hands out to her helplessly.

He all of a sudden looked so small and vulnerable. Tears running down his face, His bottom lip quivering more.

'Im so, so sorry Fletcher' Valkyrie said again. Tears in her own eyes too. It was breaking his heart to watch this.

Fletcher let out a sob and Valkyrie ran to him like he was a child that needed comforting, and she wrapped her arms around him, holding him to her. He cried into her.

He WAS a child that needed comforting.

'Shhh' Valkyrie whispered 'I'll be ok. Everything'll be ok baby. Please don't cry. I still love you as a little brother. You're my little brother Fletcher. PLEASE don't cry baby. I love you'

Fletcher sobbed again, and took her hand, holding it tightly.

'I-I-I l-love y-you t-too' he whispered, fresh tears in his eyes.

' awww Fletcher' valkyrie sighed, hugging him closer.

Half an hour later, Valkyrie and Fletcher where sitting on the sofa. Fletcher curled up in Valkyrie arms. He still had tears rolling down his cheeks, but he was trembling from the aftershock of his crying.

It was silent apart from fletcher's occasional soft whimpers.

'Are you ok now?' valkyrie whispered

'n-n-no' Fletcher whispered back

'I know it hurts Fletcher, but you'll be ok. You'll meet someone great. They'll never be good enough for you but you'll be happy'

'N-n-no I w-wont' Fletcher whimpered

Valkyrie kissed fletchers teary cheek and got up.

'I still love you fletch, but as a brother.' she whispered

Fletcher got up too, and nodded, his bottom lip quivering again

He really needed another hug

Skulduggery, who had been standing in the doorway the whole time, knew that if he had a proper heart, it would be broken too. Fletchers face was too much to bear

Skulduggery walked over to Fletcher

'Come here, kid' he sighed quietly and took Fletcher into a hug.

Fletcher hugged him back, tears rolling down his cheeks. His heart was broken. And it hurt.


	35. When Love Takes Over, David Guetta

When love takes over- David guetta

Fletcher had gone to sleep on the sofa, teary eyed and trembling

Valkyrie sat on her bed, staring at the ground. She felt awful. Now she knew what it was like to kill a cute four year old.

Skulduggery came over and sat beside her. He put his arms around her.

'You ok?' he asked

'No' Valkyrie sighed 'I feel so bad. Fletchers face just fell when I told him. I…I fell so awful. I broke his heart.'

'Valkyrie, that's the way any guy reacts when he gets dumped, believe me'

' you've been dumped?'

' three times'

BUURRRRNNNNN thought skulduggery's voice

'Really?'

'God, yes. It wasn't fun. But I got over it. Everyone does'

'Will Fletcher?'

'Of course he will. He seems much better today'

'Are you sure?'

'Valkyrie, does this look like a face that would lie?'

'It doesn't look like a _face_'

'Fair point.'

'Thank you'

'For what?'

'Reassuring me'

'Your very welcome'

'I think…I think I'll just forget him for now. He'll be alright. Besides, ive got you.'

'You do'

Valkyrie sighed

She felt so selfish.

But for now, it was just her and skulduggery

Valkyrie turned to face him, and pressed her lips to his


	36. No Sound But The Wind, The Editors

No sound but the wind- editors

Valkyrie Cain stood at the edge of the cliff and looked down

She never thought it would ever come to this

She'd broken fletcher's heart

Her parents where dead

The love of her life, skulduggery pleasant, had died, instead of her, in a battle.

Her only two friends died, protecting her from herself.

She didn't want anything to do with love anymore

No life

No family

No friends

Nobody

Tears escaped her eyes

She was terrified

There wouldn't be anyone here to catch her when she fell.

She remembered all the times she'd fallen, and there was someone to catch her

Usually skulduggery

Her skulduggery

She had to jump

Because there was nobody there anymore

She took her first step towards the edge of the cliff

That was for her parents

She took another step

That was for Fletcher

She took another step

That was for tanith and ghastly

She took another step

That was for everyone she'd ever hurt, everyone she'd ever killed, everyone she'd ever lost

And then she jumped

That. That was for skulduggery pleasant

For her best friend, her love, her life, her teacher, and for her skeleton.

She didn't even scream

And there was no sound but the wind.


	37. Candy, Paolo Nutini

Candy- Paolo nutini

Tanith and valkyrie sat in the Bentley, glaring at the three men.

'we hate you' tanith and valkyrie snarled at the same time

' whoa, no offence ladies, but that was freaky shit' Fletcher grinned

He got two digs in the ribs

'I can't believe your making us do this' valkyrie hissed, glaring at skulduggery

Skulduggery shrugged

'It's a clever and unpredictable way to find this guy. Its Halloween, he lives in one of these houses, and your both in strange clothes worthy of trick or treating in

'Bloody skeleton' Valkyrie muttered 'c'mon tanith lets go get some freaking bad guys'

'And candy!' tanith perked up

'And candy' Valkyrie grinned. She turned to skulduggery 'we'll call you if we get recognised, captured and killed'

'Good idea' skulduggery said

Valkyrie and tanith rolled their eyes and got out of the car

They were in an estate, teaming with trick or treaters, ranging from ages of 4 to 20. it looked fun. Everyone was in costume.

Valkyrie wished she'd dragged the boys along too. A scarred tailor, a skeleton, and a boy with ridiculous hair who looked like a pokemon character. THAT would've been fun.

' I wonder why the boys made us go by ourselves?' tanith said absently

'dammit! I left my pone in the car!' valkyrie exclaimed

'Oh, you can borrow mine' tanith said, fishing her ohone out of her pocket

Valkyrie dialled her own number

She waited but nobody answered

_This is the o2 messaging service; please leave a message after the tone_

Valkyrie was about to leave a message when she heard voices.

She could hear the guys talking on the other end

'Tanith!' Valkyrie hissed 'I can hear the boys! I can hear the boys!'

'Well listen to what they're saying you tard!'

'Shhhh!'

'_So why did you make they girls go without us then?' Fletcher said_

'_I made them go, because I have something to ask you both, well, not really you Fletcher, more ghastly' skulduggery said_

'_Oi!' Fletcher protested_

'_Shut up' ghastly snapped, no doubt at Fletcher ' what's the matter, skul?'_

_There was silence for a moment_

' _what do you do when….um….when your in love with someone? Someone…younger than you. Much,_ much_ younger than you?'_ _skulduggery stammered_

Valkyrie froze to the spot.

Tanith was grinning at her.

Valkyrie looked round and realised the streets where nearly empty

_Skulduggery…is there something you want to tell us?' ghastly asked_

' _yes' skulduggery said simply_

'_and that is…?'_

' _i…um…I-love v…v…'_

' _jesus Christ just say is pleasant!' fletcher groaned_

' _shut up' ghastly snapped again_

_Skulduggery sighed_

' _I love valkyrie' _

_There was silence_

Valkyries heart stopped beating and she found herself grinning. And loving him back.

The streets where empty now

Dear LORD this day is really,_ REALLY _screwed up. Skulduggery's voice thought

Valkyrie pressed the end call button and grabbed tanith's hand. They raced back to the car

'Er…what ARE we doing valkyrie?' tanith asked as they jogged

'Going back to the car! Ive got something to do!' valkyrie called

' your crazy Val!' tanith yelled, falling behind

'Of cour- argh!' Valkyrie fell onto her knees and rolled onto her back.

'Owwww' she moaned.

Tanith roared with laughter

She heard footsteps coming towards her

Skulduggery kneeled down beside her and laughed

'You can't last a day without falling' he sighed

Valkyrie got up onto her knees, so she was face to face with skulduggery and she scowled hardly at him.

'Sorry, I dint know you where actually hurt' skulduggery stammered, putting his hands up apologetically.

A large grin broke out on valkyries face and she tilted her head to the side and pressed her lips to skulduggery's

Skulduggery froze for a second.

'OK THEN…THIS IS NEW…IT FREAKING ROCKS!' skulduggery's voice yelled

Skulduggery wrapped his arms around valkyries waist and pulled her up onto her feet. Valkyrie wrapped her arms around skulduggery's neck. She stood up on her tip toes

Tanith stared at them for a moment, then went and slid into the back of the Bentley beside ghastly and Fletcher.

'Er…where's Val and skul?' ghastly asked

Tanith pointed towards the window and the boys looked out and stared

'Bloody hell' Fletcher muttered

'Well, we could be here a while' ghastly concluded

'Anyone wana play I-spy?' Fletcher asked


	38. Monsters, Hurricane Bells

Monsters- hurricane bells

'Wheres the miiillllkkkkk!' Fletcher yelled

'Up your hole!' tanith yelled back

'Very funny! Seriously though! Wheres the milk!'

'There isn't any! Now shut the hell up or you'll wake Alice!' Valkyrie yelled 'why do you want milk anyway?' she asked, coming into the kitchen, her baby, Alice, in her arms

'Because I want some cheerio's' Fletcher grumbled

Valkyrie rolled her eyes

'I think your five, to be honest' she sighed

Skulduggery came into the kitchen, looking like he was looking for something

'Has anyone seen my car keys?' he asked

'Uh…no' valkyrie said 'take Alice'

'Um…hate to break it to you dear, but I can't start a car using my baby. It's inhumane and ridiculous'

Valkyrie rolled her eyes again and handed over Alice to her husband

'I'll look for them, there usually right in front of your eyes; you look after Alice for a moment'

'Why me?' skulduggery whined

'Because she is your daughter and you are my husband'

'How is that relevant?'

'…you're stupid'

'That's not relevant either'

'Just do it!' Valkyrie snapped 'why do you need car keys anyway?'

'Im going to the shop, we're out of milk'

'My point exactly!' Fletcher yelled, triumphantly

Valkyrie rolled her eyes.

She opened a drawer and produced the Bentley keys

'How'd you find them!' skulduggery exclaimed

'Um…to tell you the truth… I was hiding them from you. Well, not so much you. Fletcher, actually'

Skulduggery turned slowly to Fletcher

'I. am. Going. To. Kill. You. Renn' skulduggery hissed, then took the keys off the worktop and walked to the front door

Valkyrie followed

'Can I have my baby back' Valkyrie asked

Skulduggery considered this

'No' he said

Valkyrie sighed

'I'll come with you. I need out of this mad house. Fletcher, can I trust you to look after Alice for ten minuets?'

'Sure, sure' Fletcher shrugged, taking Alice from skulduggery's arms

'Heelloooo baby!' Fletcher cooed 'you're so pretty aren't you baby? You're like your mummy'

Alice smiled up at him.

She had valkyries eyes and ,apparently, skulduggery's reddish brown hair. She had pale skin and pink cheeks. She was very beautiful.

'Well, me and ghastly are gonna head home now' tanith sighed, taking ghastlys hand

'Sure, see you later' skulduggery smiled

Ghastly, tanith, Valkyrie, and skulduggery walked out the door, and got into the two cars

'Bye fletch!' Valkyrie called 'bye baby!'

'Same!' Fletcher called back

'I was talking to Alice!' Valkyrie called

Fletcher laughed

He closed the door and looked down at Alice

'Well now, Alice, you tired?' Fletcher crooned

As if to answer his question, Alice yawned, and her big eyes drooped.

'Now, what do you do if you're an irresponsible 27 year old in charge of a six month year old baby…???' Fletcher thought out loud

He went into the living room and put Alice into a collapsible cot.

Then he went into the kitchen to find something to eat.

A man, dressed all in black, with unnaturally pale skin, and a scar across his face, turned round gracefully and smiled.

'Ah, you must be Mr Renn. I don't believe we've met yet, it's a pleasure to finally meet you. I am dusk.'

'I know you! You tried to kill Valkyrie and skulduggery! You're a vampire! _You're a bloody freak_!' Fletcher yelled, jabbing a finger accusingly at him.

'Why thank you' dusk smiled, taking a step towards Fletcher

'Don't! Come! Near! Me!' Fletcher screeched

Dusk rolled his eyes, and took another graceful, threatening step towards Fletcher.

'_Don't_!' Fletcher yelled. He snatched up two cucumbers lying on the counter and held then in the shape of a cross up to dusks face

'Dear LORD Renn, I thought you'd have more sense than that' said a familiar voice

Fletcher and dusk turned to see three girls standing in the doorway.

Flaring rhythm, Shakra flame, and the nameless girl all stood in the doorway, in paramore t-shirts, leather jackets, tutus and converse.

The nameless girl had a hammer in her hand and Shakra was wearing a pair over sized, pink and yellow, novelty sunglasses.

Flaring was listening to her ipod, but still managed to give Fletcher a lecture

'I mean, come on Barbie,_ cucumbers_? How can you be that…_normal_? Flaring said the word with disgust

'My point exactly!' Shakra yelled, waving a Spork in the air.

'Anyway, we're not letting you get our bitch' the nameless girl said, Shakra nudged her and the nameless girl sighed '_or_ shakras sock puppet'

The three girls stepped in front of Fletcher.

'Im sorry ladies' dusk hissed, stepping forward 'but I am trying to kill Mr Renn, please step aside so I can rip his head of'

'Although you have a good taste in torture…' Shakra said, stroking her chin 'we can't allow you to hurt our faithful bitch and sock puppet. You'll have to get through us first, which I'd advise you not to do, but that would deprive us of kicking a vampires ass, so I'll not'

Dusk lunged at them all and Shakra stuck out her fist and it smacked dusk in the face

He snarled and lunged again, whacking Fletcher in the shoulder

'Ow!' he yelled

Fletcher tried to karate chop dusk and the stomach and he swore violently

' my nail! I broke a nail!' he screeched

Dusk rolled his eyes

'Christ, Barbie, you watch too many karate movies' the nameless girl sighed

Fletcher saw dusk coming up behind the nameless girl and he tried to tell her, but its hard to shout someone's name if you don't know it…

'Nameless loon!' Fletcher shouted too late.

Dusk striked the girls back and she flew across the room and landed in the sink

'Bum cheek' druna muttered, then she yelled 'and YOU Barbie! Thanks for warning me the bum cheek was there!'

'I don't know your name!' Fletcher yelled angrily

'Ive told you forty seven times! Druna malgood! My name is druna malgood, Barbie!' druna yelled

Fletcher stood there for a moment, staring, then nodded, kidding himself he understood, then he turned to flaring and Shakra who where still fighting dusk

Shakra stopped, shrugged, and went to help her friend out of the sink

Flaring smiled evilly at dusk, he fire engine red hair more menacing than ever.

'Vampire against vampire. Excellent' flaring growled, her eyes flashing yellow, fire in her right palm.

She crouched down and dusk copied her movement

'fucking vampire' flaring hissed

' you, are a vampire too, miss flaring rhythm' dusk snarled

' I have a middle name' flaring grinned

' im sorry?'

'apology accepted'

'no, no whats your middle name, GIRL'

' a) I believe the correct term is crazy girl, and b) malice. Flaring malice rhythm. Your worst nightmare' flaring smiled

She launched at dusk and striked his throat

They landed in a heap and flaring sat on dusk's stomach. She pulled a newspaper from a pocket, and started reading it.

'Shouldn't we go help flaring?' Fletcher asked.

Him, druna, and Shakra where leaning against the counter watching the crazy red head read the newspaper.

'Nah, malice 'as got it handled. She's not called flaring malice rhythm for nothing' Shakra said matter of factly, pushing her ridiculously large sunglasses up her nose

'Oh? Why's she called that then?'

'She's drilled it into us actually. Flaring temper, flaring fire, flaring attitude, founder of malice, lover oh rhythm. Her name basically sums her up, except she forgot to put in a name for psycho…' Shakra murmured thoughtfully, stroking her chin.'

Valkyries POV

Something was wrong.

Valkyrie wasn't sure how she knew, but she knew, something was wrong and they had to get home FAST

She froze, and skulduggery looked over at her

'What's wrong?' he asked

'Something's wrong, we have to get home now'

'We _are_ going home'

'Well drive faster'

'My pleasure…'

General POV

Skulduggery and valkyrie burst into the house and ran to the kitchen.

The scene was odd.

A girl with fire engine red hair, pale skin, and yellow eyes was reading the newspaper on top of dusk

Fletcher, druna, and Shakra where leaning against the kitchen counter discussing golf.

'Oh. My. God' Valkyrie said.

'My thoughts exactly' skulduggery muttered, conjuring fire in his hand

'YOU' dusk hissed. In a flash he was on his feet. Flaring flew of him with a shriek, and landed on her back. She muttered something that sounded a lot like 'when this is over, im having a stiff, stiff whiskey…'

Then she went back to reading her newspaper, grinning evilly at some article.

'You better not have touched my baby' Valkyrie hissed

Dusk looked at her confused, then at skulduggery, then to Valkyrie, then to skulduggery again then back to Valkyrie.

His confused expression lifted and he smiled

'The skeleton and the girl had a baby together. Disturbing.' Then a whole fight broke out and flaring was in the middle of it all, listening to the new moon soundtrack and reading the newspaper.

Valkyrie ran to the cupboard and grabbed out a can of salt, then she dumped it in a bowl of water.

'what are you doing!' skulduggery yelled amidst the yelling swearing and fighting.

'Saving our arses!' valkyrie yelled back, then threw the bowl of salt water over dusk

Dusk stopped, still grabbing flaring by the throat.

Flaring dangled there. Tapping her foot impatiently. She pulled out her newspaper again.

Dusk let her go, and she fell with a yelp, and dusk grabbed his own throat and started choking, coughing up salt water.

He growled at them all

'I'll get you all. You'll all be dead soon!' he yelled, then sprinted out the door

'I believe I had a hat!' druna yelled after him. It didn't work.

'Feck' she muttered 'I missed a chance to get a hat.'

'Well, erm, this is weird…' skulduggery muttered, looking at the three girls

'Shakra!' Valkyrie smiled, giving Shakra a hug

'Ev'n Cain. What be new with ye?' Shakra asked

'A lot'

'Ah. I wish I could say the same, but then again, I also wish I knew where sev was…' Shakra muttered. She drifted of, drowning in her own disturbingly scary thoughts.

'Nice to finally meet you properly' flaring grinned, taking of her top hat to Valkyrie. Nobody had any idea where she got it from. She hadn't been wearing it a minuet ago. ' I believe last time we met, I was having an argument with your husband so we never got to talk'

'When was that?'

'When he posed as a teacher, we saw through him though. The badgers gave it away.'

Skulduggery nodded slowly

'We never finished that argument' skulduggery said

'Fabulous, come kind sir, we have much to argue about' flaring said, taking skulduggery's arm, and leading him into the living room

Skulduggery looked back at them all with many emotions on his face. Amusement, smugness and a look which said oh-my-god-help-me-everyone-she's-a-bloody-maniac.

Everyone wandered into the living room after them and the discussions and laughter that day was like they where all a family. Well, except the three crazies, they where just there for fun.

Although they like to consider themselves as part of many families.

It was a crazy day, and Valkyrie smiled to herself.

This was her normal day and she loved it.

Flaring rhythm looked up from her newspaper and grinned evilly.


	39. The Only Exception, Paramore

The only exception- paramore

'valkyrie-'

'Just….leave me alone, skulduggery'

'valkyrie-'

'Leave m-me alone'

'Are you crying?' skulduggery said softly

'n-no' Valkyrie snapped

Valkyrie sat under her bed covers, her back to skulduggery. Skulduggery was standing in the doorway

'Im so, so sorry that boy dumped you. He probably wasn't good enough for you anyway' skulduggery said softly

'S-s-shut up'

'Valkyrie, its O.K.'

'n-no its not'

Skulduggery sighed and walked slowly to the bed.

He pulled the bed clothes off valkyries head and wrapped them around her. Then he climbed onto the bed and wrapped his arms around Valkyrie, who still had her back to skulduggery

He tilted valkyries chin up to look at him. Her face was tear streaked.

'Do you want to tell me the whole thing? Im probably not very good at all this boyfriend lark but im a good listener…and good at beating people up for that matter' skulduggery said the last part under his breath

Valkyrie choked a laugh but shook her head.

'd-don't you have some case to w-work on?' she asked, half grouchily.

'Well, yes, but that doesn't matter right now'

'I thought you a-always p-put w-work f-f-first'

'I DID, until I realised there are much, much more important things that should come first'

'What?'

'You'

Valkyrie smiled, and rested her head on skulduggery's shoulder.

'I just want to be alone for a bit' Valkyrie mumbled, burying her head into skulduggery's chest to hide the tears

'Can I not tempt you into letting me stay? You KNOW you need a hug'

'I need to be alone'

'Nonsense, having someone to give you a hug is always better than staying alone in your room'

'thank you'

'always'

'why are you doing this for me anyway?'

Skulduggery shrugged

WELL, HOW DO I PUT THIS LOVEY? I EFFING LOVE YOU. Skulduggery's voice thought

'I love you' skulduggery said. It took a lot of effort to stop his annoying voice taking over and saying 'I fucking love you baby!'

Valkyrie froze in his arms, and then smiled

'It's a good job I love you madly too, isn't it, or I would've taken your head clean of' Valkyrie commented, sliding the fingers of her right hand through skulduggery's.

'Charming'


	40. Turn It Off, Paramore

Turn it off- paramore

Fletcher renn had a bigger ego than skulduggery pleasant.

But, if skulduggery had hair, it would probably be the other way around.

But, that isn't the case; hence my first statement makes sense. For once.

Fletcher was standing in front of the mirror in the spare bedroom, empty tubes of hair gel every colour, and every brand, everywhere.

Oh yes, It was four thirty in the morning.

This was normal, on fletcher's standards. He never used to do this, but the three maniacs kept following him around, insisting he stopped taking so long to do his hair.

Flashback

Fletcher stepped out of the house, only to be grabbed back again

Shakra had a firm grip on fletcher's ear as she yanked him onto his back

The three girls where wearing black dresses and top hats and converse. Oh yeah, they where also wearing black angel wings…

'What the hell! Do you guys ever leave me alone?!' Fletcher yelled, trying to pry shakras fingers from his own ear

Druna started counting to herself on her fingers, and then she nodded, and turned to Fletcher

'No' she smiled

Fletcher scowled

'Anyway, speaking of Severus, where the hell where you, munchkin!? You take forever to do that fish of yours!' Shakra yelled, flicking fletcher's stupid hair.

'What!' Fletcher yelled, more confused than usual

' I mean, we've been waiting out here for ages! And there is only so much llamaworm one can take!' Shakra snapped

'Llamaworm!' druna and flaring yelled. They high fived each other in triumph

Shakra pinched the bridge of her nose, irritated, and sighed.

'Look sock puppet, I'll make you a deal. If you can come out of this house' Shakra pointed angrily to Gordon's mansion 'every morning at 7:30 am, I will not ask flaring and druna to follow you around for a whole week yelling llamaworm and mammy nun. But if you can't, then you can kiss whatever's left of your dignity goodbye!' Shakra yelled

Fletcher sighed and nodded. It was either llamaworm or getting up early.

Valkyrie, tanith, skulduggery and ghastly where sitting watching this from the living room window. They could hear everything.

'You know, Val, maybe we could have some fun with this arrangement' tanith smiled evilly.

'I agree completely' Valkyrie grinned

'Im going to win this bet! And no llamaworm for me!' Fletcher yelled at druna

'We'll see about that' tanith grinned

Valkyrie and tanith high fived each other.

Druna shrugged

'So's yer ma' druna smiled

Fletcher stood there, scowling at the loons, and then stalked of in the general direction of town. The three girls followed after him singing richman by 3OH!3

End flashback

Fletcher scooped another dollop of hair gel from a blue tub and started working it into his hair.

Flashback

Tanith and Valkyrie stalked through the house. It was all quiet.

'Valkyrie? Tanith?'

The girls looked behind them and at skulduggery leaning against the door frame, looking at them. Well, probably looking at them.

'Er…hi' tanith said

'Hi' Valkyrie smiled

'What are you two doing?' skulduggery asked, nodding to the bowls of flour and numerous random things the girls where carrying.

'Nothing' tanith said

'Why do you have flour?' Skulduggery asked

'…….baking a cake?' tanith tried

'With a plastic digger?'

Skulduggery tapped the toy digger Valkyrie was carrying

Tanith and Valkyrie paused, looked at each other, put down everything they where carrying, grabbed skulduggery's shoulders, and forced him back against the wall.

'If you tell anyone what we're doing, skulduggery pleasant, I will personally make sure you Bentley will never be getting any further than the scrapyard' Valkyrie hissed

'And we'll set Shakra, flaring and druna on you, and I believe that flaring still has an argument to finish with you' tanith hissed, smiling evilly, but looking sweet as well…

'deal' skulduggery said, utterly terrified ' what exactly ARE you doing anyway?'

'we're going to make sure fletcher looses this bet' tanith smiled

' oh, well, don't let me interrupt' skulduggery said happily, waving them onwards casually.

'Thanks' valkyrie smiled.

They picked all their things up again and slowly made their way down the corridor.

They opened the door to fletcher's room and he was fast asleep.

'God, I love pissing people of' tanith whispered wistfully.

Valkyrie stifled a giggle.

They went over to the small stereo and turned it up full volume and then put in a Katy Perry CD.

Tanith giggled.

They poured flour in a circular mountain around Fletcher then put little diggers, cars and Lego men everywhere.

They spent half and hour preparing traps everywhere.

End flashback

Fletcher woke up, with flour everywhere

Little Lego men where scattered all over the place and Fletcher was pretty sure he was lying on a plastic digger.

By the time he'd made his way past three buckets of water, a plastic shark and a metal yoyo, it was 7:00. He was never going to make it.

He tried to do his hair as quickly as possible but screwing up your hair takes time.

He went over to his stereo. He liked music in the morning.

When he flicked the on button, 'I kissed a girl' played at full volume.

Valkyrie tanith, and the three crazy girls, had never laughed so hard in their lives.

Well, except the time Fletcher fell down that man hole…


	41. The Violet Hour, Sea Wolf

Ok, eh….skulduggerys human. Why? Because I said so. So there.

Valkyries 25 or some age like that…

Izzydawolfgirl, you rock my multi coloured over knee socks. Very very much.

Nightyvampire, hurry up and write more chapters, world domination will have to wait, im afraid.

Nerdyskeleton, write more his and her broken bones RIGHT now, or shakra will deal with you, and believe me, it'll involve a mallet and a tuna.

The violet hour- sea wolf

Skulduggery lay on the grass, at the top of a random hill the author decided to add, beside valkyrie Cain.

'So…why'd you take me up here?' Valkyrie asked for the 90 dickity 2nd time.

3q

'…shut up'

Valkyrie sighed

Skulduggery looked out at the setting sun and grinned. This was amusing him.

'Are you going to tell me, or are you going to sit there grinning like a Looney?' Valkyrie asked, impatient, but not minding spending alone time with skulduggery.

TEMPTING….VERY TEMPTING…skulduggery's voice thought

Skulduggery shrugged, and leaned back on his elbows.

'Perhaps' he answered

Valkyrie leaned on her elbows too. Skulduggery shuffled closer to her.

'I don't like it when you don't tell me things' valkyrie said quietly

Skulduggery turned to her.

'You don't?'

'I don't. So will you please tell me?'

'I don't know how to.' Skulduggery mumbled. Looking down at the soft grass beneath them.

' now that is something, I never thought I'd see, skulduggery pleasant, lost for words.' Valkyrie sighed dramatically.

Skulduggery shoved her lightly and she laughed and curled into him

' I love you, you know that?' skulduggery asked, wrapping his arm around valkyries shoulders

'Really? I had no idea…' Valkyrie muttered sarcastically.

Skulduggery sighed and tilted valkyries chin up and kissed her.

'I love you too' valkyrie smiled when the kiss broke.

'of course, why else would we be on the top of a hill looking at a romantic sunset when im about to p-' skulduggery trailed off. Looking like he'd said too much.

'About to what?'

'Er…nothing.'

'skulduggery pleasant I swear…'

' nothing!'

' pleasant….'

' nothing!'

' pleasant…'

' ok, ok!' skulduggery got up on his knees and valkyrie did the same.

Skulduggery laughed to himself for a second.

' I cant believe im about to do this…' he muttered, but he sounded happy and excited. Also anxious.

He reached for something from his jeans pocket, and looked up at valkyrie.

And got onto one knee.

He looked like a sweet four year old at Christmas. His big puppy eyes pleading.

He opened a small red box, and inside lay a golden ring, with millions of little rainbow diamonds twisted together in a strange heart shape.

It sparkled in the remaining sunlight and looked even more beautiful against the violet sky background.

' valkyrie cain, crazy, beautiful, funny, _perfect_ woman of my life, will you marry me?' skulduggery asked.

He released the full force of his puppy eyes.

Valkyrie grinned, her eyes moist with tears.

Crazy? Well, he was right there…

Valkyrie threw her arms around skulduggerys neck and they both fell to the ground until valkyrie was ontop of him.

' of course I will you noob, I don't know why you even asked, you knew the answer' valkyrie murmered in his ear.

Skulduggery wrapped his arms around valkyries waist and laughed.

' its customary to ask if you want to marry me, first, darling' skulduggery said sarcastically.

Valkyrie grinned

'you should've known better' she scolded, and kissed skulduggery.

Later on, when they got home, tanith was squealing excitededly and clapping her hands. She obviously knew.

'OH MY GOD VAL! JESUS CHRIST IM HYPER!' tanith yelled, jumping at Valkyrie and hugging her so tightly, Valkyrie could hardly breathe.

' ow. Tanith. Having trouble breathing here!' valkyrie called

' right, sorry.' Tanith muttered, then squealed and hugged skulduggery instead

Skulduggery laughed

All of a sudden, two girls appeared in the hall, linked arms and randomly talking

Fletcher looked up from his super Mario smash brawl game and slapped his face.

'I agree with the banana man!' flaring yelled, pointing at skulduggery.

Skulduggery raised his eye brow and sighed

He turned to ghastly.

'I don't think you met this girl before' skulduggery sighed

'No, who is she?' ghastly said, eyeing flaring rhythm warily as she mouthed the words to don't trust me.

Her friend started bouncing a rubber cheese.

' this is flaring rhythm. We have no idea who she is or why she's usually here, but she is.'

'ah.'

'wheres your two friends?' skulduggery asked flaring.

Flaring looked up from her newspaper.

'Oh! The Lego lads! Druna and Shakra…er…sort of had too much Guinness last night, they're choosing your wedding music play list. Druna's offered to do the ceremony by the way. She got a license of the internet. They're sorry they can't be here to annoy you all, but they say thanks for all the fish.' Flaring said.

Skulduggery nodded slowly. Processing that all.

'Who's that?' tanith asked, pointing to the girl on flarings arm, bouncing the rubber cheese.

' oh! This is izzy. I accidentally wrote you two' flaring pointed at valkyrie and skulduggery 'into her fanfiction and I came to clear up my mess. I SWEAR to god I didn't steal her…' flaring said, putting her hands up defensivly

'Tsk.' Izzy said angrily. Examining her rubber cheese. 'So putting me in an oversized paper bag over my head, laughing insanely and gagging me with a liquorish bootlace _isn't_ stealing me? I beg to differ.'

'I beg to differ your beg to differ'

'I beg to differ your beg to differ to differ my beg'

'I beg to differ your beg to differ to differ my beg to beg, beg differ beg 'o' differ!' flaring yelled.

' alright'

'god dammit! Argue back!'

' never!'

Flaring sighed.

'I better go now, my good midnight turtles, but I'll be back, with my two lunatics, haza!' flaring yelled ' oh yeah, bye bitch' she smiled at Fletcher.

They started to walk towards the door

'Oh! By the way, congratulations on your hitching, or something.' Flaring said, slapping skulduggery on the back playfully and grinning at Valkyrie.

Valkyrie grinned back

'Oh! By the way! Does anybody have a large hammer…' izzy asked

When nobody answered, but stared instead, She looked at them all for a minuet, nodded to herself, muttered something, and followed flaring out the door.


	42. Eyes On Fire, Blue Foundation

Skulduggery's human.

God knows why…

Eyes on fire- blue foundation

' I don't understand this murder pattern' skulduggery sighed, flipping through a file.

He looked pretty pissed off.

Valkyrie, who was sprawled out on the sofa, waved her hand dismissively.

'Its just random patterns, skulduggery' she sighed rolling over on her side to face him. 'There isn't always a reason for everything'

'Yes there is, we just have to find it'

At that moment, there was a knock on the door.

Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie, who shrugged, and sat up.

'who the hell is that?' skulduggery thought out loud.

' dunno, who knows you live here apart from me, ghastly, and tanith?'

' nobody, c'mon' skulduggery said, getting up and going out into the hall.

It was a really, really rainy Thursday afternoon and valkyrie was tired.

She wandered into the hall after skulduggery.

He opened the door, and standing on the porch, was a little girl.

Skulduggery cocked his head to the side. He had no idea who she was.

She looked to be about four, with fair hair just past her shoulders. She was quite tall, for her age, and her skin was a beautiful pale colour

She was wearing black, ripped tights, pure white converse, and a short, ripped blue dress. She had a dark blue coat on over it and the hood was up.

She looked up at them with big eyes, a funny hazel colour. She smiled slightly below her hood.

'Are you skulduggery pleasant? And are you Valkyrie Cain?' she asked, in a northern Irish. Her voice was sweet, and soft.

'um….yes….who are you?' skulduggery's asked.

valkyrie looked at the little girl curiously.

There was something about her, no matter how sweet or beautiful or vulnerable she seemed, there was something about her which was old, odd, dangerous…almost scary.

Valkyrie, unthinkably, slid her hand into skulduggery's. He squeezed it reassuringly.

' I am precarious arc. Are you working on a case at the moment, involving the murder of 9 sorcerers?' precarious enquired

' yes, we are, why?' skulduggery asked

' I have obtained some information that may help you and miss cain in you investigation. But, I am afraid; It will require a trip to Belfast, in the north'

'I'll have to discuss It with my partner, would you like to come in?'

'no thank you, I am content out here'

'alright' skulduggery said, mildly confused. He left the door open, the sound of the rain drumming outside.

he and valkyrie walked into the living room. They sat down on the sofa

' well, she's weird' valkyrie commented

'that, she is. But she can help us. So we're going to Belfast.'

'so much for discussing…'

'sorry, but im older than you'

' im prettier'

'I beg to differ'

'likewise'

'shut up, my hairs prettier'

'you sound like fletcher'

' good GOD, no'

' I cant believe a random five year old came to our door and said we're going to Belfast and your agreeing! She's a creep!'

' suit yourself, but we're going'

' tsk.'

' I love you too' skulduggery muttered, getting up

Although he was being sarcastic, both their hearts did little flips.

They went out into the hall again. precarious was standing, facing them. A glare on her baby face.

'Just because I am unusually young, does not mean I am not worthy of being treated with the same level of respect. I am probably more capable then you, and definitely twice the intellect of him' she scowled at Valkyrie, pointing at skulduggery.

A smile cracked across valkyries face at skulduggery's expression

' oh. You heard me then.' Valkyrie said, blushing

'yes, I did, and I do not apprectiate your comments'

'sorry.'

'apology accepted' precarious handed skulduggery an egg shell white card from nowhere, with an address printed on it in old fashion hand writing, in black ink. 'This is the address, you will be staying here for six days, we will be meeting you here at 4.30 tomorrow afternoon. I look forward to you meeting again.' and with that, precarious gave a curt nod, a smile, pulled up her hood, and walked briskly down the driveway and turned left down the street.

Skulduggery nodded slowly, then turned to valkyrie, who was scowling after precarious, and he grinned.

' I think you where just told of by a four year old' skulduggery grinned, laughing inside his head

Instead of scowling, valkyrie turned to him, and her grin was wider then his own.

' and I think that same four year old, just claimed she has twice your IQ'

' shut up'

Somewhere else, three girls played poker, grinning.


	43. Eyes On Fire, Blue Foundation Part Two

Ok, uh…..skulduggery's some age between 17 and er….21. I'll let you decide among yourselves.

Keep signing my petition!

And oh yeah, val and skul are not a couple, but they're annoyingly crazy about each other.

Or something.

Eyes on fire- blue foundation- part 2

The ride down to Belfast was uneventful.

When they stopped at a set of traffic lights, flaring, and druna bounded over and tried to sell skulduggery a news paper. Shakra went round all the cars trying to sell them an unnaturally large mackerel.

Skulduggery held valkyries hand the whole way down, and he found new music interests in Paolo nutini and feist. He sang along most of the way

When he sang 'candy' he directed most of the lyrics at Valkyrie, flashing a grin at her.

_I know that they'res writings on the wall_

_But darling I'll bathe your skin_

_I'll even wash you clothes_

_Just give me some candy before you go_

_Oh darling I'll kiss your eyes, I'll lay you down on your rug_

_Just give me some candy, after my hug_

_Oh I'll be there waitin for you_

_Oh I'll be there waitin for you_

_Oh I'll be there waitin for you_

_Oh I'll be there waitin for you_

_Oh I'll be there waitin for you_

When they arrived, in front of a Victorian house with wooden beams on the outside, a girl of about fifteen with dark brown hair down to her shoulders, and eyes of the deepest blue was waiting for them on the porch step, under a cherry tree.

Her features where exactly the same as precarious', and she was wearing the same baby blue dress and black tights and white converse.

She smiled welcomingly, a little hyperactive

' hi!' she grinned when skulduggery and valkyrie got out of the car

'hello, is this the place then?' skulduggery asked, taking valkyries bag for her

' yep! Thank you so much for coming. Im sascious bright, I think my sister came so speak to you. Precarious arc?'

'Yes, she did.'

'Oh, good. Well, come this way, and I'll show you to your room, you both must be very tired'

'A little' skulduggery shrugged

Sascious danced down a corridor and stopped at a wooden door.

' k, this is your room then, I hope its comfortable, you and miss Cain will start tomorrow' sascious smiled, then danced down the corridor, humming to herself.

They stepped into the room, and skulduggery closed the door behind them,

The room was not too big, with dark uneven planks of wood on the floor, a dark wooden chest of drawers and to the side, a small four poster bed, with baby blue covers.

The room was very beautiful, and quite small, with a delicate theme of baby blue and dark brown wood.

There were no lights in the room, and it was nearly completely dark. The baby blue heavy fabric curtains were drawn

'Wow, this is a nice room' Valkyrie murmured, half to herself.

'I know' skulduggery murmured back. He set his and valkyrie's bags in the corner and yawned.

'What time is it?' Valkyrie asked

Skulduggery took his pocket watch out of his pocket.

Valkyrie smiled

He'd had that pocket watch for as long as she could remember.

'Its half eleven, wana go to bed?' skulduggery asked, but there was something different in his tone

Hopefulness?

' yeah' valkyrie smiled, yawning herself.

She looked at the bed

' so, uh, whose sleeping where?' she asked

'im not sure if you find this obvious or not, but on the bed, valkyrie' skulduggery smiled, amusement in his tone

' both of us? on the one bed?'

' yep, oh we'll manage' skulduggery grinned flopping onto the bed

Valkyrie climbed on too

'Im too tired to change' she laughed

'Same' skulduggery sighed happily

Valkyrie turned to him, to see he was turned to her too. The bed was so small with two people on it.

Valkyrie laughed

'That was funny at the traffic lights today' she giggled

Skulduggery laughed too

'I can't believe they tried to sell me a newspaper they made themselves'

'Good marketing scam'

' Mmm, that was I was thinking too. You'd make a good thief.'

Valkyrie laughed

Skulduggery moved a little closer to her.

' what WERE you thinking, really?' valkyrie asked, her voice quiet, not wanting to break the calming silence too much

Skulduggery smiled softly

He cupped his hand to valkyries face, using his thumb to brush over her cheek affectionately.

'I'm thinking about you' he murmured, just as quiet.

'Oh'

'What are you thinking about?'

'You' Valkyrie smiled, brushing her hand over skulduggery's cheek and playing with his reddish brown hair absently.

Skulduggery grinned and Valkyrie moved even closer to skulduggery.

'Your going to fall of the bed in a minuet' skulduggery commented, grinning amused.

'I know I am' Valkyrie ginned back

Without warning, skulduggery pulled Valkyrie on top of him. Valkyrie smiled, stunned

'I'd like to see you fall off now' skulduggery smirked at valkyries surprised face.

'Oh, I'll find a way, I always do. Remember that time tanith took me out clubbing?'

'Don't remind me. I swear to god you rolled of that bed more than 70 times. '

They both laughed, and then the room became very quiet, and Valkyrie realised how close she was to skulduggery's face.

Skulduggery brought one of his hands gently round to the back of her head and brushed his hand through her hair.

Valkyrie shuddered slightly at the feeling and leaned into him

The only sound in the room was there breathing.

Skulduggery ran his lips softly down valkyries neck and lightly on her jaw.

Valkyrie moaned softly locking her hands into skulduggery's hair. She rolled of skulduggery's chest and curled into the side of him.

'Sweet dreams, valkyrie' skulduggery whispered into her ear

'Sweet dreams' Valkyrie whispered back, locking her fingers into skulduggery's

Somewhere else, Shakra flame tried to sell a mackerel.


	44. Eyes On Fire, Blue Foundation Part Three

This is M, children, so behave.

I SWEAR there's a plot in here somewhere….

Eyes on fire- blue foundation- part three or something

Valkyrie woke up early the next morning and the first thing she noted was that skulduggery was not there.

She opened her eyes and saw him getting dressed near the dark brown chest of drawers.

She stretched

'hi' she mumbled, tired

'good morning!' skulduggery said brightly ' are you going to get up or are you going to lie there all day?'

'tempting…' valkyrie murmured to herself.

She threw the covers of herself and got up. She was still in her jeans and hoodie from yesterday

Skulduggery walked over to her and enveloped her in a hug.

'What time is it?' Valkyrie asked

'I don't give a crap, to be honest, I want to go to bed' skulduggery murmured into valkyries ear 'we can, you know'

'No we cant, sascious said we have to go out and investigate, remember?'

Skulduggery took a post-it from the chest of drawers and handed it to her.

'this was on the outside of our door this morning' skulduggery said

Valkyrie read it

_Mr and Mrs pleasant, _

Valkyrie blushed furiously

_We will be able to be here today, we will be back at midnight tonight. _

_We will continue our business tonight._

_You have the house to yourselves. _

_Regards, _

_Precarious arc_

Valkyrie smiled,

'She called us mr and mrs' she smiled

' I know, weird huh?' skulduggery said, blushing himself, but more amused

' so…so…we have the house…..to ourselves'

'yes, I suppose we do'

' so…do you want to go out somewhere…or?....'

Skulduggery parted the curtains a little and peered out. It was nearly pitch black and pouring with rain.

'I think going somewhere is out' skulduggery said, nearly grateful

' oh, that's ok, I guess we could stay in'

'yeah, we could…..sleep' skulduggery said, not at all awkward, just sly. And amused. Which would piss valkyrie off any other day

' im going to go back to bed for an hour or two….you…..can come too….if you want….' He said slowly. Skulduggery pleasant was good at most things….ok, everything. But dropping hints? Nah.

Valkyrie understood anyway. She smiled and yawned

'I think I _will_ come too' valkyrie smiled

Skulduggery grinned back, blushing madly.

He slowly wrapped his arms around valkyries waist and leaned in and brushed his lips against her neck and jaw and chest.

Valkyrie wrapped her arms around neck and locked her hands in his hair again

Then skulduggery leaned in and kissed her full on the lips for the first time.

Valkyrie felt an electric shock run down her spine. She smiled

Skulduggery smiled too. He kissed her again and she kissed him back. The only sound was their lips moving against each others.

Valkyrie slid one of her arms down skulduggery's chest and unbuttoned his shirt

Skulduggery shrugged out of it and pulled valkyries hoodie of.

Valkyrie unbuckled skulduggery's belt off. And skulduggery pulled of valkyries t-shirt.

Skulduggery kissed valkyrie again

She laughed

' I cant belive im doing this' she smiled against skulduggerys lips

Skulduggery stopped kissing her

He looked at her

' do you not want to?' he asked softly

'no! no! I mean, I cant believe im doing this as in, I just…cant believe im doing this with you'

'…in a good or bad way?'

Valkyrie laughed

' in a good way, moron'

Skulduggery smiled and kissed her again.

Valkyrie kicked of her jeans and skulduggery kicked of his trousers (pants, for those of you in the u.s.a….)

They fell onto the bed, Skulduggery on top of Valkyrie.

He started to kiss her neck and Valkyrie moaned softly

They, somehow, got the covers up around them (don't ask me, I take the piss out of them, not ask him how they get under the covers…*or do I?*)

They kicked the rest of their underwear of (again, don't ask)

Skulduggery rolled onto valkyrie and kissed her again.

' you see if Fletcher finds about this…' valkyrie muttered thoughtfully as skulduggery kissed her neck.

'mmm' skulduggery murmured

Which probably meant

'he's going to bloody freaking _kill _me'

Skulduggery moved back to valkyries lips again and valkyrie smiled, locking her hands into skulduggery's hair

_Meh. im having sex with skulduggery pleasant. Who gives a crap! _She thought happily

Skulduggery laughed against her lips like he'd heard her.

Somewhere else, Shakra flame swore violently


	45. Eyes On Fire, Blue Foundation Part Four

I understand that my last chapter may have broken the REAL Shakra flame to a certain extent. So, to add extra emphasis, SNAPE AND HERMIONIE IN A HOT TUB! There. My last chapter was just a little M to keep you going until my new M story.

Ok, deal is, you keep writing your fanfic people, and I'll keep writing mine

Wonderful.

Eyes on fire- part 4

Valkyrie woke up, a little after 11:50 pm

She smiled, as the memories came back to her.

Skulduggery wrapped his arms around valkyrie waist and pulled her even closer ( I don't know if that's even possible….)

' you do realise everyone'll be home in ten minuets?' skulduggery asked

' shit!' valkyrie nearly yelped. She jumped out of bed and started putting on her clothes

Skulduggery lay on the bed and laughed at her

He casually got up and put on a shirt and jeans

Valkyrie was busy rushing round the room searching for her t-shirt.

She fell over a rubber duck and tripped.

'Owwww' she moaned from the floor

Skulduggery stared at her for a moment, shocked and then roared with laughter.

'Shut up' valkyrie growled, getting up and rubbing her head angrily.

Skulduggery picked up the yellow evilly smiling rubber duck and turned it over. Someone had written on the back of it. It was a long, long note.

_Right, I've nearly had it. Damn right im swearing violently! I cant TAKE your bloody valduggery! So this is a little evil something to piss you both of for that breaking, breaking, valduggery. _

_Flaring has a LOT to answer to…_

_From the one who shuns your sex, _

_Shakra flame_

_p.s_

_shuuuuuuuuuun_

valkyrie nodded slowly.

'valduggery? That's and awesome name' skulduggery commented

Valkyrie rolled her eyes

At exactly 12 midnight, the front door creaked open and a scuffle of shoes filled the house.

They were home.

Valkyrie and skulduggery went downstairs. Precarious was standing at the bottom step, waiting for them. A small smile crept across her face.

She found something amusing.

' miss cain, mr pleasant, nice to meet you again, if youd like to come this way, we'll tell you of our findings' precarious said, leadaing them down a narrow, dark corridor.

Valkyrie observed her.

Precarious seemed a little taller and thinner today. Her face seemed slightly older, and her hair slightly longer. He voice was definitely deeper, rougher.

Precarious opened a trap door and they all climbed down and In.

It was quite dark, except for two gas lamps. Four people sat around a large rectangular shaped table. They all looked to be from the ages 16 to a5. Very young. They all seemed quite friendly, but a little strange.

' mr pleasant, miss cain, I would like to meet aracshious guffaw, annabell ash, farrow bloom, josh warned, and I presume you've met sascious bright' precarious said.

One of the young men, with blond hair and dark blue eyes, tanned skin, and a tall frame, got up and shook valkyrie and skulduggerys hands.

He wore a black robe over jeans and a light blue polo shirt.

' josh warned, at your service' he smiled

' thank you' skulduggery said 'its nice to meet you'

'we have some things to show you mr pleasant, if youd like to come with us 'said the man, who precarious had said was farrow bloom

' of course' skulduggery said

' valkyrie can stay here with precarious' Josh said, motioning to precarious who was sitting with her feet on the table, fiddling with he dress, looking pretty bored.

josh smiled at valkyrie then all the men got up and walked out of the room, leaving valkyrie with precarious.

Once valkyrie heard the door snap shut, precarious spoke

'sit down' she said, motioning to a chair opposite her 'please'

Valkyrie grabbed a chair and sat down

Precarious pulled her hood down and she had a wide amused smile on her face.

' so, what did you and mr pleasant do while we where away? Did you find any information?' precarious asked, trying not to laugh and act casual.

'…..er….we, uh…..didnt find anything'

'well, why not?'

'……….um, we didn't go out?' valkyrie tried

' well, I suppose you would've found something if you did' precarious sighed, her smile widening 'that is…….if you hadn't spent the day having sex' she added boldly.

Valkyrie felt colour rush to her face like Fletcher rushing to watch pokemon.

'I!did!not!' she protested

' im not stupid, valkyrie, I saw'

' what the hell! You where in the room?!'

'no, but…I can see things. Sometimes, things just randomly come into my head, things which are happening at that moment or things that are going to happen. It looks like reading a book. Like, in my mind it looks like it is written in a book, so I saw you two'

' I don't understand'

' its hard to explain, I see a book in my mind, and it looks like the future is written in writing, in a book'

_Or on a fanfiction website _the author thought from the corner.

' that's….weird' valkyrie commented

'it is'

Just then, the men came back in. skulduggery was looking confused.

'so….you say these people…were all part of a clan who fought against evil, but if any of them were revealed to the mortal world, they would be killed by…leaders?' skulduggery asked

' yes' farrow said ' that is what I am implying'

Farrow reminded valkyrie of mr bliss. his eyes like the calm before the storm.

Valkyrie was confused. What were they talking about?

Skulduggery looked at valkyries confused expression and explained

' farrow says that the people who were murdered are part of a clan, a clan that sort of….fights the bad guys, but this…clan, have rulers'

'So…what? The bad guys are killing this clan?' Valkyrie asked

'No, the clans leaders have rules. And they state that this clan mustn't reveal themselves to the mortal world, or the leaders will kill them, so we think they must accidentally or purposely reveal themselves'

'Purposely? Why would you do it purposely?'

'I don't know, maybe to show of? Maybe to seem cool or something? Nobody knows. But all we know is that we have to convince them to break up this little clan so there'll be no more murders'

' which could be tricky' josh injected ' because we don't know where they are exactly, just that they're in northern Ireland'

' ah' valkyrie said

'which means we need to go out and do some research' skulduggery said, standing up.

'to the research room!' josh yelled, pointing dramatically towards the door

'we don't have a research room, Joshua' precarious sighed, pulling her hood up, again

'Oh, yeah, your right. Sorry' josh muttered

' Im always right, remember that joshua'

' sure sure' josh muttered, slumping into a chair

'I think I can help with your investigations, my good cheese toasties' the author said, getting up from the corner. She'd had enough of singing panic! At the disco songs in her head

' flaring?' skulduggery asked in disbelief

' tis i!' flaring yelled

' what are you doing here? and wheres shakra and druna?'

' I trust you got the rubber duck' flaring said, ignoring skulduggery completely

Skulduggery pouted like a five year old

'Flaring, why are you here, and where are the others?' skulduggery asked again

'AH! Shakra and druna! They are stalking 'the clan'' flaring said, using her fingers as inverted commas

' why are they following them?' valkyrie asked

'Because all three of us don't fit in a corner, do we? Besides, they need their fair share of stalking, I mean, stalking jasper Cullen is HARDLY rewarding, is it? Especially when you have to be at least 70 miles away from him so he doesn't hear…'

' um…' was all skulduggery said

Josh, however, spoke right ahead, as if he'd known flaring for years

' you can help us?' he asked

' aye'

'and you will?'

'aye'

' do you know their whereabouts'

'aye'

' can you take us to them'

'ay- no'. flaring said sheepishly 'does anybody have a Fletcher renn handy?' she added loudly to everyone

Precarious pursed her lips

' mr pleasant, can you contact fletcher renn?'

' yes, I think so' skulduggery said, wondering how she knew about fletcher

He got out his mobile and dialled a number

Fletchers POV thing

Fletcher sat, with his nose up against the tv screen, watching pokemon. his phone rang

'hello?' he asked, his eyes glued to the screen

' renn, its skulduggery, we need your help'

'really? Are you sure your sober?

Back in the north, everyone snickered at Fletchers comment.

Skulduggery regretted putting it on loudspeaker

' yes im sober' skulduggery snapped ' we need you to teleport here, then teleport us somewhere, ok?'

Fletcher sighed

' alright, im not sure I can stick these two any longer anyway'

Skulduggery paused

' tanith and ghastly?' skulduggery asked

' no, Shakra and druna'

' I thought they were stalking the clan' flaring said down the phone

'they are…uh…what you said, but they called the house phone and are leaving a very creepy message and I don't know how to turn it off!' fletcher yelled frustrated

Flaring snickered

In the background, everyone could hear two people talking

'we hear you renn! Now give us heather mcartneys plastc leg and we'll leave you be!' shakra yelled

' but your on the phone!' fletcher yelled back at the house phone

' I know that, my dear moorhen, but you can still give us the plastic leg!'

'and barrack obamas morning egg!' druna yelled

They paused and started chanting

' heather mcartney heather mcartney heather mcartneys plasatic leg! Barrack obama barrack obama barrack obamas moring egg!'

'shut up!' fletcher yelled, then the line went dead

Northern Irelands POV thing…

There was a dead silence, and josh was trying not to burst into laughter

' i….think and answer machine just killed your friend' precarious commented, a little stunned

Josh cracked, and roared with laughter.


	46. Eyes On Fire, Blue Foundation Part Five

Sorry this is taking too long, this is the lat chapter of eyes on fire, I SWEAR.

Fuck.

See?

Im wonderful.

This is the last chapter and then the chapter after this is a continue but with a different song title…and…..stuff…

Eyes on fire 5- blue foundation

Fletcher appeared in valkyries lap about five minuets after josh had finished laughing.

'FLETCHER RENN GET OFF MY KNEE RIGHT NOW!' valkyrie yelled, shoving fletcher of her knee

He landed on the floor with a yelp.

Skulduggery dialled drunas phone

' look officer, I swear to go I'd never seen that pigeon in my LIFE' shakra said down the other end of the phone

' what? Shakra, im not the police, its skulduggery'

' Ohhhhhh. Er, pigeon? I didn't say anything about a pigeon. You cant prove anything!'

' shut up, Shakra, we need you to take a photo of where you are now and send it to us so Fletcher can teleport us there. Alright?'

'yes indeedy neighbourooney!' Shakra said, then the line went dead

Four minuets later, a photo came through in a text entitled 'what pigeon?' it was a photo of a large old school building, with druna doing the peace sign in the corner of the shot.

Valkyrie, skulduggery, precarious, and josh teleported and shakra flame squealed from underneath Fletcher.

'Excuse me renn! But your ass is on my neck!' Shakra screeched

'sorry! Sorry!' fletcher apologised, scrambling up

Shakra glared.

'right' skulduggery said, rubbing his hands together and looking about ' where are they?'

' over there' shakra said, pointing behind her.

' oh. That was simple' josh said, and broke into a sprint after them.

They all stood still, and didn't run

Josh stopped, when he was nose to nose with the tallest girl. She had ginger curly hair and sharp features.

' what do you want' she snapped in an English accent, like fletchers

' we want you to shut down your little group' josh said, getting to the point

' oh, why?'

' because your getting killed! Plus, these two and their friends have it handled' josh said, pointing to valkyrie and skulduggery

' well, I suppose we've lost…too many people' she said, looking at the four at her flanks.

They all nodded

' ok' she shrugged

Josh blinked spastically

'really? No…no f-fight or anything? You just AGREED?'

' yep, that a problem? I mean, we'll fight, if you want to, but theres not much point or anything. Right?'

'er…right'

' great, see you guys around, eh?' she smiled, then turned and walked of

Josh blinked some more.

' well, now that's sorted' skulduggery said brightly, taking valkyrie waist

' that…was….weird' valkyrie said, stunned

'I know, but hey, it was good, wasn't it?'

'Yes, I…um…guess so.' Valkyrie said

They heard Fletcher behind them

'Hey, josh, you have NO idea how spastic you looked there' Fletcher giggled like a five year old

Josh hit him

On the way home, in the Bentley, skulduggery sang Paolo nutini again, grinning at Valkyrie. Valkyrie grinned back, taking his hand.

It was so small, and so suttle, but Valkyrie still felt it. She put her hand lightly to her stomach, and felt the small nudge.

This- could not be good

Somewhere else, Shakra flame read this, swore over the authors shoulder.


	47. Secret, Maroon 5

Secret- maroon 5

Valkyrie sat at the sofa at home, completely quiet.

How was she going to tell skulduggery?

How was she going to tell kenspeckle?

What was she going to do?

Shit.

Fletcher came in, eating a random panini and sat down beside her.

He looked at her hands on her stomach, and raised his eyebrow

'…valkyrie? Is there something you're not telling me?' he asked, completely serious and adult like.

Valkyrie threw her arms around him and groaned helplessly

' fletcher, what am I going to do!' valkyrie wailed into fletchers shoulder

' er….getting of me would be a start' fletcher said

'good idea'

Valkyrie sat back on the sofa and looked at him with sad eyes

'can you keep a secret?' she whispered

'yes'

'are you sure?'

' don't worry! Im pretty.'

' fletcher, being _pretty _doesn't help the situation'

'or does it?...'

'no.'

'ah'

' fletcher renn, if I tell you this, you must not say a word, alright?'

'… look! A flying duck!'

' Fletcher…'

'yes?'

'Flying ducks are common, you know'

'not in your living room they're not'

' stop changing the subject'

'sorry'

'Fletcher… I cant keep this a secret any more so im telling you before I tell skulduggery'

'yes…?'

' im…im pregnant'

' holy. Shit.'

' fletcher!'

'sorry! But seriously! Holy shit!'

'I know, what am I going to do?!'

' well, do you want to keep it?'

' i…well….yes' valkyrie sighed, her hands hovering over her stomach protectively for a second

' so whats the problem?'

' what if skulduggery takes it bad?'

' I don't think he will'

' he will!'

'he loves you too much valkyrie'

Valkyrie looked at him desparately for a second, then sighed

' Christ! I'll tell him, you stupid bitch' valkyrie snapped

Fletcher grinned after her

Skulduggery was in the kitchen, playing with fletchers Nintendo DS

' skulduggery'

'tis I'

' I have….have something to tell you'

Skulduggery closed down the screen and stood up, he took valkyries hand.

' yeah?' he asked

Valkyrie sighed, biting her lip

' i…im…uh…'

' any time today, valkyrie' skulduggery smiled

' impregnantbutpleasedontbemad' valkyrie rushed out

Skulduggery looked at her

_She's pregnant? I get another child? Another chance? _Skulduggery thought in disbelief.

He smiled widely, grinning. Valkyrie could see pure happiness In his eyes

He wrapped his arms lightly around valkyries waist and kissed her softly

Valkyrie smiled at him, leaning her head on his chest.

' I guess your ok with it then?' valkyrie smiled

'yes…yes I am' skulduggery said softly, proudness clear in his voice.

Somewhere else, druna malgood banged her head of a desk…


	48. Leave Out All The Rest, Linkin Park

This is a continue of 'secret' !!!!!!!!!!!!

You can now make as much song requests as you like! And plots too!

The one with a banjo,

Flaring

xo

Leave out all the rest- linkin park

' ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap' valkyrie yelled inside her too messed up head.

'I swear your screaming so loud, Valkyrie' Fletcher said, sitting on the couch in Gordon's study, fidgeting with his suit

' I was screaming out loud?'

'no, but im pretty sure your screaming so loud in your head, I can nearly hear you'

'….shut up'

'Your nervous'

'Am not!'

'You are.'

'Not!'

Fletcher sighed, and valkyrie stuck out her tongue.

' your acting like a five year old'

'am not!'

' you are valkyrie.'

Valkyrie sighed, and leaned against the wall, rubbing her head.

'I am' she said quietly ' i cant believe im about to do this'

'Do you want to?' Fletcher sounded a little hopeful she's say hell no

'Yes, I really, really want to, im in love with him too much to describe, but, I just don't want all those eyes on me.' Valkyrie mumbled the last bit.

'Just go for it, you look beautiful, stunning. Go out there and marry your bloody skeleton.' Fletcher said, complete with elaborate hand movements

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow

' hes a human again, fletcher'

' I know, but skeleton sounds better'

Valkyrie rolled her eyes

'Well, I'll leave you now, I better go try stop tanith from squealing when you walk down the isle' Fletcher sighed

'Yayyyy.' Valkyrie said sarcastically

'See you later Val, you look beautiful, just don't kiss skul for TOO long, Im not sure how much of that I can bare'

Valkyrie smiled, but then frowned sadly

'I really need a hug' she mumbled

Fletcher moved to hug her but she stepped away.

'not you. Skulduggery' valkyrie said

Fletchers bottom lip jutted out and he looked at her with puppy eyes

' maybe I'll take that hug' valkyrie mumbled and fletcher enveloped her in a hug

' im going to miss being free' valkyrie sighed into fletchers shoulder

'free?'

'Meaning I wont be able to mess about without being classified as childish.'

'Valkyrie, first of all, you ARE childish. And beautiful, and funny, and intelligent, and just because you have a ring on your finger, doesn't change that. And second of all, the only thing it does change is that you are tied to that man for the rest of your god damned too dammed long life, so I cant try and feel you up any more'

'EXCUSE ME?'

' joking! Joking!'

'you better be'

' well, im going now' fletcher sighed, breaking the hug 'good luck, babe'

' thanks'

' I'll talk to you later, eh?'

' fletcher'

' I cant do this'

'right, if you don't go out there, and marry that god damned man with an ego the size of a bus and prettier hair than me, I will kill you' Fletcher said, shaking valkyries shoulders

'fletcher?'

'wah?'

' I love you'

' ah, Ive waited so long for you to say that'

' as a brother you douche.'

'Sorry.' Fletcher muttered and walked out the door. He flashed her his cocky grin.

Two minuets later, there was a knock on the door

' who is it?' valkyrie asked

'Its…me. Its skulduggery, can I PLEEEEASE come in?'

' your not allowed to see me in my wedding dress' valkyrie said, teasing with him

Skulduggery moaned softly

' please valkyrie, this is the time when I most need confidence and its not exactly doing any good if I cant see you one final time. Pleeeeease! You can put on a dressing gown or something'

' fine, hang on' valkyrie laughed, reaching a bath robe from the back of the door.

She pulled it on and then opened the door

Skulduggery took her straight into his arms, kissed her and kicked the door closed behind him.

Valkyrie moaned softly

' you look beautiful' skulduggery smiled, wrapping his arms around her waist.

' I know, you look amazing. I'd say much more, but I don't want your ego any bigger'

Skulduggery laughed and kissed valkyrie again

'Skulduggery Phyllis pleasant if you're in there, im going to kill you! If your kissing her, im going to rise you from the dead again, and then kill you again!' tanith yelled from the other side of the door

Skulduggery rolled his eyes and broke the kiss

' I love you, just remember that, and leave out all the rest. Its just _us_'

' I love you too' valkyrie whispered, and kissed him again

'Pleasant…' tanith growled

'Coming! Coming!' skulduggery said, opening the door and stepping out. He winked at valkyrie and then closed the door behind him

' my middle name isn't Phyllis' she heard skulduggery protesting

' I know, but it sounds awesome' tanith said happily

Skulduggery sighed

'now go wait for yer wife' tanith ordered

Valkyrie heard skulduggery mutter to himself and then tanith bounded up the corridor to her

She burst through the door and squealed

' c'mon val! Your getting married!'

'don't remind me'

tanith laughed, and handed valkyrie her bouquet

she took valkyrie arms and lead her down the hall of gordons mansion

' oh wait! I forgot one thing! Wait outside tanith!' valkyrie smiled, darting back to the study

She opened the secret room and echo Gordon flickered up from nothing

' ah bless, the nutters getting married' Gordon sighed

Valkyrie scowled playfully then smiled

' so glad your so happy for me'

' I really am, kid, just remember that, and you look wonderful, my dear, now go marry that man!'

Gordon pointed dramatically towards the garden, where everyone was waiting.

Valkyrie rolled her eyes, and stepped out of the room

'You look beautiful, my darling!' Gordon called after her. She turned round and flashed him a smile

The garden was beautifully decorated, flowers everywhere, everyone dressed so nice. Fletcher, standing beside skulduggery, as one of the best men, teasing him and ghastly about something

The damned music started up and ghastly went to take valkyries arm

Skulduggery winked at her again and she winked back

' you look gorgeous' skulduggery whispered once she was face to face with him

' yes. Yes I do' valkyrie smiled

Skulduggery grinned and took valkyrie hands

It was only then, valkyrie noticed flaring, druna, and shakra in the front row, grinning, amused.

They were dressed like ring masters with white silk gloves, red tail coats and black top hats

Valkyrie giggled

Valkyrie didn't really listen to the vows. She was sure she would turn and sprint away if she really listened to them.

She loved skulduggery with her whole existence and she would risk ANYTHING to be with him. She'd do anything to be with him.

But vows?

Scary.

She felt skulduggery slip the ring on her finger and she looked up at him through her eye lashes and smiled.

He grinned back

She put the ring on his finger too and then shut out again, just watching skulduggery's face. He was watching her too.

DON'T LISTEN TO THESE VOWS MAN, YOU DON'T WANT TO GO HEAD FIRST DOWN THAT ISLE NOW, DO YOU? Inner skulduggery thought

Skulduggery agreed. For once.

Valkyrie zoned back in when the words came

'I do' skulduggery said, looking deep into valkyries eyes

The minister asked the question again.

It was only then she realised he had called her valkyrie cain.

' I do' valkyrie smiled, looking at skulduggerys expression of sheer happiness

She couldn't help grinning

'Then, you may now kiss the bride' the minister smiled to skulduggery

Skulduggery enthusiastically wrapped his arms around valkyries waist and leaned in, kissed her, and held his lips to hers.

Valkyrie threw her arms around skulduggery's shoulders and grinned against his lips

She glimpsed Shakra flame slap her gloved hand over her eyes.

Skulduggery broke the kiss and pulled valkyrie into a hug.

Tanith bounded up and jumped into valkyries arms.

'ARGHHHHHHHH! Your married! Woo!' tanith squealed

Valkyrie smiled

'yes…I suppose I am' she smiled and skulduggery turned and kissed her again.

Shakra flame slapped her hands over her eyes.


	49. Slow Life, Grizzly Bear

Er…Fletcher is at valkyries school. Why? Because I said so. So there.

Slow life- grizzly bear

Fletcher was nearly asleep. His right hand was supporting his head, and he was trying not to close his eyes.

He finally gave in and closed them, drifting of. Valkyrie watched him with great amusement

_Fall fall fall _ valkyrie thought

_Fall fall fall _ flaring rhythm thought, also watching fletcher

_Fall fall fall _ druna thought

_How does one get liam to give you a piggy back…? _Shakra thought

Fletchers elbow, the one that was supporting his head, slowly slipped forward.

Everyone waited in anticipation, even mr banerman.

Then fletchers elbow skidded forward and fletchers head smacked onto the table.

'shit!' Fletcher yelled, dazed

Everyone roared with laughter.

Home economics wasn't much better either

Mrs morris, a grumpy old git who had an obsession with getting cooking apples precisely the right thinckness, stood at the front of the classroom, looking down her glasses as everyone made apple crumbles.

' er…miss? Should my apples be red?' fletcher asked

'well of course they should be red! The skin is always either red, yellow, or green!' mrs morris snapped

' but…er ive pealed them, miss'

Everyone turned to see the inside of fletchers apples, bright red.

Flaring, druna, and shakra, stifled giggles.

Flaring pushed the food colouring further into her pocket.

'mmm, mine smells awesome' druna commented

' yes, well, so does mine' Fletcher said casually 'Pitty its bloody RED!' he yelled angrily

The three girls erupted into laughter and valkyrie joined in. she'd never loved school so much in her life.

Actually, she'd never loved school at all.

Fletcher sat in the canteen scowling.

' sorry for throwing that text book at you, fletcher. Really.' Valkyrie attempeted

Fletcher said nothing.

'if it helps…it was really funny?' valkyrie tried again

The three girls burst out laughing again

' shut up! I hate all THREE of you! I mean, what the hell!?!? Telling mrs morris that I said she has 'nice buns!?'. was that fair?!'

Flaring nodded, ashamed.

The moment fletcher turned away flaring clapped her hands over her mouth, trying not to laugh. Everyone snickered quietly.

Valkyrie looked at her water bottle and read out loud what it said, randomly

' pure irish water' she read of the label

'spit it out!' fletcher grinned

' don't insult our water' valkyrie scowled

Fletcher shrugged and took a drink of his sprite

Just at that perfect timing, shakra walked past him and patted his back 'lightly' *tsk*

Fletcher choked and spat out his sprite everywhere. It ended up on the headmasters head.

'ah! You spat on the velvet slug!' shakra yelled 'scramble'

' like eggs!' druna added, getting up quickly and sprinting away with valkyrie, flaring, and a giggling Shakra.

' renn, my office. Now.' Mr dickson said

Fletcher whimpered

On the way home, valkyrie was trying not to laugh and fletcher was staring straight ahead, scowling so incredibly angryily.

' so!' skulduggery perked up ' how was school, then?'

Valkyrie roared with laughter.


	50. In The Dark, Dead Roses

In the night- dead roses

Valkyrie stuck the key in the lock and opened the door.

The house was dark so she flicked on a small table light as the alarm beeped insistently.

She entered the code and the beeping stopped.

Skulduggery stepped into the house and shut the door behind him

Their relationship, skulduggery noted, had changed a lot over the past five or so years. Once, when Valkyrie was just a little twelve year old, they had been good friends, annoying the hell out of each other and showing off. After a while, they became extremely close, still annoying each other, and still showing off, but starting to show feelings as well, feelings for each other. Now, they were just like twins. Same personality, same humour, same thoughts. But they were madly in love with each other. Although they wouldn't admit it.

Valkyrie fought back a yawn as she shrugged out of her coat.

'You look tired' skulduggery commented, although he sounded strangely nervous for some reason.

He shrugged out of his coat too.

'I'll get a shower and I'll be fine- I can't sleep now anyway- we've got a case to work on don't we?' Valkyrie said, dropping her coat on the floor and kicking of her boots

'Indeed we do' skulduggery agreed, hanging his coat up

'You know, this is the first case we've had in ages' Valkyrie grinned, going up the stairs

' oh I don't know, maybe something to do with everyone knowing we heroically defeated the faceless ones so they're all scared to commit any sort of crime because they're clearly no match for wonderful _moi_' skulduggery shrugged

'or maybe they found out a certain someone got sucked into a portal with a bunch of faceless ones and is worried if they meet you they might die laughing' valkyrie grinned

'Oh, you're going to pay for that' skulduggery laughed, and chased Valkyrie up the stairs

She screamed, laughing, as skulduggery caught up with her at the top of the stairs

Valkyrie darted into the bathroom, skulduggery on her tail.

She jumped into the shower, still fully clothed, except for her shoes, socks, and coat, and shut the door behind her

'Ha! You can't get me now!' Valkyrie laughed, holding the shower door closed.

Skulduggery cocked his skull to the side playfully.

'Valkyrie, when has a_ door_ ever stopped me?' he asked menacingly

'Don't dare blast down that door' she threatened

'Oh, I wont' skulduggery said evilly

And with that, he wrenched open the door, and climbed in

Valkyrie yelped, trying to get out, but her giggling got the better of her, and to top that all off, skulduggery began tickling her

She squealed and skulduggery laughed amused

'Please……stop……..I …..Swear…I'll... kill……you!' Valkyrie gasped between gusts of laughter

Skulduggery continued tickling her, but wrapped one of his arms around her waist to stop her from trying to run for it

'Im not giving you back' he murmured in her ear

Valkyrie squirmed and her hand hit a leaver.

The both yelped as the water started to flow out of the shower

Laughing, they tried to turn the water off, but only made it warm

It felt nice, even though showers are generally more relaxing when you're not standing in you clothes being tickled by a skeleton

Skulduggery stopped tickling her and valkyrie turned round to face him

She had no freaking idea what she was doing but she wanted to.

She stretched up on her tip toes, wrapped her arms around skulduggery neck, and kissed him .

He wrapped his arms around valkyrie waist, a reaction valkyrie wasn't expecting.

She shrugged.

She was in the shower, late at night, fully clothed, kissing a 400 year old skeleton.

Meh.

She loved him.

Somewhere else, Shakra flame was sacrificing a tourist.


	51. Brighter, Paramore

Brighter- paramore

Flashback

'I found it! I found it!' Valkyrie yelled, tears spilling down her cheeks

'Oh my god! Ghastly! Val found it! She found the skull!' tanith yelled

' Fletcher! Come on! Lets get out of here!' ghastly yelled, grabbing valkyrie and taniths hands and dragging them through the collapsed cave to fletcher who was leaning against a rock playing a Nintendo DS.

Fletcher looked up, and grabbed ghastlys arm and they teleported.

End flashback

Fletcher got on his hands and knees and placed his hands on the skull.

He closed his eyes.

Valkyrie stood in the middle of the field, her hands and knees shaking, and she looked at the portal ring, opening wider and wider.

'Come on, come on' Valkyrie whispered, fresh tears in her eyes. This HAD to work.

Then she saw a figure, sprinting, towards the entrance of the portal.

The figure dived through and came up in a roll

'Owwww' he moaned

The man wasn't a skeleton, but a person, flesh and blood. He had reddish brown hair and hazel eyes. His skin was pale, and he had rosy cheeks. He was GORGEOUS.

WELL, THIS IS AN IMPROVEMENT MY MAN. The figures voice thought

'w-who is that' tanith stammered

'its skulduggery' ghastly grinned

'Skulduggery!' Valkyrie yelled, grinning

'Tis my wonderful self' skulduggery grinned, from the other end of the field.

Valkyrie sprinted towards skulduggery, and skulduggery sprinted towards her and they enveloped each other in a hug.

Fletcher rolled onto his back and groaned.

' Sure, no hugs for the pretty one then' he muttered

Tanith rolled her eyes and helped Fletcher up

'I missed you so much' Valkyrie mumbled into skulduggery's chest

'You have no idea how much I missed your insults' skulduggery sighed happily, pulling valkyrie closer.

Valkyrie punched his arm lightly.

Then she pulled away, still holding skulduggery's hand, and scowled.

'Skulduggery pleasant, if you EVER, EVER leave me EVER again, I will personally hit you VERY VERY hard. Do you understand?'

'Yes ma'm'

'Wonderful' Valkyrie grinned

Without warning skulduggery pulled Valkyrie to him and kissed her.

Everyone stared for a minuet.

Well, Valkyrie thought to herself, im kissing a 400 year old guy, who I NEVER expected I'd be in a relationship with.

Valkyrie smiled and wrapped her arms round skulduggerys neck.

Skudluggery wrapped his arms around her waist.

Ah well.

In a dark room containing only a lave lamp, Shakra flame played a banjo.


	52. Rainbow, Battles

Rainbow- battles

Red- watching her red blood spill out of her soft skin- was more unnerving than being in a room with a _very_, very hungry dog.

Yellow- they lay in the field, just holding hands, not talking, in the field of yellow sun flowers.

Pink- he loved the way her cheeks blushed pink when he complemented her or said 'I love you'

Green- he watched her lying on the green grass, gazing at the clouds, and thought how lucky he was to have her

Purple- he slid the purple pendant around her neck and fastened it. She turned round and smiled at him appreciatively.

'Your amazing' she smiled

'So I've been told' he said, playing with the pendant on her neck.

Orange- they sat and watched the orange sunset, and lapsed into the comforting silence they both loved

Blue- she looked beautiful as she descended the staircase, wearing a midnight blue flowing dress. He had a sudden urge to laugh at all the other men in the ballroom, because he had the most beautiful and perfect woman in the world. But that wasn't very nice. And wasn't going to earn him any brownie points in the short term, and it certainly wasn't going to help in the long term.

Silver- she pulled the silver cd out her pocket labled 'skulduggery pleasant and Valkyrie Cain's favourites' and put it in the CD player. He felt a surge of happiness flow through him when he saw their names written on the CD. He wanted to slap himself. He was getting too kinky for his own good. They spent the rest of the day singing along to their favourite songs, and just being together.

Gold- her eyes were like liquid gold mixed with chocolate and he loved to stare into them all day long.

White- the white snow settled in her hair, and she smiled at him. She looked like some sort of snow queen. Where the hell was he getting all these compliments from? Ah well, at least he was only insane in his head.

Black- they stood in the rain on the roof and stared out over Dublin hand in hand. They both felt safe in the dark. Because their soles were black.

Violet- she looked into his violet eyes, and they were the most beautiful things she'd ever seen. She looked deeper into them, reached up on her tip toes, and kissed him.

Turquoise- he slid the turquoise flower into her hair and looked at her. She was beautiful and he loved her. . He sighed. He hoped to god, one day, he could _have_ her.

Lime- she didn't much like being in the lime light, she found it annoying, but, she had to do this. So she took his hand and the minister blurred through the vows and then it was almost over. The minister asked the question

'I do' he said

The minister asked the question again

'I do' she smiled

He grinned back, took her in his arms, and pressed his lips to hers.

Crimson- valkyrie jumped onto her bed and grinned at skulduggery. She gestured to the newly painted bedroom walls. Crimson.

' what do you think?' she asked, grinning

' I think you've lost you mind' skulduggery sighed

Cream- her skin was the beautiful creamy colour he loved, she just looked perfect to him.

Magenta- valkyrie stood, in the magenta short dress her mother had bought for her, scowling.

' you look beautiful' skulduggery smiled

' feck of' valkyrie snapped back

Skulduggery grinned

Grey- they stood and watched the grey clouds roll in. today, was going to be one of those days.

Amber- valkyrie produced a small flame in her hand, the amber flame danced and flickered and skulduggery and her grinned at each other.

Aqua- he sat on the beach and watched her swim in the aqua coloured water 'come'n in?' valkyrie yelled

' I'll pass!' skulduggery called out to her playfully

'why?'

' because of the shark behind you!' skulduggery said casually

Valkyrie had never swam so fast in her life

Tangerine- tanith scowled at the mirror, valkyrie roaring with laughter behind her

' you…look….like a…..tangerine!' valkyrie gasped between laughs

' ..again.' tanith said through gritted teeth

Violet- valkyrie stared at the temporary car, shocked.

' oh, its not that bad' skulduggery attemted

Valkyries silently jabbed a finger at the fluffy dice on the mirror

' ok, its awful'

Maroon- shakra, druna, and flaring pressed roared with laughter as fletcher stomped down the stairs.

' someone is in BIG trouble!' he yelled, pointing at the maroon p.e skirt her was wearing

Flaring pushed the super glue further into her pocket


	53. Shadowplay, The Killers

Shadowplay- the killers

Valkyrie stood on the mat and glared at wreath.

She hated him. So much. And she understood why everyone else did too.

He was low, mean, sneaky, and dangerous. Not to be trusted.

The only reason Valkyrie was still doing necromancy was because wreath was making her, or he'd kill her parents.

She hated it so much.

'Valkyrie' wreath said sternly, his cold voice even more threatening in the dark warehouse 'do it again'

Valkyrie glared at him and didn't move

She still did her elemental magic, and she missed just being an elemental and training with her best friend.

With wreath, they trained in old, dark and cold warehouses.

With skulduggery, they trained in skulduggery's warm living room, or down at the beach.

It was a big difference

'valkyrie!' wreath snapped 'again.'

' I don't want to do any more stupid training wreath' valkyrie hissed

' would you LIKE your parents dead?!' wreath bellowed

Valkyrie felt tears sting her eyes and wreath smiled

'no' he answered himself softly 'you would not like your parents killed, so behave, and do as I tell you'

Valkyrie nodded and closed her eyes

She felt the shadows rise up from the ring skulduggery had bought for her, and felt them curl around her protectively

She flicked her body slightly towards the wooden beam and the beam shook, but stayed in place.

Wreath nodded once

When valkyrie trained with skulduggery, he used himself as a target, because he knew valkyrie found it hilarious launching herself at him.

Or shakra, druna, and flaring would come around and basically offer themselves as targets, which was probably the funniest thing valkyrie had ever seen.

Three drunk teenagers trying to dodge fireballs….was funny.

She missed spending her whole day with him

But he would be here soon, to pick her up, and take her home.

She was glad he was still always there for her

Just then, the warehouse doors creaked open and skulduggery sauntered in

' stay here valkyrie, discipline. Remember? You must ask permission to leave'

'Screw that' Valkyrie grinned and leaped of the mat and into skulduggery's arms.

Wreath glared at the two

'cain, you are to ask permission from your master to leave!' wreath bellowed

'first of all, your not my master, I don't have a MASTER, and second, I don't give a shit what you think'

Valkyrie smiled

The shadows around wreath writhed and curled and lashed out angrily

Valkyrie smiled, satisfied. She turned to skulduggery

'hi' she smiled

' hello, how are you?' skulduggery asked

' awful. I hate necromancy'

' your not alone on that one' skulduggery growled darkly, then brightly added,' have you been pissing him of?' he asked, wrapping his arm around valkyrie waist and walking her across the warehouse to the door

' of course'

Skulduggery looked back at wreath and knew he would be smiling if he had lips

'good.'


	54. I'm Not Crazy, The Residents

Im not crazy- the residents

Eevet black sat with her arms folded across her chest, scowling at the wall opposite her.

Fourteen, she contemplated, was a shit age.

She wasn't sure why, but it was the shitiest of all the years she'd been alive.

The little run down house she was squatting in now was dark and damp, with the door hanging of and graffiti on the walls

Life hadn't always been this crap, but it had never been good

Her parents, had been bastards, and wherever they where now, they still where.

When Eevet was born, she was born into the world of magic, and a particularly bad side of the magic world it was.

Her parents were necromancers, killing for fun.

Eevet was brought up being a necromancer, but she had never been…in the eyes of everyone around her, normal.

She could manipulate shadows and fade away in darkness like all necromancers could, but when she concentrated, she could set something on fire, just by touching it and she could put out the flames just as quick.

Her parents where cruel to her, all the time, and she remembered it as clear as what she'd stolen for breakfast that morning.

'_You're a freak Eevet! A bloody freak! Why cant you get it right? You lazy bitch! Do it again!' he mother screeched at her. _

'_Hey Marion! I found a worm!' her father yelled, running up to them. He waved it in Eevest face and she squealed, tears stinging her eyes._

_Behind her, her mother laughed. _

' _whats the mater with you kid, marion? She's always nagging us for a pet!' her father laughed _

Her parents had kicked her out when she was seven

'_Get outta here you ungrateful pig! You don't deserve anything!' her father yelled_

Eevet hadn't even tried to beg her parents to let her stay. She just stuck up her middle finger and ran for it

She was tough. Tougher than anyone she knew.

Not like she knew many people.

Somewhere, in Dublin, a skeleton and a 20 year old sat poking each other, on the house on cemetery road.

'stop poking me' skulduggery said

Valkyrie poked his arm again

' im about to set you on fire valkyrie' skulduggery said, playful

' you'd never do that to me. You love me to much'

Skulduggery grabbed Valkyrie around her waist and tackled her to the ground.

He pinned her and laughed

' I'll kick your ass' valkyrie glared from the floor

' highly unlikely'

' just watch me'

'oh, I will'

Valkyrie sat there and glared up at him

Somewhere else, Eevet swore violently at some passers by


	55. Krafty Cheese, The Residents

Krafty cheese- the residents

'….. little terd faces I'll rip your ugly bitch faces of if you don't fecking stop looking at me bastards tú mórán beidh mé tú a mharú!!!!!!!!!' Eevet finished yelling in irish.

The passers by stared for another minuet then walked on.

_Its best to ignore random swearing homeless fourteen year olds one_ of the passers by's mother had said.

In Dublin somewhere, valkyrie pretended to listen to skulduggery

'…and we need to go and find her before she inflicts any MORE damage on passers by. She could expose us all.' Skulduggery finished saying

Valkyrie nodded slowly

' im sorry, what?' valkyrie asked. Skulduggery groaned and explained again

She plugged in her ipod and nodded.

Three hours acfter banging her head on a brick wall, simply out of boredom, Eevet decided she was hungry.

She wandered out of the little house she'd been living in for three days now, and walked casually down the street.

She walked into a cornor shop called rossies, and smiled at the man behind the counter. He was young and pretty good looking.

This would be easy.

The man appraised her appearance. Ripped tight grey t-shirt, ripped jeans and old converse, her long fair hair tied up with an old shag tag. Her big bluey green eyes sparkling.

He smiled

'Hey handsome' Eevet smiled. She winked

The man looked around, making sure nobody else was in the shop, satisfied, he winked back.

Eevet wondered round the shop, putting everything she fancied in a plastic bag, occasionally smiling and winking at the guy behind the counter, who had his eyes on her the whole time.

'You got a boyfriend?' the guy asked. His voice was rough and sexy. He was English.

' no, but ive got my eyes on someone' Eevet smiled. She winked again.

She wandered round for a little while longer. Then set her bag on the counter. She hopped up onto the counter beside the guy and smiled again

He smiled back

' you gotta name?' he asked, moving closer to her

Eevet smiled, she never gave away her name, even if it was her taken name

' ella'

' that's pretty'

' you gotta name?'

' Jonathan, but you can call me Johnny'

'well, Johnny, I think you and me are gona get along pretty well' Eevet smiled and kissed him

When he went to wrap his arms around her waist, Eevet hoped down from the counter, grabbed her 'shopping', and turned to wink again

' didn't your mum ever tell you not to kiss strangers?' Eevet smiled slyly, then ran for it.

' HEY!' Johnny barked then ran after her.

Valkyrie wandered down the street beside skulduggery.

She linked arms with him and grinned up at him

'yes, child?' skulduggery asked, looking down at her

'first of all, im twenty, not a child, and second, what are we gona do with this kid then?'

' I still think you're a child, and we're going to get this all sorted out, and get her somewhere to live, then we'll carry on as we always do'

'you mean annoying other people and annoying eachother?'

' and being brilliant. Don't forget being brilliant.'

' of course'

A girl, about fourteen, carrying a bag of junk food, ran straight into valkyrie

' jesus!' valkyrie yelled, but she kept a firm grip on the girl who had just knocked her over

' let the hell go of me you ass!' the girl yelled at valkyrie

Skulduggery grabbed the girls arms and pulled her of valkyrie. Keeping a firm grip on the swearing kid, he took valkyries hand and helped her up

Skulduggery and valkyrie stared at the kid.

' what? Like you've never seen a goldfish before' Eevet spat. She loved confusing people

' Eevet? Eevet black?' valkyrie asked

' whats it to you?'

' a lot. You better come with us'

' no thanks, I have to get back to my bowl'

' your coming with us' skulduggery said, shoving her forward.

'hey! Watch the scales!' Eevet yelled

Valkyrie giggled and Eevet grinned at her

When they were in the car, and Eevet had stopped stroking it, she spoke again

' so….what are you guys then, the goldfish police?'

Valkyrie giggled again

' no. we're not' skulduggery said, digging valkyrie in the ribs to shut her up ' we're here to help you'

'that's exactly what the goldfish police said' Eevet said

' look, the point is, we're not goldfish police, and we really are here to help you' skulduggery said, keeping his composure

' oh, good, you wouldn't happen to have any fish food?'

Skulduggery muttered something about 'making that damned kid INTO fish food' but didn't reply

They pulled up at the Hibernian cinema and eevets eyes widened

She'd been here before

Her parents had broken in when she was a kid, and theyd stolen all sorts of monstrous tools. They had been very painful, Eevet remembered.

' oh hell no am I goin in there! Goldfish or not, Im not goin anywhere NEAR that torture chamber!' Eevet yelled

Skulduggery cocked his head to the side

'its not a torture chamber. It's a hospital. For magic people'

' you make it sound like a looney asylum'

Skulduggery grunted something like 'well, valkyrie and I are here often, so I suppose your right' and then snatched Eevet up and flung her over his shoulder.

She immediately started swearing and kicking and yelling

Skulduggery just sighed, his grip on Eevet not loosening, and he wound his fingers through valkyries and they walked into the cinema

Kenspeckle grouse sat in one of his labs, sipping a cup of tea, and heard the usual sound of swearing, screaming, and laughing.

' you ass hole I'll have you arrested for child abuse you friggin skeleton retard!' an unfamiliar voice yelled

Valkyrie laughed

Skulduggery came into the room, carrying a yelling swearing, kicking girl over his shoulder.

His hand was interlocked with valkyries, and kenspeckle glared at it for a minuet before turning to skulduggerys face

' whos the annoying child?' kenspeckle grunted

' ted! Ted the gold fish!' Eevet yelled before, going back to kicking skulduggery and swearing at him

'cuireadh amháin dom tú síos creatlach ré annoying!' Eevet yelled in irish.

' what did she say?' valkyrie asked

' I think, at a rough guess, she said ' just put me down you bloody annoying skeleton' skulduggery grunted

' just shut up for a second will you!' skulduggery said to Eevet

She stopped screaming and looked at him

' no' she scowled, then went back to yelling in irish.

' we…uh…were hoping she could crash here' valkyrie asked sweetly

' no! absolutely not! Im sorry, my dear, but I cannot have any more annoying children! First, your partner thrusts fletcher renn upon me and I am raided by cleavers! And now I am asked to look after this annoying kid who knows too much Irish for her own good? No! absolutely not!'

' please, kenspeckle. We really need your help. PLEASE' Valkyrie begged, doing her best puppy eyes

Kenspeckle sighed

' fine. She can stay. And I don't care why. Just as long as she doesn't break any test tubes'

' deal' skulduggery said ' I'd shake your hand, but ive got a pain in the ass over my shoulder so…'

' this way' kenspeckle said, ignoring skulduggery

' so, old man, how'd you learn to ignore skull head so much? Its genious'

' it takes practise'

' you- my friend, are a crafty cheese'


	56. Cricket, The DumDumz

Cricket- the dumdumz

'MMMMUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMM!' valkyrie looked up from the flame in her palm

'wha?'

' I…think dad just passed out'

'WHAT?'

Valkyrie ran out to the hall to see Alice staring at her dad, who was lying on the floor mumbling about ducks and valkyrie

' uh…skulduggery?' valkyrie asked, leaning down beside skulduggery and shaking him lightly

' whhaaaaaaaa duck' skulduggery mumbled

She raised her eye brow at her reddish brown, blue eyes husband and nudged him with her foot

' oi, skul, wake up, I think you walked into a door'

'dad, you alright?' alice asked

' oohhh cheeeessseee' skulduggery mumbled

Alice giggled

Skulduggery groaned and sat up, rubbing his head. He pouted.

' I had the weirdest dream….that shakra hit me over the head with a cricket bat…'

Somewhere, down the street, shakra flame cackled, wandering away with a cricket bat over her shoulder.


	57. Paint It black, Rolling Stones

Paint it black- the rolling stones

Fletcher Marion renn sat and watched the TV screen as four paedophiles (oh, sorry, I meant teletubies) danced across the screen. One carried a handbag, one had a triangle on its head, one carried a blanket, they had tv's on their stomachs, and they were followed around by a vacumm cleaner who cleaned up their 'tubby custard' (god knows what that REALLY is…)

Fletcher let out a high pitched giggle.

He'd forgotten how much he LOVED teletubies…

Valkyrie walked into the room and stared.

' uh…' she managed to say

Fletcher turned slowly round and stared at her like a fish.

' oh…um…i…uh….was…um watching it cause the baby wanted to' fletcher spluttered out

'….the…baby?' valkyrie said, backing away discreetly

' um..uh…er…yeah…' fletcher pointed to valkyries stomach

' fletcher…the baby didn't ask you to watch teletubies'

'………or did it?'

'fletcher.'

'right. Sorry.'

' I need to find you something NORMAL to do, come one, truth or dare'

Valkyrie grabbed fletcher by the ear and literally dragged him into the kitchen

' skulduggery!' she yelled

' yes, dearest?'

' we're playing truth or dare!'

'….ah yes! Truth or dare, excellent game'

' you don't know what it is, do you?'

'…no.'

' just get tanith and ghastly in here now!'

' yes ma'm'

A couple of minuets later, tanith, ghastly, and skulduggery were bustled into the kitchen by a broom held by shakra flame

Valkyrie didn't even ask how flaring, druna and shakra had gotten into the house, it was just an everyday thing now.

' come one you smegging lot, I don't have time to waist, the mole king needs us' shakra muttered, setting the broom down and sitting in the kitchen sink

Valkyrie stared for a moment then explained the rules to everyone (well, skulduggery and ghastly)

' but, I have an awesomer version, called truth, dare, kiss, hug or promise' valkyrie said slyly

' ah, sounds fun' tanith said approvingly

' tsk. Our version is better, truth, dare, kiss, hug, snog, shag, promise, jump, date, die' druna said dismissevly

Fletcher nodded

' well im in' he said

Everyone glared at him

Valkyrie spun a coke bottle and it landed on skulduggery

' oh hell' he muttered

Tanith smiled

' promise' she said

Skulduggery groaned

' skulduggery, you have to promise me, that you will have banged valkyrie by the end of the day, or I will scratch your Bentley with my sword' tanith said casually

' what. The. Hell. Tanith' valkyrie said, staring

Tanith just smirked.

' it's a good promise' skulduggery muttered to ghastly

Ghastly snickered

' well, promise, or big scratch on your car?' tanith asked

Skulduggery would probably be smirking right now

' promise' he said

Im. Going. To. Kill. You. Valkyrie thought

She glared daggers in everyones direction

Tanith spun the bottle and it landed on ghastly

' righty mole, promise.' Shakra said, sharpening her spork.

' oh god' ghastly sighed

' mr topshop, you have to promise every man, woman and fletcher in this room 'shakra shot a look at fletcher ' that you! MUST MARRY CARLISE BEFORE EDWARD TURNS YOU INTO A VAMPIRE!' shakra announced, standing on her stool

Ghastly stared

' we went to see new moon' flaring explained, drawing smiley faces on skulduggerys hat

Valkyrie really wanted to back away right now.

Fletcher grabbed the bottle enthusiastically and spun in.

it fell of the table.

Fletcher got on his hands and knees and smiled, satisfied.

'its on val' fletcher said

' oh, shit' valkyrie said

' valkyrie, for the rest of the day, you must answer everything with 'paint it black', 'bang 'em' or 'ah, hell' understood?' fletcher asked

' fleeeeeetttccchhhherrr you bitch, don't make me do that!'

' tough'

Valkyrie grimaced as the phone ring echoed through the house

' hello?' valkyrie asked

' hey steph, its mum, your father and I are at homebase at the moment, do you want us to pick up some paint for your room? What colour do you want, love?'

Oh hell. Valkyrie thought.

'uh…paint it black?' valkyrie tried

Everyone behind her snickered.

' black? Are you sure?'

' yeah, mum, gotta go, bye!'

' uh…bye, love'

Valkyrie slammed the phone down.

' I hate you all' she growled

' thank you' shakra said happily

Valkyrie grabbed skulduggerys hand and dragged him out of the room

'where are you goin'?!' fletcher called after them, he smirked.

' bangin 'em!!' valkyrie yelled angrily

Fletcher roared with laughter

In the kitchen sink, shakra shook her head, broken.


	58. Don't Lie, Black Eyed Peas

Don't lie- black eyed peas

' bye' valkyrie yawned, climbing out of skulduggerys car

' bye valkyrie'

' see you tomorrow'

'night, sweet dreams'

' that'll be the day' valkyrie smiled, and closed the passenger door

She pulled her coat tighter around her as she hurried down the dark street. She lifted herself up to her bedroom and climbed in. the reflection sat up in her bed.

' are you ready to resume your life?' it asked

Valkyrie nodded

The reflection nodded too and stepped into the mirror. Valkyrie touched it and her memories flooded back into her.

Nothing very interesting to the reflection but shakra flame had come up to the reflection today when it was standing at the bus stop.

_The reflection looked over as a girl in a top hat and tail coat wandered across the road to her. _

' _hello, my good latin dictionary' _

' _hello' _

' _you have a moment?' _

' _I suppose' _

' _wheres valkyrie?' _

'_she's with skulduggery' _

'_ah, the orange thief, very well, so long, and thanks for all the fish!' the girl waved and wandered out onto the road, right in front of a moving bus. _

_The bus screeched to a stop in front of shakra and shakra got on the bus and proceeded to argue with the bus driver. _

Valkyrie smiled amused, kicked of her clothes, pulled on a pair of black pyjama shorts and a band t-shirt, and climbed into bed.

She fell asleep fast, and nightmares started to over take her thoughts.

Skulduggery sat in the Bentley. He still hadn't driven away yet. He was thinking

'_sweet dreams' skulduggery had said_

' _that'll be the day' valkyrie had smiled back_

Skulduggery got out of the car and started up the cold dark street.

He had never done anything like this before.

Ever.

But she meant a lot to him, so it only seemed right that he helped her out.

He let the air beneath his palms carry him up to her window. He climbed through.

Valkyrie was lying in her bed, the covers kicked of her, tossing and turning.

Her face looked scared and her breathing quickened she shot up and gasped for breath.

She slowly turned to see skulduggery, frozen by the window.

She nearly screamed but skulduggery moved towards her and put his hand over her mouth gently

' shhhh, valkyrie, its just me, calm down, your alright' skulduggery said, soothingly, climbing onto the bed.

Valkyrie buried her head in skulduggery chest and gripped his hands tightly

'what're you doing here?' valkyrie whispered

' uh…I…forgot…my phone?'

' suuure'

' ok, I uh…was sleep walking?'

' skulduggery…'

' unconsciously walking?'

' don't lie'

'fine' skulduggery sighed. he pulled valkyrie to him ' I was here, because I remember what you'd said about having nightmares, and I just…I don't know… I just felt you'd need someone here, seeing as your parents are down in Belfast' skulduggery whispered

' what would I do without you?' valkyrie smiled, burying her head in her chest and lying down

' many, many things' skulduggery smiled

Somewhere else, fletcher renn dreamt about tweenies.


	59. 27

**Ok, so this is the first in the series of 27 really short stories. I need ideas! **

**Enjoy!**

27- Fall out boy

1

Fletcher looked behind him. Nobody there

He went back to watching Paris Hiltons British best friend, and heard a scuffle.

He looked behind him again. No one.

He turned back to the TV screen again

Shakra flame came up from behind the sofa and slowly crept up behind Fletcher.

She put her chin on fletchers shoulder and grinned creepily

Fletcher slowly, turned to the side to face her.

He saw what looked like a crazy squirrel on drugs with a massive face grinning madly

Fletcher had never ran so fast in his life.


	60. 2

2

'here' skulduggery mumbled, embarrassed

He handed Valkyrie a small box, wrapped in midnight blue paper

Valkyrie smiled softly

'You didn't have to get me anything, skul'

'Of course I did, its your birthday' he said, a smile in his tone

'Thank you skulduggery, really'

' your very welcome, valkyrie'

Valkyrie opened the small box carefully and gasped

Inside, was a necklace, with a small gold chain, and a goldish brown glittering sword hanging from it.

' oh skulduggery, its beautiful!' valkyrie grinned and whirled round and into his arms

Skulduggery smiled smugly to himself, happy with valkyrie in his arms. He pulled her closer

' just like you'


	61. 3

3- baby

'Ooooowwwww' Valkyrie moaned again

Skulduggery shifted his weight to lean over to her and hold her hands.

He decided he'd fall if he leaned any more so he sat on the bed and put his arms gently round her instead.

'Valkyrie, are you SURE your alright, I can get kenspeckle to give you something, to ease the pain' skulduggery said, worry colouring his tone.

'No, no, im fine, I want to see my baby BEFORE im knocked out'

Skulduggery grunted and hugged Valkyrie closer

'Giving birth sucks' Valkyrie commented randomly

'…how much medicine did kenspeckle give you exactly?'

'Shut up' Valkyrie smiled

Just then, the door creaked open, and skulduggery and Valkyrie fell silent.

Their baby.

Clarabelle came into the room carefully, cradling a baby wrapped in blankets in her arms.

A wide grin spread across valkyries face and skulduggery knew he'd be grinning too. If he could.

Clarabelle slipped the baby gently into valkyries arms and Valkyrie gasped

'It's a girl' Clarabelle whispered, smiling ' I'll leave you two alone for a second' and then she breezed out of the room, humming to herself.

She was beautiful.

The most perfect baby Valkyrie had ever, ever seen.

She had big brown eyes and pale skin with rosy cheeks and tufts of reddish brown hair.

The little girl gazed up at her mother and grinned.

She had no teeth.

'She's…amazing skulduggery said quietly, brushing his fingers over the baby's cheek.

' I…know. She's perfect' Valkyrie smiled, hugging her. She laid her head on skulduggery's chest

'And she's ours' skulduggery said proudly. He hugged Valkyrie.

'that's the best bit'

Skulduggery was silent for a moment.

'Can…can I hold her?' he asked. He sounded like a four year old asking for a puppy

Valkyrie grinned up at him and then handed her to skulduggery. Skulduggery cradled the baby in his arms perfectly and hugged her to him.

She smiled.

Valkyrie kissed skulduggery's cheekbone and smiled.

Just then, tanith came quietly into the room, dragging ghastly with her.

Her eyes zeroed in on the baby and she grinned.

She bounded over and gazed at he baby and then hugged Valkyrie. She squealed happily

'Oh Val, she's gorgeous!' she squealed

'Thanks tanith'

'I wish I could've been there but kenspeckle kicked me out with a broom.' Tanith frowned

Valkyrie laughed

She looked at ghastly who was gazing at the baby and smiling

'she's…well, she's a beauty' ghastly smiled, completely shocked that the man he had been best friends with for over 300 years, and the girl who he used to argue with when she was twelve, were now sitting in a hospital bed, with their child.

'Do you wana hold her?' Valkyrie asked quietly

Ghastly hesitated, longing in his eyes, and then he nodded and skulduggery handed her to him.

Ghastly smiled, content, but didn't say anything

There was a happy silence in the room, and then Fletcher burst in, grinning, kenspeckle right behind him, shouting at him to 'leave everyone alone and let them keep their sanity for a minuet'

Ghastly handed the baby back to Valkyrie as Fletcher approached them

He went quiet. For once.

'Hey, Fletcher, you come to see her then?' Valkyrie grinned

Fletcher blinked spastically.

'I…uh….her?' Fletcher asked, a hint of a smile pulling the corner of his lips.

'Yep, it's a girl'

Fletcher grinned.


	62. 4

4- football

'woo! I thrashed your ass, renn!' flaring rhythm yelled, doing a happy dance along with tanith on the other side of the makeshift pitch.

' you did not!'

' renn, how can that be untrue? Seriously, im WAY better at footie than you, love'

' we'll see about that. REMATCH!' fletcher announced.

Nobody was sure who he was announcing that to, because fletcher was the only one on his team.

Skulduggery was having an argument with druna about sucking eggs

Valkyrie was lying on the grass laughing at Fletcher and flaring trying to beat each other up. Flaring was pretty short, which pissed her off, but Fletcher could hardly carry a feather without needing to sit down, so the fight was pretty hilarious.

Ghastly was having a conversation with tanith about 'whose line is it anyway?'

And Shakra was sitting half way up a tree, dropping water balloons on Fletcher as he fought, and having an argument on the phone with Edward Cullen.

Flaring grabbed the ball from Fletcher feet and dribbled it to goals. The ball went in easy.

After a while, it was 72 to flaring and 1 to Fletcher. Fletcher had insisted he got one goal to start him of.

Flaring let Fletcher start with the ball and he ran with it to nets. Flaring yawned and kicked the ball away from fletcher's feet and right into the goals across the pitch and Fletcher ran straight into the goal post.

Flaring had never laughed so hard in her life.

Well- except the time she crashed Edward Cullen's volvo…


	63. 5

5

Fletcher walked past tanith's room. Nobody was in the house. This was his chance.

He tip toed into the bedroom and went through tanith's drawers until he found a black sparkly dress. He grinned. He'd always loved sparkly things…

He pulled the dress over his head and grinned at himself in a full length mirror propped up against the wall

'Well, Fletcher, I must say, you do look rather fetching.' Fletcher said out loud, happily

Then he caught movement in the doorway and turned slowly to see tanith and Valkyrie, staring at him.


	64. 6

6

Valkyrie sat in the house watching something stupid on TV. She really wasn't paying attention.

She heard a loud bang and then skulduggery's voice

'Uh...Valkyrie?!' skulduggery called

'Yeah?' Valkyrie asked, a little suspicious.

'I…uh…hope you didn't like that phone!'

' …'


	65. 7

7

'Here' Valkyrie said, handing skulduggery a thin plastic case

'What is it?' skulduggery asked

Valkyrie blushed

'It's a cd'

'…why?'

'Because I made it…for us'

'That's…that's really sweet Valkyrie, thanks'

Valkyrie smiled and kissed skulduggery's cheek.

A little while later, Valkyrie had fallen asleep and curled right up into skulduggery happily.

Skulduggery smiled over at her as they drove and he slipped the CD into the machine

'A white demon love song' by the killers started playing, and skulduggery knew he'd be smiling if he could. He hugged Valkyrie closer to him


	66. 8

8

Fletcher was bored. There was no other way of putting it. He slumped on the kitchen counter.

What had Shakra said about boredom?

_When I get bored, I get drunk, and hope to god I don't walk into anything. _

That's when he noticed the bottle of Guinness on the kitchen counter, and he grinned evilly.

Two hours, and 20 something beers later…

'Teletubies! Tinky winky! Dipsy! Lala! Liam!' Fletcher slurred loudly

Skulduggery and valkyrie who had been upstairs in valkyries room *ahem* (ha-ha Shakra, ha ha) came downstairs. They paused when they saw Fletcher.

'I'll go get kenspeckle' skulduggery said, backing out the door.


	67. 9

9

Flaring had a mission.

God, she loved missions.

Her bright red hair was covered completely with a black hat. Except her side fringe, which she insisted she kept out? She was also wearing black tight jeans, converse, a black t-shirt, and black gloves. So were Shakra and druna.

They thought they would blend in with the darkness, but it didn't help that they were carrying green glow sticks.

Shakra went and sat on the sleeping Fletcher and druna stood at the door, holding a cricket bat.

Shakra leaned close to fletchers ear, barely holding back the evil cackle, and she spoke in a weird, Indian, Irish, cockney accent.

'Allo Dave? I got those pegs you wanted' Shakra said loudly in fletchers ear

Fletcher yelled in surprise

'Gimme your ring!' Shakra yelled at him

'What the hell!' Fletcher yelled, panicking

'You're my wife now!' all three yelled

Fletcher whimpered

'I don't have a ring!' he panicked

'Mr Jangles will do' Shakra cackled, pointing to the stuffed hippo thing Fletcher was clutching tightly

He looked back and fourth in shock between the three maniacs and mr jangles

'n-no! You can't have Mr Jangles!'

'Or the speakers get it' flaring cackled- holding a lighter to the wire of fletcher precious speakers

The three girls didn't know why they were actually DOING this, but it was either that, or wriggling there way into a Harry potter fanfiction, but druna was against the idea of setting Harry and Draco up

'No! No! No! GOD no! PLEASE NO!' Fletcher cried

Flaring sighed. And went to lower the flame, but it was too late and the flame brushed against a red wire.

'Oopsies' flaring said simply, grinning.

There was a crackling noise, then a large bang, and smoke filled the room.

In the dead silence, flaring giggled.


	68. 10

10

Ghastly loved sowing. It was calming, relaxing. Much nicer than fighting.

He sort of, zoned out, when he was working.

They were all at valkyries house, and ghastly had brought his sowing machine with him.

It was very quiet, and it was late at night. It was pitch black out side but ghastly could hear the muffled laughing and whoops of joy coming from Shakra, druna and flaring, or dfs, as they liked to be called now, who were outside, being chased by Fletcher because the girls had put eggs in his hair gel.

Ghastly could also hear fletcher's angry yells.

Skulduggery had been forced to play hide and seek with all five girls but 'dfs' had been found easily because of their yelling and giggling, and tanith and Valkyrie were probably hiding somewhere and up to no good.

Ghastly watched skulduggery walk past muttering something about 'damned immature screaming girls, wanting to play hide and seek'

Then he watched Valkyrie and tanith creep past, grinning widely, and holding water pistols

Valkyrie caught ghastly looking at them, tapped tanith, and they both put their fingers to their lips, signalling to him to be quiet

He grinned and nodded in agreement

The girls creeped on and then ghastly heard a yell of surprise coming from skulduggery, the girls laughing insanely, and then skulduggery came into the room, dripping wet, holding a soaking valkyrie by the waist, and dragging tanith by her arm.

Ghastly looked at them, and pretended to nod disapprovingly, and the girls giggled

'Did I ever mention how much a love you, skulduggery?' Valkyrie asked sweetly

'Im going to murder you, Cain'


	69. 11

11

'Fine, you have three seconds to get in there, get a freakin gumball, and get out. Understand?' Valkyrie sighed

'Yup' Fletcher squealed, scrambling out of the Bentley and into the shopping mall, where his beloved gumball machine was.

Skulduggery sighed

'He fell out of a tree at birth' Valkyrie explained

'I bet he ate crayons too' tanith piped in

Fletcher bounced through the mall towards the machine.

He frowned.

There were four people in the queue

But Fletcher had a plan.

By the time he was there, the first guy had nearly finished, so this wouldn't be hard.

Fletcher joined the queue and tapped the guy in front of him on the shoulder

'Yes?' the guy asked, turning round

'Excuse me sir, but may I remind you, you are standing on the very grave of my father?' Fletcher said, in all seriousness

'In a shopping mall?' the guy asked, raising an eyebrow

'He liked shopping. This was a request. Would you please step of the grave of my father?'

'…what are you on?'

'I am simply asking you to step of the very grave of my father' Fletcher said, jutting out his bottom lip for effect.

The guy sighed, and stepped back

Fletcher stepped in his place and chuckled to himself

'Sucker'


	70. 12

Yeah. Uh. Sorry about no updates for….um. All my other stories. Revision and all that…stuff.

Right now, in the rainy country of Northern Ireland, in county Antrim, in Templepatrick, on the ballybentragh road, on the fourth house on the left. (Ok, Theres only 4 houses on the road but still) downstairs, my parents are having a Christmas party. My mum is getting drunk, my dad is already drunk, and wondering where the laptop is, which I have smuggled up to my room because I am already drunk, and bored, my boy friends mum is also drunk, my boyfriends dad, Is also wondering where the laptop is ( and is also drunk) my boyfriend, is standing beside me, complaining that he's too sober. And all the other guests are drunk.

So im writing. Because right now, im in a house fool ( that IS how you spell fool, right? Uggghhhh im drunk) of drunk relatives, drunk guests, drunk big brothers, drunk big sisters, a baby who I SWEAR is singing right now. Oh. No. wait. That's my phone. Never mind. And i also have a sober boyfriend. Which is no fun. Well, maybe a bit. So, enjoy my drunk story, and laugh at a drunk 13 year old flaring rhythm, and pity her sober boyfriend, and, I guess, back away from her too…

12

' things could be livened up a bit couldn't they?' valkyrie asked randomly

' im sorry?' skulduggery asked, absolutely confused

' I just think, some of our cases are a bit…boring, you know?' valkyrie asked

' yes, because a life threatening job as a detective and a charming suave skeleton as a boyfriend, is boring?' skulduggery asked

' that big assed ego, I swear. To. God….' Valkyrie muttered

All the time fletcher had been sitting in the back of the car, painting his nails with a pink sharpie.

'Well, I have to admit, im pretty bored' he piped in

'Ugh, shut up Fletcher' Valkyrie said, just for the hell of telling Fletcher to shut up

Fletcher grumbled about eggs or something, as they pulled up to the house they were investigating. The Bentley pulled up beside a pond.

' well, if my input is not needed, even if I AM arguing your side, I shall leave' Fletcher flourished, and got out of the car, not looking where he was going, and stepped into the pond

The moment of silence lasted a mere 3 seconds before Valkyrie could hardly breath for laughing.


	71. 13

13

' I cant believe this'

' your gong to have to! Besides! I thought you'd be flattered'

' no.'

'tanith and ghastly loved it. Especially tanith. She says she's getting a matching one! Well, minus the heart and stuff'

'why?' skulduggery moaned, taking her hand and spinning her round to look at her bare back again

' why what?'

' its…I don't like it'

'hey!'

' no, I don't mean I don't like it…I really DO love it, I just, I just don't want you with a …tattoos'

'why?'

' your too young'

' tsk'

Skulduggery sighed, tracing his fingers on the outline of the silhouettes of the four people.

One had a sword, and looked like the shape of a woman, with the name tanith low under it in pretty writing

One looked like it had his arms folded and looked like a muscle man, with the same ghastly bespoke under it, one was q shorter girl, with her hair blowing in the wind, and she was posed the same way as the tall, skinny man with his scarf billowing in the 'wind'. The names skulduggery pleasant and Valkyrie Cain were printed beneath them. The whole thing was black and very small.

There was a little gothic heart above skulduggery and valkyrie.

Skulduggery shook his head.

He wasn't sure why he was shaking his head. Maybe it was annoyance, anger, awe, smugness, or just for the sake of head shaking. He wasn't sure. But he was.

' I still cant believe it'

'well, most people have tattoos of their loved ones…don't they?'

' no, they don't'

' skulduggery! Its only a small one!' Valkyrie whined

Skulduggery sighed

' ok, you've got the damned tattoo, and I suppose I DO like the heart…' skulduggery said, tracing his fingers over the small heart

Valkyrie squealed happily

' I love you, you know that?'

' I sometimes wonder why I haven't shoved you in a room and locked the door yet' skulduggery sighed

' yeah, well, if you were in their too, im sure something can be arranged…' valkyrie smiled, and kissed him


	72. 14

Holy shit! Seventy something chapters?! Nice. Sorry about my random outburst about the Christmas party….I was very drunk. So yeah, enjoy this, and I SWEAR new updates for all my other stories are coming up be happy, children. Be happy. AND FREAKING UPDATE!

14

'Stephanie? Stephanie? Stephanie edgely will you please pay attention!' the teacher snapped at Valkyrie, who was nearly asleep

'Oh! What? Right. Sorry sir' Valkyrie mumbled, pretending to be interested in her French lesson

'Now, class, we're going to be starting French verbs today' Mr Smockishun *hehehehhehe I wrote that with my eyes closed* said, flicking through a text book

'We've done that, sir' one girl sighed

'Oh. Have we? We have. Excellent. Photosynthesis!' me smockishun announced loudly

'That's biology, sir' Valkyrie mumbled, nearly asleep

'Oh'

The lesson got very boring after that. Mr Smockishun lost his glasses. Then remembered he didn't have glasses. Then a boy called Samuel mazual fell of his seat. And then something very odd happened

Valkyrie quietly drifted of but was woken up when someone knocked quietly on the door.

Everyone stopped yelling and cussing and stopped to stare at the young woman, with tousled blond hair, and wearing brown leather, with a sword in its scabbard, open the door and stand just on the threshold.

Mr smockishun nearly fell of his seat. Although he was standing.

' how can I h-help you, ma'm?' he asked politely

' hi' she said in an English accent 'can v- I mean, can Stephanie edgely please be excused from class?' she asked sweetly, grinning at valkyrie.

'Well. Um. Of course' Mr Smockishun said. He turned to Valkyrie 'Stephanie, homework tonight is research on Queen Elizabeth the first'

'That's history sir' the class chorused, sighing.

'Oh'

Valkyrie packed her things and bounded up to the woman. She looked back at all her staring class mates, some jealous, some staring, some confused, some just staring for the hell of staring.

She flashed a huge grin, gave tanith low a high five, and they bounded down the corridor to go have some REAL fun.


	73. 15

Ok

Whose a pretty boy then?- fletcher no, I don't consider myself a beautiful woman- fletcher

These people are so immature- I love val- skulduggery

Don't make me mad, renn- I have a sword- val rox- tanith

Sevs my sexy bitch….yes…kiddies…- shakra sevs still my sexy bitch- death, give me back my Patrick stump hat you stupid whore- shakra

Llameworms4evr- druna don't just stand there! Help me find my nose!- druna

Dr mantoots- flaring Mrs Cullen- the scoundrel sampled my flapjack-flaring

im not bald, im just taller than my hair- ghastly I have way more scars then potter- ghastly

its all fun and games, until fletcher gets hurt, then its hilarious- I luff skul - valkyrie

15

**Whose a pretty boy then? **has just signed in

**Whose a pretty boy then? says**

Hey kiddies

**Dr mantoots says**

Hello kiddie fiddler

**Whose a pretty boy then? says **

Ouch.

**Im not bald, im just taller than my hair, says**

…I just tuned into this conversation and im not liking what im hearing.

**Sevs my sexy bitch…yes….kiddies….has just signed in**

**Sevs my sexy bitch…yes…kiddies…says**

I think I just sat on an egg

**Don't make me mad, renn- I have a sword- val rox says**

Shakras been on the drink

**Sevs my sexy bitch…yes…kiddies…says**

Unless milk makes you drunk, I beg to differ**.**

**These people are so immature- I love val says**

Why are we all here?

**Llamaworms4evr has just signed in**

**It's all fun and games until Fletcher gets hurt, then its hilarious has just signed in**

**Its all fun and games until fletcher gets hurt, then its hilarious says**

Hey guys. Hey skul ;)

**Llamaworms4evr says**

woooOOOOoooOOoooO! lLLuuUUuuuUrrrVVV!

**These people are so immature- I love val says**

No comment!

**Llamaworms4evr says**

But you have to admit, you DO love her. even though it annoys me…

**These people are so immature- I love val says**

…..maybe….

**Its all fun and games until fletcher gets hurt, then its hilarious says**

Hey skul?

**These people are so immature- I love val says**

Yes?

**Its all fun and games until fletcher gets hurt, then its hilarious says**

I love you :)

**These people are so immature- I love val says**

**D'aw, love you too kid**

**Llamaworms4evr says**

Thanks val, that was such a good plan

**Its all fun and games until fletcher gets hurt, then its hilarious says**

I know, right? :L

**These people are so immature- I love val says**

…are you two planning this on a separate conversation?

**Llamaworms4evr says**

….nooooooo *looks shifty*

**These people are so immature- I love val says**

Stupid kids.

**Llamaworms4evr says**

i'll have you know! Actually, I got nothin. Dammit.

**Llamaworms4evr says**

Im changing my name so my identity is hidden! Mwahahahahahaha!

**Don't just stand there! Help me find my nose! Says **

There. I am hiddddeeennnn!

**Whose a pretty boy then? says**

Shakra, your being quiet

**Sevs a sexy bitch...yes…kiddies…says**

Yes….kiddies…

**Whose a pretty boy then? says**

.

**Sevs a sexy bitch…yes…kiddies…says**

Wait till you see what death bought. You wont be able to speak for a month. Believe me. Black lace and skeletons don't match. Take that advise, skul

**These people are so immature- I love val says**

…er…I will?

**Its all fun and games until fletcher gets hurt, then its hilarious says **

Whats wrong with black lace?

**Sevs a sexy bitch…yes…kiddies…says**

…val. BLACK LACE? AS IN UNDERWEAR? DUDE!

**Its all fun and games until fletcher gets hurt, then its hilarious says **

…oh. OH. Right.

**These people are so immature- I love val says**

I don't mine black lace

**Dr mantoots says**

Yeah, if valkyries wearing it. ;)

**These people are so immature- I love val ( and black lace) says**

My point exactly!

**Dr Mantoots says**

Dude, the name isn't doing much good dignity wise.

**These people are so immature- I love Val (and black lace) says**

Meh. I can live without dignity.

**It's all fun and games until Fletcher gets hurt, then its hilarious says**

You've been living without dignity for the past 400 years

**These people are so immature- I love Val (and black lace) says**

Pfft.

**Im not bald, just taller than my hair says **

This is a really awkward conversation

**These people are so immature- I love val (and black lace) says **

I know. I love it. Hey ghastly? You wouldn't be able to make some black lace, would you?

_At home, valkyrie burst out laughing. So did everyone else. Ghastly was just…scarred. _

**I have way more scars than potter says**

Er…I'll see what I can do. Byeee!

**I have way more scars then potter has left the conversation. **

**No, I don't consider myself a beautiful woman says**

This is fletcher by the way. Im going now. Im not sure how much more lace I can take

**No, I don't consider myself a beautiful woman has left the conversation**

**Sevs still my sexy bitch- death give me back my Patrick stump hat you stupid whore says**

I haven't spoken in a while. So now I am speaking. And singing. And some flying penguins. BYE CHILDREN! Sorry, ive got to go, serious got his head stuck in the bowling ball shiner.

**Sevs still my sexy bitch- death give me back my Patrick stump hat you stupid whore! Has left the conversation.**

**Don't just stand there! Help me find my nose! Says**

Well I best be going too. I cant have shakra get drunk on her own. Bye parawhores!

**Don't just stand there! Help me find my nose! Has left the conversation. **

**Mrs cullen- the scoundrel sampled my flapjack says**

I best be going too. Allo allo is on. Have fun with the black lace! Tanith, you comin too? Allo allo's aweeeesssooommme!

**Don't make me mad, renn, I have a sword- val rox says**

Sure! Cya l8r everyone! Hav fun** val ;)**

**Don't make me mad, renn, I have a sword- val rox has left the conversation**

**Mrs cullen- the scoundrel sampled my flapjack has left the conversation**

**I have way more scars then potter had left the conversation **

**Its all fun and games until fletcher gets hurt, then its hilarious says**

Well, that was weird.

**These people are so immature- I love val (and black lace) says**

Indeed. …do you wana go see about that black lace, then?

**Its all fun and games until fletcher gets hurt, then its hilarious says**

Of course

**Its all fun and games until fletcher gets hurt, then its hilarious has left the conversation**

**These people are so immature- I love val (and black lace) has left the conversation**

**Sevs still my sexy bitch- death, give me back my Patrick stump hat, you stupid whore! Has joined the conversation**

**Sevs still my sexy bitch- death, give me back my Patrick stump hat, you stupid whore! Says**

! One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,  
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them! Heehheheheheehehhe


	74. 16

16

' charile! Ya look so down with your big sad eyes and your big fat frown. The world doesn't have to be so greeeeey!'

Fletcher sat, glued to the computer, smiling childishly at Charlie the unicorn or youtube.

' put a banana in you ear!' the random green thing in the santa hat sang.

Fletcher was obsessive with Charlie the unicorn. Disturbingly so.

'renn, would you stop watching that? Its scarring.' Valkyrie said, coming into the room dragging a sobbing shakra by the collar.

'here, look after her. the kids traumastised' valkyrie snapped, shoving shakra at fletcher.

Shakra launched herself at fletcher and knocked them both over

' ppppaaattttrrrriiccccckkkk!' she screamed

'what!?' fletcher yelled, prying the kid of her

' f-f-f-all out b-b-b-b-b-oy! Gone! P-p-p-p-patrick! Gone! Noooo!' shakra yelled

' this is….awkward.' fletcher announced.

Shakra was practically lying on fletcher stroking his hair and then occasionally stroking a picture of Patrick stump.

' dude, don't cry inta me, I don't even LIKE fall out boy!' fletcher yelled

He got a very lady like middle finger in return.

' patttrrriiiickkkk!' shakra yelled again

' oh boy….' Fletcher sighed


	75. 17

Heyyyy! Sorry ive taken so long to upload but I was skiing for a week, but, I basically sat with a notepad and jotted down messed up ideas. It is officially xmas eve so im wishing you ALLLLLL a skulduggery Christmas and everybodys new chapters and stories are awesome :D I vow to upload about 20 new chapters by Christmas day ! :D xoxoxox

17

Valkyrie rarely got a day of, and when she did, she spent it at home scaring the shit out of herself with a scary movie and stuffing her face with chocolate.

She sat on the sofa and began to watch saw six and eat a large bar of dairy milk chocolate.

Just as the guy was about to be torn apart by barbed wire, there was a knock on valkyries door. Valkyrie screamed in fright.

Skulduggery burst through the door, his gun in hand, and valkyrie screamed again.

' what?' skulduggery asked urgently

' you. Fucking. SCARED ME!' valkyrie yelled breathlessly

Skulduggery paused, and lowered his gun but didn't put it away.

' so…he's not here then?' skulduggery asked

' whos not here? what are you doing here? how did you get in?! you see if you've knocked down my front door-'

' shut up a minuet' skulduggery said, putting a hand up to silence her 'I got a tip of sanguine is on his way. We're getting out of here now'

' oh. Well, uh ok, let me just change' valkyrie said. She raced upstairs and changed into protective clothing.

She heard a grunt and something smash downstairs. Somebody groaned and it went silent.

' I hope ya'll didn't like that vase!' a Texan voice called up the stairs.

' shit shit shit' valkyrie whispered, panicking. She had to get downstairs and help skulduggery but she get her hands on sanguine first. He deserved a broken bone or two.

Valkyrie ran into the wardrobe and shut the doors quietly behind her. She locked the doors using the inside of the hinges, and prying them down with her thumbs.

She heard footsteps coming up the stairs going deliberately slow.

'Ya'll better watch out kid, mr funny bones aint here to save you this time' Billy ray sanguine drawled.

Valkyries heart started racing in her chest and she tried her best not to make any noise.

'Sanguine she's not here! Valkyrie heard skulduggery yell. Thank god he hadn't been knocked out or worse.

'Ha! Cause I'll believe that bones, ya just sit there like a good lil' detective and do a good job of bein shackled to the table' sanguine called to him. Valkyrie heard his voice getting nearer and nearer. Her heart thumped against her chest

'Sanguine she is not here!' skulduggery insisted.

' sure she's not. So why were ya'll at her house if she aint here?' sanguine asked. He was definitely in valkyries room now.

Skulduggery didn't reply for a second

' she escaped?' he said in a last attempt, coming clean with himself that Texans were smarter than he'd once deemed them…

Valkyrie slipped her hand out of her pocket and quietly dialled shakras number

'ello dave?' shakra asked from the other end

' I need you over here right now, get fletcher to teleport you into my wardrobe' valkyrie hissed quietly, praying sanguine was too wrapped up in his psychopathic thoughts to hear.

'…kinky much?' shakra asked

' shut up and get fletcher to teleport!' valkyrie sapped and hung up angrily

Three seconds later, the wardrobe was a little more crowded.

' there has to be a light switch here!' fletcher hissed.

' I think theres one on the back wall, try and get it' valkyrie whispered back.

They heard sanguine walk out of the room

' miss cain! I know you're here somewhere! Come out come out wherever you are!' sanguine chided from down the corridor

Valkyrie felt fletcher shudder

' he gives me the creeps' he commented quietly

' he reminds me of papa lazeroo' shakra commented

' there has to be a light switch in here somewhere' fletcher muttered feeling around

Shakra squeaked

'stop! Man handling! Me!' she squeaked, batting fletchers hands away

' whoops! Argh! Sorry!' fletcher squeaked back, loudly

' shhhh!' valkyrie snapped

She heard sanguine stop chiding her

A moment later, he opened the wardrobe, and stared at the odd scene of a three teenagers squashed in.

He stared at shakra

Shakra stared back.

'PHANTOM HAMSTER!' shakra yelled and lunged at sanguine

Valkyrie didn't even stop to register shakras outbreak. She just bounded out of the wardrobe and joined in the fight. A trick she'd learned from skulduggery on some occasions. Act first think later.

Fletcher, on the other hand, paused and slowly closed the wardrobe door again.

Shakra jumped on sanguines back and attempted to get him in a headlock. Epic. Fail. She ended up grabbing onto sanguine for dear life.

Valkyrie remembered skulduggery downstairs and ran to the wardrobe. She flung open the wardrobe door and fletcher squeaked in shock. She grabbed his hand and dragged him downstairs.

Skulduggery was standing in the kitchen, shackled to the metal pole that was helping support the kitchen work top. He was attempting to tug at the shackles and muttering angrily to himself.

'skulduggery!' valkyrie said, relieved.

' oh. Hello. Are you alright?' skulduggery said, stopping trying to break the worktop

' yes im fine. Hold on.' Valkyrie darted to her garage and looked around for something sharp. She picked up a small axe her father had once used to attempt cutting down a tree to use as a Christmas tree one year.

She ran into the kitchen and skulduggery nearly laughed.

' hold the shackles out and try not to get your hands cut of' valkyrie warned

' how dramatic.' Skulduggery said sarcastically and held out the shackles.

Valkyrie took careful aim and swung the little axe down on the metal.

It broke clean down the middle.

' hell yeah!' valkyrie grinned

Skulduggery got up and dropped the broken shackles on the ground

There was a smash and some impressive swearing from upstairs and shakra came tumbling down the stairs and landed in the hall way with a thud.

' ow.' She said

Sanguine rose up from the ground and went for his straight razor but skulduggery drove his hip into sanguines side, landed a punch in his face, disarmed him and flipped him to the floor.

Sanguine groaned and got up slowly. His nose was pumping blood and his sunglasses were broke in numerous places.

' this Isn't the end of it, lil' darlin'' sanguine said, and as he sunk into the ground, he blew valkyrie a kiss

Shakra was still lying face down on the floor, and as sanguines head was just about to disappear, she gave him a polite middle finger.


	76. 18

18

It was the 23rd of December and Valkyrie was standing outside a café In the centre of town waiting for skulduggery. They were meeting to go and buy presents and then they were meeting tanith at the sanctuary.

Valkyrie was freezing.

Strong arms wrapped around her waist from behind her and she turned. Skulduggery grinned and wordlessly pressed his lips to hers

'Good morning' skulduggery grinned when he broke the kiss

'Hey' Valkyrie smiled 'we've got a problem'

'Oh? And what may that be?'

'I don't know what to get Fletcher.'

' what about giving him a hug?'

' ugh. I don't think I could stick that.'

' hmm. Your right. Pokemon toy?'

' good idea.

' of course. Come, we have presents to buy and sanctuary officials to annoy!' skulduggery said dramatically

Valkyrie laughed and kissed skulduggery again. she had a feeling someone was watching them…


	77. 19

18

'can you pass me that fairy with the weird hair, love?'

' its called a halo, mum'

' oh. Right.'

Valkyrie passed her mother the fairy and Melissa perched it on top of the Christmas tree.

' there' Melissa said satisfied, stepping back to admire their work 'that is one pretty tree'

' of course. Wheres dad?'

' trust your father to go out to buy all the food for Christmas dinner….and forget the pudding. He's gone down to tesco to buy one.'

' ah. Smart. Im going upstairs.'

' ok love'

Valkyrie had made a deal with skulduggery. She helped her mother get prepared for the party, and decorate, and then she could send the reflection to the party and go spend time with skulduggery. Finally.

' oh! Before you go, you wouldn't help me put up some tinsel?'

'sure.'

Valkyrie took the tinsel from her mother and stood up on the little step ladder to shape it round a picture frame.

'…steph.' Valkyries mother began hesitantly

' yeah?'

' I saw you in town yesterday'

Valkyrie heart started thumping in her chest

'…really?'

' yes. You were with a man'

'it mustn't of been me' valkyrie said quickly

'Were there any other tall dark haired teenagers with your exact clothes on in town yesterday, then?' her mother asked, raising an eyebrow.

Valkyrie didn't say anything

' Stephanie…is your something your not telling me?' her mother asked, but it seemed like she knew the answer

Valkyrie sighed. she would come clean. Well, tell her as much as was possible…

' I have a boyfriend' valkyrie said, faking embarrassment.

Her mother didn't look surprised, just worried. Very very worried.

' he's a grown man!' she said, only seconds away from yelling

Valkyrie needed to lie more.

' what? Mum. He's 16. he's the same age as me!'

'hmmm' Melissa said, clearly suspicious.

'really? He looked a lot older. Well, from what I saw.'

'….what do you mean from 'what you saw'' valkyrie said, she hadn't seen them- no. she couldn't have…PLEASE say she hadn't seen them…kiss.

' you were kissing!' her mother said, but it was more like she was scrutinizing her.

Oh. No.

' oh. No.' valkyrie said blushing furiously.

' hmmmmmm' her mother said again

' ughhhh'

' he's very tall' her mother mused. ' and looked muscled. 16 year olds usually don't have that figure'

' yep' valkyrie said absently

' well, just be careful.' Her mother warned

' ughh. Muuuum.'

'what!'

' im going up to my room now.' Valkyrie said, slightly irritated.

' ok!' her mother said, bustling into the kitchen.

Valkyrie slouched up the stairs, completely embarrassed.

She let her reflection out of the mirror and called skulduggery

' hey skul. You can come now'

' already waiting'

' impressive. See you in five.'

' sure'

' love you'

' I love me too'

' bye!'

Valkyrie rolled her eyes and went over to her window. She calmed herself and found the space where the air connected. She pushed her palms outwards and lowered herself down to the ground gently.

It was about five pm and it was dark and snowing. Valkyrie pulled her coat tighter around her.

She sprinted down the pier and saw skulduggery sitting in the Bentley waiting for her.

She got in and grinned at him. He grinned back.

' hey' valkyrie said, doing up her seatbelt.

' hello' skulduggery grinned, kissing valkyries cheek

' was decorating fun?' he teased

' don't even ask. We nearly knocked over the Christmas tree.'

Skulduggery laughed

' well everyones at gordons and fletchers making a right mess of decorating the tree…'

' oh god. We better get there quick before he burns the house down…'

' good idea.'

Half an hour later they pulled up at Gordon's and skulduggery put the break on. They sat in the car for a minuet.

' are you bracing yourself to go in?' skulduggery teased

' yes' valkyrie said, smiling slightly at the image of Fletcher tangled In Christmas lights.

' ah. Will this help?' skulduggery asked.

He brushed valkyries hair out of her face and leaned in to kiss her.

Valkyrie wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and the kiss got deeper, skulduggery wrapped his arms tightly around valkyries waist and pulled her to him

Inside, tanith went over to the window to look at the falling snow, and laughed at what she saw

' get a load of that!' she laughed, pointing to the car.

Fletcher came to the window and laughed.

Valkyrie locked her hands in skulduggerys hair and fletcher made a gagging sound

'they're going to get so teased when they come in. thank you for that lovely view, by the way tanith.' Fletcher said dryly.

Tanith grinned.

Skulduggery broke the kiss while they both got their breathing back together

'I think we'll continue this inside' skulduggery said, grinning

'Yep' Valkyrie grinned. They got out of the car and went into the house

'Ooooohhhh!' tanith called when she heard skulduggery and Valkyrie come in

Fletcher wolf whistled

'Shut up!' Valkyrie called back, grinning.

She went up stairs and skulduggery followed.

' the tree doesn't look TOO bad…' valkyrie said, as they walked down the hall

' its still scary'

' I know'

Skulduggery, without warning, took valkyries face in his hands and kissed her.

Valkyrie didn't protest.

' mmmm' she managed before it was impossible to do anything but wrap her arms around skulduggerys neck.

When Valkyrie finally broke the kiss to catch her breath, skulduggery was grinning.

' that was sudden' valkyrie said

Skulduggery looked up at the ceiling and at the mistletoe hanging from a long stream of tinsel.

' I wanted to make the best of that mistletoe, but it seems I don't have to be so sudden…' skulduggery grinned, nodding to the ceiling again

They both turned to face the hall and saw the whole ceiling covered in mistletoe, hanging from golden tinsel.

'who did that?!' valkyrie laughed

' ahh, sometimes I love Fletcher. Most times I hate him. But this time I love him. For a minuet or two.'

'How are we going to get all that down?' valkyrie muttered

'God knows, but I think we should make the most of it now.' Skulduggery said.

He lifted Valkyrie into his arms and kissed her.

When they got to the door of valkyries bedroom he set her down without breaking the kiss. He opened the door and the both sort of stumbled in. its nearly impossible to do normal things when trying not to break a five minuet kiss….

' do you want your present now or later?' skulduggery murmured against valkyries lips

' later.'

Skulduggery chuckled darkly.

Valkyrie sat down on the bed and skulduggery sat beside her. she curled into him.

' merry Christmas valkyrie' skulduggery said softly.

' merry Christmas, skul'

Valkyrie lay down and skulduggery scooted closer to her and curled up with her.

Valkyrie shuddered

' cold?' skulduggery whispered

' yeah' valkyrie said

That was part of the reason, but the other reason was she was so close to skulduggery

Skulduggery pulled the covers over them and pulled Valkyrie closer

' I wonder how long it took for fletcher to put up all that mistletoe…' valkyrie said randomly, looking up at the ceiling.

' a long time' skulduggery said

Valkyrie turned back to skulduggery and smiled

'This has been a good Christmas' skulduggery said, brushing his hand along valkyries face.

'You do realise we should probably go downstairs and socialise?' Valkyrie asked

Skulduggery didn't say anything just kissed valkyries neck

'Ok' Valkyrie said quietly 'screw socialising'


	78. 20

20

'Right, mum, im away!' Valkyrie called to her mother

'Ok…bye love!' Melissa said, although she too, was getting ready to go out…

Valkyrie started down to the pier, but she had a feeling like someone was watching her…

_Meanwhile, Melissa edgely got into her car and started slowly down the road. _

_She knew she shouldn't be following her daughter, but she needed to know more about Stephanie and that man she'd seen in town. _

_She watched as Valkyrie approached a Bentley. A pretty car. A tall man in a suit and a hat got out and grinned at her. _

'Good morning, beautiful weather we're having, isn't it?' skulduggery asked

'Yeah, it's nice, so where are we going?' Valkyrie asked

'To my house.'

'Why?'

'no reason at all, we're just meeting tanith, ghastly and fletcher there.' skulduggery smirked

Valkyrie rolled her eyes

'Men' she sighed

'Crazies' skulduggery said, copying her tone.

Valkyrie hit him playfully and skulduggery dipped in and kissed her.

_Melissa gasped, angry, shocked, confused. _

_He was definitely not sixteen. In his twenties. 25, maybe. _

_She watched Stephanie get into the car and the man get in the other side. _

_Well, he was definitely over 17, he could drive, and he had an incredibly expensive car. _

_They started driving away. _

_Where were they going?_

_Where was Stephanie going with that man?_

_How did she know him? _

_What was happening?_

_Melissa put the car in gear and started down the road after them, a safe distance away. _

Valkyrie shivered

'What's the matter?' skulduggery asked

'I feel like someone's following us' Valkyrie said hesitantly

Skulduggery looked around and shrugged

'I don't have that feeling' he said, but the speed monitor rose up to 60

'Let's just get to your house' Valkyrie said

Later on, they pulled up skulduggery's driveway and skulduggery cut the engine.

_Melissa parked a safe distance down the road but she could still see inside the house from her position. _

_She watched Stephanie get out of the car with that man and they went into the house, laughing and talking. _

_Maybe she was happy with that man, Melissa thought. _

_Maybe…maybe it didn't matter what age the man was, as long as they were happy and Stephanie knew what she was getting herself into and that they were being…responsible._

_She watched them both walk into the front room, where the curtains were wide open. _

_The man said something and Stephanie's grin got wider, _

_They were standing too close for Melissa's liking. _

_Stephanie put her arms around the mans neck and kissed him. The man responded by wrapping his arms around Stephanie's waist._

_Ok, any understanding Melissa had for the pair had just vanished. Completely. _

_Angry, and still a little shocked, she started to pull away, until she saw a motorbike pull up the driveway and two people get of it. They pulled of their helmets and Melissa gasped. One was a woman, about the same age as the man Stephanie was kissing, and the other man was covered in scars. A boy, maybe only a year or two older than valkyrie just appeared out of thin air. Stephanie and the other man came to the door and the blond woman gave Stephanie a hug. The teen blonde boy said something to Stephanie and she elbowed him in the ribs, laughing. _

_Stephanie got on the motorbike with the blonde woman and the scar man and the man Stephanie was with got into the fancy car. The teenage boy climbed in the back of the car _

_Melissa was horrified. _

_What was happening?_

_Stephanie put on the spare helmet and she and the other woman sped down the road on a motor bike. The expensive car followed. _

as tanith and herself started down the driveway and turned out onto the main road, valkyrie looked round, and spotted her mother, sitting in the car, staring at them all.


	79. 21

20

'Right, mum, im away!' Valkyrie called to her mother

'Ok…bye love!' Melissa said, although she too, was getting ready to go out…

Valkyrie started down to the pier, but she had a feeling like someone was watching her…

_Meanwhile, Melissa edgely got into her car and started slowly down the road. _

_She knew she shouldn't be following her daughter, but she needed to know more about Stephanie and that man she'd seen in town. _

_She watched as Valkyrie approached a Bentley. A pretty car. A tall man in a suit and a hat got out and grinned at her. _

'Good morning, beautiful weather we're having, isn't it?' skulduggery asked

'Yeah, it's nice, so where are we going?' Valkyrie asked

'To my house.'

'Why?'

'no reason at all, we're just meeting tanith, ghastly and fletcher there.' skulduggery smirked

Valkyrie rolled her eyes

'Men' she sighed

'Crazies' skulduggery said, copying her tone.

Valkyrie hit him playfully and skulduggery dipped in and kissed her.

_Melissa gasped, angry, shocked, confused. _

_He was definitely not sixteen. In his twenties. 25, maybe. _

_She watched Stephanie get into the car and the man get in the other side. _

_Well, he was definitely over 17, he could drive, and he had an incredibly expensive car. _

_They started driving away. _

_Where were they going?_

_Where was Stephanie going with that man?_

_How did she know him? _

_What was happening?_

_Melissa put the car in gear and started down the road after them, a safe distance away. _

Valkyrie shivered

'What's the matter?' skulduggery asked

'I feel like someone's following us' Valkyrie said hesitantly

Skulduggery looked around and shrugged

'I don't have that feeling' he said, but the speed monitor rose up to 60

'Let's just get to your house' Valkyrie said

Later on, they pulled up skulduggery's driveway and skulduggery cut the engine.

_Melissa parked a safe distance down the road but she could still see inside the house from her position. _

_She watched Stephanie get out of the car with that man and they went into the house, laughing and talking. _

_Maybe she was happy with that man, Melissa thought. _

_Maybe…maybe it didn't matter what age the man was, as long as they were happy and Stephanie knew what she was getting herself into and that they were being…responsible._

_She watched them both walk into the front room, where the curtains were wide open. _

_The man said something and Stephanie's grin got wider, _

_They were standing too close for Melissa's liking. _

_Stephanie put her arms around the mans neck and kissed him. The man responded by wrapping his arms around Stephanie's waist._

_Ok, any understanding Melissa had for the pair had just vanished. Completely. _

_Angry, and still a little shocked, she started to pull away, until she saw a motorbike pull up the driveway and two people get of it. They pulled of their helmets and Melissa gasped. One was a woman, about the same age as the man Stephanie was kissing, and the other man was covered in scars. A boy, maybe only a year or two older than valkyrie just appeared out of thin air. Stephanie and the other man came to the door and the blond woman gave Stephanie a hug. The teen blonde boy said something to Stephanie and she elbowed him in the ribs, laughing. _

_Stephanie got on the motorbike with the blonde woman and the scar man and the man Stephanie was with got into the fancy car. The teenage boy climbed in the back of the car _

_Melissa was horrified. _

_What was happening?_

_Stephanie put on the spare helmet and she and the other woman sped down the road on a motor bike. The expensive car followed. _

as tanith and herself started down the driveway and turned out onto the main road, valkyrie looked round, and spotted her mother, sitting in the car, staring at them all.


	80. 22

22

' hi' valkyrie grinned when she got into the car

' hello' skulduggery said brightly. 'sleep well?'

' I got four hours of sleep'

' nightmares?'

' always'

' well, I have something for you'

' oh' valkyrie said, surprised

Skulduggery reached into the back of the car and pulled out a small brown paper parcel

' what is it?'

' open it' skulduggery mumbled. He sounded embarrassed.

Valkyrie opened the parcel and gasped

' oh, skulduggery, its beautiful' valkyrie sighed, tracing her fingers over the delicate and perfect, dream catcher.

' im glad you like it'

' thank you so much' valkyrie smiled

It had dark blue, dark green, dark red, and dark yellow string and wool, threaded in beautiful designs all through it. And it had lots of bead and feathers on it. There was a rainbow coloured string to tie it up with.

There were three buttons threaded on as well and as they revolved, valkyrie caught the words etched into them.

_Sweet dreams valkyrie _

Valkyrie gasped again and flung her arms around skulduggerys neck

Skulduggery hesitated and then wrapped his arms around valkyries waist, hugging her back.

Valkyrie laughed and pulled away.

' so its ok then?' skulduggery asked

' its perfect. How did you get those…' valkyrie pointed to the little words

'…I had it made for you' skulduggery said, sounding very embarrassed

' god I love you' valkyrie said. She tried not to blush

Skulduggery laughed

'Tomorrow, you'll say you hate me'

' naturally'

She brushed her hands over a couple of the feathers and one came out

' oops' she muttered

She grinned and turned to skulduggery

' don't even-' skulduggery started but valkyrie grabbed his hat of his head and stuck the feather in the band

She grinned

' you expect me to wear that in my hat?' skulduggery sighed

' yep' valkyrie grinned

Skulduggery took the feather out of his hat and brushed his hands through valkyries hair

Valkyrie wondered what he was doing until he sat back and nodded satisfied

' there' he said, and valkyrie knew he'd be grinning is he could

Valkyrie looked in the left wing mirror and rolled her eyes. The white feather was wrapped up in her hair.

' I cant get it out!' she laughed. The feather was completely tangled in her hair

' here, I'll get it. Your hopeless, you know that?' skulduggery

'Always' Valkyrie laughed

She leaned over to skulduggery so he could get at her hair. Skulduggery leaned into her too and Valkyrie tried not to blush. It didn't work.

In a matter of seconds skulduggery had the feather out of her hair

'There' he said, brushing hair out of valkyries face

'thank you' she smiled again

' your very welcome' skulduggery said softly

Valkyrie realised they were incredibly close and took a deep breath

She quickly kissed skulduggery on his cheek and pulled away, looking down at her new dream catcher on her lap.

She felt something on her head and realised skulduggery was brushing his hands through her hair softly.

He caressed her cheek softly and down her neck and then turned away, slightly embarrassed and started the car. Valkyrie smiled and blushed.

As they drove on for a bit, valkyrie was sure she saw skulduggery flash her a grin.


	81. 23

23

_19. _valkyrie thought. _Where did the last seven years go? _

She smiled to herself. Who knew where they'd gone, but they'd been great.

She was sitting in skulduggerys living room texting tanith.

Skulduggery said he had to go out and get something and he'd be back in five minuets.

_Happy b-day val ! xo_

Valkyrie smiled and texted back

_Thnx tanith :3 _

_So what has skul got u thn? _

_I duno :L to be honest I jst wnt him 2 say…ya no.._

_Yep, I no. :D_

_Oi! Wats with tha smiley?! Im nt xactly enjoyin dis!_

_I no sumfin u dnt…_

_Tell me!_

_NEVER! _

_Plz?_

_Nope :3 but I CAN tell you, I THINK he feels da sme way…_

_Taaniittthh!_

_Nope! Soz, g2g I dnt think guild likez me txtin wen hes tryin to talk to me…enjoy yer b-day! Xoxo_

_Lol. Xo :3 bye! _

At that moment, she heard the front door open and skulduggery came in.

He came into the living room.

' hello' he said brightly.

' hey' valkyrie smiled

' I have something for you don't attack me, ok?' skulduggery asked, coming up behind valkyrie

' uh, ok' valkyrie smiled

Skulduggery covered valkyries eyes with his hands and started her walking.

' where are you taking me?'

' yes, like im going to tell you.'

Valkyrie sighed and smiled.

Valkyrie heard the door open and close and the cold air stunned her for a second.

'its freezing!' she laughed

'You'll only be out here for a moment, I promise' skulduggery laughed. He sounded excited

'Ok, open your eyes now' skulduggery said, a grin clear in his voice.

Skulduggery took his hands from her face and went to stand close beside her.

Valkyrie gasped.

' no…way.' She said, completely stunned

' happy birthday val' skulduggery said softly.

' skulduggery, you got me a CAR!' valkyrie gasped

It was small and black with the Bentley badge on it, parked proudly beside skulduggery bigger Bentley.

' I did' skulduggery said ' oh, you'll be needing these' he dropped a set of car keys into valkyries hand. There was a clear key ring attached containing a picture of skulduggery and valkyrie, who was wearing skulduggerys hat. Skulduggery was hugging her.

' that's from tanith' he said, tapping the key ring. He looked at the car and sighed. 'and so's the fluffy dice'

Valkyrie looked at her beautiful car again, laughed at the pink fluffy dice in the window, and freaked out all over again.

' skulduggery you got me a CAR!' valkyrie laughed again

' I thought we'd already established that' skulduggery said, completely amused.

' yeah, but, still. Why did you get me a CAR?!'

' do you like it?'

' I LOVE it! Its so pretty!'

Valkyrie turned round and flew into skulduggery's arms

' I cannot thank you enough' valkyrie said softly, nuzzling into skulduggery's shoulder.

Skulduggery chuckled and hesitantly wrapped his arms around Valkyrie, hugging her back.

'It's a continental' skulduggery said, not in a hurry to let go of valkyrie 'its just like mine, same model, just the smaller version. Made in 1954.'

'Skulduggery, its…amazing and definitely the most perfect present of all time and before that.'

' im gad you like it. It's a bit old but its never been driven before'

' I like older things'

Skulduggery didn't respond.

Valkyrie broke away to gaze at her car.

She shivered

'I love it, but we should probably go in soon. Its really cold.'

She felt a weight on her shoulders and smiled. She pulled skulduggery's coat tighter around her.

'Thanks' she said

'I AM quite the gentleman' skulduggery shrugged

Valkyrie laughed and curled into him again.

' thank you _so _much'

' it was my pleasure, just seeing your face was exquisite'

' my face is exquisite anyway' valkyrie grinned dramatically posing, and then flourishing over to her beautiful car and getting in.

Skulduggery chuckled

'You're exquisite all the time' he said softly


	82. 24

24

'Well of course im sure it was her, beryl! I followed her down to the bloody pier!' Melissa cried, distressed

'I never liked the people she mixes with anyway' beryl said, distaste in her tone

Melissa stopped her ranting.

'w-what do you mean 'the people she mixes with?'' Melissa said quietly

'When Stephanie stayed with us when you and Desmond were in Paris, a woman in her twenties came to the door requesting to speak to Stephanie. She pushed past me and asked Stephanie if she'd seen someone called _val. _then she left and got into a car with that man from the solicitors office. She was all muscled and in too tight clothes. She had a sword for god's sake!'

'This can't be happening' Melissa said, stressing again.

She paused.

'The…man from the solicitor's office?' she said quietly

'…yes. Melissa? What is the matter?'

'What type of car did the woman get in?'

'Well…it was a Bentley, I think. Looked like an old model. Black. Very expensive.'

'Oh god' Melissa panicked; her hand flew to her mouth.

'What _ever _is the matter, Melissa?'

'Stephanie…she's…I think she's…I think she's seeing him'

'What_?!' _beryl choked 'he's a grown man! And she was an older woman! She is mixing with the wrong people, Melissa, and we are going to stop it. I refuse to see Stephanie mix with the wrong people. We don't want her turning out like Gordon.' Beryl said firmly

' beryl, _how_? Stephanie looked so…_happy _with them.'

' was it just those two people you saw with her?'

' no, no there was another man, with scars all over his face, and a young boy, about 19'

' this must be stopped'

' _how?_'

Beryl stood for a minuet, then got up.

' we're going to the pier' she said, and put her coat on

* * *

Half an hour later, beryl and Melissa stood near the pier, just out of sight.

'they'll never come' Melissa groaned

' nonsense. I think this is the car now…' beryl said

Melissa stared.

It was the car.

* * *

' well, I'll see you tomorrow' skulduggery said

' yep' valkyrie smiled

' I think tanith is determined to show you how to ride her motorbike, god help us all…'

' haha. Laughing. My. Ass. Off. ' valkyrie said dryly

' goodnight' skulduggery said softly. He kissed valkyrie and then broke away

' you can say goodbye in a minuet' valkyrie murmured and pulled skulduggery back

_Beryl gasped_

' _no' she said_

' _yes' Melissa said grimly. _

'_right' beryl said sternly. She stepped out from her hiding place and stood over by a lamp post, in full view. Melissa hesitantly joined her. they sternly looked at the two. _

Valkyrie broke the kiss and pressed her forehead to skulduggerys.

' I love you' valkyrie smiled

' I _adore _you' skulduggery grinned. He kissed the top of valkyries head and let go of her.

Valkyrie smiled, dazed, and turned to get out of the car when she caught sight or her mother, and her lovely aunt glaring at her and skulduggery.

' hell' valkyrie said

' what?' skulduggery asked

' b-beryl….m-m-m-um!' valkyrie screeched

Skulduggery stared at beryl and valkyries mother and turned to valkyrie

' I think its time to choose' skulduggery said quietly

Valkyrie stared at him, and tried not to cry

' I don't have to think about it' valkyrie said, her voice breaking.

' valkyrie…don't do anything…irrational' skulduggery said

' I love my parents, and whatever I do, I'll stay in contact with them…but I cant live without you.' Valkyrie said, not able to talk properly without her voice breaking.

Skulduggery looked at her with so many different emotions in his eyes

'Are you _sure?' _skulduggery asked, almost stern

Valkyrie took a deep breath

' I _belong_ in the world of magic. I belong with you. Im sure' she said

Skulduggery bit his lip and then nodded.

He got out of the car

' what are you doing?' valkyrie hissed

' you have to say goodbye' skulduggery said softly

Valkyrie looked up at him and nodded

They walked hand in hand towards beryl and valkyries mother and when beryl and Melissa were a meter away from them, they stopped

'What the bloody hell do you think your doing?!' Melissa cried

'Mum' valkyrie said softly, trying not to cry ' just listen to me'

'You better give me a good explanation for all this' Melissa snapped, but it was half hearted. Everyone knew she was more worried than angry.

She glared at skulduggery, as did beryl.

Skulduggery kept his eyes on valkyries face.

' mum, I…I have to leave. Im part of…I have different friends. And we…we sort of…like, protect everyone. And we….can do…things that other people cant do, like…like this.' Valkyrie produced a flame in her palm and skulduggery did the same.

Beryl and valkyries mother gasped.

' so…so I have to leave, to protect you. To protect everyone. You have no idea how much I love you all. But….but I have skulduggery…and I love him. And I know he'll keep me safe. He always does.' Valkyrie laughed through her tears

'Stephanie…' Melissa choked

'Mum, you h-h-have to understand. It's to keep you all safe'

Melissa looked at her daughter for a long time.

' your just like gordon' Melissa sighed, crying too ' I always knew he was part of something….different. I see…that youre like him too. And I know that…your sensible, and strong, and responsible, and you seem to know what your doing….so im not arguing with you.' Melissa sobbed. She turned to skulduggery

' mr pleasant' she said

Skulduggery looked up, and was stunned to see his eyes moist. His expression grim.

' yes?' he asked. His voice broke

' I know... even if ive only seen you once, that you are a good person, so….so look after my girl. Keep her safe. Can I trust you?'

Skulduggery took a deep breath and nodded

' you have my word. I'll always look after her'

Melissa nodded and pulled valkyrie into a crushing hug.

' I love you, Stephanie' Melissa said quietly

' im called valkyrie. valkyrie cain.' Valkyrie blurted out

' oh.'

' can find out my real name and use it against me'

' oh.'

' mum, I love you'

' oh stephanie'

Valkyrie sobbed and stepped back

She hugged beryl

' I love you' valkyrie sobbed

' oh, Stephanie, dear…I love you too' beryl said, and hugged her back briefly.

Valkyrie broke apart and sobbed again

' call me any time' she said quietly, then waved and walked away.

Skulduggery put his arms tight around Valkyrie and they drove home in silence.

They walked in the door and Valkyrie walked silently up to her room. Skulduggery followed, keeping his arms around her, and valkyrie collapsed onto her bed, and cried.


	83. 25

25

_It's all a game of this or that, now versus then  
better off against worse for wear  
And you're someone who knows someone who knows someone I once knew  
And I just want to be a part of this_

The road outside my house is paved with good intentions  
Hired a construction crew, 'cause it's hell on the engine  
You are the dreamer and we are the dream.  
I could write it better than you ever felt it.

So hum hallelujah  
Just off the key of reason  
I thought I loved you  
It was just how you looked in the light.  
A teenage vow in a parking lot  
"Till tonight do us part"  
I sing the blues and swallow them too

Valkyrie lay on her bed listening to hum hallelujah. Her favourite fall out boy song.

There was a tap on her door. Then the tap turned into a knock. Then the knock got louder. Then louder. Till there was pounding on the door. Then flaring rhythm rammed straight through the door, aiming to catapult onto the bed where valkyrie was sitting, and landing a few metres away on her face.

' smegging microsoft' flaring muttered as she got up, dusting herself of

' what the hell?!' valkyrie shouted, sitting up.

Flaring stopped muttering to herself, thought for a second, then started ranting

' fletcher! Skulduggery! Crux! Annoyed! Laughing! Fight! Fletcher! Skulduggery! Jail! Shit!' flaring yelped. She landed on the floor again.

' what?' valkyrie asked, confused

' skulduggery went to the sanctuary, and fletcher came too, to annoy him. I came to annoy fletcher and skulduggery They met crux, they pissed of crux, I pissed of crux, crux got pissed off, crux arrested fletcher, crux arrested skulduggery, crux tried to arrest me, but I kicked him, skulduggery tried to kick him, but a cleaver got skulduggery, fletcher just squealed, so now their in a holding cell together, god help them, and I am coming here because Ive forgotten where the holding cells are!' flaring squealed. She took a deep breath.

' ok…'

' so we need to go!' flaring yelled.

' how did you get here?' valkyrie asked, the question just dawning on her

' I fucking RAN' flaring panted

' ah'

Valkyrie grabbed her coat and her and flaring started down to the sanctuary.

_Shakra flame hummed spy music to herself as her and druna crawled along the floor in spy mode, right in the middle of the sanctuary, crowbars sticking out of their back packs. _

_They were, unfortunately, in full view of everybody, because they were crawling smack bang in the middle of the floor, dressed all in black, wearing backpacks containing whisky, a couple of paperbacks, a flap jack, some crowbars, water pistols, explosives, and pigeons, courtesy of flaring rhythm. They were also humming spy music. _

_Nobody really considered them as a real threat. Of course, they seriously underestimated the power of insane associates of skulduggery pleasant. _

Flaring and valkyrie burst into the foyer of the sanctuary where hundreds of sorcerers were minding their own business

' look! Theres druna and Shakra!' flaring said excitedly, pointing into the crowd

' we need to get them' valkyrie said

' I have a plan' flaring said menacingly

She got up onto a statue of meritorious and smiled.

' NOBODY MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!' she yelled

Everybody stopped and stared

' is that your cat?' she asked, pointing to the ceiling. Everybody turned, even the cleavers, and flaring and valkyrie darted

Shakra and druna stood as everyone was searching for a cat on the ceiling.

' well done, malice, you've officially humiliated most of Irelands sorcerers at once' druna said, shaking flarings ear.

' of course' flaring said, and they all ran.

They got to the holding cells where staven weeper was sitting at the desk

He stood up and scowled

' you lot' he spat

' uh, hi' druna said. She walked up to him

' your all under arrest' staven hissed

' DO YOU KNOW WHO I THINK I AM?!' druna shouted

' what?' staven asked, confused.

'is that your cat?' flaring asked, pointing to the ceiling. Weeper looked up.

Shakra ducked down and tied weeper's shoelaces.

Flaring tapped his shoulder.

He looked down at her.

'what ca-' but staven was cut of by flaring punching his extremely hard right between the eyes

' I like batterys' weeper smiled stupidly, then collapsed

' wow' valkyrie said, staring at flaring 'how the hell did you hit him so hard?'

Flaring shrugged

' I won a chess game against mr bliss once…well. Before he was killed by one of sevs girlfriends'

' oi! Faceless ones are NOT sevs girlfriends!' shakra said angrily ' I take that position!'

' meh' flaring shrugged, then they all darted to the cells

' fletcher, biting the wall wont help us escape!' everyone heard a voice snap

' skulduggery!' valkyrie shouted

There was silence, then, 'valkyrie? where are you?!' skulduggery called, relieved.

' coming to get you out of there, and fletcher, if we have time'

' oh, good'

Druna and shakra produced their crowbars.

Shakra looked at hers for a long while, then walked over to a cell. She peered in and saw skulduggery leaning against the wall and fletcher laying underneath the small bed.

She looked at the crowbar again, thinking, then began whacking the cell door with it

'Shakra, Shakra! Stop it!' Valkyrie cried. She grabbed the crow bar of the deranged Shakra and stuck it in the lock.

She hauled down on the crow bar, twisted it about a bit, and the lock broke awkwardly. Valkyrie pulled the door open and Fletcher fell out and hugged valkyries leg

'Don't send me in their again!' he wailed

Valkyrie rolled her eyes

'Fletcher, you're not going back to jail you moron, get up.'

Fletcher sniffed, let go of valkyries leg, and got up.

They ran through the sanctuary and soon three cleavers were on their tale.

Shakra grabbed a sorcerer by the coat lapels and threw him into the path of the cleavers.

' sorry shrew keeper!' she yelled and they kept running.

' close the door!' remus crux bellowed angrily.

The huge stone door started to rumble closed but everyone dived through in time, landing on the cold stone ground.

Everyone was silent for a minuet, a little stunned, then Shakra scrambled to her feet and punched her fist in the air

'FUCK yeah!'


	84. 26

26

Valkyrie sat at her desk 'doing homework' when there was a tap on her window

She looked up and skulduggery waved at her.

Valkyrie stuck out her tongue and went to open the window

Skulduggery climbed through and took his hat of, putting it on valkyrie head instead

' hmmm' valkyrie said, looking at herself in the mirror 'I might just keep this'

' you try, and I'll hurt you'

' bring it'

'your too confident for your own good' skulduggery said menacingly and lunged at her

Valkyrie screamed and stuck her hands out in front of her face, thinking of nothing better to do, and skulduggery grabbed her and got her in a head lock.

'Ow ow ow!' Valkyrie squealed, falling to her knees

Skulduggery laughed and let go of her

'Epic. Fail' he sighed

Valkyrie went into a laughing fit on the floor and skulduggery shook his head silently

'Valkyrie, I am disappointed in you, what type of defence is that?' skulduggery laughed imitating valkyries flailing

Valkyrie laughed harder

'The….awesome….type!' she gasped

Skulduggery kneeled down beside her, one hand on one side of her, one hand on the other, and they were dangerously close.

' where did all your training go?' he mocked

' oh god knows. It fell out the window or something' valkyrie grinned

' I thought so. You might have to go after it'

'what ?'

Skulduggery grabbed valkyries hands and pulled her up. he wrapped his arms around her waist and carried her over to the open window.

Valkyrie started squealing as he dangled out the window

' do you see your training down there anywhere?' skulduggery asked over the screaming

' arghhhhh!' valkyrie screamed

Skulduggery laughed and set Valkyrie down on the very edge of the window sill.

Valkyrie whirled round and lost her balance. Skulduggery caught her and they both tried to stand, then their feet got tangled and they fell

' I hate you' valkyrie said. Then she realised the situation

The situation, being skulduggery on top of valkyrie….on the ground. Right.

' out of all the people that adore me, YOU of all people doesn't? im hurt'

' you'll be physically hurt in a minuet' valkyrie smiled evilly

' im scared'

Valkyrie raised her eyebrow but said nothing

Skulduggery looked at her for a long, long time. Valkyrie looked back.

Then there was a knock on the door, which basically messed up everything.

' Stephanie?' valkyries mother called ' who are you talking too?'

Skulduggery got up quickly and climbed out the window silently

Valkyrie turned and looked out after him. She smiled.


	85. 27, the Final One

27

' I refuse!' fletcher yelled

' aw come on! You look cute!' valkyrie crooned, squeezing fletchers cheek

' no! I! do! Not!'

'who is lady gaga anyway?' skulduggery asked, standing in the cornor, amused

' shes a nut case!' fletcher shouted angrily

' well, her look suits you' valkyrie muttered

' I hate you'

' oh, its not that bad, and its only trick or treating'

Fletcher sighed, and stood up.

He was dressed in a tight leather jump suit, made up of red leather straps, he was wearing blue and silver lip stick, and 8 inch tall yellow high heels with pictures of fish on them. He had a long blonde wig on and the make up? we'll not even go there….

' Im not doing it' fletcher said stubbornly, putting his hand on his hip and pouting.

Shakra jumped up in front of him and there was a flash and then evil cackling

' bebo' shakra smiled, sitting at the laptop 'say hello to lady gaga, the shemale'

' nooooooo!'


	86. Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol

Chasing cars- snow patrol

' I have to introduce you to modern music, skulduggery' valkyrie said, flicking through her ipod for good songs

'Valkyrie, the last time you 'introduced me to modern music' I would've had a life threatening head ache if I was capable of having a head ache' skulduggery said

' well, yeah, but that was fall out boy, and you KNOW you sort of liked them' valkyrie complained

' no way'

' plllllleeeaaaasseeee?' valkyrie whined

' oh for gods sake….just one song. Ok?'

'Whoop! I promise I'll go easy on you'

Skulduggery groaned

Valkyrie flicked through her songs and found one she liked.

She didn't really like the band but this song was kind of pretty

Chasing cars by snow patrol came on and filled the car with acoustic guitar

_We'll do it all  
Everything  
On our own_

We don't need  
Anything  
Or anyone

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me  
And just forget the world?

I don't quite know  
How to say  
How I feel

Those three words  
Are said too much  
They're not enough

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me  
And just forget the world?

' ive heard that song before. On the radio once' skulduggery said ' I love it, to be honest'

' well good. It is forever out song'

Skulduggery nodded

' our song'

* * *

When Valkyrie got home, she went up to her room to change, and the phone rang

' hello?' she asked

' Stephanie! Hi! Its gary. Gary price?'

' oh, yeah, hi gary' valkyrie said.

She used to fancy him for a while, until she fell for someone else…

'I was wondering….Theres a dance tomorrow night at school…..do you want to go with me?'

Any other day, Valkyrie would've been thrilled, but not now.

' erm….uh….'

' please?'

_Oh for gods sake…. Valkyrie thought. _

' yeah…ok' valkyrie sighed

'great, I'll meet you at the school'

Then the phone line went dead

* * *

Valkyrie knew skulduggery was actually really pissed when Valkyrie told her about the dance and her 'date', but all he'd done was mutter, and act a little cold towards the whole thing

Skulduggery dropped her off just outside the school

' have fun valkyrie' skulduggery sighed, sounding regretful

' dancing and annoying teenagers? Likely' valkyrie sighed

' well you look beautiful'

Valkyrie blushed

' thanks. Pick me up as early as humanly possible, ok?'

Skulduggery laughed once

' I'll try'

Valkyrie smiled at him and got out of the car

She was wearing a red, black and silver dress, quite short with one shoulder, and black converse. She decided not to injure herself any more in heals

* * *

Half an hour into the dance, and the dj announced everybody had to do a slow dance

Valkyrie sighed, annoyed, as gary took her hands and held her to him.

Valkyrie was NOT enjoying this.

A song came on which stopped Valkyrie dead in the middle of the awful slow dance

_We'll do it all  
Everything  
On our own_

We don't need  
Anything  
Or anyone

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me  
And just forget the world?

I don't quite know  
How to say  
how I feel  


Her and skulduggery's song.

She imagined skulduggery sitting at Gordon's, alone, waiting for her to come back and Valkyrie felt awful.

She let go of Gary and looked up at him apologetically.

'What wrong?' Gary asked

'Im really sorry, but I have to go' Valkyrie said.

'What?'

Valkyrie didn't answer, just ran out of the hall and out into the night.

Gary didn't come after her.

It was pouring with rain, but Valkyrie didn't mind.

She walked down street after street, thinking of what she was going to do. What she was going to say. What she had just done.

She knew it would've never worked with Gary anyway. He wasn't magic. She was. And she knew if they had of stayed together, it would've been hell for Valkyrie, because she didn't belong in the non-magical community.

She didn't really know WHY she'd just walked out, but she knew it was the right thing to do. It was also highly irrational and non thought out.

The rain continued to pour and soaked Valkyrie and she stopped.

What was she going to say to skulduggery when she got home? She'd just walked out of her school and into the pouring rain for a skeleton.

Valkyrie didn't go any deeper into the situation, she just ran.

When she got up the drive way to Gordon's, she was soaked and shivering.

She came up the door step, and skulduggery was at the door before she could knock

' valkyrie? what happened?' skulduggery asked. He sounded relieved she was home, but worried she actually WAS home…

' I just…realised something' she mumbled

Skulduggery looked at her for a while, then held the door wider for her

'Come on, you must be freezing.' He said, putting his arm around her shoulders and leading her in.

Valkyrie shivered and followed him in.

'So why did you run home in the rain?' skulduggery asked. He sounded slightly amused, but worried.

Valkyrie shrugged.

'ah, is it one of those ' if I told you I'd have to kill you' things?' skulduggery asked

A smile cracked across valkyries face

'Yep' she smiled

'well, I have no desire to be killed…again, so I'll not ask.'

' thanks'

Skulduggery flexed his palm out and the water collected in a mist above valkyries head and dropped to the ground.

' thanks' valkyrie mumbled again, getting onto the sofa and curling up, pulling a blanket round her that was on the floor. As most of valkyries things were.

Skulduggery sat down beside her and looked at her.

Valkyrie pretended not to notice, and looked ahead, conjuring a small flame and looking at it.

' is there something you want to tell me?' skulduggery asked suddenly.

Valkyrie responded in a way that shocked even her.

'There's a lot of things I want to tell you, pleasant, but I can't' she said, smirking slightly.

That shut skulduggery up…for a second.

It shut valkyrie up, too.

' valkyrie…' he began, but didn't really know what to say.

' look, you've shut up, which is a first, so im going to appreciate this wonderful peace AND seize this opportunity to tell you something I haven't told you before. And please do not do anything irrational like not doing anything.'

Valkyrie didn't say anything for a second

' ok' she said.

'right. Yes, ok' skulduggery paused 'actually never mind' he mumbled. ' just one thing though…are you sure youre alright?'

Valkyrie felt her heart sink and she nodded once

' yes…no. maybe…no.' she said, tears stinging her eyes. Then she got up and walked swiftly out of the room.

Stood up, and looked out the window for a long time. Before he sighed. and sat down to sleep.


	87. Toxic, A Static Lullaby

toxic- a static lullaby

skulduggery sat on the sofa at gordons house. alone, and pretty bored.

Tanith had dragged valkyrie out shopping for a sword, god help the public, ghastly was keeping himself busy with making clothes, and fletcher was trying to fix his xbox in the garage, but skulduggery didn't really have any desire to spend time with fletcher. He was a nice lad and all, Sweet and good natured, but very annoying…

He fiddled with his iphone for a while and the decided to play some music. He wasn't used to the silence because it was usually filled with the sound of valkyrie laughing or yelling at fletcher….

His iphone had speakers on it because he couldn't use ear phones.

he put it on shuffle and the first song that came on was surprising.

Toxic- by a static lullaby.

Skulduggery REALLY had to get valkyrie to stop downloading loud music onto his iphone…

_Baby, can't you see?  
I'm calling  
A girl like you should wear a warning  
It's dangerous  
I'm falling_

There's no escape  
I can't wait  
I need a hit  
Baby, give me it  
You're dangerous  
I'm loving it

Too high  
Can't come down  
Losin' my head  
Spinnin' 'round and 'round  
Do you feel me now?

With the taste of your lips I'm on a ride  
You're toxic I'm slippin' under  
With the taste of the poison paradise  
I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?  
And I love what you do, don't you know that you're toxic?

It's gettin' late  
To give you up  
I took a sip  
From my Devil's cup  
Slowly, it's taking over me

Too high  
Can't come down  
It's in the air and it's all around  
Can you feel it now?

With the taste of your lips I'm on a ride  
You're toxic I'm slippin' under  
With the taste of the poison paradise  
I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?  
And I love what you do, don't you know that you're toxic?

With the taste of your lips I'm on a ride  
You're toxic I'm slippin' under  
With the taste of the poison paradise  
I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?

With the taste of your lips I'm on a ride  
You're toxic I'm slippin' under  
With the taste of the poison paradise  
I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?  
And I love what you do, don't you know that you're toxic?

The song faded away and skulduggery nodded to himself.

_that, _he thought_, pretty much describes how I feel to valkyrie…_


	88. The Torment, Monster Eats the Pilot

The torment of Edward Cullen- monster eats the pilot

Edward cullen, didn't have a normal life, per say, but he had a good life, and a pretty deranged but great family.

Of course, even though his mother had jumped of a cliff, his father hid in potatoe peelings for three days, his sister alice woke up one day in an asylum, he loved them all.

'ello dave?' came a scary voice from right beside him

He yelped and turned round to face three crazy girls all in top hats, tail coats, and paramore t-shirts

His first instinct was to read their minds but all he could hear from all three girls was __

Which was less then normal to hear…

'who are you people?' he asked

' we, kind lady, are your worst nightmares….or uh,' flaring faltered 'we WOULD be your worst nightmares….if you could, uh, sleep….you know. So we're you're worst…non existence nightmares…..ah screw it, GET 'EM!!!!!'

Druna and Shakra lunged at the terrified fairycake and had him tied in seconds. They shoved an apple in his mouth, which they found hilariously ironic because of the cover of 'twilight'

Cullen struggled to break free, spitting the apple out of his mouth.

'What have you tied me up with?!' he cried angrily

'Resolute thread, courtesy of skulduggery pleasant.' Flaring grinned

'Who are you people, really?' he sighed

'Pigeons, attack!' flaring yelled

'What?'

At that moment, about a hundred pigeons flew into the room, cooing excitedly.

' oh good god'


	89. It's Time To Dance, Panic! At The Disco

Time to dance- panic! At the disco

The dress Valkyrie was wearing was long and far too revealing for valkyries liking. It was mainly black with two think stripes of red and silver down it. The top was tight and it flowed out beautifully at the bottom. It was strapless, but all Valkyrie really did was scowl at herself in the mirror. Her hair was hanging down normally, but curled or crimped in some places. And her make up consisted of eyeliner and mascara, mainly because that was all tanith could force on Valkyrie before she ran for it.

The door opened and tanith poked her head round the corner and grinned.

' wow' she grinned

Valkyrie scowled

' I hate dresses' she sighed

' well, you look amazing' tanith grinned, coming in.

Tanith was wearing a dark blue long dress that clung tightly to her. he hair was in a looses bun with little strands hanging down.

' so do you' valkyrie smiled

'Thanks. This'll be so fun! I can't believe the sanctuary is having a Yule_ ball_! Its so Hogwarts'

Valkyrie laughed

'Yeah, completely fun'

Tanith rolled her eyes

'Come on, it's a chance to chat up hot young mages!' tanith grinned, winking.

'Oh yeah' valkyrie grinned, then checked her watch 'oh crap! Skulduggery's gona be here any minuet! Tanith, I do NOT want to go to this dance'

'tough, you're going, so suck it up'

Valkyrie groaned

' well, Im of' tanith smiled

' where are you going?' valkyrie asked

'ghastlys giving me a lift' she motioned to the window 'he's here'

' no he's not'

Tanith paused dramatically, and there was a knock at the door. Tanith grinned.

' show off' valkyrie muttered

Tanith hugged valkyrie and bounded out of the room

' I'll see you there!' she yelled down the corridor

Valkyrie heard the front door slam shut and she sighed and flopped down on the bed, waiting for skulduggery

There was a tap on the window and valkyrie looked up

Skulduggery waved at her and she got up and opened the window.

' hey ya' she said

' hello' skulduggery said brightly, stepping into the room

_Skulduggerys POV thing_

He looked Valkyrie up and down once and had to stop himself falling over.

She looked completely…well, there was no other word for it, she looked completely sexy.

_General POV thing _

' you look beautiful' skulduggery said

Valkyrie blushed

' thanks'

'we better get going then' skulduggery sighed

' oh yay.' Valkyrie said dryly

' oh it'll be fun, come on' skulduggery said, taking her hand and leading her down the stairs.

Valkyrie sighed again

' if Fletcher gets drunk, THEN it'll be fun…'

* * *

The room they entered was massive, with an extremely huge ceiling and balconies.

Everyone was in long dresses and tuxedos and dancing to the music a small orchestra was playing.

Valkyrie saw Fletcher chatting up some red haired girl.

'My lady' skulduggery said

Valkyrie looked up and saw skulduggery holding his hand out to her

'Shall we dance?' he asked, a grin clear in his voice

Valkyrie grinned at him and slid her fingers through his

He led her out onto the dance floor and put one hand on her waist and the other in her hand. Valkyrie placed her hand on his shoulder.

'Im not very good at dancing' Valkyrie admitted 'we did dancing at school once and I kept falling' she laughed

Skulduggery laughed to and pulled her closer, and Valkyrie didn't protest.

' well, im an exceptionally good dancer so I'll try not to let you trip over yourself'

Valkyrie rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue.

Skulduggery chuckled

'You really do look beautiful' skulduggery said softly

Valkyrie blushed and looked away

'Thank you. You don't look to bad yourself' she grinned

Skulduggery hugged her for a minuet then let go. Valkyrie went even redder.

They danced in a content silence for a while until fletcher cut in and asked valkyrie if she would dance with him, using his puppy eyes.

Fletcher wasn't bad at dancing, in fact, he was quite good, but he was annoying.

' so is skulduggery your _boyfriend _then?' he teased

Valkyrie shoved him

' whatever gave you that idea, im going to kick it, then im going to kick you'

' im scared. Besides, you _completely _like eachother'

' and how'd you work that out then?'

' its not hard to figure out'

' what do you mean?'

' hmmm, let me see, you've just spent the last hour dancing and just looking at each other, and skulduggery is holding you really close to him, and your not resisting at all. Im not sure if you noticed, but _everybody's_ been talking about you guys'

Valkyrie felt herself go red

' you're such a liar'

' ask anybody, its true'

Valkyrie scowled

' im going to go talk with tanith now, thanks for the dance fletcher'

Fletcher grinned

' any time'

Valkyrie walked of to see tanith, who had just finished dancing with ghastly

'Hey tanith' she said brightly

'Oh my god Val, everybody's been talking about you and skulduggery!' tanith squealed

Valkyrie groaned

'Im going now' she said

Tanith laughed

Valkyrie wandered out to the balcony and leaned against the pillars, looking out over Dublin. It was quiet, except for the muffled music from inside, and millions of stars covered the sky.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and she looked round and couldn't help smiling.

Skulduggery looked down at her and Valkyrie was sure he was smiling back

' everybody's talking about us' he said coming up beside her, close.

' I know'

' I think fletcher started it'

' what?'

Skulduggery paused.

' I have no idea why I said that. Just ignore what I just said' he paused again ' no, wait, actually, no, don't ignore that, I blame fletcher for all this…I don't know why though…'

Valkyrie laughed

' you're so weird'

' so are you'

' oh gee thanks'

Skulduggery chuckled

'I've known you for so long now, and you're still crazy'

Valkyrie turned her whole body towards him and pouted.

'I've known you for so long now and you're ego is still huge'

Skulduggery put his hand to where his heart was meant to be

'Ouch' he said

Valkyrie smiled and looked at his hand. She raised her hand up and traced the small bones on skulduggery's hand.

He turned his hand round so his could lock his fingers with valkyries.

Valkyrie was stunned for a minuet at what skulduggery had done but then she smiled, looking up at him.

'I love you' skulduggery said suddenly

Valkyrie nearly fainted

'wow' she said dumbly

She was sure she saw skulduggery grin and he crushed valkyrie to him and kissed her.

Valkyrie was completely stunned. It felt like skulduggery had real lips, only better. She kissed him back, wrapping her arms around skulduggery's neck.

Skulduggery wrapped one arm around skulduggery's neck, and tangled his other hand in his hair.

A small part of valkyries brain was thinking that probably everyone in the ball room was looking at them right now but at that exact moment, she didn't really care.

She kissed him again and skulduggery's grip on her waist tightened until it was impossible for them to be any closer.

After a while, Valkyrie broke away, mainly to catch her breath, and grinned widely.

'I think its time we went home' skulduggery said

Valkyrie could hear the smirk in his voice.

Valkyrie smiled

'Let's go'

Skulduggery took valkyries hand and led her of the balcony and across the ballroom.

Valkyrie heard someone wolf whistle, most likely Fletcher, and then about 10 other people joined in. out of the corner of her eye, Valkyrie saw tanith give her the thumbs up. She blushed madly.

They got out to the car before any of them spoke.

'I can't believe all those people saw us' Valkyrie grimaced

'They did? So they did. Good for them'

'You don't care?'

Skulduggery paused

'Nope'

Valkyrie rolled her eyes and pressed her lips to skulduggery's again.

Somewhere else, Shakra flame stalked severus snape.


	90. New Perspective, Panic! At The Disco

**Hey guys! ….uh…..i haven't really been good at uploading chapters….i SWEAR theres a good reason for it, in fact, its so good, im not going to tell you it…**

**Apologies to the REAL shakra flame and druna malgood whom I dragged into Hollister yesterday and forced them to listen to a whole miley cyrus song while in there. But it killed me too. Can ANYBODY stand party in the u.s.a? no. **

**I need some more ideas guys! And some more reviews :D I like feeling as if people read the crazy stuff in my mind…**

**Anyhow, enjoy!!! :D oh yeah, and ' another way to look at him valduggery' , 'valduggery, ghanith, and a whole lot of revelation', his and her broken bones', 'tamed', and er…ok, every other story on fanfic right now is AMAZING so keep writing or I'll set Fletcher on you guys…**

**Oh yeah, skuls human in this one…**

**:D **

New perspective- panic! At the disco- Jennifer's body soundtrack

Valkyrie contemplated over skulduggery's behaviour, now he was human. There was definitely something else.

He was still the same person. Charming, annoying, egotistical, playful, an utter moron, but now there was something different.

Being human, brought out the more…playful, sort of 'romantic teenager' side. The more 'sex' side. She had a new perspective of him now. Did he have that side when he was a skeleton and just didn't show it, or was it a new side? She'd ask him.

As Valkyrie thought about this, she was dragged into the real world by the crash the echoed through the house.

'Oh dear. Er...was that cup important?' skulduggery called from the kitchen

Valkyrie rolled her eyes and got up from the sofa. She wandered into the kitchen and sighed.

Skulduggery was looking questionably down at the floor where a smashed blue cup was lying neatly in three big chunks.

' how'd you manage that?' valkyrie asked, bending down and picking up the pieces

' it slipped out of my hand' skulduggery grumbled

' I thought you were far to graceful to do anything like that?' valkyrie teased

' I am, but this is my off day'

Valkyrie rolled her eyes

Skulduggery helped valkyrie up and pulled her to him, kissing down her jaw and neck.

'skulduggery?' valkyrie managed

' mmmm' skulduggery said

' I've got a question for you'

Skulduggery stopped kissing her and looked at her expectantly.

'yes?'

' yeah.' Valkyrie hesitated. 'what is it, that brings out the more…um…_kissing_ side of you?'

Skulduggery seemed to understand immediately

' you' he answered after a long moments thought.

' me?' valkyrie asked, confused

' indeed'

' why me?'

' I have no idea'

Valkyrie was quiet, contemplating this, as skulduggery played with her hair.

'I still don't get it'

' good for you, that makes two of us, now, where were we? Ah yes.'

Skulduggery dipped in and started kissing valkyries neck again and valkyrie shrugged

As long as he had that side, she was happy.

She pulled skulduggery's face up to hers and kissed him.

Skulduggery lifted her up till she was on the counter and kissed her again, locking one hand in her hair and the other around her waist and valkyrie tangled her hands in skulduggery's hair.

They sat and kissed for a long while until valkyries phone rang

She rolled her eyes and pulled away, digging her phone out of her pocket

'hello?' she asked

' if you want to see your friends ever again, you better come to the library, now' said a low husky voice, then the line went dead.

'Who was that?' skulduggery asked

'I don't know, but we have to go to china's right now. Someone we know is in trouble.

Valkyrie jumped down from the counter and they ran to the Bentley and sped to chinas

**Any ideas how it should end???????????? Let me know, people : D**


	91. I've Got A Dark Alley, Fall Out Boy

Ive got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth- fall out boy

'stop it'

' I said stop it'

' stop it'

' ONE MORE TIME, AND I'LL CUT YOUR THROAT!' the man roared at shakra flame.

She poked him again.

' RIGHT, THAT IS IT' the man said angrily. He grabbed shakra by the throat and pulled a kitchen knife from his pocket

'Did you steal that from your mother's kitchen? Now how will she cut pie?' druna asked, despairingly

Flaring giggled

The man grunted and let go of shakras throat

'YOU HAVE NO DIGNITY!' Shakra yelled

'Do not encourage him!' china snapped

'Yeah, that's my job!' flaring said angrily

They were all tied to chairs in the middle of the library. The three girls were annoying their capturer and china was trying to get them to shut it before he killed them all.

'I'll be right back.' the man snarled ' stay here and don't say anything or I'll end your lives right here right now'

'Don't worry, we're not going anywhere' druna said sarcastically

The man glared, and then stalked of towards the door.

'Keep quiet' china hissed

'wha…?' shakra asked

Tattoos all over her body glowed blue and the ropes on her chair frayed and broke.

' oh. I get it now.' She said.

China got up quickly and undid the girl's ropes.

'We're getting out of here quickly, and quietly' china said sternly ' do not draw attention to yourselves'

'That'll be the day' Shakra muttered

They all creeped to the door, where the man was standing with his back to them.

Flaring stood up, out of her crouch and walked up to the man.

The whole time china was mouthing the words 'don't go you idiot! Don't go!' and waving her arms angrily while shakra and druna were giving her the thumbs up encouragingly and grinning

Flaring tapped the man on the shoulder and he whirled to her

He opened his mouth to say something but flaring stuck her hand up in front if him.

She pulled a small plastic bull dozer from her pocket

'Do you know how much damage this bulldozer would sustain if I just let it roll over you?' flaring asked

She was a good head and a half shorter than the man and her fire engine red hair didn't look as fierce compared to the sheer ruthlessness of the man

' how much' he sneered

'None at all' flaring said, then threw the toy at him

He shouted angrily and rubbed his bleeding forehead.

China, Shakra, druna, and flaring sprinted out the door and down the corridor

Shakra tripped over nothing at all and flaring tripped over Shakra. Druna couldn't stop in time and landed in the pile.

'Owwww' druna groaned

The man appeared in the corner and snatched the three girls by their collars. China was no where to be seen.

Shakra bit the mans hand and he yelled and let go of the girls coats

They ran for it and the man chased after them.

'He's got a TOWEL!' Shakra yelled randomly as they ran.

'Cheeky mouse…' druna muttered

They ran down another flight of stairs and took a left down a corridor and china was waiting for them.

'Where is he? Did you hurt him much?' china asked

'I think that bull dozer did some considerable damage to his head, and Shakra got a good grip on his hand' flaring said approvingly

'Wonderful' china said.

She pressed her hands to a bit of the wall and a large blue rectangle glowed around it, and china pushed it open like a door.

They stepped through into the alley

'I have to get one of those installed' druna said happily

The man wasn't far behind them and they froze when they saw him

'If the detective isn't going to show, I guess I'll have to kill you' the man sneered.

'Ah, hell' druna said 'any ideas how to get us outta this one' she hissed at china

'I have a million ideas, but, they all point to certain death' Shakra said

'Fantastic' china scowled

_Skulduggery slammed the breaks on and he and Valkyrie jumped out of the car and raced to the tenant building. _

'_You stupid lemon!' they heard someone yell _

'_That's druna' Valkyrie said _

'_In the alley' skulduggery replied and they raced to the alley. _

The scene they saw was not something you would see everyday.

Flaring rhythm was throwing countless lemons at a tall sturdy man in black, who had druna by the throat up against a wall and was probably threatening her. Druna was kicking wildly at him, Shakra was reading graffiti on the wall and china was sending pulses of blue into the man

About thirty pigeons were flying around them all, cooing wildly.

Shakra looked up from her reading and grinned

'Hey guys!' she called over the noise

The pigeons stopped cooing and flew away, flaring stopped throwing lemons, the tall man let go of Druna's throat, druna fell, and china stopped trying to kill the man.

'Oh, hell' Valkyrie said

'Ah, the detective and the girl arrive, at last' the tall man smiled. He had a Scottish accent.

'Hello' skulduggery said

'I suggest you hand over the girl, and I'll let you're little friends go' the man sneered

'And if I don't?'

The man grabbed china and pressed his knife to her throat.

' then I kill them'

Skulduggery paused

' that's not a very fair deal' he said

' tough. What's your decision?'

' why do you need my partner?' skulduggery asked. Valkyrie noticed he ever so slightly moved in front of her

' I was an old friend of the torments' the man said 'he told me of how you betrayed him, and killed the reflection in her place, and now I am here to finish what you didn't'

'Ah, in that case, you can't have Valkyrie, and you're can't have my friends'

'Those weren't one of the choices'

'Shame'

Fire flew up suddenly in skulduggery's hand and he sent towards the mans chest. He stepped out of the way and china kicked his chin.

He shrieked and let go of her.

Skulduggery advanced and drove his hip into the mans side. He stumbled but kept upright. Valkyrie ran up to help skulduggery and kicked him in the stomach; he fell back and smacked his head of the ground.

China walked over beside Valkyrie and skulduggery and Shakra, flaring, and druna joined them.

The man got up, rubbing his head. He looked at his opposition and licked his lips. He could probably take the three short insane kids, but the other three, he wasn't so keen on going up against.

'Don't think this is the end of it' he sneered and stalked of. They let him.

'That'll teach him to mess with stupid people' skulduggery said, satisfied.


	92. Joy Ride, The Killers

Joy ride- the killers

Fletcher pulled up the driveway to Gordon's estate in his new car. He was so chuffed with it.

It was a shiny red ford fiesta complete with car freshener in the shape of a pokeball.

Valkyrie and skulduggery came out of the house, followed by tanith, ghastly, and the crazies.

' what'd'ya think?' fletcher asked, grinning.

Valkyrie remembered the purple menace and shuddered.

' five things' valkyrie said ' first of all, how in the hell did _you _of all people pass a driving test? Secondly, nice car. Thirdly, why do you even need a car when you can teleport, fourth, will you give me a lift? And last, lock it up or they'll get at it' Valkyrie said, pointing to Shakra, druna and flaring who were looking evilly at the car and stroking their imaginary beards.

Fletcher grinned

'Im smarter than I look you know, and the test was easy' he said

Valkyrie briefly imagined him with his face pressed up against a window pulling stupid faces and she dismissed his last comment.

'And, I guess I can give you a lift' Fletcher shrugged. For all his annoying behaviour he was really just a sweet kid with chubby cheeks and a pokemon obsession. He was hard not to love.

'Thanks Fletcher' valkyrie said

' why did you get a car anyway?' skulduggery asked

Fletcher shrugged

' dunno, just wanted to drive, you know?'

'Yeah, I mean you can't speed and get caught by the police when your teleporting, SOOO boring' Valkyrie teased

Fletcher pouted.

Later on that night, when everyone was lounging in the living room being bored and tired, the three crazies where being…crazy.

They snuck out of the house entirely in black, with flaring clutching fletchers car keys in her hand. Shakra couldn't hold back the excitement and she cackled.

'Shhhh!' flaring hissed

'I am an arrrmmm stealer, fitting you with weapons in the formallll wooorrrrdd' druna sang to herself happily. Flaring opened the car and slid into the driver's seat with druna riding shotgun.

Shakra got in the back hoping she wouldn't have to bail out like she did when they stole Edward Cullen's car. He was still probably at home crying into Carlisle.

Flaring stuck the key in the engine and druna whooped in triumph. She slid 'brand new eyes' into the CD player and brick by boring brick came on

'WELL SHE LIVES IN A FAIRY TALE SOMEWHERE TO FAR FOR US TO FIND!' all three girls yelled as they sped down the lane

Flaring stopped singing in time to wonder where the brake was.

She tapped drunas shoulder.

'what?' druna asked

'what does a break look like?' flaring asked

Druna paused.

' dunno, I thought you knew how to drive'

' yeah, yeah I do, but, er, I mainly only remember how to go faster….' Flaring trailed of.

' oh. Ah well' druna said brightly, then went back to screaming out paramore lyrics

Flaring bit her lip, shrugged, then joined into 'careful'

They sped down country lanes for hours, mainly because flaring still couldn't work out how to break. They rolled the windows down and put the music on full blast. They passed many people on the streets, and seven police men. Most of the people stared or screamed if flaring lost control of the wheel, which happened a lot. Some of the younger kids and teens out that night shouted encouragingly at them and laughing. They beeped their horn back and threw party poppers at them.

They now had 12 police cars on their tale.

' dammit! Druna explain to them we can't stop!' flaring yelled

' fine, fine, if josh farro was here, everyone would be _great_' druna muttered. She got a piece of paper and a sharpie and wrote the words ' **look, we can't stop the bloody car so chill yer wigs, yeah?' **

She pressed it to the back of the windscreen so the police men could read it. They all looked scared.

' ah ha!' flaring yelled In triumph

' wha-JESUS SNAPE!!!!!' shakra yelled

Flaring had just slammed the break on. Shakra flew forward and smacked into the windscreen. She slid down it slowly and landed on the gear box

' owwww' she moaned

The police cars all stop and ran to the ford but flaring stamped on the pedal and floored it

They all screamed as the needle hovered between 90 and 100 mph.

They floored it all the way back to Gordon's house, screaming all the way. They braked the car and it rocked back and fourth on its wheels for a second. They scrambled out; yelling and laughing just as ghastly opened the door.

'what is going-' he was cut of by Shakra, flaring, and druna knocking him over as they ambled into the house

They stumbled into the living room and druna fell.

'Joy ride! Speeding! No break! Police! Here!' flaring yelled at Valkyrie and skulduggery who were curled up on the sofa together.

' dammit' skulduggery said, getting up

' ghastly, you wouldn't mind speaking to the police, would you, I cant' skulduggery said motioning to his skull

' sure' ghastly said

the 12 police cars pulled up the driveway and in four seconds flat, the house was by police.

Ghastly walked out of the house, an apologetic look on his face.

A police man walked up to him and ghastly went to speak

The police man put his hand up in front of him

' we just want you to hand over the owner of the car and the people who were driving it, and we'll get this sorted out.

Ghastly paused, then nodded. They couldn't keep them locked up for THAT long.

He went into the house and came back out with a scowling fletcher and three laughing teenagers.

As they were escorted to police cars, shakra turned back and grinned evilly.


	93. Angel In The Night, Basshunter

**Sorry I haven't updated! The ext few chapters will all be valduggery cause I have been neglecting them for a while :D please update and review guys! xo**

Angel in the night- basshunter

'Sweetheart, we'll only be away for a couple of days!' Melissa edgely said

'Mum! That's still no excuse to have to stay with Fergus and beryl' Valkyrie said sourly

Valkyries mother sighed

'AND, Im 17, nearly an adult, so I can stay in the house can't I?'

Melissa sighed again.

'Ok, fine, but not here, the fire alarm isn't working' she said sternly.

Valkyrie nearly laughed

'Mum, you don't want me staying here because the _fire alarm _isn't working?' she said in disbelief.

'You never know what could happen! Just please do this for me. Stay at Gordon's?'

'Ok, ok fine' Valkyrie smiled

'That's my good girl' Melissa said. She kissed valkyries forehead and walked out of the room, leaving Valkyrie to laugh at her mother's caution.

………………………………….

Two days later, the time came for valkyries parents to leave for Gordon's old villa in France. Valkyrie was getting a lift with her parents on their way to the airport and her mother cautioned her with a number of things

'…and don't answer the door to strangers, or talk to them for that matter, stay away from anything dangerous or sharp, you've got our numbers on speed dial and keep your phone close at all times, don't play with matches, oh, and don't put knives in the toaster while its still on' Melissa finished her commandments as they pulled up the driveway to Gordon's house. ' desmond, anything to add, darling?' she asked lightly

Valkyries father paused for a second

' how about…have a great time and don't fall over' desmond grinned at valkyrie

She grinned back

' ok love, we'll see you in a week, and we love you very much' valkyries mother said

' bye mum, bye dad' valkyrie said excitedly, getting out of the car and grabbing her suitcase.

Her parents beeped the horn and drove off.

Valkyrie turned to the large house and grinned. She loved having freedom, and a full house to herself. She didn't bother hiding her excitement at having a huge house to herself for a whole week. Even as a child she had preferred her own company, or if she did have company, a small group.

Skulduggery was coming over to see her in half an hour. One of the best things about skulduggery is that he could stay with her the whole week and Valkyrie still wouldn't feel crowded or never having privacy.

She stepped into the house and dumped her bag and coat at the door, and lolled on the sofa, turning on the TV, and as she watched she drifted of.

When valkyrie woke up, it was twenty past twelve. 20 minuets since she had arrived.

She got up and tried to fix her hair unsuccessfully.

There was a knock on the door.

Valkyrie got up and wandered to the door. Skulduggery stood rain dripping of his clothes.

' hey' she grinned

' hello, the weather isn't too good, is it?' skulduggery said, stepping into the house.

' nope'

They walked into the living room and Valkyrie collapsed onto the sofa.

Skulduggery came and sat beside her.

' so, you're free' skulduggery said

' yep' valkyrie grinned ' but only for a week' she added dryly

Skulduggery laughed

'enjoy it while you can'

' I will, don't you worry'

Valkyrie shivered and moved closer to lean her head on skulduggery's shoulder

Skulduggery hesitated and then wrapped his arm around Valkyrie and she smiled up at him.

That night, Valkyrie climbed into bed and curled up under the covers.

She drifted of and was half asleep when she heard the door creak open. She kept very still and listened to the foot steps coming into the room.

She felt someone's cold hand brush over her forehead and lips kiss her cheek lightly.

It sent shivers of pleasure down her spine.

Who had kissed her though? It better not have been Fletcher. If it was Fletcher, she was going to kill him, and them resurrect him, and then kill him again. But Fletcher would probably not've been so sweet, so who the hell was it?

She heard the footsteps again and she opened her eye slightly. A tall, thin figure was walking towards the door.

God, was I skulduggery? How did she feel lips? And what the hell was he doing kissing her?

Valkyrie couldn't help smiling slightly. He had kissed her.

' skulduggery?' she blurted out

Skulduggery froze in the doorway and turned slowly

' yes?' he asked quietly

Valkyrie sat up in her bed.

'Can…can you say with me for a bit?' she asked

Skulduggery hesitated then walked towards her and sat down on the bed beside her

'Of course' he said quietly

He sat on the bed beside her and Valkyrie curled into him absently. She all of a sudden didn't feel uncomfortable doing this. Skulduggery wrapped his arm around her.

Skulduggery could feel the warmth of her warm body seeping through his bones and he pulled her closer instinctively.

They lay in the silence for a while and then valkyrie spoke.

'Did you kiss me?' she blurted out

Skulduggery's relaxed posture disappeared and he froze and didn't reply

'who wants to know?' he asked dumbly

Valkyrie nearly laughed. Nearly.

' the one who was kissed' she replied

'Ah'

'So did you?'

'I deny _kissing_ you…'

'Yeah, maybe not on the lips, but you kissed my cheek, right?'

'Perhaps…'

'I don't mind'

'What?'

'I don't mind if you kiss me'

Skulduggery was quiet, deliberating this for a moment, while Valkyrie mentally kicked herself for spilling the eggs so quickly and stupidly.

'Well then' skulduggery said a smirking edge to his voice. 'You won't mind if I do this'

He took valkyries face gently in his hands and kissed her on the lips. Valkyrie kissed him back, stunned that it felt like he had warm soft lips.

Skulduggery took one hand from her face to wrap it around her waist and Valkyrie had both her arms around his neck.

She broke away after a while and shuffled over till she was on skulduggery's lap. Skulduggery chuckled. He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed the top of her head

'That happened very fast' Valkyrie said

'It did' skulduggery replied, clearly enjoying himself

'Fast is more interesting' Valkyrie grinned and kissed him again moving her lips against the lips it felt like skulduggery had. Skulduggery moved one hand to lock it in valkyries hair. He moaned quietly.

She wasn't entirely sure how it had all happened. One minuet she was asleep in her bed and the next she was on her mentor's lap kissing him. Right.

The craziest thing was that she was absolutely in seventh heaven.

Valkyrie broke away to catch her breath and skulduggery immediately pulled her back to him again, kissing down her jaw and throat.

' I love you' valkyrie said, her arms tightening around skulduggery's neck

Skulduggery hugged valkyrie close

' I love you too' he whispered

'You do realise how this is going to get us tortured at the sanctuary when they find out?' Valkyrie asked lying down and cuddling into skulduggery's chest.

'I don't care' skulduggery murmured wrapping his arm around her again.

Valkyrie didn't care either. She had skulduggery and he wanted her and she was completely happy and he just happened to be the worlds best kisser.

She lay close to skulduggery, cradled to him in his arms, and thought she was the luckiest person alive, now she had him.

She grinned to herself, and closed her eyes, dreaming of skulduggery and cake…


	94. I Dreamed A Dream, Susan Boyle

**This is about the gayest, WORST, song. Ever. I watched her on Xfactor, and I wouldn't stop laughing. She. Is. A. nutter. Seriously. But, the song title was a convenient opportunity for something ive been meaning to write :D enjoy guys! XD :)**

**Em, skulduggery's a human…to my knowledge….**

I dreamed a dream- Susan boyle

'Night, Val' skulduggery murmured, wrapping his arms round valkyries waist and pulling her to him.

'Night' Valkyrie murmured tiredly, she curled into his chest and fell asleep.

Skulduggery watched her for a while as she muttered randomly in her sleep before he himself grew tired and fell asleep

He knew he was dreaming, as soon as he saw Fletcher sitting on a swivel chair stroking a penguin.

It was a weird dream, always shifting.

_It was the weird penguin stroking Fletcher for a while then is turned into skulduggery standing in the middle of a red dessert sort of place. It was hot and the sounds of screams echoed all around. _

'_Skulduggery?' somebody asked_

_Skulduggery looked up to find Valkyrie smiling at him. _

_He ran to her and enveloped her in a hug. _

'_I love you' skulduggery murmured in her ear, hugging her close. _

_Valkyrie reached up and kissed him and then she disappeared _

'_No!' skulduggery yelled. _

_The real skulduggery, who was dreaming this dream, frowned. What the hell was going on? He'd had weird dreams before, like one where he stepped out of Gordon's mansion to find severus snape driving away in his Bentley cackling like a girl (he'd blamed that dream on Shakra) and the time the whole dream consisted of him trying to open a packet of crunchy nut cereal, but this was just mad. _

_He was standing in a field with long grasses swaying in a breeze. _

_It was a lot like the field at the end of that movie gladiator; Valkyrie had forced him to watch one day. He made a mental note never to watch that movie again. _

_There was a girl at the other side of the field. She was young. Five years old maybe? With think light fair hair and skulduggery's blue eyes. _

_It was skulduggery's child. _

'_Daddy!' the girl cried and ran to skulduggery. Skulduggery scooped her up and hugged her. _

_She started sobbing, now, tears running down her small face _

'_Shhhh, it's ok, im here' skulduggery murmured_

_He loved Valkyrie with his entire existence, but he still felt the need to protect his dead daughter, whenever need be. But he was scared. Why was this happening to him? He hadn't dreamt about his wife and child in years, and now he was suddenly dreaming about them, and so vividly. _

' _what's wrong?' skulduggery crooned _

_She stopped sobbing and looked up at him _

'_Mummy's coming' _

_She disappeared so suddenly it made skulduggery jump, and then he was face to face with his wife. _

_She had the same long fair hair and green eyes he'd remembered her with. She had light skin and he face was twisted into one of pain and rage _

'_How could you do this to me, skulduggery!' she said loudly, her words echoing everywhere making skulduggery flinch. _

'_Do what!' skulduggery called back, he didn't want to go closer to her_

'_I thought you only loved me!' she yelled angrily. Suddenly the clear skies turned into skies covered with dark clouds and lightening. Rain poured. 'why do you love Stephanie edgely!' she screamed _

'_I can't help loving her! And im never going to stop loving her! But I haven't betrayed you!' _

'_Yes you have skulduggery pleasant. You've abandoned me and you will pay and so will she!' _

_She screamed a blood curdling scream and the grass beneath them erupted in an explosion of fire and the last thing he saw was Valkyrie screaming for him. _

He gasped and woke up, tense, his breathing was heavy and sweat coated his body.

Valkyrie stirred beside him and she had the same worried look in her eyes when she opened them. She looked up at skulduggery and propped herself up on one elbow

'Skulduggery? Are you alright?' she whispered, putting her hand on his forehead comfortingly.

Skulduggery relaxed under her touch and sunk back into the cushions, his breathing slowing.

' it was only a dream' he murmured to himself ' just a dream'

'it's ok' valkyrie murmured

Skulduggery nodded once

'It was just a dream' Valkyrie said, she kissed skulduggery's neck and chest and then curled into him

'I love you' she murmured

'I love you too' skulduggery said, pulling her closer, his hands still shaking slightly.

_This_, he thought, _cannot be good…_


	95. The Great Escape, Gwen Stefani

**This is set after 'joy ride' where the crazies and Fletcher are in jail. Oh yeah, somebody asked 'why I have Edward Cullen in some stories' or something like that, and my reply is 'why not? Its fun to torture him, isn't it?' **

**Oh yeah,(I swear this is the last 'oh yeah'…) sorry ive been so long updating but I'd written this chapter, went to upload, and it wouldn't let me. Turned out it was too long (11 pages and eleven thousand and something words long…) so, yeah, I had to re-write it…sorry. **

**Enjoy XD **

The Sweet Escape- Gwen Stefani

Six people occupied the cell.

Shakra flame, flaring rhythm, Edward Cullen, druna malgood, Fletcher renn, and a girl with a fishing rod who was apparently called lythia.

The guard had come earlier that night and forced them all to go to sleep so they were all squashed on a small bed.

Shakra was braiding fletcher's hair while he slept and scrawling the words 'Dumbledore's ho' all over the walls.

The girl lythia was hanging of the end of the bed on her stomach with her fishing rod apparently 'fishing'. She was holding an ice cream with a straw in it and claimed it was hokey pokey flavour. Everyone just smiled and nodded.

Flaring rhythm was bouncing up and down excitedly on Edward Cullen's knee at the idea of spending the night on Edward Cullen's knee bouncing up and down excitedly.

Druna decided to get with the jail theme and was wearing a black and white stripped jumpsuit and was playing a harmonica sadly and crossing the number of minuets of on the walls using chalk.

' why are you in jail?' flaring asked Edward

The Cullen boy tried his best not to rip her head of.

'Because I was caught speeding'

Flaring giggled like a mad woman

' sucker' she said

' well im bored' Shakra announced loudly, waking Fletcher

'Why'd ya wake me!' he complained

'Rubber bands last longer when they're refrigerated' Shakra said in her salad fingers voice

Flaring shuddered.

'We're getting out of here- im not sure how much more knee bouncing I can take…' Shakra said, turning slowly to glare at the hyper flaring.

She did an epic face palm and got up, muttering.

She cracked her fingers and her neck then muttered something about Patrick stump and yelled a battle cry, which had only been used once before, when hagred had got on her bad side…

She ran straight to the bars and kicked and the door swung open.

'What?!' Fletcher yelled 'the door was open all along?!'

Shakra spun on her heel and got right up in fletchers face

' in my spare time' she said in a scary high pitched voice ' I wear a pink wig' then she turned again and was followed out the door by flaring, lythia (who now had a kipper at the end of her fishing rod) and druna who was back in her normal clothes and god knows how she got back into them…

Fletcher sighed, muttered something about needing a holiday to freaking Timbuktu and walked out the door after them.

Edward Cullen sat in the cell with his arms folded across his chest and a placid expression on his face.

He heard a scuffle of footsteps then flaring stuck her head round the door trying to look innocent but failing and looking drunk instead.

'Why aren't you coming?' she asked

Edward slowly turned to face her

'Honestly? I was waiting until you'd all left then I was going to run as fast and as far as I could away from you!' he snapped

Flaring nodded.

'That's what everyone else says. They're all dead now. Anyway, you're coming with us'

Before he could protest, flaring had grabbed his hoodie sleeve and was dragging him out of the cell and after everyone else

Everyone groaned when they saw flaring dragging Edward happily behind her.

Shakra reached for the crowbar in her back pocket but druna stopped her

'Wait till he least expects it' druna said in a low, cruel voice and Shakra grinned evilly.

They cackled.

'Well, lets get out of here' lythia said, speaking for once 'I think those men in the uniforms can see us…' she turned round, trying to look inconspicuous, and looked at the whole armed swat team who were aimed straight at them.

'Come, Ronald' druna said sternly, and Edward watched in fear as a baby black owl with an orange feather on its head followed the teens hooting happily.

The swat team backed away.

The car they stood beside was not impressive.

It was a pink smart car.

Everyone automatically turned to look at Edward Cullen who was staring at the car with a wistful happy look on his face

He turned and looked at them and stammered

'Uh…I…uh…theres a nice…finish to the…uh, paint.' He said

'Uh…huh…' Fletcher nodded slowly

'Gay!' Shakra announced, and then climbed into the passenger seat.

1 hour later…

'No! Don't! Argh! My dddiigggnnniitttyyy!' Edward Cullen yelled as the pink smart car sped away, leaving him in the middle of lidl in his underpants being stared at by a josh farro look-a-like.

Someone, probably lythia, rolled down the car window and threw a salmon at him.

In the car, flaring cackled, as she sat in Edwards's shirt, jeans, and hoodie, listening to his ipod (he had shit music. Shit, shit, music…)

Shakra was counting out the money from Edwards's wallet and druna had Edwards phone and was sending Emmett dirty texts.

At the Cullen residence, Emmett dropped the phone, ran to Carlisle, and cried.

**At Gordon's house… **

Skulduggery didn't even want to get up to close the living room door. Valkyrie kissed him again and his decision was final. The door could look after its freaking self.

His head was spinning and she tasted so sweet against the lips he wish he had. They heard a squeal of tires from outside and then a scuffle of footsteps and a 'bahhh' coming from the hall.

'HOLY JESUS SEVERUS OF SCOTLAND NOBODY LOOK IN THE LIVING ROOM. LOOK AT THE CEILING! THE CEILING I SAY!' Shakra yelled. She had probably looked at the living room by mistake.

There was a scream in return

'I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK DAMMIT!' Shakra yelled again, probably at druna.

Valkyrie laughed against skulduggery's lips.

A bahhh, a crash, running footsteps, screaming, more screaming, and a hooting owl could be heard from the kitchen.

Skulduggery and valkyrie didn't even want to know…

The last thing they heard was shakra yelling before they became fully absorbed.

'OH GOD, NOT THE HAMMER! NOT THE HAMMMERRR!'

**Thanks guys, please R&R ! :D more coming soon…promise! *shifty eyes* **


	96. I Miss You, Blink 182

I miss you- Blink 182

Ow.

Ow.

Ow

Ow

Ow

Ow

Ow

Ow

Ow

Ow

Ow

Ow

OW

Christ, faceless ones can do some considerable damage.

This is one of those times I wish I could not feel pain. In fact, I wish I was at home, trying to explain to Fletcher how a dictionary works. Anything was better than the pain I was feeling now.

Home.

I missed Dublin so much. I miss light. I miss proper land. I miss night time and the pretty city lights. I missed standing on the roof with valkyrie watching them with her. I miss feeling a cool breeze. I miss Dublin. I miss not feeling any pain.

I miss my car. I miss my friends. I miss ghastly and tanith and Fletcher and Valkyrie. I miss Valkyrie so much. I miss her more than is probably healthy. I miss her smile, her sarcasm, her laugh, her face, her gorgeous eyes and I miss everything about her. I need her.

Oh dear god im in love with a fifteen year old.

All this, I am confessing out loud to a red wasteland with boiling temperatures and a desert landscape of a forgotten and feared place fuelled by pain and evil and faceless ones everywhere.

I miss sanity. I miss my home. I miss not having to feel some sort of pain every single day. I miss not having anywhere to feel safe. I miss not having little Valkyrie by my side. I miss the truly happy feeling I got when I had her. I miss not feeling so empty and lost. I miss a lot of things.

Ive been here for so long now. I remember when Valkyrie tried to call me and reached me. The only thing I like about this place is the good connection. She's called me a lot.

The first time she called me she cried. She told me she missed me. She told about wreaths necromancy offer. She told me she needed me back. She told me everything. I told her I missed her so much, and that I needed her too. I do need her.

I watch as the faceless ones retreat, but the fear inside me doesn't, and then something happens. Light. Proper daylight shines from somewhere and I hear someone calling my name.

Valkyrie.

I get up and sprint and dive through the open space and come up in a roll, I didn't care where I was, as long as I was away from that damned place. But I knew I was home.

And I can see everything again. And feel no pain. I must've been broken in a hundred different places but right now I feel no pain. Maybe exhausted, but no pain. Just happiness. And I knew if I could smile, I would've.

**General POV **

' skulduggery!' valkyrie yelled in complete happiness

She ran to him and skulduggery ran to her and they enveloped each other in a hug that knocked skulduggery to the ground

Skulduggery laughed

' don't you _dare _leave me again, pleasant' she threatened

Skulduggery pulled her tighter

'I never dreamed of it'

Valkyrie intertwined her fingers with his and buried her head in his shoulder

' good'


	97. The Fear, Lily Allen

Sorry for no updates! But my brain has died and has been taken over by ice skating and, er, mackeral?

The fear- Lily Allen

Valkyrie wasn't afraid of much. She wasn't afraid of the dark, or monsters, or rats or bugs, or miley cyrus. No, actually, she was. Well, she wasn't afraid of rats and bugs, she just didn't fancy going near them. But when it came to thunder and lightning, she hated it. It reminded her of being under ground with Billy ray sanguine and the idea that it would strike her house or even herself, was terrifying. She'd been afraid of thunder and lightening ever since she was a kid.

It was bucketing outside, and nearly completely dark. It was about 9:30 at night. Shakra, druna, and flaring were sitting in the living room, looking out the window and cackling. This was because they had sent Fletcher outside wrapped in tin foil, in the hope he would get struck. Fletcher was confident he wouldn't get struck because of his rubber shag tags. He was probably wrong, but he hadn't been struck yet. Yet. Flaring had half heartedly protested against the idea of sending Fletcher outside, because she had recently discovered he had squidgy cheeks and didn't want him hurt encase he wouldn't let her squeeze his cheeks any more, but then she saw him wrapped in tin foil and nearly _shoved _him out the door…

Ghastly was reading a book and tanith was reading one of Gordon's novels In the big library, while skulduggery was standing in the kitchen, looking and valkyrie in concern. This was because she was under the table.

' valkyrie, do you want to tell me what your doing under there?' skulduggery asked

'INUENDO!' Shakra yelled from the living room. They ignored her but druna and flaring roared with laughter.

' em….a nice atmosphere?' valkyrie tried, hugging her knees tighter. A crack of thunder erupted and valkyrie screamed in shock, jumping slightly and banging her head of the table

' ow' she groaned

' your scared of thunder and lightening, arent you?' skulduggery asked gently

'nnnoooo…'

' valkyrie-'

'yes! Fine! I admit it! I'm afraid of freaking lightening!' valkyrie snapped

Skulduggery hunkered down to look at her and saw tears in her eyes

' aw Val' skulduggery sighed softly and climbed under the table with her.

He put an arm around her shoulder and rubbed it comfortingly

Valkyrie shivered at his touch. Not from coldness but from pleasure.

' are you going to come out from under here or I am going to have to stay here with you until we both get fed up with each other and is a competition to see who can get out first?' skulduggery said, probably mentally grinning

Valkyrie rolled her eyes and went to say something but was interrupted when there was another crack of thunder. From outside, Fletcher screeched and the girls roared with laughter

He had got hit.

' I think I'll stay under here' valkyrie said

Fletcher opened the front door, and squelched in, very pissed of that his shag tags hadn't saved him. He saw a flash of bright red and was knocked to the ground by the shortness of flaring.

' nom nom nom' she muttered.

' please get of me!' fletcher whined ' I _really _need to lie down'

' well, you are, aren't you?' druna asked, coming in and poking his face with the tip of her converse

Fletcher muttered something and folded his arms angrily, while flaring made faces with his cheeks.

Back in the kitchen, skulduggery and valkyrie were still under the table, with skulduggery rubbing her arm comfortingly

The storm hadn't died down much, but valkyrie didn't want to spend the night under the table

' maybe we could get out from under here now?' valkyrie mumbled

Skulduggery was quiet for a minuet

' sure' he said, climbing out and taking her hand to help her out.

The lightning cracked again and valkyrie yelped and clung on to skulduggery.

she looked up and blushed furiously and stepped away, shaking from the shock.

' I may just go back under the table…' valkyrie muttered 'become a crazy person and only come out once a week to watch scrubs…'

She turned to climb back under the table when skulduggery grabbed her hand and pulled her back

' you don't have to be scared' skulduggery murmured

Valkyrie gripped his hand tight, and felt herself calm slightly

' just stay with me and you'll be fine' skulduggery said

Valkyrie nodded and skulduggery tugged her into the living room, happy to hold her hand.

Tanith looked over the top of her book as skulduggery lead her to sit on the tiny loveseat. Valkyrie curled up to him.

If tanith was wearing sunglasses, she would've pushed them down her nose in order to look over them

She wolf whistled quietly and valkyrie shot a glare her way.

She breathed in skulduggery's scent and curled up to him, content to lie there in his arms.

Through the pouring rain outside, valkyrie could make out fletcher standing with an annoyed expression on his face, wrapped in tin foil and holding metal coat hangers…


	98. Fireworks, You Me At Six

**Um…I DO believe I haven't updated in a while…but don't eat me. PLEASE. Ahem. Sorry about lack of updates! This is a valduggery because I haven't done a Valduggery story in a while. Enjoy!!!**

**Flaring Rhythm is just a figment of your imagination. **

**Just as you are a figment of hers…**

Fireworks- You Me At Six

Halloween. Valkyrie loved Halloween. Mainly because she got to tease Skulduggery about everyone looking the same as him and because herself and Tanith got to pig out on a lot of sugar and laugh as Ghastly and Skulduggery attempted to calm them down. But Valkyries favourite thing about Halloween were the fireworks.

On Halloween night, Skulduggery was taking Valkyrie home, when the sky lit up with green and orange sparks. Valkyrie couldn't help grinning.

Skulduggery pulled up at the pier, the streets teaming with children, teens, and adults dressed up, laughing, having fun.

Valkyrie turned to grin at Skulduggery.

'What?' he asked, sounding amused.

'You're coming with me' Valkyrie said

'Oh really?'

'Yep! To watch the fireworks with me'

'And why is that?'

'I don't want to sit by myself on the roof, do I?'

'So you chose me to sit there with you?'

'Of course'

Skulduggery felt warm inside.

'What about your parents? Would they not notice us on the roof?'

'They're out all night at some friends Halloween fancy dress party'

'Immature adults'

'You're an immature adult'

'Yeah, but I make it work'

Valkyrie laughed and got out of the car. Skulduggery got out too, locked the car, then him and Valkyrie started down the busy street

A lot of people stared…

Skulduggery casually put his arm around Valkyries shoulder. Valkyrie leaned into him slightly and blushed

They walked around to the back of Valkyries house and the air carried them up to the roof.

When they were comfortable sitting down, looking out over the beach, Skulduggery put his arm around her again and Valkyrie rang tanith, asking her, Fletcher and Ghastly to come round.

Two minuets later, Ghastly, Tanith and Fletcher appeared. Tanith had a huge bag full of sweets and Fletchers face was hidden under an armful of blanket- which was a nice change.

Fletcher chucked the blankets over Valkyrie and she squealed

10 minuets later everyone was wrapped in blankets and using the flame Skulduggery had in his hand to roast marshmallows. Fletcher burnt his completely.

The fireworks stopped after about an hour and they sat watching the trick or treaters come out.

Fletcher soon fell asleep on Valkyries shoulder and she kept trying to pry him of. When she succeeded, he was about to smack his forehead on the roof if Tanith hadn't clapped her hands over Fletchers cheeks to stop his hitting the tiles.

Tanith and Valkyrie rolled around with laughter.

Everyone looked up at the roof so they had to duck.

Ghastly pushed Tanith and Fletcher down on the roof and Skulduggery pushed Valkyrie behind the chimneys.

She landed on her back and Skulduggery landed on top of her.

Valkyries breath caught in her throat but she didn't move. Neither did Skulduggery. They leaned closer to each other and Valkyries lips brushed very lightly across Skulduggery's for a brief moment, until they were interrupted.

'Wow! I suppose we're interrupting a tender moment here, so we'll be going!' Tanith announced loudly, grinning

Skulduggery got off Valkyrie and onto his knees quickly then helped Valkyrie to sit up.

Valkyrie glared at Tanith, who laughed

The stars came out early that night, and it got cold. Skulduggery threw a furry blanket over Valkyrie and she wrapped it around herself. Valkyrie and Tanith put a blanket over their heads and they started whispering and giggling over something Skulduggery, Ghastly and Fletcher couldn't hear.

At one point, Fletcher flashed Ghastly and Skulduggery a sleazy smile and quickly pulled up the blanket and stuck his head and shoulders under

The girls squealed

'Hello ladies, mind If I joi-OW!'

Fletcher came out quickly from under the blanket rubbing his forehead

Ghastly and Skulduggery chuckled and Fletcher pouted.

They sat there for a while talking and laughing and teasing Fletcher then Valkyrie, Tanith, and Fletcher fell asleep.

Ghastly looked at Valkyrie curled up into Skulduggery, and his arms around her, stroking her cheek softly.

'You love her' Ghastly said, his voice quiet

Skulduggery looked up at him, and said nothing for a while

'I do' he said eventually

'You've always loved her'

'Yes'

'She's young'

'I know that'

'But…she loves you too'

Skulduggery was quiet

'I think she does'

'She nearly kissed you'

Skulduggery was quiet, and Ghastly knew he was remembering the near-kiss and was probably smiling

'Yes'

'You were meant for each other. It was meant to be'

'Im glad you think so'

Valkyrie stirred then jumped and her eyes flew open

'Bad dream?' Skulduggery asked

'I think so. I can't remember. What time is it?'

'Late'

'Im tired'

Ghastly woke Fletcher up so he could teleport him and Tanith home. Fletcher sat on Tanith to wake her up, and earned himself a kick.

Tanith hugged Valkyrie then Ghastly hugged her then Fletcher hugged her and gave her a high five. Then Valkyrie smacked the back of his head for sitting on Tanith and said she 'takes back the damned hug'

Valkyrie stood close to Skulduggery and as Fletcher was about to teleport, Valkyrie saw Ghastly and Skulduggery exchange a look. Well, Ghastly gave Skulduggery a look but she was sure Skulduggery, some how, exchanged the look. Ghastly eyes flickered to Valkyrie then to Skulduggery and Skulduggery nodded slightly and put his hand on Valkyries shoulder. Tanith looked at Ghastly, confused, and then they teleported.

Skulduggery and Valkyrie jumped of the roof and displaced the air to land softly.

They used the air to go up to Valkyries bedroom and they climbed into the bedroom and Valkyrie turned round to Skulduggery and looked up at him

'Remember when you pushed me down to hide from the people who were looking up at the roof?' Valkyrie said quietly

'Yes' Skulduggery said softly

'Well' Valkyrie said, stepping closer to him 'I didn't want tanith to interrupt us'

She reached up and gripped Skulduggery's collar and pulled him to her, crushing her lips to his teeth.

Her eyes opened in shock when she felt lips instead of teeth, like she was expecting, but she closed her eyes again and wrapped her arms around Skulduggery's neck, moving her lips against his. She didn't want to go anywhere and she didn't have to. Skulduggery's thumb brushed against her cheek and she melted to his body. Skulduggery wrapped an arm around her waist.

Valkyrie broke the kiss and put her forehead to his.

'I love you' Skulduggery said

Valkyrie smiled. She always knew he would be the romantic type. It was typical of him

'Naturally'

* * *

**Somewhere not far from your house, Shakra Flame, Druna Malgood and Flaring Rhythm, plotted to eat you… **


	99. Hard to Swallow, You Me At Six

**Ok. I just had a REALLY, REALLY creepy mental image of Kenspeckle slapping Brendon Uries arse…**

**Am I the only one that can see that? Its SCARRING.**

**Sorry, I just felt the need to share that with someone… **

**:D **

Hard to Swallow- You Me At Six

Valkyrie lay on a bed in Kenspeckles medical bay as he bandaged up her hand and muttered angrily

'I don't know why you let that Flaring one anywhere _near_ the toaster. You knew bloody rightly she'd try something stupid.'

'She was only having fun' Valkyrie said, a weak attempt to defend the mental people.

'She got you hand stuck in the toaster'

'She's a kid'

'She's an asylum seeker more like it.'

'Fair point'

'And pray tell, how did Flaring manage to break her wrist on a _cupboard?' _

'She was trying to find something to get me free with, and then druna slammed the door shut on her hand'

'And then what happened?'

'Flaring swore in Latin and Shakra replied by saying 'my frog has a dagger' in Latin, which didn't help…'

'And does that have anything to do with Shakra having a concussion and druna having a fish bowl stuck on her head and her hand glued to fletchers elbow?'

'Yes.'

'Wonderful'

'Isn't it just'

'WRISTS DON'T BEND THAT WAY!' roared flaring from down the hall

Kenspeckle sighed

'DRUNA MALGOOD! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU BEFORE? YOU ARE NOT A QUALIFIED SCIENCE MAGIC PROFESSOR! DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FIX FLARINGS WRIST! Kenspeckle yelled as he trudged out of the medical bay to tend to flaring

'I FEEL SO EMO!' flaring sobbed

Valkyrie knew kenspeckle was rolling his eyes.

Skulduggery came into the medical bay and Valkyrie smiled

'How are you?' he asked softly

'Im good. I think Flarings suffering more'

Skulduggery laughed

'She'll survive. The good news is she won't be hitting anyone for a while…'

'Oh thank God'

Skulduggery leaned over the bars of the bed and looked at her.

'Are you sure you're OK?'

'Skulduggery, honestly im f-'

Valkyrie was interrupted by Skulduggery dipping low and kissing her.

She stiffened in his arms and then relaxed and wrapped her arms around his neck.

She didn't want to let go and she didn't have to.

Skulduggery's thumb brushed across her cheek and her heart started racing

Neither of them realised Kenspeckle had walked past the door. Stared, stared some more, then walked off plotting how he'd berate Skulduggery about that later.

Valkyrie broke the kiss and then kissed him again, shorter this time, then broke away again.

'I…I'm sorry I just…wanted' Skulduggery said but Valkyrie grinned and flung her arms around his neck. Skulduggery gave up on the apologizing thing and instead hugged her back. He didn't need to state the obvious.

_I love you _

'Skulduggery Pleasant!' Kenspeckle called from down the corridor. Valkyrie felt Skulduggery sag.

'Yes?' Skulduggery called

'May I have a word?'

Valkyrie knew Skulduggery would've rolled his eyes…if he _had_ eyes

'Im coming' Skulduggery called. He hugged Valkyrie once more then walked out of the room.

Fletcher appeared beside Valkyrie, making her jump.

'Your bright red' Fletcher said 'Why?'

Valkyrie put a hand to her cheek and felt it burn

'No reason' Valkyrie said stupidly

'Liar'

'So's your mum!'

'Uh…huh…'

'Shut up'

'Tell my why your bright red'

'No'

'I'll teleport you to the middle of the motorway and leave you there'

'Fine! I'll tell you!'

'Excellent'

'I...I kissed, well, he kissed _me, _but you know uh…'

Fletcher stared at her

'IkissedSkulduggery' Valkyrie said quickly

'WHAT?' Fletcher yelled

'Yeah...'

'He…you…WHAT?'

'Yeah…'

'He's like, 400 and something! He's a _skeleton_'

'Yeah…'

'He's…a skeleton…and…you kissed him.'

'I just, I don't know. I love him'

'B-b-b-but'

'Sorry.'

'What's all the yelling about?' Skulduggery asked

'You…kissed her…' Fletcher said

'Ah. That.'

Fletcher went to grab him but Skulduggery grabbed Fletchers wrists and slammed him up against the wall.

'Calm down, Fletcher'

'How can I? YOU KISSED HER AND YOU'RE A SKELETON'

'Fletcher. Calm' Skulduggery said sternly. Almost fiercely

Fletcher shoved away from Skulduggery's grip and stormed out of the room

'Fletcher! My main man in the caravan! What's wrong?' they heard Flaring ask happily

'Skulduggery kissed Valkyrie' Fletcher growled

'WHOO! About time!' Flaring cried happily

Fletcher probably slapped Flarings broken wrist because she yelped out and kicked Fletcher.

They saw Flaring skipping down the hall chanting 'Valduggery' then falling on her face.

Shakra and Druna dragged after her and Shakra stopped when she saw Skulduggery, and gave him a lovely middle finger. Skulduggery waved back.

He turned to Valkyrie and watched her face carefully

'I think Fletcher found that hard to swallow…' Skulduggery said quietly

Valkyrie nodded

'He did. But he'll be ok'

Skulduggery wrapped his arms around her and leaned his head on top of hers.

'And we'll be together' Valkyrie said softly

'As long as Druna doesn't plan to eat us'

Valkyrie couldn't help smiling.


	100. Do You Know, Panic! At The Disco

Do You Know What I'm Seeing? - Panic! At The Disco

'What song are you listening to?' Druna asked Shakra, who was sitting cross legged under the coffee table, listening to he mp3.

'"I'm Gay"'

'Yeah, but what song are you listening to?'

'"I'm Gay!"'

'I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THAT!!!'

'It's changed… "What a Catch, Donnie"'

'Oh, ok'

'Hey, where's Skulduggery? I've been meaning to steal his virginit- I mean, his car keys…' Flaring said.

'Last time I saw him, he was in the kitchen with Valkyrie' Shakra said

'Excellent…'

'Next time, you're writing us into a Fletchyrie fanfiction…'

'SURE I am…'

'Mutter, mutter'

A muffled version of 'Where the Lines Overlap' by Paramore started to play

'I hear Paramore!' Flaring cried happily

'I think that's my phone' Druna said worriedly

'You said you swallowed your phone'

'I did. I think Fletchers calling…'

'Oh dear…'

'I need to answer it!'

'Yes, well, that's going to be difficult, seeing it's in your stomach. How'd you manage to swallow it anyway!!!' Shakra said, exasperated. First she swallowed the TV, now this.

'Lythia put it in a sandwhich…' Druna mumbled

Shakra did a face palm

'It was kingsmill bread!!!'

'Yes, that makes EVERYTHING better…'

'How are we gonna answer it?'

'I know! Flaring grinned

She listened hard to where exactly the sound was coming from and slapped that part of Drunas stomach- very, very hard.

'HOLY ANDY!' Druna yelled, rubbing her stomach

'Hello?' A muffled voice asked

'Fletcher!!!!' DFS cried happily

'See! I told you! If I slapped drunas stomach in the right place, I'd hit the call button! My stupid theories work!' Flaring grinned.

'What about the sheep and Pete Wentz?'

'Yeah, ok, that didn't work'

'Those poor, poor sheep…'

'Yeah, I don't think Pete ever got over that either…'

**In a Field in Northern Ireland…**

Pete Wentz sat, naked, in the wet field, sulking.

'Why does everything I rape become pregnant!'

**Back in lovely Dublin… **

'uh…Hello? Anyone there?' Fletchers muffled voice asked, from the phone in Drunas stomach

'FLETCHER! Shakra yelled at Drunas stomach 'LOOK IN YOUR KIT BAG!'

There was silence for a long time, then the sound of a zip, then Fletcher yelling in surprise

Druna, Flaring, and Shakra high fived. They loved pulling pranks, nearly as much as sacrificing Pete Wentz.

'Frogspawn in your hackeysack Fletch? Don't let it leek now, tis worth more than gold in some Fanfic' Shakra said in a creepy voice

'What IS that?' Fletcher said, sounding disgusted

'Frogspawn. It cost me a leprechaun and my best Vodka to get it, so dinny let it leak'

'Uh…I'm going now'

'I think that's a good idea, spickle…'

'uh…yeah, bye'

The line went dead.

There was silence for a while.

'Hey, do you wana watch Brendon Urie try and fix the Bentley engine?'

'Did it need fixed?'

'Good God no'

They went into the hall and opened the cupboard under the stairs-to Brendon Urie quietly singing 'I Constantly Thank God For Esteban' and stroking his hair.

He smiled when he saw them

'Urie, we have a job for you' Flaring said

'A job?'

'Yes- a job. No pay. Just the remains of an expensive car'

'Sounds good enough for me'

'And you must sing 'Lying Is The Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off' while you do this job'

'Deal'

'You must repair the engine of a skeletons Bentley'

'The innuendo is wonderful in that sentence' Shakra murmured

'Where's the car?' Brendon asked standing up

'Outside, yonder'

'Indeed'

They stood in the driveway, DFS and Brendon, armed with a tool box, a guitar, and a flask of 'tea' (vodka).

'Right. Are we ready to do this?' Druna asked, grinning and linking arms with Flaring

'Im ready. I need to pee, but im ready' Flaring said, determined

Brendon came out of the house, having to shuffle because of the shackles around his ankles. He smiled at the Bentley, opened the bonnet, asked for a gin, and then began killing Skulduggery's baby.

**Two hours later **

Everyone heard Skulduggery's voice from the hall and they froze.

DFS, Tanith, Fletcher and Brendon stared at the remains of the Bentley engine and panicked

'He's going to KILL US!' Tanith said, freaking out

Shakra looked up into a tree and saw Andy Hurley perched on a branch in tights and a tank top, playing a banjo casually, a bit of straw sticking out of his mouth.

'Oi! Vegan Jesus!' Shakra yelled at him

'Uh huh?' Andy asked, not at all surprised about his situation. One minuet, he was in the bath, the next- up a tree somewhere in Dublin wearing strange things and saying strange things, while talking to the strange people who had blown up his kettle once.

'I'll give you a hundred bucks to take the blame!'

'The blame for what?'

'Gotta go!'

'WHO TRASHED MY BENTLEY!?!?!?' Skulduggery cried

'Damnit!' Shakra said, stopping and doing a face palm.

'Oh my God' Skulduggery said slowly, staring into the bonnet of his poor car. Valkyrie knew he was probably going to eat Brendon, who was singing panic! Songs and trying to pry Flaring of his back.

'I have a feeling its dead' Shakra commented, sipping tequila

Skulduggery sagged

'Alas, all I have left of my worldly riches is my looks.'

Valkyrie was tempted to tap his shoulder and ask 'What the hell am I? Your pet?' Instead she decided to be mean

'You're a skeleton.'

'You really know how to kick a guy when he's down...'

'I learned from the best'

Everyone looked at Shakra

'Hey, hey, Derek had it coming' Shakra said, putting her hands up in defence

'Does anyone know what day it is?' Fletcher asked suddenly

'Only Brendon talks to doughnuts' Shakra said quietly

Brendon nodded in agreement

'Is it Tuesday? Is it really? It's Tuesday' Flaring said, nodding

'First of all' Fletcher said angrily 'Its Saturday. And secondly…it's my birthday'

Fletchers bottom lip jutted out and everyone stared

'Your….birthday?' Druna asked, shocked

Fletcher nodded and DFS grinned

**2 hours, alcohol, and a kitchen later…. **

Its was 9:00 at night, and everyone stood in the kitchen, laughing and hiding the alcohol from Druna.

It was Fletchers eighteenth, apparently, and he was chuffed he had gotten a birthday party after all. Even if no one knew what age he was…

It was crowded and happy and warm in the kitchen, with Brendon on a bar stool playing guitar and singing, DFS singing along and putting cake in each others faces, Ghastly and Tanith dancing and laughing, Fletcher still being chuffed and eating Doritos, and Skulduggery and Valkyrie laughing and flirting.

A few other people were there too- some of DFS's friends. Lythia Harpen, MercyFul Fear, Neera Pryditor **(A/N See? You SEE TheBlueBottle?! You think I'd forgotten you! MWAHAHAHA!), **Roma Flame, and a few others.

Flaring stood up on the kitchen table and raised her orange juice glass(that was the only thing she was allowed after the whiskeys…) . She linked arms with Shakra, Druna, and Lythia.

'To Fletcher, and his unknown birthday, to everyone who's ever wanted to wear Brendon's skinny jeans, to the Duggery crew, to insane pairings, dead Bentleys, Freaking out people, and one hundred chapters of…something. SLUGS!'

Everyone cheered as raised their glasses of whatever the hell they were drinking.

The madness went on, and everyone danced and laughed and Brendon sat on Druna, then the thing that everyone expected to happen, happened.

Valkyrie started laughing and head banging along to 'It's Time To Dance' and Skulduggery grabbed her waist and pulled her close and they started dancing laughing then Valkyrie looked up at him, took his skull in her hands, reached on her tip toes, and kissed him

'Do you know what im seeing?' Druna asked Shakra

'Not really, no…'

'I'm seeing a lot of annoying pairings, drunkness, and the fact Brendon Urie just gave me a lap dance'

'Good times, good times…'

'Indeed deary, indeed. … Can I have that Whiskey?'

'Naturally'

Everyone cheered and someone wolf whistled. They suspected Flaring. Brendon started playing a song, that had everyone singing and laughing

_If all our life is but a dream  
Fantastic posing greed  
Then we should feed our jewellery to the sea  
For diamonds do appear to be  
Just like broken glass to me_

And then she said she can't believe  
Genius only comes along  
In storms of fabled foreign tongues  
Tripping eyes, and flooded lungs  
Northern downpour sends its love

_Hey moon, please forget to fall down  
Hey moon, don't you go down  
You are at the top of my lungs  
Drawn to the ones who never yawn_

'Sometimes I lick windows'

In a field in Northern Ireland, three girls poked Pete Wentz with sticks.

**YOU DIDN'T EXPECT THE BIRTHDAY OF FLETHCER DID YOU! NO! YOU DIDN'T! I AM **_**SMART. **_**Well, will you look at that? 100 chapters and not tad more sane. Oh thank God. THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO'S REVIEWED, PUT ME IN THEIR STORIES, AND READ MY RANDOM SCRAWLINGS- YOU PEOPLE ROCK- AND I SHALL NOT EAT YOU... well… I'll try not to. If you think that's the end of It, if you think when I've reached 100 I'll stop and be sensible- to you, I say 'What the hell are you smoking?' IM NEVER GIVING UP! AND THAT CHAPTER WAS ABOUT EVERYTHING MY FANFIC STANDS FOR! RANDOMNESS,HUMOUR, FUN, LAUGHS, ROMANCE, SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT, AND ANYTHING ALSE YOU CAN THINK OF! And some of you who think I've forgotten, I haven't, I just don't have enough room for yer names. Anyone who was on my thank you list, I thank you guys too, for being awesome and insane :D **

**PEACE OUT CHILDREN, AND DON'T GET TOO DRUNK! **

**Love n peas j'adore yer ma, **

**Flaring**

**(Druna + Shakra, this is mainly dedicate to you guys, for being awesome, lovely, insane, and for Druna getting me a Paramore ticket…You guys ROCK and put up with my window licking… I love you guys, and I don't know, maybe you have some mild affection for me too…Big hugs n kisses and F.O.B luvage!!!! XOXOXOXOXO) **


	101. The Crazies, Replica

**Happy blimmin' late birthday Lythia Harpen! ;) My main man in the caravan from NZ ;D enjoy! Xoxox**

**I, um….believe…**

**I've been a slow writer…. **

The Crazies- Replica

Valkyrie walked into the huge back garden of Gordon's mansion and stared.

'Why is there a giant paddling pool in the garden?' She asked, coming to a stop.

'For the manatee' Druna answered brightly, filling the paddling pool to the brim.

'Oh. Of course…'

'Yes.'

'Hang on- the MANATEE?!'

'For Lythia's party! We wanted a shark but the insurance wouldn't cover one…'

'…'

'We named it Jeremy'

'…'

'And we were thinking of getting a beaver for it to play with?'

'No…beavers' Valkyrie said through gritted teeth

'An otter?'

'No otters!'

'My little brother?' Flaring pitched in

'N- what?'

'I've always liked the idea of feeding little brothers to Manatees…'

'I'm going now.'

'No! Wait! We're about to teach Jeremy tricks!'

'Gah!' Valkyrie said in exasperation as she walked into the house

'Why is there a paddling pool here?' Skulduggery asked, rounding the corner.

'Wouldn't _you _like to know?' Shakra said, wrapping cello-tape around her hand for no reason apparent.

'Yes, actually, I would'

'This discussion is over'

'But-'

'Case closed!'

'Very well…'

________

Later on in the house, everyone was getting ready for Lythia coming. Most of the food was ready, and the house was done with over the top decorations- with the help of Brendon Urie, Fall Out Boy, and an unwilling Tre Cool who spent the day arguing about how one day he would be the next Doctor Who…

Flaring, Shakra, Druna had made a huge cake that was slightly lop-sided and a strange colour with too much sugar and chocolate, too many candles, and no proper form. They smiled at it proudly

'What is _that?_' Valkyrie said in disgust

'It's a cake' Flaring said defensively

'It looks horrible'

'As a famous magician once said, don't eat with your eyes, eat with your tongue' Druna said in a voice full of wisdom and lunacy

'Why did a magician say that?' Valkyrie asked

Druna shrugged

'He was a wana-be chef?'

Skulduggery walked into the kitchen and sagged

'For the love of God can somebody _please _clean these worktops?'

Everybody looked at the flour covered worktops foolishly, and Shakra did her best to not look at the ceiling- encase anyone noticed the egg dripping from the ceiling.

'Flaring, you do it' Skulduggery said, catching Flaring as she tried to edge out the window.

Skulduggery threw a dish cloth at her and it hit her face. He threw a bottle of Mr. Muscle worktop cleaner to her as well. It hit the floor and two seconds later Flaring reached out her hand to catch it.

'Can I not just lick them instead?' Flaring asked

'Flaring, so help me I'll-'

'Ok, ok! Never mind!' Flaring said, picking up the worktop spray. 'We'll get him while he sleeps' She murmured to three of her doom pigeons sitting on the windowsill. They cooed appreciatively.

Flaring sprayed the worktops and then sagged when she realised she sprayed her chewing gum with lavender kitchen cleaner.

She looked around to make sure no one was looking and she put it in her mouth- hoping it didn't taste like lavender and bleach.

It did.

'Arghhhh! I'm…meeelllttttiiinnnngggg….!!!!!' Flaring screamed, clutching her throat and sinking to the ground in a slow and dramatic way.

Skulduggery rolled his eyes

'I heard somebody melting?' Fletcher asked, poking his head around the door.

'Aye, 'tis' Shakra said, in an Irish-Scottish accent

'Uh…huh…' Fletcher eyed the cake suspiciously- like someone was going to jump out of it any second- or like there was a bomb inside.

_Inside the cake, Brendon Urie sat, stroking the bomb. _

Fletcher got a glass of water and took a large gulp. Druna saw this as an opportunity to make him choke.

'SKULDUGGERY IN HOTPANTS!' she yelled

Fletcher coughed and spluttered and spat out the water in his mouth, trying to get the mental images out of her head.

A good part of the water landed on Shakras head- and her hair went flatter than Patrick's Crème Brûlée.

At this exact moment, egg dripped from the ceiling and flattened Fletchers hair. He sagged.

'My hair is flat.' He said

'Stating the obvious' Valkyrie muttered

'MY hair is flat.' Shakra retorted.

'My hair is flatter!'

'You plastered my hair with eggs!'

'You plastered my hair with water from yer damned cake hole!'

'No I didn't!'

'You did! Just there!'

'Oh. Sorry bout that.'

'No hard feelings sock puppet, no hard feelings'

'I lick windows.' Flaring said from the floor.

'Ok! We're gonna need a lotta chocolate and ice cream, Loud music, an- Footsie that isn't a real gingerbread house!' Freedom yelled from the hall

Everyone jumped in surprise and then DFS were in the hall giving their friend a massive hug and getting serious hand cramp, but they didn't care. Footsie perched himself on Shakras head, and settled down, cooing wildly.

Delphian was next to arrive and got the same hug treatment, except Flaring jumped on her back, grinning wildly.

Many other people soon arrived, bearing dangerous alcoholic drinks, explosives, sugary crap, and gifts for Lythia.

Arabella Blue-Dusk, Nerdy Skeleton, Amithest Moss, Rialla Shadows, Silvrenniel, TheBlueBottle, Sydney Jones, Oceane LeClaire, Tunica Spellcaster, Zondell, MercyFul Fear, Neera Pryditor, Roma Flame, Cernunnos Cain, Delphian Bleak, Mademise Morte, Crystal Rosen, Basic Bookworm, Annie Of Belle, Amara Calla, Ryson 'O' Roarke, Fayth Silver, Flarming Night, Acacia Volt, Violat Nymph, and many others that provoked and scared Fletcher.

Finally, after cream, arguing, hugs, and loud, hyper and happy music, the door creaked open and Lythia bounded in, grinning hugely

'Honey! I'm hoommee!' she yelled happily

A blur of bright red flew across the room then Flaring was hugging Lythia tightly round the waist

Then two more people flew across the room and Druna was on Lythia's back hugging her and Shakra was hugging her and probably cutting of any air she had left

'HAPPY BIRTHDAY...Ly...th...i...damn it! line?!'

Flaring face-palmed.

'Lythia!'

'Oh, oh, yes! Lythia!'

'Ug, I'm bored. Wanna go poke the manatee?' Guy Ripley asked anyone who was listening.

'Indeed!' Druna said, randomly holding a snorkel.

'...Guys! Come back! Lythia needs to cut the cake!' Fletcher said. He wasn't too sure if Lythia needed to cut the cake- he just wanted hugging, as he watched everyone wander off to destroy the house and find alcohol.

'Gabe! Stop raping the manatee!' Guy Ripley yelled from the garden.

'Happy birthday Lythia-Pythia!' Shakra cackled

About thirty people joined the hug group, with Lythia, Druna, Flaring, Shakra and Fletcher in the middle. Fletcher had wormed his way in so he could feel chuffed he was being hugged by so many girls at once.

Lythia grinned.

The festivities started and continued with drinking, laughter and Flaring screaming at Patrick Stump that he was thin while he tried to ignore her and sing 'Hot Mess' with Brendon Urie on acoustic Guitar…

'I'm the invisible man!' Lythia screamed drunkenly, singing along to Pavlove by Fall Out Boy.

'Who fed her crack?' called Freedom

'No, I am, watch!'

Lythia picked up a blanket that was draped over the arm of the sofa and put it over her head, still singing.

'It's quite unsettling when asylum seekers put blankets over their heads' Skulduggery murmured to Ghastly.

'Hey! That's my invisibility cloak!' Lythia protested, taking the blanket off her head and draping it over Fletcher who was trying to chat up Hayley Williams who was successfully chatting up Josh Farro.

'Cake time!' Sydney Jones yelled, grinning.

Everybody whooped and somebody declared 'Free Tip-Ex' then everybody filed into the kitchen.

The cake stood large, lop-sided and sugary on a massive plate on the worktop. It was covered in sprinkles and chocolate decorations and little flags and candles that had green flames.

Lythia laughed

'Pete _shall _be happy' she murmured, holding a red balloon that had just materialised in her hand.

Three minuets later everyone was screaming Happy Birthday and Lythia was on Fletchers shoulders, grinning and totally content.

Everyone was given cake and Skulduggery was so glad he couldn't eat it even if he wanted to. He soon abolished the idea of ever wanting to eat it_. _He mentally stood on it, ripped it up, drowned it, burned it to a crisp, and then ate the crisp.

Flaring remembered the Manatee swimming pool in the garden and grinned wickedly. She huddled together with Druna and they murmured then laughed and kept shooting glances at Jeff Schroeder and grinning evilly as he ate some cake and chatted with Patrick Stump, who had Shakra attached to his leg, occasionally mumbling 'I adore you' in her deranged Canadian accent.

'Excuse me ladies, but we need to borrow Man-Child for a second' Flaring said, her and Druna prying Shakra from Patricks leg

They murmured a plan to Shakra and she grinned and nodded happily.

'Hey, Jeff?' Druna asked

'Uh huh?' Jeff asked, looking round and smiling.

'Everybody's going skinny dipping in the Manatee pool in five minuets- you in?'

'Uh…sure'

'Great' Druna grinned

They walked away, Shakra linking arms with Patrick.

'Are we skinny dipping?' Patrick whispered, pretty creeped out. He didn't even know how he'd gotten to a random house in Dublin…

'

Can I skinny dip?' Shakra asked hopefully

'NO!' Druna and Flaring cried, horrified at the mental images.

'You suck. Patrick, can we skinny dip?'

'HELL no!'

'Aww.'

Everybody was herded outside and shock and amazement were clear on the faces of the guests.

The sky was a midnight blue and the garden was covered with bright lights and lanterns and streamers hanging from trees. The Manatee pool had strangely expanded in size till it covered a good part of the huge garden, and it was illuminated with white lights. The Manatee, Jeremy, swam happily around.

'Happy birthday' flaring grinned and hugged Lythia again, her bright red hair especially bright in the colourful lights.

Lythia hugged her back

'Ahh, the joys of drunken friends' Lythia grinned

Everyone climbed into the pool, with their clothes on, except Fletcher who just wore his knee length army shorts. He forgot to take his phone out of his pocket and he sagged unhappily when water sloshed around in the screen and the Nokia ring tone started playing, then went completely out of tune and stopped, and sparks flew from the keypad, and a puff of smoke swirled up.

Flaring and Valkyrie had an underwater handstand competition and Flaring tried to superglue Skulduggery's hat to the floor of the pool but he grabbed her and held her high above his head as she screamed and swore in four different languages, the fourth one totally made up, before he dropped her into the water.

Druna sat on Fletchers shoulders, Flaring sat on Ghastlys shoulders, and Shakra sat on Patricks as they tried to shove each other off yelling and laughing.

Then the back door creaked open and Jeff stood, completely naked.

Everyone stared, too shocked to even laugh.

'…Did I miss something?' He asked quietly

Everybody roared with laughter and Lythia nearly died laughing.

'HAPPY BIRTHDAY LYTHIA BLOOMIN' HARPEN!' Shakra, Druna, and Flaring screamed, as Jeff went to find some underwear....

_______

**I am soooo blimmin' sorry for not updating!! I've been busy with revision crap, Thailand, and getting the laptop fixed after killing it…**

**Sorry for the chapter being crap as cheese but I am lacking ideas! **

**I love the biscuits out of Lythia and hope she had an awesomeness birthday ;) **

**Disclaimer- I do not own anyone from any bands but I have some degree of power of Skulduggery himself… **

**That's not much of a disclaimer, is it? **


	102. We're So Damned Pathetic, Vinatage Head

We're So Damned Pathetic- Vintage Head

Gustav Salvo was the guy's name. The guy Skulduggery and Valkyrie had been assigned to arrest for the murder of three sensitives and the attempted murder of a fourth, simply because he didn't like sensitives.

He sounded like a creep, in Valkyries opinion.

The main downside of the assignment though, was having to work with Detective Pennant. He didn't like Valkyrie and she didn't like him and she certainly didn't like the plan.

The scene was set. A sanctuary annual ball. Everybody would be invited. Sensitives included, and Gustav wouldn't miss an opportunity to kill 20 sensitives then simply blend into the crowd and leave.

Well, that's what Pennant claimed.

Valkyrie had valiantly protested for two solid days about having to catch a bad guy, while she was wearing a _dress_, to which Skulduggery had replied he would have to catch him while he was wearing a suit, and Valkyrie told him he always wears suits anyway to which Skulduggery had told her to shut up.

______

Valkyrie tugged at her dress, scowling. It was floor length and black and elaborately simple, as China had described it when she'd picked it out. Her hair was loose. Skulduggery, standing close beside her, was wearing a black suit.

'You do realise I hate this plan?' Valkyrie asked

'So you've said'

'And I have Pennant'

'I believe you…'

'And I hate _you_'

'Now, to need to be irrational'

Valkyrie rolled her eyes.

They entered the ball room, and Valkyrie was shocked by the number of people.

There was a good two hundred people in the ball-room. It was decorated and most people were dancing.

Skulduggery took her hand and led her near the middle of the dancers.

'You look beautiful, by the way' Skulduggery murmured in her ear.

Valkyrie blushed but said nothing.

Skulduggery put one hand on Valkyries waist and the other hand in hers. Valkyrie put her hand on Skulduggery's shoulder.

'So what's the plan?' Valkyrie asked

'Right, well, one of the Sanctuary's sensitives are waiting out on the balcony, and we've made sure that Gustav definitely knows he's a sensitive, when we see him, we'll follow him to the balcony, kick him, and arrest him'

'Ah, kicking. It'll never get old…'

'Good girl'

Valkyrie smiled

'You really _do _look beautiful, Valkyrie' Skulduggery said softly

'Your not so bad yourself' Valkyrie grinned, punching Skulduggery's shoulder lightly.

He chuckled, and then suddenly he pulled her closer, lightly pushing her head to lie against his chest. Valkyries stomach fluttered.

'Don't look up' he murmured in her ear

'Why?' Valkyrie whispered back.

'Gustav is two people away from us'

'Just arrest him now'

' I Can't'

'Why?'

'He's got a gun. We'll get him away from people and _then _arrest him'

'Ok'

'For now, keep your head down so he doesn't recognise us.'

Skulduggery kept his head close to Valkyries for a few minuets while her heart thumped then he moved

'Alright, go' Skulduggery broke away and sprinted through the ballroom, Valkyrie struggling to keep up in her dress.

When she got to the balcony, a man in a sapphire blue suit had a gun pointed at a tanned man with dark hair and a dark green suit, who had a gun pointed at Skulduggery, and another gun pointed at the man in the Sapphire suit.

'Well' the man in the green suit said in an Italian accent 'This is bloody interesting…'

'You're under arrest' Skulduggery said to him. The man in green was Gustav Salvo

He laughed.

'Pathetic, you think I'm afraid of your little toys?' He asked, nodding to the guns.

Skulduggery's gun didn't waver, neither did the sensitives

Salvo noticed Valkyrie

'Well hello mademoiselle' he smiled, then before Skulduggery or Valkyrie could react; he grabbed Valkyries neck and put the gun to her head

'Let her go' Skulduggery said, fury in his voice. He took a step forward.

'Ah ah ah ah' Salvo said, wagging his finger. He pressed the gun into Valkyries temples and wrapped his arm tight around her neck

'Another step closer and your pretty lady friend gets it' He said. Skulduggery didn't move, or say anything.

'Tell you what. You let me kill this fine gentleman here and let me walk away, and I'll spare this fine lady' Gustav smiled.

'No' Skulduggery said

'Then it looks like this is going to be a movie style stand off' Gustav grinned

Nobody moved

'You don't watch much movies with stand-offs in them, do you?' The man in the sapphire suit asked

Salvo shrugged

'Iron Man, Transformers, Avatar….not many stand-offs in those movies, are there?'

'Not really, no…'

Valkyrie let shadows curl around Gustav's gun and she used the shadows to yank it from his hand. It skidded across the floor and fell off the balcony.

'That wasn't fair' Gustav said quietly.

Skulduggery ran to Gustav and Valkyrie ducked as Skulduggery landed a punch in Gustav's throat. He groaned and landed in a heap.

Skulduggery pressed his knee into the small of his back and clicked a pair of handcuffs around his wrists

'Pathetic, are we?' Skulduggery asked smugly

Gustav groaned.


	103. From Now On We Are Enemies, Fall Out Boy

**Right. **

**Right. **

**I was about to upload this when I realised it says this is the last chapter I am able to upload to this story because theres no more room on this story! XD so it will continue in another songfic starting from chapter 104. :D Delphian, sorry for not updating yer b-day chapter but I need more ideas XD So while yer waiting, here's some ficcys to keep you going. Oh! And I SWEAR I'll update The Orphanage really soon XD Thank you for all the awesome reviews and reading ;) And this isn't the end of Songfic…it's practically just the beginning… *cackles* **

**Lots of love and cheese, Flaring. **

**Oh aye, this is set after Dark Days, and I wanted to do this simply because I hate Solomon… **

From Now On We Are Enemies-Fall Out Boy.

Solomon had arranged to meet Valkyrie Cain at the Necromancy Temple. He had told her to come alone.

When he saw her approaching, at first, he was hopeful that maybe he could pry her away from one Skulduggery Pleasant, but then a tall thin figure appeared beside her, and Solomon wanted to bang his head off a wall.

'I told you to come alone' Solomon said dryly when they were close.

Valkyrie shrugged and said nothing. Pleasant had a smug air about him.

'She doesn't trust you anymore' Pleasant said happily

'Mmmm' Solomon murmured. He resisted the urge to crush the skeletons skull.

'I know why you want me here' Cain said coldly 'You think I'm the Death Bringer'

Solomon was about to speak when Valkyrie put her hand up to silence him

'I'm not finished yet' She said. 'I understand that being the Death Bringer is a good thing, but I don't want to be the one. I think there's something else that you're not telling me, I think theres something bad going on. And I've also made the decision I don't want to be a necromancer any more. And I don't have to give you a reason. Sorry'

Valkyrie pried the ring off her finger, and Solomon stiffly held out his hand. Valkyrie dropped the cold metal ring into it.

'Are you sure?' Solomon pressed.

'Very. I don't need Necromancy. I've got possibly the strongest Elemental teaching me elemental magic, so I don't need this. But I'm sure, unfortunately, we'll meet again'

'I guarantee we won't be on good terms'

'I don't care'

And with that, she turned and walked away at Pleasant's side without a second glance.

Solomon stood glaring at their backs, quite shocked, and extremely angry. _But_, he reasoned, _but maybe he could still get her away from the skeletons side. Maybe. _

He watched Skulduggery twist his hand around Valkyries and the bit of hope Solomon had left vanished. Not even a bloody crane could separate them now, if they were in love.

Solomon turned and stalked off, wanting nothing more to kill Valkyrie Cain.

From now on, they were enemies.


	104. Heartbeat, Scouting For Girls

**Wait a second. **

**It's letting me upload more chapters…**

**Ok, scrap the plan of Songfic 2… **

**Oh yeah, and a few things to say and yell and announce…**

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!!! (Patrick Stump, for those of you who don't know…)**

**AND I officially copy-right 'Window Licking' in any sense, because I can, with the copy-right exception to the DS of DFS because we are the one and only crazies and you can't have one without the other two, unless, you know, the other two find cake or something… **

**AND I'd like to say that 'Dancing Crabs' were Druna-awesomeness-sexy arse- Malgood's idea and she probably copy-rights them too… **

**AND **

**Actually, I've forgotten…Oh! Wait! I remember… **

**I sort-of-to-an-extent copy-right my story things if you know what I mean ….because I don't. **

**AND – the most important crucial thing of all which you HAVE to do…**

**You know what? I'll tell you next chapter….**

***cackles* **

Heartbeat- Scouting for Girls

China sorrows finished etching the last ornate tattoo into Skulduggery Pleasant's collar bone and nodded.

'There, that should be it. I've managed to extend the time you can use it to eight hours a day. You can start using it when the tingling stops.'

Skulduggery nodded

'Thank you' he said quietly, trying to keep the edge of pain out of his voice.

Valkyrie sat close by him and peered up at his skull, worriedly.

It must've been quite painful because Skulduggery had held Valkyries hand tightly the whole time.

'But I suggest you go to Kenspeckles when you first try it because becoming human again from being a dead skeleton may cause you to drop dead and I don't imagine Valkyrie would be too pleased about that…'

Valkyrie blushed

'Everyone would be distressed if I died…again.' Skulduggery agreed, back to his old egotistical self.

China rolled hey eyes

'Good luck with the tattoo's' she said

Skulduggery got up and started through the library, Valkyries tagging along beside him.

'Did I hurt your hand?' Skulduggery asked as they walked to the door

'A bit' Valkyrie admitted.

'Sorry' Skulduggery murmured. He took the hand he'd been holding, gently this time.

'S'ok'

Skulduggery left his shirt open at the top and his tie loose, and Valkyrie could see the chalk white bone and the tattoos. They drove to Kenspeckles in silence and Valkyrie tried to imagine what Skulduggery would look like with flesh and blood.

Ghastly had made a new set of clothes for Skulduggery two days earlier, to fit him when he was human. Skulduggery brought them into Kenspeckles with him, and he and Valkyrie sat on a hospital bed, waiting for the tingling to stop. Valkyrie was impatient, swinging her legs and listening to her ipod, when Skulduggery stood up.

'What?' Valkyrie asked

'It's stopped tingling'

'Oh'

'I'll be back in a minuet, and if an amazingly good looking man comes back instead of me, don't hit him. He probably _is _me.'

Valkyrie rolled her eyes and watched Skulduggery walk down the corridor and disappear around a corner.

Kenspeckle came in carrying glass tubes. He set them down on the table, dusted off his hands and placed them on his hips, looking at Valkyrie.

'I'm surprised you don't have an injury' He said

'Yeah, so am I'

Kenspeckle was quiet for a second.

'Is there something I don't know about Valkyrie?'

'I don't take drugssss….' Valkyrie said, doing a shifty eyes Druna would be proud of.

Kenspeckle rolled his eyes

'I'm not fooling around Valkyrie. I think, if I'm not mistaken, even though I hope I am _totally_ mistaken, that you and Pleasant are…'

Valkyrie stared

'_Please _tell me you're joking'

'I'm joking'

'Oh thank God'

'Actually, I'm not, you just told me to say I was joking so I did…'

Valkyrie sagged, and then remembered what she was arguing about.

'I am _not- _ugh!'

'Not what?'

'I'm not in love with him!'

Kenspeckle smiled and nodded to the doorway.

Valkyrie turned slowly and did her best to keep her mouth from falling open like a retard fish.

A man stood, leaning against the door frame smirking. He was tall and slim and muscular with high cheek bones and think untamed dark brown hair and deep blue eyes. He looked in his twenties, he had clear skin and looked like one of those models out of some magazine. To put it plainly, he was the sexiest person Valkyrie had ever seen.

'Skul-uhh-grryy?' was all Valkyrie managed, which, admittedly, is not the most flattering choice of first words to say to guys that look that good.

The man's face broke out into a huge grin.

'Hi' he said.

Holy cheeses, it was Skulduggery.

Valkyrie ran to him and then her head was on his shoulder and she was hugging him around his waist, like she hadn't seen him in years.

Kenspeckle rolled his eyes and shuffled out of the room, to give them some peace. He heard a large _crash _then a scuttling noise and he went off to find DFS and shout at them for bringing their damned dancing crabs into a medical science lab.

Valkyrie pulled away to look at him

'Your…human' She stuttered

'I am'

'I honestly didn't think it would work…' Valkyrie laughed nervously

'Neither did I'

Valkyrie grinned

'You have ears' she said, reaching up her hands to cup his face.

Skulduggery laughed

'I have ears'

Valkyrie hesitated, and then gently laid her head against his chest, on his heart.

'And you have a heartbeat' she said quietly. She pulled away to look at his face again, both her hands on his chest. Skulduggery placed his hands lightly on top of hers. Valkyrie looked at Skulduggery and he looked right back at her. Nobody moved, nobody said anything, even the sound of scuttling became nothing but a faint whisper.

'Detective?' Kenspeckle asked, standing in the door way

Skulduggery blinked twice, and then turned around, letting Valkyries hand's slip from his chest to drop to her sides.

'Yes?' he asked

'I would like to run some tests, if you don't mind, and even of you do, I don't really care'

'Certainly' Skulduggery nodded

He walked out of the room swiftly and Valkyrie followed

Kenspeckle ran all sorts of tests on Skulduggery for nearly an hour, Valkyrie sitting beside him on the bed, as they talked about everything from purple cars, to the time Druna had forced Fletcher into a sheep costume.

'Well, detective, everything seems to be in order' Kenspeckle said, putting equipment away.

'See? Perfect body, more that perfect looks' Skulduggery smiled

Valkyrie wondered if his ego could get any bigger- he'd topped Pete Wentz on the ego scale already and that was scarring enough.

'Don't get too cocky' Kenspeckle said gruffly

'But I _am _gorgeous' Skulduggery protested 'Even Valkyrie thinks I'm gorgeous'

'I think you're an egomaniac' Valkyrie smiled sweetly

'Just admit I'm gorgeous'

Valkyrie sighed and rolled her eyes

'You're gorgeous' she said, trying to sound sarcastic

Skulduggery nodded

'I _knew_ it'


	105. When It Rains, Paramore

When It Rains- Paramore

It was cold. It was winter. It was dark. And it was raining.

Fun.

Everyone lay around the living room waiting for the rain to die down, getting warmth from the fireplace, and being pretty bored.

'We never DO anything! And don't pervert that' Druna said

"I'm off to worm my way into and Fall Out Boy fic." Shakra said

"Sigh. What do you WANT to do?"

"Patri-"

"SHUSH SHAKRA!"

"Beat up Scapegrace!" Flaring said loudly

"Bother Crux!" Shakra pitched in, pulling a cricket bat out from under the sofa

"Usurp the Sanctuary!"

"Go kick some Faceless Ass!" Druna grinned

"Find a murderer!"

"Actually...Skulduggery, can we stay home today?" Valkyrie asked sleepily

"Sure Val."

"GAH!" Shakra yelled, annoyed she didn't have an excuse to use her cricket bat

'If you're bored' Skulduggery said to her 'Read this'

He handed her a thick, old paperback called 'How to Build Your Own Fireplace'

"'How to Build Your Own Fireplace' I didn't think it was a real book!" Shakra grinned

"It's a fabulous book."

"I know how to build me own fireplace." **(A/N 'me' was not a typo ;D) **

"How?"

Shakra took the book from Skulduggery's hands and threw it in the fire

"That was a first edition copy." Skulduggery said quietly

"Excellent. Old books burn better."

Skulduggery sagged and went to sit on the sofa beside Valkyrie.

'Hey Shakra, can I ask you a question?' Fletcher asked suddenly

'No'

'What?'

'No'

'It was kind of a rhetorical question'

'And that was my rhetorical answer'

'Theres no such thing'

'Or is there…?

'No'

"You're a monkey!"

"You're weird!"

"Yes! You're normal!"

"Yes! I am!"

"No you're not, you're Fletcher!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're not even human."

"Neither are you!"

"Yes, but that decision was my own!"

"You're a man!"

Shakra froze and glared in a very scary way at Fletcher

"...What?"

"You heard me! Manly!"

Shakra made a noise like a growl and stalked off

Druna and Flaring glared. Druna slapped the back of his head.

"Nice one Renn." She said

"You say it all the time!"

"Yeah, but she doesn't like it! She just puts up with it."

"AH! I hate you all." Fletcher yelled, throwing his hands up in exasperation

'I'm so bored- it's not even amusing' Druna yelled, flopping back onto the sofa

Fletcher mused this then got up and did something nobody expected

"I like to move it move it, I like to move it move it..." he started singing happily and hula dancing.

"Fletcher. That- is officially the most scarring thing. Ever." Druna said, staring.

"No, the most scarring thing ever would be if Skulduggery joined in." Valkyrie said

"Then Ghastly." Fletcher said, still dancing.

"Then Crux."

"Then Scapegrace."

"Then-"

"SHUT UP!" Druna cried and hid under the sofa cushions

There was silence then Flaring-

'Ooooohhhh! Brendon Urie texted me saying 'For the love of God will you please stop stalking me' neat. What should I text back?'

"You're an alien sex fiend" Druna suggested

"What else is new?" Fletcher shrugged

"I wasn't talking to YOU Fletcher!" Druna cried

"Oh. Fair doos."

Flaring turned on her ipod and started making up her own lyrics to Pavlove by Fall out Boy

_Im an overweight man, who can't stop staring at- the cheesecake _

_I want to make you as crazy as me so you can get, get addicted to Frisbee! _

'Enough! Out!' Skulduggery said, getting up and going towards Druna and Flaring who were singing their own disturbing lyrics.

'No! Wait!' Druna cried. She turned to Fletcher.

"Fletcher, can I borrow money?" Druna asked sweetly

"No."

"How about this? You give me money, or I squeeze it out of you like a deranged lemon?"

"Well, when you ask so nicely..." Fletcher mumbled, fishing in his pockets for spare change. He handed Druna £5.98 in change and a gummy worm

'Nice doing business with you' Druna said, then her and Flaring protested loudly as Skulduggery carried them out of the living room, telling them he couldn't take any more Fall Out Boy or creepy mental images of Ryan Ross in hot pants.

'Ahhhh that was a great day' Druna said wistfully as Skulduggery dumped them in the hall

'No, it wasn't. Valkyrie had _nightmares _for God's sake'

'Thank Ryan Ross for that…'

Everyone sat in a comfortable silence in the living room until they heard a scuffle of footsteps, a loud _thump_ and someone laughing. Then DFS appeared around the door and came shuffling in when nobody started shouting at them to go and annoy someone else.

Druna went and sat on Fletcher and he protested then gave up. Shakra sat under the coffee table and Flaring didn't really pay attention to where she was sitting and sat on Tanith.

'Skulllduugggeerrrryyyy' Druna whined

'Indeed?' Skulduggery asked, putting down a particularly charred copy of How to Build Your Own Fireplace.

'Theres nothing to do!!!!'

'I just perverted that' Flaring murmured quietly

Skulduggery cocked his head to the side and then looked up

'How about clear out the attic?' He suggested

'Ye wah?'

'Well theres an attic, isn't there? And knowing what Gordon was like, it's probably a terrible mess filled with unknown shiny treasures…'

'Ohhhhhh shiny' Flaring smiled

Skulduggery was right. The attic was cluttered and looked like Druna's bedroom.

Everybody started rooting through bin bags and card board boxes and Druna put one on Fletchers head.

'I...can't...see!'

'Fletcher?'

'I CAN'T SEE I CAN'T SEE I CAN'T SEE I CAN'T-'

'FLETCHER! Take the box off your head!' Valkyrie yelled

Fletcher stopped flailing around, and removed the box from his head.

'Oh.'

Flaring sat down on an old dusty treadmill and flicked through old photo albums. She pointed to a photo.

'Aww look at little to year old Va- ARHHH!'

Fletcher leaned on the treadmill and his elbow hit a button, the treadmill started, full speed, and sent Flaring face first into dry wall.

'Oh my Tre are you alright, Flaringdoodle?!' Druna yelled

'I've had better days' Flaring said, her words muffled by the mouthful of dry wall.

Fletcher pulled a huge fur coat out of an old antique wardrobe and smiled happily.

Two hours later, Fletcher was lying on the sofa, completely covered by the fur coat, and fast asleep. Everyone had gotten bored of the attic and DFS had gone to make ham and cheese toasties.

Druna wandered into the living room, leaving Flaring and Tanith to fight over the last slice of bread, and leaving Shakra to spy on wizards through curtains.

She noticed the 'Pimp coat' and pulled it on, thinking it was only heavy because of its size, and not because Fletcher was inside it…

She wandered around the house searching for something she could use as a pimp cane.

After two hours of making up pimp lines with Flaring and Shakra, trying to find pimp canes, and studding Skulduggery's skull with diamonds while he meditated, nobody was interested in the pimp coat and it was thrown in the bin

'Let's go bake buns' Shakra said divisively.

Outside, Fletcher Renn woke up, in a bin.

**Right! Valduggery Petition! **

**Anyone who wants Valduggery- copy and paste this to me in a review! Your signings counttt!!! PLEASE! – **

**I, (TYPE NAME) WILL SUPPORT THE VALDUGGERY PETITION AND FIGHT WITH MY FELLOW VALDUGGERY SUPPORTERS FOR THE RIGHT TO BE ABLE TO READ VALDUGEGRY IN THE SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT SERIES! I WILL NOT GIVE UP MY QUEST!!  
SIGNED,  
(YOUR NAME) **

**Thankkk yoouu!! XD **


	106. Take Her Back, Pigeon Detectives

**Thank you so much for the signings of the valduggery petition! Please if you know anyone who wants to sign it (e.g. force EVERYONE to sign it) then just put their name down ;D And sorry for lack of updates! I have two more stories on the way, and the orphanage update hopefully today! :D **

**Signing out with pumpkin squares, **

**Flaring**

**X **

Take Her Back- Pigeon Detectives

**Two days earlier**

_Tanith sat at the small table in Ghastly Bespoke's kitchen, sipping coffee, and watching him make a suit for Skulduggery. _

'_Do you know what I think?' Tanith asked out of the blue _

_Ghastly turned round to smile at her _

'_What _do_ you think?' _

'_I think Valkyrie and Skulduggery would make a good couple' _

_Ghastly laughed _

'_Maybe. God knows the way things'll go…' He smiled _

'_I think they'll end up together' _

'_Who knows'_

_There was a knock at the door. And Ghastly left Tanith to her strange theories to go and open the door. _

_Before he could react, he was on his knees, being shackled by a Cleaver. _

_He could hear Tanith struggling from the kitchen and then she was being dragged out by two Cleavers, who had her ankles and wrist shackled. _

'_Let go of me!' Tanith yelled in fury _

_Guild stepped through the door, and folded his arm, A serious look on his face. _

'_Why the hell are you here?' Tanith snapped _

_Guild smiled_

'_You, Mr Bespoke, Mr Renn, and the Skeleton and Cain have insulted and abused Sanctuary members and have made numerous escapes from prison. It's time you payed the price for that.' _

_Tanith didn't want to hear the words that came next, even though they were to be expected, obviously. Guild hated the hell out of them. _

'_You're both under arrest' _

Skulduggery and Valkyrie sat in the Bentley, perfectly still, perfectly quiet, both looking straight ahead, preparing themselves for a Sanctuary raid.

Valkyrie watched Fletcher, leaning up against the wall, his arms folded. He looked annoyed, and was glaring at Skulduggery, like he'd done something wrong.

'Are you ready?' Skulduggery murmured

'Lets go' Valkyrie said, totally focused, the adrenaline pumping through her, making her shake slightly.

Valkyrie felt Skulduggery smile and they both jumped out of the Bentley and Fletcher joined them as they sprinted.

'We have exactly eighteen minuets to get them before they're transported to a gaol' Skulduggery said as they ran.

'Will we make it?' Valkyrie asked, grabbing Fletchers forearm and dragging him along.

'Well, if the Cleavers don't slice us both into little pieces first then yes, I suppose we could make it…'

'Excuse…me' Fletcher huffed as they ran. He hadn't needed to run anywhere in a while. 'I'm…here…too, so…don't just…say…'both'!'

'Yes, Fletcher, you _are_ here' Skulduggery humoured him.

The got to the wax figure of Phil Lynott and he looked at them and smiled

'Hi guys, do you have a schedul-'Phil paused to check the sheet stuck to the back of his guitar and frowned 'Your meant to be arrested' He said

'Phil, please' Valkyrie begged 'You have to let us in, we haven't done anything wrong! We need to save our friends before they're transported to a Gaol and we'll never see them again. Please, Phil. _Please_.' Valkyrie made her eyes as wide as possible.

Phil looked at them for half a minuet, and then sighed, and the stone door opened

'Thank you so much, Phil, we owe you' Valkyrie grinned

Phil smiled

'I help people who are nice, and you, are one of the rare people who _are_ truly nice'

Valkyrie smiled and then they turned and sprinted through the corridors, and somewhere an alarm was set off. Someone must've noticed them who knew they were fugitives.

And then they came. A good twenty of them, Scythes sharp and glinting in the light, their helmets reflecting Valkyrie and Fletcher's worried faces, and Skulduggery's expressionless skull.

'Damn' Valkyrie murmured

They advanced, pulling their scythes out. Valkyrie clicked twin flames into her palms, and Skulduggery pulled out his guns. Valkyrie got ready to throw them both at an advancing Cleaver when a hand gripped hers and she was in her bedroom.

She whirled and anger flared through her. She could hear her parents downstairs.

'Take me back!' she yelled desperately

Fletcher nearly scoffed

'You're joking, right? They'll tear you to pieces!'

'Skulduggery's still there!' Valkyrie yelled

'He'll be fine' Fletcher said, although even _he_ knew that wasn't true

'Of course he'll bloody not be fine! Take me back right _now, _Fletcher!' Valkyrie screamed angrily

She could hear her parents now, calling her name, wondering what all the screaming was

'Steph? Steph? What's going on?' Her mother asked. She noticed them now, standing in the doorway, but at that moment, all she cared about was saving Skulduggery

'Valkyrie you'll get killed, and for what? Him?' Fletcher asked

Valkyrie snapped her fingers and a flame summoned into her palm. She heard her parents gasp.

'He's my _best friend_, Fletcher' Valkyrie said through gritted teeth 'And I love him'

Fletcher stared

'It's me or him, Valkyrie' He said angrily

'Take me back, _now_ Fletcher!' Valkyrie yelled

'I'll take that as you want HIM then' Fletcher hissed, then he grabbed her arm tightly and they teleported, leaving Melissa and Desmond Edgely stunned and afraid.

Valkyrie raced up to Skulduggery, hitting two Cleavers on her way.

'I thought you were _never _coming back' Skulduggery murmured, going back to back with her

Valkyrie laughed

'I'll always come back'

Skulduggery reached out and squeezed her hand

'You ready?' He murmured

'Lets go' Valkyrie ran forward and lashed out at the cleavers, slicing through them with shadows and throwing them back with the air.

Then someone grabbed her hand and Valkyrie turned to punch them, when she realised it was Skulduggery.

'We have to get to them now' He said

Valkyrie nodded and they ran.

They stopped at the respiratory reception to grab Tanith's sword.

They ran on, Valkyries heard pumping, totally focused.

Then they saw Ghastly and Tanith, cuffed, about to be loaded into a van, accompanied by two Cleavers.

Valkyrie leapt forward, swinging Tanith's sword, and it sliced through the clothing of a Cleaver. She saw Skulduggery fighting the other one. Valkyrie, taking careful aim, raised the sword, and brought it down on Tanith's handcuffs, then on Ghastlys.

'We better get out of here, there's Cleavers everywhere' Skulduggery said

Everyone nodded and they ran through the sanctuary, happy with their triumph. Skulduggery slipped his hand into Valkyries and pulled her up beside him to run.

And despite everything, despite Valkyrie's parents seeing her as Valkyrie Cain, despite her break up with Fletcher, despite the total hilarious and crazy mess they were in-

Valkyrie grinned.


	107. Ever So Shy, General Fiasco

**Psst, you! Yes, you, with the banjo, sitting on the chair! This is a birthday chapter! Did you know that? And have you wished Druna happy birthday? Have you? NO? Well wish her happy birthday Tredammit! This is her birthday chapter! And she spent the morning watching Phineas and Ferb! SO WISH HER HAPPY BIRTHDAY OR FOR THE LOVE OF TRE I WILL SET PETE WENTZ AND HIS SHEEP ON YOU!**

Ever So Shy- General Fiasco

"_Lets get wasted; it's all we ever do. We're so stupid, but that's ok the drunks are our friends"- Ever So Shy _

The cake stood tall, chocolaty, and dangerous looking in front of Flaring and Shakra.

'It's taller than me,' Shakra said quietly

'How do we get the candles on the top?' Flaring asked, looking bemused at the cake.

Flaring and Shakra turned to look at Skulduggery, who was sitting at the kitchen counter, reading Kerrang, because DFS had previously used all the newspapers in the house to start a 'sacrifice fire', and Skulduggery had never gotten round to buying another newspaper.

He noticed them staring and smiling evilly and he shook his head fiercely

'No. No way…' He said

Flaring sat on Skulduggery's shoulders, despite his earlier protests, and stretched her short arms to put a candle on the top of the cake.

'Got it!' She screamed loudly

Skulduggery jumped at her sudden yell and tripped backwards over Shakra who had fallen asleep in a ball on the floor.

Flaring screeched 'Chicken nuggets' as they fell in a heap on the floor.

'Owww,' Skulduggery groaned, heaving himself up.

He looked at his pocket watch, to check it wasn't broken when they'd landed on it.

His head jerked when he realised the time.

'You do realise you only have 45 minutes before Druna comes, don't you?'

'Je suis un poisson rouge'

'Shut up, Flaring'

'Make me'

'So help me if you don't get out of this room now, you'll be in for it'

'I perverted that'

'Out!'

Flaring grinned. And her and Shakra shuffled out of the room to go look for Valkyrie. They found her in the living room sprawled across the sofa blowing up multi-coloured balloons for the party.

'Valkyrie, can we borrow Fletcher?' Shakra asked

'Why are you asking me?' Valkyrie asked lazily

'Cause he IS your boyfriend...'

'FLETCHYRIE DOES NOT EXIST!' Flaring screamed

'VALDUGGERY IS THE SICK RAMBLINGS OF A RETARDED CHILD!' Shakra yelled back

'But it's real!' Flaring protested, hitting Shakra with an umbrella.

'No, that's what the child wants you to think!'

'It exists, GODAMMIT'

'Doesn't!'

'Does!'

'Doesn't!'

'Does!'

'Doesn't!'

'Does!'

'Wow! Calm yer ham!' Valkyrie cried.

Shakra and Flaring looked at her expectantly

'I don't fancy Fletcher, he's annoying and I'd rather kiss slugs than _hold his hand_,'Valkyrie said.

Flaring grinned triumphantly

'And Skulduggery…?' Shakra asked, waiting for the _'Jesus Christ, Shakra of course I'm not going to date Skulduggery he's too old, he's a skeleton and Flaring has bread rolls where her brain is meant to be'_ but it never came. Instead, came;

'So can we borrow the sock puppet?' Flaring interrupted, before Valkyrie could say anything.

'If you want' Valkyrie shrugged.

Shakra and Druna regarded the sleeping form of Fletcher for a long while, as he snored softly.

'Right, there's only one way to do this' Flaring said.

She went outside and came back in with her skateboard.

They rolled Fletcher off the arm chair and onto the skateboard and rolled him into the hall while Valkyrie watched, giggling. They rolled him onto a large piece of wrapping paper they'd spread out on the floor. They covered him in it and fastened it with sticky tape , and after a moment, stood up and smiled at their handy work.

Then Fletcher started snoring lightly, and then he mumbled something about 'Apple tart' and woke with a start.

He squeaked like a girl then noticed the two short crazies standing over him.

'What are you doing?' He squeaked

'Making you a birthday present'

'What? What? Who's birthday is it?'

'Druna's!'

'Oh…what age is she?'

Flaring and Shakra looked shifty.

'As old as time…' Shakra said eventually

Fletcher looked at the clock on the wall.

'What, 4:15?'

'Yep! That's our Druna!'

'Uh…huh…'

Skulduggery walked into the hall, checking his phone and muttering to himself.

He stared at Fletcher wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper.

'Skulduggery! Help! Please!' Fletcher yelled, grabbing any opportunity not to be a birthday present.

'Sorry Fletcher, but I can't help you' Skulduggery said lazily

'What? Why?'

'My hands are full'

'Your only holding your phone!'

Skulduggery held his iphone with both hands

'NOW my hands are full…'

'HELLLPPP!'

'Where are you going?' Flaring asked Skulduggery, sitting on Fletcher to stop him yelling.

'I have to go and collect Druna's birthday present from Valkyrie'

'What did she get her?'

'I don't know, but she said to make sure there's room in the Bentley…'

'Maybe it's a whale'

'I…doubt it…' Skulduggery said, walking out the door.

'Speaking of Whales…remember the manatee?' Shakra asked

'Oh yeah!' Flaring grinned

'Weren't we supposed to give it back?'

'Yeah, but I payed for it under Fletcher's name'

'So we've got it for one more insane party?'

'Yep!'

'Awesome! And this time, I got an otter'

'Sweet'

'And a band'

'What band?'

'Shakra'

'Uh…huh…'

Fletcher was left in the hall, yelling for help, and despite the number of people in the house helping prepare for Druna's epic party, nobody came to help him.

Of course, Lythia came and sat on him and then Freedom Sparks decided he needed a make-over, but apart from that, nobody offered to help him.

Shakra and Flaring came into the living room and Shakra stood on a chair then Flaring stood on Shakras shoulders and they hung up a banner.

'You spelt Druna wrong' Valkyrie noted, looking at the banner

'Tredammit!'

'Oh yeah, and where IS Druna?'

Shakra smiled

'We've got that taken care of…'

**In the caves under Gordon's house… **

_Druna Malgood was chained to the wall, near the entrance of the cave, singing happily to herself and giggling. She was wearing a party hat and swinging on the chains attached to her wrists and ankles. _

_Tanith Low sat on the ground beside her, poking her occasionally with a stick when she laughed to loud. _

'_Why am I here again?' Druna asked, giggling _

'_I honestly don't know' _

'_Yes you do!' _

'_Yes, I do, but I've been given strict orders not to say' _

'_LOL! Flying fish!' _

'_Oh god…'_

**In Gordon's house**

'And who did you invite?' Valkyrie asked cautiously

'Arabella Blue-Dusk, Nerdy Skeleton, Amithest Moss, Rialla Shadows, Silvrenniel, TheBlueBottle, Sydney Jones, Oceane LeClaire, Tunica Spellcaster, Zondell, MercyFul Fear, Neera Pryditor, Roma Flame, Cernunnos Cain, Delphian Bleak, Mademise Morte, Crystal Rosen, Basic Bookworm, Annie Of Belle, Amara Calla, Ryson 'O' Roarke, Fayth Silver, Flarming Night, Acacia Volt, Violat Nymph, Blaise Cipriano, Elvarra Blythe, Ren'ai Tsuki, Draco Malfoy, Robert Pattinson…'

'Wait, what? Robert Pattinson?' Valkyrie interrupted

'Yeah, I bribed him with cake'

'You drugged him ,didn't you?'

'Yes. Yes I did.'

'Ah. Who else?'

'You mean who else did I drug, or who else did I invite?

'Invite…'

'Right. Ok. Right. Well I phoned Dumbledore and requested that everyone from Hogwarts attends and he said he'd get everyone here in exchange for a lemon drop and I send him three so I'm pretty sure there will be Harry Potter whipping tonight. And I just perverted that.'

'Do you want to go get Druna now?'

'Oh yeah, forgot about her…'

***cackles* Sorry for lack of updates, but I updated this, took it off again, updated it again, took it off again, then couldn't get it updated, and now I have to split it into two chapters… **

**Happy birthday Colvin! We forking love you so blimmin; much! Hope you enjoyed that ;D More mayhem and much more Colvin on its way…! **

**XOXOXOOXOXOXOXO**


	108. Ever So Shy, General Fiasco, Part Two

**Woo! Part number 2! :D **

Ever So Shy- General Fiasco

Tanith dragged Druna, who was blind folded, through the house, as she murmured about 'someone turning the lights out'.

Everyone was squashed into the kitchen, so tight some people had to stand in the hall, and more in the living room. Ghastly was rubbing elbows with Dumbledore and Robert Pattinson.

'Lemon drop?' Dumbledore offered

'Uh…no…thank you…' Ghastly said

Druna was carried in, on a chair of wine gums, glued together with Pritt Stick that Draco and Fletcher had made earlier.

'HAPPY BIRTHDAY DRUNA MALGOOD!' Everybody screamed when she came in.

'What? Who said that? Where am I?' Druna cried. Nobody had taken the blind fold of her.

'Whoops! Sorry!' Tanith cried, taking the blind fold off her.

'HOLY TRE!' Druna screamed, grinning. She jumped off the chair and ran to Shakra and Flaring and hugged them.

Flaring giggled

'Rapist penguins…' She smiled

Everyone just smiled and nodded

'PRESENT TIME!' Flaring yelled

'What, Flaring actually managed to remember something like presents?' Druna said, between getting hugs from numerous people

'No, I had to remind her,' Shakra said, pouring champagne

'You entrusted Shakra to remind you?'

'I entrusted her with nothing. I entrusted Valkyrie,' Flaring said, pointing at Valkyrie who was eating crisps

'I knew there was something I was supposed to remember! Fletcher, you were supposed to remind me!'

'Ghastly was supposed to remind me!' Fletcher said

'Whoops...' Ghastly murmured

Druna received numerous CDs, gift vouchers, clothes, a salt shaker (That one was from Gabe Saporta), books, and many other things.

Then Skulduggery came in the door and more footsteps were heard.

'Yeah Valkyrie, thanks for telling me your present to Druna was _Paramore!_ They got glow in the dark paint all over my car!' He shouted as he came in.

Druna gasped

'Hey guys, where's the birthday girl…or…dude. Whatever.' Hayley Williams grinned, coming through the door covered in yellow paint.

Druna squeaked and then ran to Hayley and hugged her

Hayley grinned and hugged her back

'Finally, someone shorter than me…'

'Oh! Druna! One more thing!' Shakra said, going to a large cardboard box.

Druna let go of Hayley and walked over to the box, her eyebrows raised. She opened it and Fletcher tumbled out, covered in wrapping paper and a bow in his hair.

'Happy birthday, Druna,' He groaned

'Fletcher!' Druna cried happily and hugged him.

Fletcher sighed and rolled his eyes then ripped his arms through the paper and hugged her back.

'Cake time!' Josh Farro yelled.

'There's a cake? Is it from Lidl?' Druna grinned

'No, we made it!' Flaring grinned back.

'Yeah…I'll pass…'

'Hey Shakra…if Flaring invited all these people…Who did YOU invite?' Valkyrie asked

'Uh…Old Greg'

'Dear LORD no!' Brendon Urie yelled. He'd had a close encounter with Greg before. It had ended in a gay marriage between him and Jeremy Davis and the explosion of a potato factory.

'I think-' Dumbledore started.

'Wow. That's a first,' Flaring interrupted.

Dumbledore glared, popped another lemon drop in his mouth, and continued.

'I think someone should give a speech,' he said triumphantly, pleased he'd said something relevant to the current events and not relevant to dragonflies.

Everyone turned to Flaring and Shakra. Flaring was licking a window so everyone quickly gave up on her and turned to Shakra, who was shoving cake in Druna's face.

'What did I miss?' She asked, when she noticed everyone looking at her.

'I got a cake' Druna grinned, her mouth full of chocolate cake.

'You have to say a speech' Harry Potter said.

'Your mother!' Shakra yelled, then scrambled up on the table, using Mademise Morte's head as a stepping stool, but she was completely sloshed and just laughed and shouted at Edward Cullen.

'So, my dear cheeses, we are gathered here today to celebrate the birth of the AWESOME Druna J. Malgood,' Shakra began.

'And I'll be validating parking,' Flaring pitched in

'I could say a thousand awesome things about Druna, but why should I? She's right over there, just look at her and you'll see how awesome she is,' Shakra said, pointing to Druna who was eating cake and putting curlers in Draco's hair.

'And if you value your sanity, stay away from the green fish gentlelady in the corner,' Flaring said.

'I'M OLD GREG!' Old Greg yelled

'And I'm Michael Jackson!' Flaring yelled back

'Oh my god! I thought you were dead!' Brendon Urie screamed

Flaring face palmed.

Everyone drank and laughed and ate and played loud music and Brendon got completely pissed and started slow dancing (too fast for it to really be a 'slow dance') with Druna.

Then she noticed Ghastly sitting on a stool and drinking sprite and she decided she hadn't annoyed him quite enough in this fanfiction.

She went over and sat beside him.

'Happy birthday, Druna!' He said brightly 'Having a good time?'

'Indeed I am, fishwife. And my pimp coat is awesome.' Druna grinned. That had been Ghastlys gift to her.

And otter staggered past, falling everywhere an hiccupping. It was followed by a drunk Pete Wentz who was trying to coax it over by saying 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty…'

'Why is that otter drunk?' Ghastly asked confused

'I may or may not have filled the Manatee pool with beer…'

'Oh god. And why is Flaring trying to swim on the floor?'

Druna looked at Flaring, who was struggling to do front crawl along the floor, wearing a snorkel. Flaring noticed them and stood up. She was wearing flippers.

'Why are you still out? It's already past yellow o clock! Go to bed! Now!' Flaring yelled

'I'm a grown man!' Ghastly protested

'Yes, and Tanith is waiting for you!'

'...Oh…oh…OH!'

'Idiot,' Druna murmured

'So did you really put beer in the pool?' Flaring asked, grinning.

'Of course I did, have you really not ever wondered what a manatee looks like drunk?'

'Well duh! Let's roll like bread'

Flaring and Druna linked arms and dragged Shakra out the door with them to go and swim with a sloshed manatee and a sloshed Jeremy Davis.

'I'mmmm aaaa pplllaaaatttyyppuusssss' Fletcher slurred, then staggered over to Druna, 'Heeeelllooo thereee fairrrryyy lady! Haveee you seeeeennn that Carlise duuuuddde? I waaannnnaa eeaaattt hiimmm!' he laughed, hugging Flaring, Shakra and Druna in a DFS sandwhich, then skipped off straight into the front door.

'Owwww' He moaned

'Barbie, you're not doing it right! Like me, watch!' Druna said to Fletcher, then she proceeded to run into the door too, and fall into a laughing heap beside Fletcher.

Draco was watching this through the window, and burst out laughing. Dumbledore smiled and popped another lemon drop in his mouth.

And then something completely out of the ordinary happened.

Monkeys filled the sky, and for once in his life, Skulduggery wished he was able to get totally drunk and knock himself out- so he couldn't remember this day, when Druna had forced him to line dance, Old Greg had lifted up his tutu and yelled Lady Gaga lyrics at him, and now? Monkeys were filling the sky and Pete Wentz was dressed in nothing more than a pair of brown leather hot pants and tribal paint and was Irish dancing.

Nobody knew why they were there, nobody knew what Druna had put in Pete's drink, and nobody knew why the Manatee was clapping enthusiastically.

'Someone better go out and get the girls before they set something on fire or god knows what next,' Skulduggery said to no one in particular. He sure as hell wasn't going to be the one to go and get them.

Brendon Urie finished the last of his gin and called DFS to come back into the house and Flaring and Shakra helped Druna up and they stepped over a giggling Fletcher and went inside.

'Happy birthday Druna!' everyone yelled.

Jeremy Davis, Lythia Harpen and Andy Hurley waved the banner Flaring and Shakra had made. It said 'Happy birthday Droona,' but some had crossed out the 'Droona' and written 'Druna' above it…

Valkyrie intertwined her hand with Skulduggery's, and Druna turned around to glare at them.

'There will be no Valduggery on my birthday!'

'But, me and Skulduggery are going out!' Valkyrie protested

'Not on my birthday you're not! You two didn't get me presents. So I'm stating what you can do instead now. Valkyrie, go kiss Fletcher.'

'But I got you Paramore!'

'Yeah…but, no…but…no. Go kiss Fletchy Wetchy!'

Valkyrie sagged

'Do I have to?'

'Yes.'

'Ah! Fine! Only because it's your birthday!'

'Lovely. And Skulduggery-'

'I got you a present.'

'It was a dictionary. Go kiss China.'

'WHAT? It's a really good dictionary!'

'I wrote it! Now go kiss China!'

'There is no way in hell I'm kissing China'

'I thought there was no way in hell I could teach that manatee to clap and look what happened!'

Skulduggery sagged

'But…but…' He said lamely

'Go, coconut finger!'

Skulduggery grumbled and went to find a spell that would enable skeletons to drink gin, instead.

Druna turned to Valkyrie expectantly

'Please Druna, if you do one sane thing in your life, do this!' Valkyrie begged

'I perverted that' Flaring murmured

Druna grinned

'Kiss. Fletcher. Now,' She grinned, then high fived Shakra, and high faced Flaring.

'What did I do to deserve this?' Valkyrie whined

'You kicked one of my doom pigeons yesterday,' Flaring said

'Yes, well apart from that'

'You broke my ipod,' Joe Trohman pitched in.

'You drank my Smirnoff!' Lythia said

'No I didn't!' Valkyrie said defensively, 'It was Freedom!'

'I'm Old Greg!' Old Greg yelled

'The point is, you have to kiss Fletcher,' Shakra insisted

Valkyrie grumbled then turned to Fletcher, kissed his cheek, then slapped his face.

'I'm never doing that again,' she said decisively, as Fletcher rubbed his sore face.

'On the lips…' Druna said sternly

Valkyrie sighed in frustration then turned and kissed his lips quickly then kicked his crotch full force.

'That's the closest you're ever going to get to losing your virginity,' She said to Fletcher, who groaned and fell to the floor, clutching where the sun don't shine.

Druna grinned happily and everybody sang happy birthday to her.

In the background, Shakra Flame put Patrick Stump in a bag and ran away with him, cackling, and humming happy birthday to Druna, in an Irish accent.

**I believe, I am slightly late with the second half of the birthday chapter, but writers block got the best of me. So- HAPPY (slightly late) BIRTHDAY TO DRUN-DRUN! I loovvee yeee soooo muccchh! XXX **

**Oh and some of you were wondering why I chose 'Ever So Shy' for the songfic title, and the reasons were- Druna sings it all the time, the first line 'Lets get wasted, it's all we ever do, we're so stupid, but that's ok the drunks are our friends' fits DFS perfectly, and it's irony because we are the total opposite of the title! So there. I actually explained something without the occasional 'um' or 'er…' **

**And thank you to Druna and Shakra for MY amazing birthday gifts and the hilarious time we had last Saturday. **

**I don't even remember what age I was… **

**Signing out with cake and affection, **

**Flaring Rhythm**

**Xoxxxooo**


	109. Eyes on Fire, Blue Foundation, Part Six

***cackles insanely* You weren't expecting THAT now, were you? **

**Well. I hope you weren't :B **

**I really am so, so sorry for no updates :( Between exams, and revision, and ice skating training and all round I'd-rather-read-other-peoples-Fanfics-than-write-them-cheers, I haven't really had time, or inspiration, or…um…un-lazyness to actually WRITE something, even though I do have a few things on the go, and some new ideas :D So it's all good ;) **

**Sorry guys! **

**This is dedicated to Lythia-Pythia and Mademise! :) For Lythia being awesome and Mademise being awesome and asking if I'd like to co-write a fic with her :B Thanks guys! ^.^ **

**Extra luvage for my Shakra sex and me Drune-Drune! ;) **

**Oh my Tre Cool. My mother is dancing around the kitchen to 'California English' by Vampire Weekend on MY ipod, and she's playing it out loud and it's the most scarring thing I've ever seen. **

**Stop it, mum. **

_**Please. **_

Eyes on Fire 6 - Blue Foundation

Precarious was the only one who really knew what was going on. Some of the other people in the circle were in on it too, and just as eager to inflict pain and hurt, but some people where just innocent children, really. With no real idea of what was happening.

The camp fire they sat around was a deplorable attempt at adding comfort to the unpleasant and albeit creepy atmosphere.

The American man that Precarious had warned everyone not to trust sat on a log, toasting a marshmallow.

Joshua found he had a strong distaste for him.

'Mr Sanguine,' Precarious said coldly, her black clock hiding her face, 'You have an assignment for us?'

'Indeed I do lil' darlin'' Sanguine smiled. Joshua scrunched his face up in disgust.

'First of all, I would appreciate it if you did not give me such senseless nicknames,' Precarious snapped, her voice colder than usual. She picked up one of the pieces of paper the Texan had distributed to everyone, 'And secondly, from what I see you have asked us to do, you hold a grudge against the young lady and the skeleton?'

Joshua studied her. She was confident and creepy and from what he could see, she had no personality at all. And she was also quite simply evil.

'I do, and I request they are dealt with in the most gruesome way possible,' Sanguine said, taking a bite out of a toasted marshmallow.

The marshmallow Precarious had been toasting, _burning, _for the past ten minutes, slowly melted of the skewer and into the fire.

'Very well. They shall be handled in the most inhumane way one such as you can imagine, and I'm sure it will be to your satisfaction.'

'Well good.'

'But I must warn you, Mr Sanguine, that this may take months. We must find out all we can about the girl and the Skeleton, and we must find out how to get to them. We must devise a long and elaborate strategy.'

'I don't mind'

Joshua wasn't sure what was going on, and a small, somewhat insignificant part of him was telling him to get up now and run as fast as he could. It was telling him he did not want to be a part of whatever was happening.

'We will invite them to stay,' Aracshious guffaw said, in his low, menacing voice, 'We will observe how they work, who they really are. And we shall see how they fight, we will send them away and then we will send them back. Lock them up. I'm sure a spot of torture would be somewhat beneficial.'

There was a low murmur of agreement among the group, aside from the younger ones, who were not aware of the plans going on. The elder ones had agreed it would not be wise to tell them. Some of them were nice; they may try and stop them.

Instead, they shared confused and worried glances at each other.

They were also quite scared of the older ones, and their plans. They were nice and everything, and considerably kind to the children. But they had been known to '_deal with' _some of the other teenagers in the past. The ones who probably 'knew too much'. Those teenagers were not seen again.

'We will be in touch, Mr Sanguine,' Precarious said, standing up.

Everyone else mirrored her actions, some retrieving their robes and cloaks from the ground and draping them over their shoulders.

'Children,' Annabelle Ash said sternly, 'Come, we have work to do'

A tall girl called Jane Adore, one of the 'children', as the Elders liked to call the teens, walked at the back of the group, along with Joshua and a few others.

'What do you think is happening?' She asked in a low whisper in her English accent, brushing her ginger curly hair off her face.

'I dunno,' Joshua said, looking down at the sheet the Texan had given them, 'But it seems we have been assigned to kill the one's Valkyrie Cain and Skulduggery Pleasant'


	110. Gives You Hell, Glee Cast Cover

Gives You Hell- Glee Cast

The last thing Valkyrie heard before she was out cold was 'Look out for that awfully large man with a crowbar, by the way' and then, she supposed, 'that awfully large man with a crowbar' had hit her over the head.

She reminded herself to never let DFS come on an investigation with herself and Skulduggery ever again. Originally, they had been going to see one of Skulduggery's old friends who could help them with a case and who also owned a pub in the middle of Belfast.

Typically, Flaring had offered to lick the windows and Skulduggery's friend had courteously declined which had started some comments to be made and some Ryan Ross quotes to be exchanged, which lead, of course, to Skulduggery having to stick up for DFS and Valkyrie, then the bar man taking a sudden and strong dislike to Mr Pleasant and his friends, and graciously starting a large and chaotic fight, to which the whole bar got involved in.

DFS had cheered them on.

Valkyrie awoke to the sound of two voices. Her eyes were too heavy to open, so she lay where she was and listened to their conversation.

'Yet again, you could've got her killed, detective. You cannot keep her safe for one minuet!'

It was Kenspeckle.

'Professor, I-'

There was a large crash, and screaming then 'That is the hugest caterpillar I've ever SEEN!' and 'Hey! That's Patrick Stump!' then screams of laughter.

Valkyrie didn't have to open her eyes to know that Kenspeckle was pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head.

'I, uh, take full responsibility for the girls and whatever they have just broken…or kidnapped,' Skulduggery offered.

Kenspeckle sighed.

'I wish you could keep those girls out of control, and keep Valkyrie safe, for _once_'

'SKULDUGGERY!' Flaring screamed from down the hall, 'THERE IS A GIANT CATERPILLAR IN THE FRIDGE! ARGHHH!'

'There's no fridge,' Kenspeckle said flatly.

'I thought so'

'And I'm quite sure there are also no giant caterpillars.'

'I thought so too'

Valkyrie could feel Kenspeckle dabbing at her head, which stung.

'Promise me you'll keep her out of trouble for…oh, I don't know, the next hour, maybe?'

'I could probably do that'

'I'll believe that when I see it. You got her hurt going to visit a _'friend'_. It seems all your friend turn against you. I wonder, Mr Pleasant, when Valkyrie will turn against you'

Valkyrie frowned. She didn't like when people talked to Skulduggery like that.

She opened her eyes against the blinding lights, and sat up.

'Ah, you're up, Valkyrie. How are you feeling?' Kenspeckle asked.

'I'm fine,' Valkyrie shrugged.

'Good, you've nea-'

Kenspeckle was cut off by a particularly loud and off-key rendition of 'Mr Brightside' by The Killers, coming from down the hall.

'Detective, see to them,' Kenspeckle said unhappily, gesturing to the door.

Skulduggery nodded, patted Valkyrie's hand, and then disappeared into the corridor.

'I will never understand those girls'

'As it turns out, they have a mental disease'

'Seriously? What's it called?'

'Insanity'

Skulduggery and Valkyrie walked out of the Hibernian in silence for a moment.

'How's your head?' Skulduggery asked, tapping Valkyries head lightly.

Valkyrie smiled

'It's fine, really'

'You were hit over the head rather hard with a crowbar'

'Yes but I was knocked out, so I didn't really feel anything'

Skulduggery sighed.

'I think it was Druna who yelled that 'warning' at you,' he said, using his fingers as quotation marks

'Would've worked if she'd said it like, three seconds earlier'

'Agreed'

'I don't like it when Kenspeckle talks to you that way'

'What way?'

'Like, I don't know, like he's better than you or something'

'I agree. _Nobody _is better than me'

Valkyrie rolled her eyes.

'He's always giving you hell over something'

'It _does_ get tiresome'

'I'll tell him to keep his mouth shut once in a while'

' Thanks, Valkyrie,' Skulduggery said softly after a moment, and Valkyrie smiled and turned to him and hugged him tight.

'No problem'

**I am SO sorry for no updates :S I broke the laptop again…I'd advise you never to download free music. **

**Turns out- **

**It gives ya viruses. My dad wasn't too pleased, as you would imagine, and the technician said it was the worst he'd ever seen, and it took two full days of programming. **

**Whoops. **

**I'm going to Cornwall and Bristol and Bath and Wells in, er, two hours… But it has been made my priority to update me Ficcy :B So I'll try to update while I'm away cause my dad is bringing a laptop thingy (yayy!) which I used to write my Fics on a lot XD So hope that was ok and thank you so much for the reviews! They're all so awesomely nice ^.^ Get me on Facebook as Olivia Spring or Bebo as Flaring Rhythm (duhh) or Youtube as FlaringRhythm or Twitter as FlaringRhythm (or something like that) or Myspace or something XD **

**Thank you so much for being awesomely awesome, guys! I promise I'll have another chapter up soon! **

**Xxxx (x20000) **

**Flaring**

**;D**


	111. To The Sea, Jack Johnson

To The Sea- Jack Johnson

_**The year 1834, 3am, Israel. **_

Skulduggery wandered down the quiet streets, his hands in his pockets, his jacket slung over his right shoulder. He didn't need to worry about wearing a disguise, nobody was there. And even if somebody saw him, he didn't really care. The atmosphere was far too serene to be worried about anything at all.

It was light, even for that time of the day. That's what he liked about being in Israel, it was nearly always light. Which was a nice change. You were never sure if the sun was setting or rising, but it didn't matter.

The only sounds were his footsteps hitting against the stone of the ground, and the waves lapping up at the harbor's edge.

Skulduggery came to a stop at the edge of a harbor, little boats bobbing up and down in the gentle waves. He looked out calmly at the Red Sea, as he rolled up his shirt sleeves to his forearm, and cracked his fingers.

He sank into his fighting stance and felt the lines on his palms where the air connected, and he pushed outwards, watching the little ripples form in the water. The ripples grew larger; forming a sort of whirl pool in the water the further he pushed his palms apart. When the whirl pool became no larger, Skulduggery sagged.

For now, parting the Red Sea was beyond his ability.

He shrugged and wandered away to find Ghastly, as he whistled to himself and his clothes ruffled in warm sea breeze and the wind whistled through the white-washed wooden shutters of the closed shops and houses.

He'd just have to try again in a few more years.

**Sorry for no updates! But I promise there's gonna be some more madness on the way! ;O Including a 'Skulduggery Special' OOOooooOOOooHHHHhH! I hope you enjoyed that, and I have a new story coming up…so if you want your OC to be in it (Unfortunately, they'll mostly be small parts but I'll try my best) please send in their names and a brief description of appearance, accent, personality and so on, but don't go too mad on clothes descriptions! Some of you will be in uniform! Also, characters you've already written into stories are great, but try and think up some totally new ones! And of course you'll get a dedication and acknowledgement! ;O So please send 'em in! OH! KEEP SIGNING THE VP! GET ANYONE YOU KNOW WHO'D SIGN IT AND SEND ME THEIR NAME! But don't send in a name if they don't support it, cause that's pretty unfair XD **

**God, I love penguins… **


	112. Bad Day, Daniel Powter, Two

**This is based on a really good drawing by Nerdlyish from DeviantArt so go check it out :B It's titled Skulduggery Pleasant: Bad Day. **

**Ah yes, on Bebo I was on my friend Sophie B's page and I saw a comment from Derek Landy which read: **

"**I absolutely agree that Skulduggery was a tad cold towards Val, especially at the start, but he's warmed up a lot since then, hasn't he? The way I see it, Val has saved Skulduggery from himself- she's taught him that he doesn't have to be alone, and that it's okay to actually care for someone again" **

**Isn't that seriously just the sweetest thang? I was like 'Oh my Tre that is SO cute! ^.^ So there shall most certainly be a couple 'o' chapters based around that, 'cause it's so sweet ^.^ **

Bad Day- R.E.M

"Are you alright?" Skulduggery asked as the Bentley pulled up at the pier.

Valkyrie looked up, surprised and nodded.

"Yeah, I'm fine"

"Good girl, sleep well," Skulduggery said, patting Valkyrie's shoulder. She got out of the car and scowled as the summer rain hit her face, and she walked a few paces as the Bentley reversed and pulled out of the pier, then she stopped and waited till Skulduggery's tail-lights were out of sight.

When they were gone, Valkyrie walked down to the beach and sat on a rock, crossing her arms. There were still a few hours of daylight left, and it was still fairly warm. And Valkyrie didn't feel like going home yet.

She had had a horrible day.

It started off with two hours sleep, then they were called into the sanctuary only for Guild to introduce them to the new prime detective whose name Valkyrie hadn't even bothered to remember, then he belittled Skulduggery for anything he could think of, and Valkyrie and Skulduggery left in a bitter mood, then Valkyrie was attacked by one of Dusk's infected and she was taken to the Hibernian where Kenspeckle gave off to her and Skulduggery and the rest of the day consisted of Fletcher being extremely annoying and blatantly getting on everyone's last nerve.

So sleep deprived, sore, shouted at and annoyed, Valkyrie was certainly not in a pleasant mood.

She felt her eyes sting and she tried to blink away the tears that now blurred her vision but they rolled down her cheeks and mixed with the rain water. She sniffed and shook her hair free of the water droplets but more fell, even though the sun was out.

She heard a _crunch _of footsteps against the pebbles and someone walked, not far away from her, along the beach. She didn't look up and instead tried to dry her tears, but then she felt a hand on her shoulder and her head snapped up, to find Skulduggery standing looking down at her.

"You're not alright, are you?" He asked. Valkyrie smiled thinly and sniffed, and Skulduggery sat down on the rock beside her.

"What happened?" He asked, cocking his head to the side.

"I just had a really bad day," Valkyrie shrugged, propping her head up with her right hand, "And being really tired didn't help. Not that I'm not grateful, but why did you come back?"

"I knew there was something up, you didn't insult me today. And that's reason enough to be worried."

Valkyrie laughed dryly and she felt Skulduggery put his hat on her head.

"I think I might get Ghastly to make you one of those," he commented, flicking the bow.

Valkyrie snorted

"Yeah, the two crazy hat detectives."

"What a pair we are"

"What a pair we are"

"Come on," Skulduggery said, standing up and taking Valkyries hand to help her up, "I'll take you home"

Valkyrie smiled gratefully and stood up. Skulduggery didn't let go of her hand.

"You should be lucky to have someone as wonderful as me," Skulduggery commented.

Valkyrie laughed.

"Moron," she grinned.

"Just because I'm so wonderful"

Skulduggery let go of her hand and put his arm around her.

"Thanks Skulduggery. Really"

"No problem, my dear"

There was a comfortable silence as they walked, Skulduggery's arm around her, up the beach to Valkyrie's home.

"But I'm still wonderful"

"Oh, shut up"


	113. See the Light, Greenday

**Sorry for lack of updates to this story! I've needed some inspiration XD This isn't a very good chapter but I couldn't think of anything else to write… **

**Enjoy, people! Only 37 days 'til Mortal Coil! ( Not that I'm counting or anything… *looks shifty* ) **

**Oh dear lord, my dad got a Prosecution thing for speeding. It arrived today, in the mail. Along with Shakra's present I ordered for her about five weeks ago. (Yes, Shakra, I've mailed it to YOU now) The terrible crime was committed when were on holiday in Cornwall, and do you really want me to tell you how much we were over the speed limit? Do you want me to give you the HORRIFIC details? Do you really? If you are faint hearted, don't read. **

**We are EIGHT. WHOLE. MILES over the 30mph speed limit. **

**HEAVEN FORBID. **

**I nearly collapsed in despair when I found out this grim fact! **

**Yeah, no. **

**So we were sent a fine or something, for going 8 miles over the speed limit. Seriously. And then me and my dad decided to send this back (we really were going to send this back, but my mother said she didn't want us ending up in jail. Well, she said she didn't want my DAD in jail. She didn't specify not being able to live without her precious asylum seeker child. Thanks mum.) **

"**We are dearly sorry for committing this terrible crime. Cornwall literally blurred past us because of our blinding speed. We were sure old ladies on the sidewalk WHIRLED because of the gust we caused as we passed at our horrific speed. **

**In fact, we're quite sure snails overlapped us several times. **

**Thanks for the fine. We're not paying." **

**It was fun to plan out, at least :D **

**Thanks dudes! :D **

**Flaring out **

**Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo **

See the Light- Green Day

"Where are we?" Valkyrie whispered.

"Tied to each other," Skulduggery Pleasant whispered back.

"Yes, because I failed to register that, Skulduggery."

"Well you did ask where we are."

"I wanted a good answer."

"I think that was pretty good, all things considered."

"I'm surprised you're a detective."

"Likewise. I'd like to see you make a better guess as to where we are."

She did not reply. It was pitch black, and it was hurting Valkyrie's eyes trying to see. She closed them and the uncomfortable feeling disappeared, much to her relief.

They elapsed into silence.

"Do you think someone will come and rescue us?" Valkyrie asked eventually. She was bored.

The silence was almost unbearable, and Valkyrie began to wonder if Skulduggery had gone into meditation to pass the time. It seemed like a good idea.

"Well, seeing as you are tied to the rescuer…no. I do not think someone will come and rescue us," Skulduggery said eventually.

"You're not the rescuer."

"I usually am."

"_I'm_ usually the rescuer."

"Well that doesn't exactly improve the situation, now does it?"

"No, not really"

"We should probably try and escape."

"We're tied with residue thread"

"How did you work that one out?"

"Oh I don't know, maybe the half an hour of struggling which resulted in the thread being even tighter gave it away, but what do I know? I'm not a detective or anything…"

"Ok. I get it."

Their argument was disrupted when there was a large _bang _and running footsteps.

"And you said we weren't getting rescued," Valkyrie said, smirking.

"When did I say that?"

Valkyrie scowled.

"Don't talk to me any more."

The footsteps became gradually louder, and there was the familiar sounds of fighting, then a door was kicked open and a beam of light, that resembled what people described when they babbled about their near death experiences, stung Valkyrie's eyes.

Unfortunately, it was not heaven. And Valkyrie hoped she wasn't having a near death experience. She made out five silhouettes standing in the doorway, three of which were struggling. Those three figures were promptly thrown into the small room, landing in a heap on Valkyrie and Skulduggery, who shouted in surprise.

Valkyrie clicked her fingers, being careful not to burn anyone, and shone the small flame in the direction on the new-comers.

She made out Ghastly, who was lying flat on his back, on top of a particularly disgruntled Fletcher.

Tanith groaned and looked up, grinning sheepishly.

"Hi, Val! We're, uh, here to rescue you…"


	114. Dude, Looks Like A Lady, Aerosmith

**Hi guys! I'm not sure why this chapter is Easter themed…it just is… **

**I found it on my old laptop. I'd probably written it ages ago. It's not very good, but I'm trying to get loads uploaded to this! Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and Fletcher's look was inspired by Pete Wentz, naturally ;D **

Dude, Looks Like a Lady- Aerosmith.

'HAPPY EASTER!' Druna Malgood yelled.

Valkyrie smiled

'Hey Druna, you seen Fletcher anywhere? I want to borrow his hair straighteners."

Druna grinned impishly.

Shakra had bought Fletcher hair straighteners for Christmas last year and Fletcher used them every day. He did not, however, do the same with his brain.

"Yeah, I've seen Fletcher, we gave him a makeover."

Valkyrie spluttered with laughter.

"A makeover? Seriously? How much did you have to pay him to agree to _that_?'

"…Quite a lot, actually. But we're sure Skulduggery won't mind."

Valkyrie face-palmed.

"Please, PLEASE tell me you didn't use Skulduggery's money…"

"We didn't use Skulduggery's money."

"Oh thank God."

There was a long silence.

"You used Skulduggery's money, didn't you?"

"Yes indeedy."

Valkyrie groaned in exasperation and put her head in her hands.

"Don't worry though, Fletcher's make over is Easter themed and everything. The basket was Flaring's idea."

"…The…Basket?"

"Yup! Flame! Rhythm! Bring the prison- I mean, bring Fletcher in!"

Bickering could be heard from the other room, and then the scuffling of footsteps and a dull _thud _which seemed to end the arguing.

And then the door creaked open, and Shakra appeared, looking very pleased with herself. She tugged at someone's arm, and that someone shuffled through the door, looking very unhappy.

Valkyrie stared, too shocked to even laugh.

Between Flaring and Shakra, was Fletcher Renn, plastered in make-up. He wore a bonnet, and his hair stuck out beneath it, carelessly styled into messy ringlets, that resembled and explosion in a mattress factory. His clothing was horrific. A long baby blue dress decorated with ribbons. It looked ghastly, and was completed with his Nike trainers and an abundance of tacky jewelry. He clutched a wicker basket in his hands like a weapon, though it was full of Easter eggs.

Valkyrie soon recovered from the shock and erupted into peals of laughter.

"You…you look…like!" Valkyrie gasped between bouts of laughter

"A drag queen?" Druna suggested, fixing a ribbon into place on the lace neckline of the horrible garment.

"Exactly!" Valkyrie cried, on her knees now.

Fletcher sighed.

"£30…for this…"


	115. We Are The Foolish, General Fiasco

**Hello! *Waves* **

**I believe…I have been neglecting Fanfiction for quite some time… (quite some time meaning something like a week or two, as pointed out by Shakra Flame). But now, I'm back! With strange ideas and a new chapter in progress for every. Single. Story. **

**Happy now? **

**Oh yeah, I THINK there's some new Fanfiction-ers, so hi! Of course, by the time you/they read to THIS chapter, you'll probably've (Mademise, if you point out my horrific grammar on 'probably've, I **_**swear**_**…) been on Fanfiction about a year… **

**So, yeah. This is based on a comic by Emily Good, and I strongly suggest you check out ALL her comics on her Facebook, 'cause they are all AWESOME. **

**Just**

**Like **

**Skulduggery **

**:) **

We Are The Foolish- General Fiasco

The snow fell heavily outside the window, and Skulduggery sat quietly, watching the snowflakes fall. Everyone else was still asleep, so he had Gordon's house to himself. He chose to spend his time enjoying the peace.

About half an hour later, however, the snow was still falling heavily, and Skulduggery could not see much past the window. Footsteps could be heard thumping quickly and clumsily down the stairs, and then Tanith and Fletcher burst into the kitchen, dressed in winter coats and trousers.

They greeted Skulduggery hurriedly and then rushed out the back door and into the snow. Skulduggery watched the blurry outlines of the two has they hurled snow-balls at each other.

A few minutes later, Valkyrie rushed down the stairs too. She burst into the kitchen and Skulduggery realised she was not dressed for the snow. She was still in her pyjamas.

"Hi Skulduggery!" She called cheerfully, wrenching open the back door.

"Shouldn't you wea—" Skulduggery was cut off by the door being slammed shut. He sighed.

Most times, Valkyrie was very sensible. Wise beyond her years. But sometimes, Skulduggery had to question her mental age.

This- was one of those times.

Skulduggery Pleasant set the mug of tea down on the table in front of Valkyrie, and then sat on the seat across from her. They were silent, as Valkyrie shivered.

The snow was starting to melt off her now, dripping into her tea. She stared at it blankly.

"You have to drink it while it's still hot," Skulduggery murmured, gently sliding the mug towards her.

Valkyrie peeled her eyes away from the quickly cooling tea, to smile half-heartedly at Skulduggery. She remained silent, and went back to staring at her tea.

"Hence the purpose of the _warm _tea," Skulduggery prompted. A failed attempt of sparking a decent conversation.

Valkyrie nodded slowly, like she didn't fully understand. If Skulduggery had eyes, he would've rolled them. He raised his right hand and gently flexed his fingers outwards. The water rose off Valkyrie and dropped as a puddle to the floor.

"Are…are you OK…?"

"I went out into the snow…in my pyjamas, Skulduggery. So I'm not entirely sure," Valkyrie said slowly, carefully. Her voice shook.

"As you do."

Valkyrie lifted the handle of the mug and took a sip. Then another. Then another. The colour gradually returned to her once pale face.

"Feeling better?" Skulduggery asked after a while.

"Yeah. Thanks," Valkyrie smiled gratefully.

"No problem. I've always said a good cup of tea fixes everything." There was a brief silence. "Except, say, a death in the family."

"Well, obviously."

"As well as famine, disease, being in prison, break-ups…"

"Alright, alright."

"Sorry."

They elapsed into silence again, as Valkyrie finished the rest of her tea. When she was done, she set the cup down and looked at Skulduggery. She spoke eventually.

"Wanna go have a snowball fight?"

"You're on."


	116. Skeleton Song, Kate Nash

**Hello there! :) Skulduggery has his Façade in place in this chapter :D Oh, if you haven't read the two chapters of Mortal Coil yet, READ 'EM NOW! They're so good :D All I'll say is, Val's getting a stick for Christmas ;D **

**Anyone else like Paolo Nutini? Or am I alone on that one? **

**Peas out, **

**Flaring x **

Skeleton Song-Kate Nash-Made Of Bricks.

"My first kiss went a little like—"

"SHUT UP!" Skulduggery Pleasant yelled in frustration.

Flaring's bottom lip jutted out.

"Why?"

"I've had just about enough of this song!"

"We've only been listening to it for three hours."

"Turn. It. Off."

"Are you going to make me, skeleton man? Are you really?" Flaring asked, picking up an unusually large spoon and waving it threateningly.

Skulduggery grumbled something unintelligible then sat back in his chair and folded his arms. Fletcher laughed.

"You're sulking now," he said.

"No I'm not." Skulduggery pouted.

"Awww, poor Skulleh Wulleh, sulking his little ass off," Druna chided, squeezing his cheeks.

Shakra stopped singing her particularly off-key rendition of 'Hot Mess' and looked at Skulduggery.

"We could play something else."

"Anything, as long as it's not that blasted _3OH!3_."

"Certainly, m'lady. As long as you do the Obama Dance."

Skulduggery came up short.

"The what?"

"The Obama Dance! Everyone knows it!"

"Shakra, I have no intention on dancing like Obama. I am quite content sitting here."

"But are you _happy_?"

"From what I have gathered, I'm fairly certain 'Happy' and 'Content' are along the same lines…"

"I wonder…if I burned all your clothes, what would you do?"

Skulduggery blinked at Shakra for a long moment. Her expression was slightly unhinged.

"Just…Just change the song."

"Will do! Flaring-doodle? Play _it._"

Flaring's eyes lit up. She grinned.

"_It_? Really?"

"Sigh. Really."

Flaring squealed then went to the CD player and put another CD in. Muttering to herself, she flicked through the songs and with a triumphant cry, she turned the volume up and started dancing with Fletcher and Druna to the introduction.

"Skeleton you are my friend-though you are made of bone…" Flaring began singing along to the music.

"Oh dear God."

Valkyrie slid into the Bentley and shut the door. She was holding a CD.

"Morning," Skulduggery said brightly, "Sleep well?"

"I slept Ok. There's this song…and I couldn't get it out of my head all night…" she said, grinning slyly.

Skulduggery cocked his head to one side. "Really? What song is it?"

Valkyrie took the CD out of its case and slid it into the CD player.

_Skeleton you are my friend  
But you are made of bone  
And you have got no flesh and blood  
Running through you to help protect the bone_

Skeleton we have been friends for years  
And you have seen me through some trials  
And tribulations and some tears  
But everybody thinks I'm weird  
And I should have known  
That it wouldn't be long  
Until you, you've got me standing in an awkward position  
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation  
And it's not that I'm letting go of you  
But I don't know what to do  
Skeleton we are so close  
But you have got no body  
So why do you insist on wearing clothes? 

"Yeah Skulduggery," Valkyrie said, grinning widely on the brink of floods of laughter, "_Why _do you insist on wearing clothes?" 

"Damn song…"


	117. Early Christmas Present, Kate Nash

_**SPOILERS IN THIS CHAPTER. Do not read if you haven't read Mortal Coil! Don't blame me! I'm warning you in advance! **_

**Hi guys! I've been away for a bloody long time, haven't I? Sorry about that. I've had major writers block, but I GOT MORTAL COIL! And now I'm going to write some things from Mortal Coil, MY version :D Mortal Coil, was so frickin' amazing. I adored it. It was so, so sad, but It was brilliant. I loved when Clarabelle said "Do I need to change me shoes? I have wellington boots with cows on them." I laughed my ass off. However, I cried my eyes out at the end of the book and when Kenspeckle died. I literally had a mental break-down. **

**It was AMAZING. (Er, not the mental break-down. The book.) **

**So anyway, I'm using some lines from Mortal Coil here, and I will in some future chapters. So enjoy! **

**And yes, I know, the Christmas present chapter was not before Christmas, it was after Christmas. But I thought this song title was sufficient because it says 'Christmas Present' in it. Y'know? **

**Love you guys! Hope you enjoy this! **

Early Christmas Present- Kate Nash.

The face Skulduggery had that day was handsome. His eyes were wide and dark, with thick lashes. His hair was thick and dark and slightly wavy. He had the same high cheek bones and the same jaw. The same waxy skin. His lips were tilted into a small, contented smile. His hat was tilted at its jaunty usual angle.

Valkyrie looked at him and rolled her eyes, and then she held out her hands. "Present," she demanded.

Skulduggery's eyes flickered to her. He made an effort not to smile wider. "You're not getting your present."

Valkyrie frowned. "Why?"

"Because it was a _Christmas_ present. It's not Christmas anymore."

"Of course it is. There's 12 whole _days _of Christmas."

"They don't count."

"Yes they do."

"The twelve days are merely to let people know when it's time to take down their tasteless decorations. It's St Stephens day today, and I didn't get you a St Stephens present."

Valkyrie's frown turned to a scowl.

"That's not fair."

"Nonsense. It's entirely fair."

Slowly, her scowl faded and turned into a small smile. She raised one eyebrow. "Does this have something to do with the fact we didn't meet up on Christmas day?"

"It could have _some _relevance."

Valkyrie sighed. "I'm sorry, alright? I really am."

Skulduggery sagged. "Alright then," He said quietly, the small smile coming back.

"So can I please have my present?" Valkyrie asked, her face lighting up.

Skulduggery laughed. "Of course not."

Valkyrie stared. "Come on! Please? I promise I'll never leave you by yourself on Christmas day again." Valkyrie suddenly felt incredibly guilty as she realised the truth of her words. She _had _left Skulduggery alone on Christmas day. She felt her face fall. God, that was a terrible thing to do.

"God, Skulduggery. I'm really sorry," she said when Skulduggery was silent.

Skulduggery shrugged. "It's fine, really Valkyrie. Don't worry about it. There's 400 more Christmases to come."

"If we live that long."

"No pessimism is allowed at Christmas," Skulduggery said, then came up short when he realised what he'd said.

"Ha!" Valkyrie yelled, jabbing a finger accusingly, "You admitted it! It IS still Christmas! I want my present."

Skulduggery pouted, and then smiled. He nodded. "Alright. Fine. I'll give you your present. Close your eyes."

Valkyrie looked puzzled for a moment, and then she closed her eyes. "You better not run away."

She heard Skulduggery laugh once. Then lips came down on hers, very gently, but they didn't leave hers.

Valkyrie's heart lept and her stomach did back flips. She lifted her arms slowly and laid them gently on Skulduggery's shoulders, pulled him closer. Skulduggery broke away and Valkyrie took a moment to regain her balance, her eyes still closed.

"Merry Christmas, Valkyrie," Skulduggery smiled brightly. He dipped his fingers below his shirt, tapping the twin tattoos etched onto his skin. His face came away, revealing his skull.

Valkyrie opened her eyes and felt herself smile.

"Are you coming?" Skulduggery asked as he opened the door to the Bentley.

Valkyrie followed him, and made a mental note to get him a better present…


	118. I Don't Believe You, Pink

**HELLO! *Does little dance thing* I am in a very good mood. **

**DFS, on Monday 13****th****, are GOING TO MEET DEREK LANDY! ARGHHH! We're bringing bras, Skulduggery Pleasant buns, and a wooden spoon :D  
WOOO! It shall be hilarious. Some of our other friends are coming too, which just adds to the insanity. ARGHH! ^^ And SkulduggeryCain sent me her Mortal Coil copy so I can get it signed for her! *high 5's* **

_**MORTAL COIL SPOILERS! **_

I Don't Believe You- P!nk

China Sorrows sat in her little apartment, quietly sipping a cup of tea. Her sleek phone rang and she picked it up and answered it.

"China, my love," one of her faithful _resources _said in his love-struck tone. China rolled her eyes. "The Sanctuary meeting just ended. Skulduggery Pleasant has been elected as an elder."

China blinked, and then blinked once more. A smile twitched onto her lips. She hung up and the phone dropped onto the floor as she collapsed onto her knees, laughing so hard tears rolled down her cheeks. After a few moments, she was still roaring with laughter, lying on her side now.

The small, more sensible part of her, thanked God that she was not displaying this act of, well, _insanity_, in the middle of the Library. What would that would _that _do for her reputation?

She laughed until she was completely silent. Skulduggery Pleasant? An _Elder? _Skulduggery Pleasant, the _height _of immaturity?

Good God, what was the world coming to?


	119. You Got The Love, Florence & the Machine

**This is set after the Remnant is taken out of Tanith, which I fervently hope it is… *glares at Derek* ¬.¬ **

You Got The Love- Florence & The Machine.

Dear Tanith,

Um.

Uh.

I really don't know where to start with this letter. I guess I'm writing it cause, you know, I'm too scared to be face to face with you.

And also because Kenspeckle won't let me visit you.

I'm really glad the remnant is out of you. I missed you. A lot. And I'm going to kill Sanguine. Really kill him. You can help, if you want.

I hope that when you get out of hospital, I can make that dinner I promised you.

Steak, right?

I suppose what I'm trying to say is…I love you. I really, really love you. And I hope that you love me back…Or even just like me. Or, well, I suppose you don't have to, but you know…It would be nice.

Kindest regards,

Ghastly.

**Ahh bless, I love Ghastly :) **

**SORRY FOR NO UPDATES! I have writers block ¬.¬ **

**Join the Valduggery page on Facebook! It is the page without the exclamation mark after 'Valduggery' and it was created by the lovely Georgine Howlett A.K.A SkulduggeryCain! :D **

**Signing out, **

**Flaring Malice Rhythm 3 **


	120. This Is An Emergency, Pigeon Detectives

**VERY SPECIAL CHAPTER, MON POISSONS! **

This Is an Emergency- The Pigeon Detectives.

A tall thin figure strode through the school halls, drawing curious stares from the few moro-children he passed.

He walked briskly to the main building and entered the office. There where two people in front of him in the queue. A particularly handsome teacher stood at the front of the line, and behind him, a short-ish girl with mind-length brown hair, her blue eyes filled with adoration, as she gazed up at the teacher.

"You're gorgeous, sir," she said lovingly.

The teacher looked down at her and smiled, patting her head, "I know," he said, and then he strode away, the love-struck pupil on his heels.

Skulduggery Pleasant rolled his eyes, something he was glad he could do now. He stepped up to the desk and smiled down at the receptionist. She looked back at him, her monotonous expression shifting to a somewhat more flirtatious one as she looked up at Skulduggery's handsome façade.

"How can I help?" She asked, her face breaking into a lipstick-y smile.

"You wouldn't be able to tell me what class Stephanie Edgely is in right now?"

The receptionist nodded, her hands flowing over the key-board of her outdated computer.

"She's in English, right now," she said, smiling up at Skulduggery again, "In LL6, the building across the playground. Turn left and keep walking, you can't miss it."

Skulduggery smiled. "Thank you," he said. He heard the receptionist sigh wistfully, and he couldn't help grinning.

LL6 was easy to find, as the receptionist had promised. He could see Valkyrie in the classroom, looking very much like she was receiving a long lecture from her English teacher on the importance of adjectives. She probably was. But Skulduggery did not have time to listen to teachers amusing rants. There was evil afoot.

"Adjectives are the most important factor of writing a good story. You don't write adjectives in your essays, I shall personally set fire to you—"

Skulduggery didn't waste time knocking, and instead he strode into the room like he owned the place, interrupting the rather eccentric looking teacher whose glasses where sliding down her nose. The chatter in the classroom died down and all eyes fell on him.

Valkyrie grinned with relief and mouthed _thank you_.

Skulduggery didn't waste time with small talk. "There isn't much time to waste. Stephanie Edgely needs to be released to my charge immediately," He demanded.

The teacher blinked, along with the rest of the class.

"And you are…?" She asked.

"Running out of patience. There is evil afoot, basically, so if you wouldn't mind…"

"I'm sorry; I cannot let Stephanie out of class without even your _name." _

"I'm sure Stephanie won't be missed. Do you not find her a tad annoying? Anyway, she won't be missed, and she really does need to come with me right now."

The teacher was silent as she eyed Skulduggery, then she turned to Valkyrie.

"Do you know this man?" She asked, her eyebrows raised.

"Yeah. He's my uncle…" Valkyrie flustered for a name, "Gordon," she settled on. She paused for a moment then mentally kicked herself.

"I…Isn't he…dead?" The teacher asked, as if she was breaking the news to Valkyrie for the first time.

Valkyrie couldn't help giving the teacher a sarcastic look, then she remembered she was meant to be convincing her that Skulduggery was her uncle.

"…I have two Uncle Gordons."

"Oh. Um…Well. I suppose just this once I will release you to your uncle…" She sighed.

Valkyrie grinned and started packing up her stuff.

"He's not your uncle, is he?" A girl whispered. Valkyrie spoke to her briefly sometimes.

Valkyrie shook her head.

"He's gorgeous," the girl smiled.

"That's what he says."

The girl laughed.

"Is he your boyfriend?" An annoying boy asked, deliberately loud, grinning at the sniggers his comment received.

Valkyrie blushed, and slung her bag over her shoulder and got up. She walked to the door and Skulduggery put his hand on her shoulder in greeting as she walked out of the class room. She didn't glance back at her classmates.

"Not that I'm not grateful, but why did you take me out of class? Is there an emergency or something?" She asked as they walked quickly down the corridors, "What's the evil you were talking about?"

Skulduggery looked down at her. "Hmm? Oh. Right. The evil?...Does boredom count as evil?"

Valkyrie stared. "Are you serious?"

"Good God no. Fletcher watched a True Blood episode and some man called Damon died, so he's crying. A lot."

"So you want me to calm him down?"

"Of course not. I don't know how to work the Sky remote, so I want you to rewind it and replay the moment he dies."

Valkyrie stared again.

"I'm not kidding this time."

"You worry me."

"_I _worry me..."

**WELL. **

**I suppose you're wondering why that was a special chapter. I mean, it doesn't **_**seem **_**like a special chapter, does it? It's not very good. **

**BUT. It is a special chapter, because Mr Golden God himself wrote some of the dialogue for that. He basically wrote the plot. Well, sort of. **

**I asked him what Skulduggery would do if he had to go into Valkyrie's classroom to get her for a mission or something and his reply was… **

"**If Skulduggery had to enter Valkyrie's classroom, he would do so with great showmanship, with his hat and scarf and sunglasses, and DEMAND that Valkyrie be released to his charge IMMEDIATELY, for there is EVIL AFOOT, and THEY HAVE NO TIME TO WASTE!"**

**I laughed for such a long time.. :D God, Derek is prettaiii awesome :D **


	121. Friends, Band of Skulls

**363 reviews. **

**Wow. **

**I cannot thank you guys enough for being so eternally awesome! **

**WOOT! **

**This is dedicated to NerdySkeleton for being such an amazing writer and making me fangirl over every single chapter of awesome-ness :D I cannot thank you enough X3 **

**Love you muchly, **

**Flaring **

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Friends-Band of Skulls.

Skulduggery Pleasant did not care for birthdays. Least of all his own. He considered the 23rd October being his birthday. Well, sort of. It was his death day. But birthday sounded slightly less…Morbid. He smiled darkly at the irony of it all. The dead mean celebrating his birthday on his death day… Where was Valkyrie when he was being funny?

Oh right. Beside him.

Skulduggery turned to her and grinned. Valkyrie glanced at him.

"What?" She asked.

"It's my birthday tomorrow," he said.

"Good for you."

Skulduggery frowned and turned his attention to the road. He didn't care about birthdays, nevertheless, he still made sure Valkyrie had a good birthday. And now it was his turn to get a present.

"I _said_," he pressed, "It's my birthday tomorrow."

"And _I _said, "good for you.""

"Are you getting me a present?"

"I've already got you one."

"What is it?"

Valkyrie turned to him and smiled, fluttering her eyelashes. "_Me_!"

Skulduggery frowned again. "I hope you got a receipt."

It was Valkyries turn to frown. "Shut up."

"I want a present."

"You're acting like a child."

"Impossible. Children get _presents _on their birthdays. I, however, am not getting a present. For I have the worst best friend _ever." _

Valkyrie took a double take. "_Best_ friend?" She asked, smiling and fighting back a blush.

Skulduggery had two options. He could stammer and deny all knowledge of ever saying that and then go home and bang his head of a nearby wall, or he could play it cool, and spare himself a headache.

"Yes," he nodded. "What? I'm not _your _best friend?" He grinned.

"Well, yeah. You are. But…But you've never said that before…Never mind."

They elapsed into an awkward silence, and Valkyrie looked at everything but him.

"I still want a present, mind you," Skulduggery said haughtily.

Valkyrie fought back a smile.

"You'll get over it," she promised.

"No I won't," Skulduggery insisted. "I'd cross my arms for effect, but we'd crash."

Valkyrie gave up and grinned, "I've got you a present. But you have to wait for it."

Skulduggery nodded in triumph, and then looked at Valkyrie with big pleading eyes.

"Can you tell me what it is?" He asked sweetly.

"No way."

"Can I have a clue?"

"Nope."

"Please?"

"No chance."

Skulduggery pouted. "Bad best friend," he muttered.

Valkyrie smiled.


	122. How Can You Swallow So Much Sleep? BBC

**Hey guys! Hows life been with you all! **

**THE GOLDEN GOD HAS STARTED WRITING BOOK SIX! *party poppers* **

**QUESTION. **

**What do we think the plans are for book 6, eh? I already know one thing that happens in it (and if you've been reading our dear Golden God's blog, you would know too..) and I already know a very vague other thing (which, by the way, I am incredibly ecstatic about, and I know you lot will be, too..) So any ideas? **

**This is a bit of Valduggery, here! And awkwardness guaranteed :D**

**Flaring, out**

**Xx **

How Can You Swallow So Much Sleep?- Bombay Bicycle Club

If it was the last thing Valkyrie did, she was going to rip out Dusk's throat.

Actually, considering the severity of the wound he had just inflicted on her, the last thing Valkyrie was probably going to do was be in a car with Skulduggery while she was told "to stay awake and not stain the upholstery."

"Are you alright?" Skulduggery asked for what seemed like the 50th time since he had carried Valkyrie to the car and broken multiple speed limits.

"I'm _fine_," Valkyrie insisted, between gasps for air.

"You do look in wonderful shape," Skulduggery nodded.

"Shut," Valkyrie gasped, "Up."

"Do you have a first aid kit at your house?" Skulduggery asked.

"Does plasters count?"

"Not really, no…"

"Then no…"

"Fabulous."

The car went quiet, except for Valkyrie's uneven intake of air. She looked at Skulduggery. He was probably trying to think of a place she could be taken to heal, seeing as Kenspeckle…

Valkyrie closed her eyes to fight back tears. She didn't want to think of that.

"We could…Go to Nye?" She suggested.

Skulduggery's hands tightened on the wheel.

"I'm not taking you anywhere near _that_," he growled. Valkyrie was taken aback by the amount of vehemence in Skulduggery's tone. She stayed quiet and looked down at her shoes, her cheeks burning.

"Sorry," Skulduggery said softly. "I just don't…Never mind. I'll go to the Hibernian and pick up some things, then we'll get this sorted out at your house. Will your parents be at home?"

"Still at work," Valkyrie mumbled. She could feel her eyelids drooping. God, she was tired now.

"Good," Skulduggery said.

Valkyrie stared out of the windscreen, trying to make sense of the blurred images around her. They had stopped, and Skulduggery got out of the car. She could see him running to the Hibernian.

The welcoming tired feeling washed over her, and she fought to keep her eyes open. The unbearable pain from before was fading too, into a sort of numb feeling. Like water being poured onto a fire. Her eyes, unfocused as they were, drifted lazily to the radio. She didn't think as she slowly raised her pale, blood soaked hand to press the little button that turned on the radio. A song she vaguely recognised started playing. She didn't know what was being said…She didn't know what the song was called, or even the band's name…She just recognised it. And that was what kept her from drifting off into the sleep she so desperately wanted.

_You were my boat _

_I was your sea. _

_Together we'd float…_

_So delicately… _

Her mind wondered as her eyes stared blankly out the window.

She was going to die. She knew it. She could feel it. The numbness….The inability to remember anything…The inability to focus.

What if she just closed her eyes right now? She was sure that she wouldn't wake up…She would never see…Who would she never see again? She felt a throbbing in her heart. Maybe it was just the last of her blood pumping through her veins.

She racked her brains, trying to remember why she should live on. Why she should fight.

Images of two kind faced, middle aged people came into her mind. A man and a woman. They looked so familiar. She knew she would miss them. An image of a blonde woman, maybe in her 20s was there now. She knew this blonde women would be missed to, because her heart ached. A blonde boy, now. And a man, with scars on his face. Another two reasons to keep fighting. There was someone else, though…Someone…She couldn't put her finger on it. An image of a skeleton now. It was Death. Here to end the pain. He was dressed in…A pin striped suit. Her heart ached now, with a heavy weight like it was lined with lead. She knew she had to go to him. She trusted him. She would be safe with him…This skeleton in the pin striped suit. She smiled at him and her eyes drifted.

"Valkyrie?"

She lolled her head to the right, her glassy gaze falling onto the skeleton, who was climbing into the car beside her.

She felt his bony grip on her arm. It was Death, obviously. Coming to take her away, and she let him.

Overwhelming affection came over Valkyrie, as she looked at the skeleton. She was so happy just to be able to escape the pain. With what felt like her last breath, she said "I love you."

She didn't know why. Maybe it was just a last goodbye to everyone she loved. Maybe it was just the favour Death was doing for her.

She concentrated on the song that quietly played in the background, and drifted off. The more the pain numbed, the more her mind ceased to work, she knew she wouldn't miss anything.

_So this is the end, _

_Of you and of me_

_We had a good run, _

_Now I'm setting you free_

_To do as you want, _

_To do as you please _

_Without me. _

She was just happy to get a little rest.

Valkyrie woke up in what she felt was a less than comfortable position, especially seeing as she was dead and should be on a cloud In heaven. She opened her eyes slowly. She was staring at a white ceiling.

She snorted. Maybe she wasn't in heaven. Maybe she was in hell. Or neither existed and she was in an asylum for dreaming about vampires and Death. Or she _was _dead and just destined to lie in a very uncomfortable position forev- Oh.

Her eyes focused as she slowly realised this was her room. She was lying in her bed, on top of a pile of books she had discarded there that morning which explained the lack of comfort. Relief washed over her. At least she wasn't dead.

"Good evening!"

Valkyrie jumped at the voice and hissed as the sharp pain shot up her back.

"Thanks a lot, Skulduggery," she glared.

"Not a problem, my dear. Are you ok?"

"I'm fine. I'm not dead."

Skulduggery nodded. "You're catching up. Maybe by the end of the year you'll be able to spell your name."

"Shut up," Valkyrie snapped. Then she remembered the car journey and cringed….She'd said I love you. Oh damn.

"Now, if you wouldn't mind sitting up, there is a rather large hole in your back which I really should tend to..."

Valkyrie frowned.

"I thought you would've had I fixed by now."

"I am no Kensp…Never mind." Valkyrie's expression must've made him stop. "Here, let me help."

He took her shoulders gently and eased her up onto a sitting position on the edge of the bed, then he sat behind her, careful not to jostle her too much.

"Lean down," Skulduggery said gently.

Valkyrie bit her lip against the pain that shot up her back as the damaged skin stretched.

Very softly, Skulduggery began to dab at the cut. Valkyrie noted with relief that it barely hurt.

"I've done this before," Skulduggery said, as if he could read her mind. "There were always casualties in the War," he added gravely.

Valkyrie was quiet. He kept working for a few more minuets, chatting to her absently, probably to keep her mind off the pain. Then he fell silent.

"You need to…You need to take your shirt off," he said gruffly.

Valkyrie felt her face burn bright red. She didn't say anything. She didn't want to continue the discussion.

Gritting her teeth against pain, she slowly peeled her shirt off and held it over her front. Skulduggery made a sound like he was clearing his throat, and began tending to the part of the cut that was further up her back. Valkyrie tried not to think about how close they were, or that Skulduggery's hands were on her back…Or that her shirt was off. She cringed, wishing that the ground was open and swallow her, or that at the very least God would have the decency to end the world right there and then.

"Done," Skulduggery said after what seemed like forever. He cut off the end of the bandage and secured it.

"Thanks, Skulduggery," Valkyrie sighed, rapidly slipping her shirt on again.

"Not a problem."

There was an awkward silence for a full five minuets. Nobody moved. A fly buzzed somewhere.

"That was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life," Valkyrie said eventually, her voice shaking. She turned round to smile at Skulduggery.

"I don't know…I rather enjoyed it."

Valkyrie couldn't help smiling.


	123. Santa Baby, Eartha Kitt

**Hey guys! Sorry it's been a while, I've sort of been short of ideas…But it's Christmas soon, which opens up a whole new selection of fic ideas! *cackles insanely***

**God help you :D **

**Ahem. **

**Anyway, in other news…Uh…The fanfiction at the minute is really awesome! I'm loving it ;D How much snow have you guys had? We had a lot, and dear Druna was snowed in and I went slowly mad(-der). Um…What else? Oh yeah. I have a boyfriend and he's called Carl and he's lovely ;) And the new Skulduggery book trailer is out! And it's REALLY GOOD. So go watch on Youtube! **

**Flaring**

**X **

Santa Baby- Eartha Kitt

The Killer Supreme's headquarters weren't luxurious, by all means. It was a small hut down at a pier. It wasn't heated, or particularly spacious, but it was somewhere to rest. To clear your mind.

So long as Thrasher was not there, too.

"Hello, master," Thrasher grovelled like an idiot when Scapegrace opened the door and strode in, an air of sheer strength about him, or at least that's what Scapegrace called it. Thrasher was wearing a velvety Santa hat.

Scapegrace halted in his heroic strode and stared at the small hut. It was lit up with gaudy lights and God-awful tinsel decorations and a large plastic Santa was crammed into one corner, looking disturbingly merry.

Scapegrace took a sudden rage. "What have you _done_?" he yelled, flinging his arms up in the air for dramatic effect.

Thrashers idiot face crumpled.

"I…I decorated!"

"_Decorated? _I am the Killer Supreme! I have no time for festivities! And what are you wearing?"

Thrasher whipped off the Santa hat and held it like a stress ball, crumpling it up over and over again. "I…It's Christmas soon, Master! I just thought…"

"You thought I would _enjoy_ Santa's Grotto?"

"Well…yes…"

"Get out of my sight."

Thrasher sighed and shuffled to the freezer at the back of the hut, next to the disturbing Santa. He opened the door and looked back forlornly.

Then his eyes widened as if remembering something important, not that he ever had anything mildly important to remember. He scrambled about in the pocket of his trousers and produced a small bunch of branches secured together with red ribbon.

"I have mistletoe?" He tried, his pupils practically going heart shaped.

"Oh for God's sake…"


	124. Fight for This Love, Cheryl Cole

Fight For This Love- Cheryl Cole

Skulduggery glanced up at Valkyrie from under his fedora, the eyes of his façade sparkling like a puppy's.

"You're really pretty," he said softly, like a shy schoolboy.

Valkyrie smiled at him from across the table, turning pink with happiness, biting her lip.

"You're my best friend."

"You have the most gorgeous eyes."

"You're the cleverest person I've ever known."

"You've made me a better person."

"I couldn't live without you."

"I love the way your eyes glimmer in the moon light."

"I love that you're always there for me."

"I really love you."

"I fancy you so much."

There was silence for all of four seconds.

"….Are we done now?"

Tanith sighed and sat back in her chair, looking from Skulduggery to Valkyrie, and then at the chains which secured their ankle's and wrist's to the table.

"Well, that's five nice things about each other, now do you think we could stop the bickering while I watch Desperate Housewives?"

"Yes, Tanith," Skulduggery and Valkyrie chimed, shooting each other death glares.

Tanith nodded and released them from the chains, and they stood up, Valkyrie rubbing her wrists grouchily.

"I didn't mean any of that," she glared at Skulduggery. "You're annoying and egotistical and I'm surprised I'm not dead due to hanging round with you so much."

"And you're a sharp-tongued annoying little child whose eyes glow _red _in the moonlight."

"I hate you."

"I hate you too."

After a few long seconds of cold silence, Skulduggery's lips twitched and then he broke into a smile, and Valkyrie couldn't help smiling too.

"That's why we're best friends," Skulduggery smiled, putting his arm around Valkyrie.

"That's why we're best friends," Valkyrie agreed.

Tanith sighed and slumped further into the sofa, turning the volume up.

"That therapy worked a little too well…"

**Just for the record…I really hate Cheryl Cole! *cowers in fear* So, ahem, kindly…Kindly put the guns away? Please?**

**Please?**


	125. A White Demon Love Song, The Killers 1

**This is dedicated to Holly Swift for being such an epic fan! I love that you review loads and that they always make me smile! Love you muchly! And I love your idea ;D I will be using it, definitely!**

**Flaring**

**Xx **

**

* * *

**A White Demon Love Song- The Killers

Valkyrie noticed the light when she woke up, early of course, and she went over to the window and looked out. A think blanket of snow covered the pavements, making everything look like a blank wilderness. Or Fletcher's brain.

She put on her protective clothing and let the reflection out of the mirror.

"Where are you going?" It asked when it stepped out of the mirror.

Valkyrie glanced up at it; as she bent down to tie her shoelaces. The Reflection was becoming increasingly, not to mention annoyingly, inquisitive.

"To see Skulduggery."

"Oh."

Valkyrie started digging through drawers, looking for her phone. The Reflection stood silent, looking at her. Valkyrie was starting to grow uncomfortable.

"Do you like him?" The Reflection asked after a long silence.

Valkyrie stopped searching and looked round.

"Who?"

"Skulduggery."

Valkyrie frowned. "Of course I like him."

"Do you love him?"

Valkyrie raised her eyebrows, but felt her cheeks go hot.

"As a friend," she said a little too harshly, all her attention suddenly focused on the floor.

"You love him," The Reflection said evenly.

Valkyrie whipped her head back round, sharply.

"Shut up," she snapped.

The Reflection fell silent, standing perfectly still like a rather unnerving statue.

The silence was unbearable after a few moments. Valkyrie didn't want to think about the Reflection, just standing there perfectly still, its eyes cold and staring.

"The snow's nice," Valkyrie said lamely, mentally kicking herself for giving in to a _Reflection_, for God's sake.

"It is," the Reflection said automatically, like a well trained robot. "It's going to be a white Christmas after all."

"Yeah." Valkyrie breathed out a sigh of relief as she found her phone. She jammed it in her pocket and nearly _ran _to the window. She opened it and began climbing out. Before her other leg was out she turned and said, "Mum and Dad are leaving in about half an hour, so they'll give you a lift to Fergus and Beryl's house. Just act normal. I'm going to Gordon's tonight."

"Ok."

"Bye, then."

"Bye."

Valkyrie didn't even look back at the Reflection as she climbed out the window and jumped.

* * *

Skulduggery's scarf whipped furiously in the sudden gust of wind and light flurry of snow, yet his hat was still perched on his head. Valkyrie marvelled at this as she approached, hands in her pockets for warmth.

Skulduggery turned to her, as the wind started to die down. He tilted his head to the side, what Valkyrie guessed was his way of smiling.

"Morning," he said.

"Hi," Valkyrie grinned. "The snow's nice, isn't it?"

"It's alright," Skulduggery shrugged, holding out a gloved hand to catch a snowflake. "It's going to be a white Christmas."

"That's what the….Never mind," Valkyrie said, deciding not to talk about the Reflection, and its accusation's about Valkyrie and Skulduggery.

Skulduggery looked at her for a moment, and then spoke. "How are you?"

"I'm fine. Mum and Dad are heading up North today, to stay with some friends for two nights."

"Where are you staying?"

"Well the Reflection's at Fergus and Beryl's…But I'm staying at Gordon's."

Skulduggery nodded, putting his hands in his pockets, making a sound like a sigh.

"We better get going, then."

"Where to?"

"My place, I suppose. Do some training, perhaps?"

"I don't want to train," Valkyrie frowned.

"I don't want to talk to you, yet here I am."

Valkyrie stared at him, feeling quite hurt. She said nothing.

"I was kidding," he cried, probably seeing Valkyrie's expression. He pulled her into a surprising and sudden hug. "I was kidding," he said again, laughing now.

Valkyrie wanted to stand on his toes.

"I hate you," she muttered into his chest.

"Impossible."

"Let's just go before I shove you into the sea."

"Charming."

* * *

**This is continued in the next chapter, guys! Dinny fret ;D **


	126. Hate My Life, Theory of a Deadman

**Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm back!**

**Sort of.**

**ANYWAY, I'll continue my previous chapter in a bit, I just need some more chapters up! Hope you like this! It's short, and I came up with it at exactly 4:10 am a few weeks ago, and it is dedicated to Mademise Morte, for she is my idol and all round and VERY talented writer! :D**

* * *

Hate My Life- Theory of a Deadman.

"So Skulduggery. How are you?"

"I am fine."

"How are you _really?_"

"Tormented by the tragic loss of my wife and child, and feeling overwhelming grief and remorse for all the horrific things I have done and people I've lost. I'm also maddeningly desperate to find out why I'm still alive, instead of with my family where I most want to be, and feeling terribly, _terribly_ alone. Yourself?"

"Kind of hungry."

"Do you want an ice-cream?"

"Yes please."

"Too bad. I'm busy wallowing in self-pity."

"You're a horrible man."

"And you, an annoying child."


	127. My Life Would Suck Without You, Kelly C

My Life Would Suck Without You- Kelly Clarkson

Valkyrie waited at the pier, her dark eyes cast out over the calm sea, surveying their surroundings. There was no breeze, so the warmth of the night was there, welcomed but a town that rarely had warm weather. The last rays of sun spilled across the sky with streaks of orange and red.

The dress Valkyrie wore was just above her knees. It was a light mauve colour with loose pleats and thin shoulder straps. The material it was made of was soft and delicate and fine. Her make-up was to a bare minimum and her hair was plaited untidily to give an effortlessly pretty look. She looked lovely.

Her expression, however, did not match her appearance.

She scowled stonily at the sea, waiting for her damned date to arrive. She didn't want to go out with him. Bit he'd been polite and asked her nicely and said he wouldn't try ANYTHING, so begrudgingly, she'd agreed.

From behind Valkyrie, someone moved out of the shadows and towards her. She turned to face him, and shifted her expression to an adequately happy one, forcing a smile on her face.

The boy wore dark jeans and a dark shirt, the cotton sleeves rolled back to his elbows to reveal pale muscular arms. His hair was swept to the side, and despite his air of total calmness, he smiled sheepishly.

"Hello, Cealen," Valkyrie said, smiling with less effort now.

"Hello, Valkyrie. You look lovely," Cealen smiled, appraising her fully. Taking his time.

Valkyrie shifted awkwardly. "So, uh, what movie are we going to see?"

Cealen suddenly got paler, but his cheeks burned red. He mumbled something quickly.

"Sorry, what?" Valkyrie asked, leaning closer to hear.

Cealen mumbled it again.

"What?"

"Twi…" The rest was the same embarrassed mumble.

"What?"

"_Twilight, Eclipse_, ok?" Cealen stage whispered looking embarrassed.

Valkyrie ogled.

"_Seriously_?"

"Yes, alright?"

"But…_why_?" Valkyrie was appalled.

"I…I find Twilight intriguing…"

"You're unbelievable."

"It's fascinating."

"It's really not."

"But they sparkle. It's just…I want to know more. Tell me, does Bella marry Edward in the end?"

"I…"

"Does he?" Cealen's voice was filled with such passion and his eyes were so wide and pleading that Valkyrie sighed and shook her head, giving in.

"Yes."

Cealen practically squealed.

"Are you ready to go?" He asked, looking like a schoolboy.

"I'm NOT going to see Eclipse."

Cealen looked heartbroken. "Please?"

Valkyrie shook her head and mentally kicked herself. "Fine," she said, reaching out her hand for Cealen to take. Excitedly, he took it and started leading Valkyrie down the street as the sun set.

"As long as we can get ice-cream," Valkyrie said as they walked.

"Of course."

"Excellent."

Cealen tried to wrap his arm around Valkyries waist, and she smacked him with her purse.

"Too early in the date, Cealen…"

"Right. Sorry…"

Valkyrie rolled her eyes, and Cealen dragged her off into the setting sun for an evening with Edward Cullen.

* * *

**Because _everybody_ wants an evening with Edward. ;) **


	128. Jealous Guy, John Lennon

Jealous Guy- John Lennon

"How was your date with Cealen?"

"It was fine."

"What did you do?"

"He took me to see Eclipse."

"Oh my God."

"I know."

"I feel so sorry for you."

"Thanks."

"Are you alright?"

Valkyrie sighed shakily. "I'll pull through…"

"Be brave."

"I'll try. It was just so horrific…"

"It must have been."

"All those sparkles…"

"It's over now."

"He took me for ice-cream after, though…"

"I see."

"And then he walked me home."

"So it was good?"

"It was fine, yes."

"Will you be going out with him again?"

"Oh HELL no."

Skulduggery nodded smugly. "Excellent."


	129. Feel, Robbie Williams

Hello there!

I. Am. So. SORRY. I've abandoned you guys! I have exams at the minuet, but I promise, promise promise once they are over, I am going to update EVERY day, and I also promise they won't be as rubbish and short as this! Thank you so much for sticking with me you guys, and for all the wonderful nommy reviews.

They. Are. Amazing.

By the way, go to Youtube, type in "Marchin' On, Harry Potter" the video is the immense and the song is amazing, and there's a petition you should all sign to have it played at the end of Deathly Hallows part 2! Which I am, of course, positively WETTING myself with excitement for!

Also, search for "Skulduggery Pleasant, Accidentally In Love." It's an animated video which I am addicted to, and it's HILARIOUS! And and and if you're cruising the Harry Potter go to "Where Dwell The Brave At Heart", it's to well written, hilarious and just stunning, and read all the other stories by Scandalacious Intentions, too!

Shout out to the lovely Lythia Harpen!

ALSO- Book 6, Death Bringer! Holy crap, I cannot wait for the next instalment of my beautiful obsession to come out, on September 1st, bitches!

Thank you so much for being amazing readers, I love you all so much!

Flaring

* * *

Feel- Robbie Williams.

"Do you swear?"

"I do."

"Absolutely promise, promise, PROMISE me that you won't tell anyone?"

"I promise, Valkyrie, honestly!"

"….Promise?"

"YES! Now tell me!"

"Do you swear in the name of Derek Landy!"

"I swear I've heard that name somewhere…"

"Shut up. I need your word that you will not breathe a word to ANYONE."

"Well, technically, I don't actually _breathe_…"

"Skulduggery…"

"Alright, alright, you have my word."

" Good," Valkyrie took a deep breath. "Ok…"

There was a long, long pause for effect as Valkyrie built up the courage to unveil one of her biggest fears.

"I hate cotton wool," she said, wincing at the very words.

Pause.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Cotton wool. I hate it. The _feel_ of it, y'know? It's vile. UGH."

"…You hate…Cotton wool?"

"Despise it. Hate it." Valkyrie shuddered. "It feels HORRIBLE."

"…..Right."

* * *

It's vile, that stuff.


	130. For The First Time, The Script

Dear God, when was the nice time I did a nice proper Valduggery fic! Ah well, here's one now! Enjoy, my lovelies!

* * *

For The First Time- The Script.

It was so dark outside, that the outline of the Bentley that was parked with total expertise in the large driveway could barely be seen. It was dark inside, too. Both in mood and light-wise.

Two figures sat together on a large sofa, and despite the vast space, they sat close together. Skulduggery Pleasant with an arm of comfort wrapped around his Valkyrie Cain. She didn't cry, but perhaps that just made it worse, the lack of emotion, the lack of _anything, _really. It unnerved Skulduggery more than tears ever would. The room's atmosphere was like one of a hospital ward, where a lonely man took his last rasping breathe, before he descended to either something better, or worse, or something that was not there.

Valkyrie had her knee's curled up close to her chin, and she lay almost on her side. Her head rested on Skulduggery's rib cage, a hand on his. It would've seemed like an intimate position to anyone who did not know the circumstances, who did not know why the two embraced. Valkyrie felt comfortable being like this with Skulduggery in the dark. Not seeing anything made it easier. Easier to think.

It felt so strange being like this with Skulduggery. Opening up to him.

"Skulduggery?" Valkyrie asked. Her voice was surprisingly clear, not cracked like you'd expect after hours of no words being spoken, although it seemed weighed down by a thousand emotions.

"Yes?" He hugged her a bit closer. He wasn't much good at this comfort lark.

"Do you think we'll ever get her back?"

There was a long, awful silence.

"I don't know, Valkyrie."

"I miss her."

"We all do."

"I really miss her," Valkyrie said again, and finally felt the tears stinging her eyes. She sniffed loudly and wiped them away with her sleeve.

"Oh Valkyrie," Skulduggery sighed. Valkyrie felt him shift his weight and sit up, taking her with him. Skulduggery clicked his fingers and a flame flickered to life, illuminating the room and Valkyries face.

Skulduggery placed his free gloved hand on Valkyries cheek, and Valkyrie could feel a non-existent pair of eyes on her, watching intently. His skull was close to her face, and Skulduggery could feel Valkyries breath on his jaw. Valkyrie sniffed loudly again, and took a long shuddering sigh to calm herself.

"Sorry," she said, "I'm just being over-emotional."

Skulduggery tilted his head sympathetically. "It's alright to cry sometimes, you know. I understand you miss her. Tanith is your best friend, after all."

"She's not my best friend. You are. She _was _my friend."

Skulduggery felt something warm buzzing inside of him, tickling his ribs and catching his figuratively speaking breath before his words. A deep, true happiness. Being all chuffed and fuzzy inside. In a brief moment, his meaning of life, or _after _life, he supposed, was Valkyrie Cain. To look after his girl.

"She _is _your friend, Valkyrie. We haven't lost her yet, have we? I'll come up with some brilliant plan that defies reason and logic, and we shall carry it out with such skill and aptitude that the Remnant won't know what's hit it."

Valkyrie snorted. "I can always count on you to be humble and modest, can't I?"

"Naturally. It'll be grand, my dear. It always is. We'll get through it, and we'll be together through it all, no matter how horrifying that may seem. Until the end, remember?"

Valkyrie smiled and nodded. "Until the end."

"Good girl. Now, chin up and smile, m'dear. We'll be just grand."

Valkyrie smiled a smile so beautiful and bright, it seemed to deprive the flame in Skulduggery's palm of its job, seeming to light up the whole room better than a fire ever could.

She threw her arms around Skulduggery's neck and hugged him so tight it would surely choke anyone who possessed the ability to be choked. If you could call it an ability. Skulduggery hesitated then encircled is arms around Valkyrie. They sat in the embrace for a long time, so long that Skulduggery began to pat Valkyries back.

She laughed loudly, and pulled back to look at him, putting a hand on either side of his skull.

"You're so strange," she said, then crushed her lips down on his teeth.

To say it felt good was an understatement. Indeed, it was frustrating not being able to do anything, due to the lack of lips, but for what Skulduggery missed in lip, he compensated for in hugging Valkyrie close, playing with her hair, stroking her cheek. If the fact that Skulduggery had no lips was annoying Valkyrie, she showed no trace of her annoyance (for once).

They broke apart, and Valkyrie beamed.

"This is going to sounds like such a bloody movie cliché…But I love you."

Skulduggery nodded. "I think I can live with the movie cliché…I love you too."

Valkyrie grinned, and kissed Skulduggery again, and for the first time in over 300 hundred years, Skulduggery could almost feel the flutter of his long gone heart.

* * *

WELL, that was my go at being all profound and romantic-y and stuff! And it's also set the night after Valkyrie witnesses poor Tanith and Sanguine together. I know it's really fromage-y, but still! I like lemon drops.


	131. Born This Way, Lady GaGa

Some mush for you all.

HAVE TEH MUSH.

* * *

Born This Way- Lady GaGa.

The library was quiet as usual, and filled with what seemed like more books than air. Casual bystanders flicked through books left right and center, and others conversed quietly. It had an air of peace and serenity, which always appealed to Valkyrie. A little bit of peace and quiet in the magic world for once.

Valkyrie followed Skulduggery through the library and to the door of Chinas apartment, which Valkyrie had once kicked down. She cringed at the memory.

Skulduggery raped on the door three times, and it opened to reveal the beautiful face of China Sorrows.

"Skulduggery, Valkyrie, you're on time," she said, her amused smile matching her tone. "Isn't that lovely? Come in."

They entered the apartment, and China gestured for Skulduggery to take a seat in the duck egg blue arm chair that sat beside the dressing table. Skulduggery sat.

"Valkyrie, dear, tea?"

"Yes please," Valkyrie smiled gratefully.

China returned the smile and went over to the dresser, where she tapped a symbol on a china tea pot and steam instantly came out of the spout. She poured the tea into a cup, and handed it to Valkyrie with a flourish.

"Now," China began when Valkyrie had her tea and Skulduggery was seated. "This may hurt."

"It can't be as bad as last time," Skulduggery shrugged.

"Oh, of course not…" China said, and she and Valkyrie shared a glance and tried not to crack smiles, as they both knew it would, indeed, hurt very much.

China picked up a sheet of paper with symbols on it, and handed it to Skulduggery. "Hold this with both hands, _with both hands _I said! Hold it and don't' move. _Don't move!" _China slapped Skulduggery's cheek bone lightly as he moved slightly. "_Thank you_," she said, exasperated. She picked up a needle in one hand, and a pot of something that looked like ink in the other, then she stood up and surveyed Skulduggery, her lips pursed.

"Valkyrie, I need you to undo his tie and the first few buttons of his shirt," she said.

"I can do it myself," Skulduggery grumbled, already going to put down the scripture.

"_You will not move, Skulduggery Pleasant, or so help me you will never ever have a façade again! _I have that script sitting at the perfect height, so just stay put. Now, Valkyrie darling, please do that." China peered into the little pot she was holding. "I'm going to get more…" She turned and went over to the dresser again and busied herself with several pots and ingredients.

Valkyrie could feel that her whole face was hot, and she and Skulduggery looked at each other for a long moment, both thoroughly embarrassed. She stood for a while, clutching her tea cup, conflicted.

Valkyrie frowned. Why should she feel uncomfortable just because she had to undo a few buttons? It was only Skulduggery, after all. She needed, for want of a better phrase, to "man up". She marched forward and set the tea cup on the table and leaned close towards Skulduggery, ignoring her burning cheeks and his tense posture. With clammy fingers, she loosened his navy tie and went to undo the first button. Skin brushed bone, and it sent a shiver down Valkyries spine. She froze, and stared at Skulduggery. They were so close. She looked into his big gaping eye sockets, searching for the depth and soul present in a normal persons eyes, and for a minute she was sure she saw it.

After a few moments, she realized she had been staring too long and she cleared her throat loudly, and Skulduggery hurried to look anywhere but at Valkyrie, choosing instead to stare pointedly to his right and not move. Valkyrie undid the rest of the buttons, perhaps going a little too far past his collar bone, just a few buttons. In a spur of the moment, she brushed her thumb lightly over his collar bone, just hovering over the tattoos that were already there, and then as quickly as she had done it, she was gone, hurrying off to sit on the bed instead of anywhere near him.

China came back over, and, after a moment of looking between Skulduggery and Valkyrie, and noting their tense posture, leaned down to begin work on Skulduggery's new façade tattoos, the corners of her mouth flicking up in a little amused smile.

"This," she said as she worked, "took me a bloody long time to make, so you damn well better like it."

"Of course I'll like it," Skulduggery said, seemingly back to his old self after the brief spell of being paralyzed with awkward-ness, "It's _me_. I _like _me. I _love _me."

"Don't I know it…" China sighed. "It will look exactly like you used to, so it might come as a bit of a shock. But Valkyrie will be there to help, I'm sure," She said, giving Valkyrie, who was still sitting on the bed, a sideward glance and matching smirk.

"I'm sure I can cope," Skulduggery said airily. "Anyone who is as astoundingly handsome as I would be able to manage."

China rolled her eyes and pushed the needle a bit harder onto the bone, and Skulduggery hissed and unleashed a stream of profanities under his breath.

"Oh, did I hurt you, Skulduggery?" China asked sweetly.

"Not at all, not at all…"

China glanced at the paper Skulduggery was holding, and then back at Skulduggery's tattoo. And exact replica. Well, what was done of it, anyway.

"Good."

Finally, it was done. China put away all her things and Skulduggery stood up and did up his shirt buttons and tie again.

"You can use it in half an hour," China said as she put the pot of inky stuff in a drawer. "Let me know if there's any problems, even though I did indeed do it to the letter. I've managed to make it last a bit longer, too. Three or four hours, at the most, if you push your luck"

"Which I always do," Skulduggery nodded. "Thanks for doing this, China."

China waved her hand dismissively. "No worries."

"Where's my hat…?" Skulduggery asked.

Valkyrie picked it up off the bed and handed it to him and he put it on. "Ah, thanks."

They left the building and walked to the Bentley, but they didn't get in.

They leaned on the Bentley, beside each other. Valkyrie tried to put the awkward moment behind her.

"Are you nervous?"

"Hmmm?"

"Are you nervous? You know…About seeing your face again?"

"Oh, that. No."

Valkyrie raised a dark eyebrow and looked at him.

"Ok, just a tad…"

"What do you look like?"

"You'll just have to wait and see, won't you?"

Valkyrie sagged. "But we have to wait _half an hour_…"

"I think it'll take me that long to get used to the idea, believe me."

Valkyrie looked at him. "Are you glad? That you get your face back?"

Skulduggery paused. "I don't know…Seeing it will be…"

"Painful?"

"Yes," Skulduggery said, so quietly Valkyrie almost missed it.

"I'll be there," She smiled encouragingly, reaching up to touch his shoulder. He looked down at her and she was sure that Skulduggery's permanent grin widened, just a little bit.

They returned to the house on Cemetery Road just over 20 minutes later, and Valkyrie was eager to get in, and see what Skulduggery looked like, though she'd never tell him that.

Skulduggery unlocked the door and they went inside, and Valkyrie turned lights on as she went through the house. Skulduggery took of his coat and went straight to the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him. Valkyrie stood at the door and waited. And waited. And waited. What was he doing?

Finally, she got impatient, and walked to the door, pushed it open and barged in.

She stared.

The man leaning over the sink was tall, as tall as Skulduggery, and he was very slim, but well built with broad shoulders. The sleeves of his shirt were rolled up over muscular arms and skin that was ever so slightly tinted, but nonetheless the skin tone of someone who had lived in Ireland all their lives.

Skulduggery Pleasant turned to her and stood straight and Valkyrie saw his face.

He had the familiar angular jaw and high cheek bones, but everything else was like nothing Valkyrie had seen before in a façade.

For a start, his skin wasn't waxy like a façade. It was clear and smooth and a tad darker than Valkyries skin. His eyes were huge, gleaming orbs, and they were very light blue, with speckles of a darker blue, and a ring of gold nearer the pupils. They glistened with tears. He had peach colored lips, but Valkyrie couldn't see much of them, because they were pressed together in a thin line. His hair was dark, nearly darker than Valkyries. It was short-ish and a tad wavy, and it flicked up slightly at the ends.

Valkyrie blinked. She'd never seen anyone who looked like he did. His features were so different from those of a modern person. He looked in his late twenties, early thirties, and despite the fact that he looked, Valkyrie hated to say the word but, despite the fact that he looked _hot, _he looked classy. Not like the men nowadays.

"Hello, Valkyrie," Skulduggery said. His voice cracked and Valkyrie had never heard anyone as sad. She took a step back, shocked. She's never seen him like this.

"Skulduggery?"

Skulduggery smiled grimly and nodded. Valkyrie hesitated, then before she could change her mind, moved forward and hugged him, one hand around the back of his next, the other around his waist . She buried her head in the space between his shoulder blade and neck. Skulduggery hugged her back tightly, burying his head in her hair.

"It's hard," he said quietly.

"I know," Valkyrie soothed him.

"I haven't seen my face in over 400 years."

"I know."

"I've missed it. I've missed everything. I missed the way things were."

Valkyrie looked up, and took Skulduggery's face in her hands. What was she doing? Where did all this suddenly come from? She didn't know. They usually weren't this…Emotional. But this was Skulduggery. As he was.

"Would you go back?" She asked fiercely, staring into those blue eyes. A small part of her felt Skulduggerys arms around her waist. "Would you leave everything right now, if you could go back to the way things were, before you died?" _Before you had a family._

Skulduggery looked at her, his gaze intense. "I wouldn't. I wouldn't leave you."

Valkyrie let go of his face and wrapped her arms around his neck, and hugged him again, there faces were so close they were cheek to cheek. Skin on skin. It felt good.

"Are you alright?" She whispered in his ear.

"Give me a minute and I'll be grand." A shiver went up Valkyries spine, hearing his voice and feeling his breath so close to her.

"It must be hard, mustn't it? Seeing…"

"Seeing a dead man's face? It's not the nicest feeling in the world."

Valkyrie looked at him, at his eyes, and his lips, and his whole face, and smiled.

It was funny. Spending every single day since she was twelve, with this man, and only seeing him for the first time. Her whole life since she was twelve, was a dead man. And she bloody well loved it. She bloody well loved him.

In the three seconds that she enclosed the space between Skulduggery and her, it seemed like all the time in the world to make her decisions and kiss him. She was, after all, one to rush into things.

When there was no more distance between them, and Skulduggery (much to Valkyries relief) hadn't protested, she reached up and kissed him, putting both hands in his hair. Skulduggery moved his lips against hers, and he tilted his head slightly, creating what seemed like sparks between their lips. Valkyrie's stomach was full of butterflies, and her heart fluttered madly. She broke away, mainly because she needed to breathe, and smiled at the expression on Skulduggery's face. A mixture of shock and elation.

"Well," she said, "I think you look just lovely."

Skulduggery Pleasant grinned and moved in for another kiss.

* * *

HELLO MY PRETTIES C: There won't be any updates from this Thursday, I'm afraid, because I am GOING TO AMERICA! *Le heart attack* Ok, so this was dedicated to Artsychick, for being so bloody awesome and writing "A Bouquet For You" which is just so damn amazing it's UNREAL. Thank you for the lovely reviews, guys! Really appreciate them! :)

From the one who married Derek with a gummy ring,

Flaring Rhythm


	132. Up In The Clouds, Darwin Deez

Shout out to Mademise Morte for writing Fanfiction that could make even Kenspeckle grin and do a little dance thing! 3

* * *

Up In The Clouds- Darwin Deez

"That one looks like a hat."

Fletcher frowned and stared at the cloud Valkyrie was pointing at. He tilted his head slightly, careful not to put his hair out of place in the process. "No it doesn't."

"It does! Look!" Valkyrie insisted, jabbing her finger at it again. "There's the top, there's the rim, and there's the little bow thing! See?"

"…Not really, no."

"You're just artistically impaired."

"Lovely."

"Where's Skulduggery?"

"What? Why would I…Look I don't know, and to be honest, I don't really care. Can't we just sit and talk without mention of him for once?"

"Mention of who?" Asked Skulduggery Pleasant, as he strolled towards the two, who were lying head to head on the grass, staring up at the sky. "Oh, hello Valkyrie. I've been looking for you. Sorry to interrupt your reflection of life, but we have to go."

Valkyrie sat up, and trying to ignore the spinning in her head which came with sitting up too quickly, flipped her hair out of her eyes and picked her coat off the ground and onto her lap. She stared up at Skulduggery, shading her eyes with her hand from the glare of the afternoon sun. "Where're we going?"

"To the zoo, my dear. To look at penguins, for we are just that amazing."

She treated Skulduggery to one of her most withering glares. "Where are we _really _going?"

"To the Sanctuary. Our dear friend the Grand Mage has called us, to investigate a robbery. Won't that be interesting?"

"Not really, no…"

"Wonderful! Let's go!" Skulduggery stuck out a gloved hand and helped Valkyrie to her feet. "Bye bye, Fletcher!" He said brightly, then turned on his heel and started strolling away, Valkyrie on his tail.

She looked back at Fletcher who was still lying on the grass, looking thoroughly confused and abandoned. She gave him an apologetic smile. "Sorry, Fletch. Maybe we'll watch the clouds another time, yeah?"

Fletcher blinked at her. "Yeah…"

When they got into the car and were on the road, Skulduggery turned to Valkyrie, saying in a conversational tone,

"Cloud watching. That sounds romantic."

Valkyrie whole face and neck burned bright red.

"Mmhmmm…"

"How're you and Fletcher going, by the way?" Skulduggery continued, seemingly unfazed by Valkyrie slowly dying of embarrassment.

"It's fine. We're fine. I mean, it's kind of…It's grand."

"It's kind of what?" Skulduggery pressed.

Valkyrie hesitated. "It's kind of…difficult sometimes…"

"Difficult?"

"Well, no…Yes. It's just like we're forcing it to work. But it's mainly grand."

"Indeed. So, you're not sure about it working out, long term?"

"I don't know," Valkyrie grumbled. "I'm not exactly a seer, am I? I can't tell if it's going to work out…"

"No, but does it _feel_ right?"

"Kind of…?" Valkyrie faltered. "God, I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you. I'm going to go melt into a puddle of embarrassment, now."

"Melt away."

It was about 6 o clock when Skulduggery and Valkyrie arrived back at Haggard, but it was still bright and the clouds were still big white and fluffy in the sky, and Valkyrie glanced up at them longingly as she got out of the Bentley.

Skulduggery got out the other side, slamming the car door and putting on his hat simultaneously.

"I'm sorry you didn't get to finish your cloud watching with Fletcher…" Skulduggery said apologetically.

Valkyrie smiled grimly. "It's fine."

Skulduggery nodded then looked down at her. "You know, if you wanted, we could go and watch the clouds _now_…"

Valkyrie smiled. "Yeah, alright, sure."

Skulduggery did a double take. "Really? Oh, right, ok then…Let's go." With a quick glance either way to make sure no one was looking, he slipped his fingers below his shirt and tapped the two tattoos engraved onto his collar bones. Valkyrie marveled as a full face and body of flesh and blood crawled up over Skulduggery's bones, settling to form a particularly handsome face.

The face he had donned had the same angular jaw and high cheek bones, but the eyes were a deep blue flecked with green, and his hair was dark and slightly curly, and it went just past his ears, and crept down to the bottom of the back of his neck.

He grinned a broad grin, flashing white teeth from under thin pink lips.

"How do I look?" He said, raising a dark eye brow and spreading his arms out, as if presenting himself to an audience.

"Fine," Valkyrie said, feeling a blush creep up the back of her neck as she realized just how _fine _he looked.

"Excellent." Skulduggery turned and began striding down the path to the park, and Valkyrie followed, three of her footsteps matching one of his strides, so she ended up nearly having to jog to keep up.

"Slow down, for god sakes…" She muttered under her breath.

Skulduggery must've heard her, because he stopped abruptly and Valkyrie slammed into his back.

"Ow," she said.

"Do try to keep up," Skulduggery chirped, then resumed his pace.

It wasn't longed before they reached the long stretch of grass in the park, and Valkyrie flopped onto it, and instantly started picking out the shapes in the clouds. Skulduggery took off his overcoat and folded it up, setting it on the grass beside him as he lay down beside Valkyrie. He lifted his overcoat again and tapped Valkyries head, motioning for her to sit up, and when she did, he slipped the overcoat under her head.

She smiled at him. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

They lay in companiable silence for a while, and then Valkyrie pointed up at the sky.

"That one looks like a mushroom."

Skulduggery shifted his blue eyes from Valkyries face to the cloud she was pointing at. "Ah, yes, I see it. Well done, my dear, you're able to distinguish a cloud from a mushroom…"

"Oh, shut up, it's a pretty cool mushroom."

"So you think…"

"You know, I kind of feel bad that Fletcher isn't here."

Skulduggery was silent.

"I'll apologize to him tomorrow," she said, and shifted position so she was lying facing Skulduggery.

"How are you?" She said, gazing at him through strands of dark hair.

Skulduggery studied her face for a moment, and then the corners of his mouth quirked up into a smile. "I'm absolutely fine, my dear. Why do you ask?"

She shrugged. "Just. You're very secretive sometimes, so…I just thought I'd ask."

"Indeed…"

Valkyrie blushed and turned rolled over off her side and onto her back again.

"That one looks like a dictionary." Skulduggery remarked, pointing at a cloud.

"Why not just say a book?"

"Pardon?"

"Why a dictionary? How do you know it's a dictionary?"

"Well, because it's really thick…"

"That doesn't even make any sense!"

"It does, honestly. Do you know any other books thicker than a dictionary?"

"The Book of Names was pretty big…"

"Well, yes, but it's dust now."

"…So?"

"Shush. My logic makes perfect sense, yours does not. I say it is a dictionary, so therefore, it is a dictionary."

Valkyrie huffed loudly in response. "You're infuriating."

"Impossible."

"You're infuriating, and annoying, and you make no sense."

"I'm so glad you see me that way…"

After a few more moments of silence, Valkyrie laughed and pointed at the sky again. "That one looks like you," she said, grinning, pointing at a cloud that showed a very distinct resemblance to a pig.

"Oh, shut up…"

* * *

Skulpiggery.


	133. Futuristic, Mile Long

Futuristic- Mile Long

Finbar Wrong looked at Solomon Wreath. Solomon Wreath looked at Finbar Wrong. Neither spoke for a long, long time, and eventually, Solomon sighed loudly and opened his mouth to say something, when Finbar cut him off.

"I can tell what you're going to say next," he said.

Solomon looked at him as if appraising a fly buzzing around a light bulb. "That's ridiculous," he said dryly.

"See? I knew you were going to say that."

"I highly doubt it."

"Honest! Look, ready?"

"Fine..."

And then Finbar said so quickly that it was unintelligible, "Thenextthingyou'regoingtosayiswhat?"

"What?"

"Told you so!"

"Oh for God's sake..."

Finbar nodded smugly. "Knew you were gonna say _that_, too..."


	134. Man, I Feel Like A Woman, Shania Twain

Hello! I've been lazy with updates 'cause Je suis en le Etats Uni... Or however you spell it. But I have a MOUNTAIN of ideas, so it's cool!

There'll be a lot of short, nonsensical one- liner drabbles coming up, but hopefully I'll write longer ones soon!

Enjoy, guys!

Flaring x

* * *

Man, I Feel Like A Woman- Shania Twain.

"FLATACUS!"

"SHUT UP!"

"NO BUNS!"

"SHUT UP!"

"BATTERIES!"

"SHUT- ...Batteries?"

"AA batteries!"

"Oh _SHUT UP_!"

Skulduggery Pleasant entered the room and stood, looking between an infuriated Valkyrie and a hysterical Tanith. "What's with all the screaming?"

"Valkyrie's double A's!" Tanith screeched, and then burst out laughing again. Valkyrie remained looking like she's just crammed an entire lemon in her mouth.

Skulduggery tilted his head to the side. "Sorry?"

Tanith grinned like a Cheshire cat, and pointed to Valkyrie, who's arms are folded strategically over her chest, her face bright red and infuriated.

Skulduggery was silent for a long moment, and then, "Oh. I see." And then he turned quickly and practically ran from the room.

"TANITH!" Valkyrie yelled, picking up a cushion and lobbing it at Tanith's head. Tanith grinned, then her expression turned sincere, and she picked up the cushion that she'd just been attacked with.

"You know, Valkyrie," she said in all seriousness, "Maybe you could put some cushions down your bra...Perhaps bump you up to a B?" Valkyrie gave Tanith a stony glare, and Tanith roared with laughter again.

"I hate you."

"I know, No Buns, I know..."

* * *

Valkyrie now lacks boob, because I, too, lack in boob. *sulk*


	135. Heading Home, Donavon Frankenreiter

Heading Home- Donavon Frankenreiter

"You'd forget your own head if it wasn't screwed on," Skulduggery remarked as Valkyrie climbed back into the Bentley for the third time, after retrieving her purse, keys and now her phone.

Valkyrie raised her eyebrows at Skulduggery as he turned on the ignition. "You _did _forget your own head..."

"I didn't," Skulduggery said indignantly, jutting out his chin, "it was _stolen_."

"And_ I_ had to get it back for you."

"Fine. If you lose your head, I'm not going to get it back for _you_."

"Fine. Don't. I don't need a head anyway."

"...I'm fairly sure you do..."

"We'll see."

"I thoroughly hope not..."


	136. Marry Me, Emilie Autumn

Heading Home- Donavon Frankenreiter

"You'd forget your own head if it wasn't screwed on," Skulduggery remarked as Valkyrie climbed back into the Bentley for the third time, after retrieving her purse, keys and now her phone.

Valkyrie raised her eyebrows at Skulduggery as he turned on the ignition. "You _did _forget your own head..."

"I didn't," Skulduggery said indignantly, jutting out his chin, "it was _stolen_."

"And_ I_ had to get it back for you."

"Fine. If you lose your head, I'm not going to get it back for _you_."

"Fine. Don't. I don't need a head anyway."

"...I'm fairly sure you do..."

"We'll see."

"I thoroughly hope not..."


	137. Face It, Beach Fossils

Face It- Beach Fossils

"You know, Skulduggery, _technically,_ you're a Faceless One."

"...Shut up..."


	138. Pick Me Up, Isak Strand

Pick Me Up- Isak Strand

The bar was heaving with people. Dancing, drinking, laughing. Fletcher Renn caught sight of a pretty blonde girl, and he advanced on the poor dear like an...Advancing thing.

She was sitting at the back of the bar, sipping a drink, observing her surroundings with casual appraisal. Fletcher swaggered up to her. God, this would be _easy_. His plan was full proof, and what kind of woman wouldn't go for a guy who was adorable, gorgeous and practically flawless? Fletcher looked her up and down, and when she turned to him, he winked.

Time to unleash the beast. "I can play recorder to grade eight," he smirked.

The blonde frowned. "That's the worst pick up line I've ever heard." And with that she flounced off into the crowds of people, not bothering even to take her drink with her.

Fletcher sighed, leaned against the counter and took a swig of the abandoned drink.

"I will never let Skulduggery give me pick up lines ever again..."

Somewhere, a skeleton cackled.


	139. Privacy, Michael Jackson

Privacy- Michael Jackson

"Right. Skulduggery. I'm going to get a shower. Stay here, alright?"

"Yep," Skulduggery said, from his seat on Valkyrie's bed, hands clasped.

Valkyrie eyed him suspiciously. "Don't. Move. And don't go snooping around..."

"Of course not." The picture of innocence.

"Right..." Valkyrie looked at him again and then walked out the door, shutting it tight behind her.

* * *

"SKULDUGGERY!" Valkyrie screeched, trying to cover herself despite the shower curtain.

"What?"

"I AM IN THE SHOWER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?"

"I wanted to see how a sink worked!" Skulduggery stammered.

"YOU HAVE A BLOODY SINK IN YOUR OWN HOUSE!"

"...Ah...yes..."

* * *

"How a sink worked." Yeah right, Skulduggery...Yeah right. *wink wink, nudge nudge*


	140. Glad We Met, Enjoy Destroy

Hello! I am currently in Napa, USA ;D So I haven't had much time to update! But now I'm going to update, so, eh, yeah...

ANOTHER "Sanctuary Ball" I'm afraid, but there you go.. I chose this title because I'M IN A SENTIMENTAL MOOD. *cackles* And on that note, 471 REVIEWS? Wow. Just...Wow. Thank you so much guys, seriously. THANK YOU. 3

Also- FIRST THREE CHAPTERS OF DEATH BRINGER ARE UP, PEOPLE! GO READ! NOW! And, eh, this chapter is certainly not a short one liner chapter, but there shall be more, I promise! This is just the boat in the river..

Enjoy!

* * *

Enjoy Destroy- Glad We Met

Valkyrie came through the door first, stepping over the pile of mail in the hall and dumping her coat over the table. She slouched into the main living room and flopped on to the sofa, laying an arm over her eyes to block out the light.

A moment later, Skulduggery followed her into the room, shifting through the pile of letters Valkyrie had avoided. He tilted his head to one side. Valkyrie looked up.

"What?" She asked.

"What _what_?"

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"How do you know anything's wrong?"

"You hold your head differently when something's up. So what is it?"

Skulduggery looked at her for a minute. "It's a letter from the sanctuary."

Valkyrie frowned. "The sanctuary send_ letters_?"

"Apparently so..." He opened the letter and read through it for a minute. "Oh," he said, sounding half surprised, half dismayed.

"What is it?"

"We've been invited to a sanctuary ball."

Valkyrie laughed to see if he was joking, but he didn't give in and reveal his joke. "You're _serious_?" She asked sceptically. "Since when does the sanctuary host _balls_?"

"Since always, but it's really only a once-in-a-blue-moon thing..."

"But...Why?" Valkyrie asked, obviously disgusted.

"Because. The sanctuary's going particularly well at the minuet; I suppose they just want to show off how wonderful they are."

"But they're not wonderful."

"I know, but don't burst their bubble..."

"We don't have to go though, do we?" Valkyrie asked, suddenly worried.

"I'm afraid so..."

Valkyrie scrunched up her nose in disgust. "But a _sanctuary ball._ It even _sounds_...Crap."

"Yes, it does seem rather vile...But I suppose we have to go. We don't want to seem arrogant and rebellious, my dear."

"We ARE arrogant and rebellious."

"I see..." Skulduggery said thoughtfully.

Valkyrie's parents were out to dinner with friends that night, so Skulduggery had come to collect Valkyrie, instead of her having to jump out the window in a dress. He leaned against the bottom of the banister in the hall, impatient. How long did it take girls to get ready? He'd already snooped about a bit (he _was_ a detective, after all), so now he had nothing much to do. He appraised his surroundings, smiling inwardly at a photo of Valkyrie when she was maybe two or three, grinning at the camera and clutching an ice cream which had already half melted down the cone and over her hands. She was wearing a pink sun hat and matching dress, and Skulduggery vowed to tease her about it someday.

"OK," Valkyrie eventually called down the stairs, still looking in the mirror and fixing a piece of hair that had fallen out of place. "I'm ready. When I come down, act dazzled."

"Will do," Skulduggery called up. He heard the clacking of heels on the wooden floor upstairs, and he turned around just as an unfamiliar woman descended the staircase, clutching the banister to prevent a nasty accident in the heels.

But good God, she was the most beautiful woman Skulduggery had ever laid his eye sockets on.

Her dress was a floor length gown, one of a soft, black almost silk like material, which clung to Valkyrie's figure and frilled out into a soft pile of grey-silver, flecked with white fabric at the ends, where it was peppered with several tiny white crystals, which added to the shimmer of the dress. It showed just enough chest and was strapless, and under the bottom of the dress a pair of black heels were just visible. Her hair was done up in a soft bun, with loose strands hanging down, and her makeup was subtle but effective, highlighting all her best features and enhancing her eyes, which were framed with long think eyelashes.

She held herself differently, too. Taller, prouder. She looked like a woman, although Skulduggery still could see his Valkyrie shining through, in the bright smile and big brown eyes, the child-like air about her.

Skulduggery noticed and noted all this in the time it took Valkyrie to come down the stairs, and on the second last step Skulduggery offered his gloved hand to her and she took it, smiling again.

"You," Skulduggery began in a voice as smooth as Valkyrie's gown, "Look absolutely beautiful."

In a very un-lady like way, which assured Skulduggery under all that was his Valkyrie, she snorted, and jumped the last two steps and careered into Skulduggery's arms to steady herself.

She looked up at him, blushed furiously, grinned and said. "Thanks, Skul," She flicked his tuxedo. "You don't look too bad yourself."

"Of course I don't," Skulduggery said, "I _always_ look wonderful." Valkyrie rolled her eyes.

They pulled up at the Waxworks Museum, which was as cold and lifeless as ever. Skulduggery helped Valkyrie out of the car and she clutched her dress as they walked, half out of fear of ripping the dress and tripping, half out of nerves. She hadn't been seen in anything except her work clothes around sorcerers before, never mind a full length ball gown.

When they entered the Sanctuary, Valkyrie heard muffled music as they walked through the foyer. Some people stood around, sipping from glasses and chattering quietly, but the main ball seemed to be hidden behind a set of huge oak doors that Skulduggery and Valkyrie now stood outside. Just as Valkyrie reached out to push open the door, the doors were opened and the music, coming from an orchestra that Valkyrie could see at the back of the hall, hit her like a wall. It was a huge hall, decorated with chandeliers and candles, and a bar off to the side where waiters in white tuxedos were handing out cocktails left right and centre. It was warm in here, nearly stuffy, but doors that lead onto balconies stood open, letting in the cool evening air. There were hundreds of people- dancing, drinking, talking. The women were all in ball gowns, the men in tuxedos.

Skulduggery offered his arm, and Valkyrie took it, and he led her deep into the crowds of people. They nodded occasionally to people Valkyrie only vaguely recognised.

Valkyrie leaned close to Skulduggery to be heard over the music and asked, "Do you see Tanith?"

Skulduggery, who was fortunately tall enough to see over most people's heads, looked around for a moment, then looked back and nodded at Valkyrie, then took her hand and tugged her through the crowds to a woman with tousled blonde hair done up in a ponytail, with little wavy strands hanging down here and there. She was chatting animatedly to a well built man, who wore a tuxedo almost identical to Skulduggery's. The woman turned, and she beamed at them.

"Val!" She squeaked, hugging Valkyrie tightly, then pulling away to give her a once over. "_Damn_," she said, dragging out the word, "You look _gorgeous!_"

Valkyrie grinned. "Sure I do," she said sarcastically. She took in Tanith's vibrant red gown. It ended a few inches before her knees and parted in a downwards in the shape of an upside down orchid, which cut round the back of her and ended at the back of her ankles. It was a low cut halter neck, that shimmered in the light of the candles. "Tanith. Wow. You look amazing!"

Tanith laughed and poked her dress. "I hate dresses," she said. Valkyrie nodded in agreement, smiling grimly.

"Valkyrie," Ghastly smiled, walking up to her and hugging her. "You look lovely," he said when he pulled away.

"Thanks, Ghastly."

The orchestra ended their song, and instantly started up again into a fast waltz.

"I love this song!" Tanith squealed suddenly, "Ghastly, let's dance."

Valkyrie was sure Tanith had actually never heard the "song" before, but nevertheless, Tanith grabbed Ghastly by the hand and Ghastly was dragged off onto the dance floor in the whirl wind that is Tanith, and he threw Skulduggery and Valkyrie a slightly terrified look before becoming hidden by the sea of people.

Valkyrie and Skulduggery stood there for a while, side by side, watching the dancers in silence. Valkyrie wasn't sure whether the silence was awkward of companiable, but it was a silence all the same.

Skulduggery looked at her. "Do you want to dance?"

Valkyrie looked at him from the corner of her eye, and then held out her hand to him, smiling. "Sure," she said, nonchalantly.

Skulduggery took her hand and led her to the dance floor. He plucked up Valkyrie's other hand and placed it gently on his shoulder. He remained holding her other hand, so now their hands were grasped, their fingers laced together. Skulduggery placed his other hand loosely on Valkyrie's waist. Valkyrie ignored the burning feeling that coursed through her at the touch, and instead the horrible thought flitted to the front of her mind _that she could not dance_.

"Uh, Skulduggery-"

"I lead, you follow," Skulduggery said simply, as if reading her mind.

They said nothing more then, just danced, through the current song, then another, and another, and then four more. Valkyrie found that she was enjoying herself, and she actually laughed as Skulduggery twirled her, and lowered her down till her hair nearly brushed the floor, and then brought her back up out of the dip until their chests touched.

Tanith and Ghastly danced by them once or twice, and Tanith shot Valkyrie a significant look and a big grin every time they passed.

After the tenth song, the orchestra took a break, and Skulduggery and Ghastly went off to get the girls drinks. Tanith and Valkyrie sat down at the side of the dancefloor, and Tanith grinned at her, said nothing.

Valkyrie blinked at her. "What?"

Tanith kept grinning.

"_What_?"

"You know what," cheesy grin.

"Tanith, I genuinely have no idea what you're talking about."

Tanith waggled her eyebrows, went to say something, but just then Ghastly and Skulduggery returned with the drinks, and Tanith shook her head and mouthed to Valkyrie that they'd talk later.

"There you go, ladies," Skulduggery said cheerfully, setting drinks in front of Tanith and Valkyrie.

Valkyrie peered into her glass. It was a cocktail glass, filled with a clear liquid and ice, and there were two lime slices floating about. The rim of the glass had been dipped in salt. Valkyrie glanced over at Tanith, and saw she had the same thing, but had already started drinking hers, and was now chatting to Skulduggery, glass in hand.

"Eh, Ghastly? What is this?" Valkyrie asked, pointing to the glass.

Ghastly laughed. "It's a cocktail. Try it, you'll like it."

Valkyrie looked warily at the drink, and deciding it couldn't be as bad as fighting faceless god's or mad men, took a little tiny sip. It burned her throat and up her nose, and Valkyrie's eyes watered and she tried not to cough. It did not taste nice at all. A bit like cleaning fluid. But she saw that Ghastly was watching her, waiting for her reaction, so deciding to bite the bullet and "man up", she took another, bigger drink, and decided it wasn't all that bad. The salt and the lime mixed with whatever the glass contained, tasted tangy on her tongue, and the burn on her throat lessened but still felt good.

"It's nice," she said after the burn was gone in her throat. "What is it?"

"A margarita."

Valkyrie nodded. "It's good." She looked round and saw that both Tanith and Skulduggery were watching her, and she blinked at them. "What?"

"Don't tell your parents I let you have a margarita," Skulduggery said in mock warning, "or I'll be even more dead than I already am."

Valkyrie laughed and took another sip.

The orchestra clambered back onto the stage amidst a clatter of violins and cellos, and once settled they began playing, and Tanith and Ghastly got up again to dance. Once they were gone, Skulduggery began chatting to Valkyrie, pointing out people who were dancing and making cheeky comments about them, and telling Valkyrie about all the moronic things they'd done, as Valkyrie laughed and finished up her drink.

"That woman," Skulduggery said, pointing to a rather voluptuous lady in a blue gown, "once sat on her cat. And then she wondered why her cat suddenly had three fractured ribs..."

Valkyrie snorted into her glass, clapping her hand over her mouth to prevent laughter, as the lady was now glowering at them both. Skulduggery didn't seem to care, because he was laughing openly. He leaned over to Valkyrie and murmured in her ear, "Do you want to dance again?" He didn't return to his position, and instead remained leaning close to her.

Valkyrie looked him. "Yeah," she said, and Skulduggery took her hand again and led her onto the dance floor, just as a particularly stout man playing a cello on the stage announced they were going to slow things down. Valkyrie put her arms around Skulduggery's neck, and Skulduggery put her arms loosely around her waist, and they danced slowly.

"You're a great dancer," Valkyrie blurted. Whether it was alcohol induced or not, Skulduggery seemed amused. He cocked his head to the side.

"I've had a while to practice."

They didn't say anything else, and after a while Valkyrie leaned her head on Skulduggery's shoulder, and stifled a yawn.

Skulduggery looked at her. "Are you tired?"

"A bit."

"Let's get some fresh air," he said, and then turned and walked towards a set of glass doors that stood open, where outside was a vacant balcony. They both leaned their arms on the railings, and looked out over a glimmering Dublin city. Despite the distant traffic and bustling of the city at night time, and the music behind them, the balcony was peaceful.

"I didn't know you could dance," Valkyrie said after a while, nudging Skulduggery and smiling.

Skulduggery glanced at her, or at least, tilted her head towards her a fraction. "There's a lot you don't know about me."

Valkyrie looked back out over the city. "I will some day."

Skulduggery didn't object. In fact he didn't do anything except nod once.

"I'm really glad that I stayed at Gordon's that night," Valkyrie blurted. Skulduggery tilted her head towards Valkyrie questioningly. Valkyrie flushed. "I mean, after the will reading, I'm really glad I stayed at Gordon's that night instead of going to get the car fixed with my mum," Skulduggery was still looking at her silently, so she continued, clutching the fabric of her dress. "Like, if I'd gone, then I wouldn't've met you, would I? And then I'd probably be sitting at home right now by myself doing homework. Instead, I'm at a ball in the middle of a magical sanctuary with a living Skeleton, which is decidedly better."

Skulduggery looked at her a little longer, then, "I think we would've met anyway, Valkyrie. Sooner or later."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Valkyrie smiled. "I'm really glad we met."

Skulduggery looked at her. "Me too, Valkyrie." They stood in silence for a while, before Skulduggery added, "Even if you are completely obnoxious."

Valkyrie scowled.

* * *

Random assed ending. Random assed in_deed_.


	141. Cat Fight, Technoboy

Cat Fight- Technoboy

"MEOW."

"OH MY GOD VALKYRIE _THERE IS A CAT IN HERE!_"

"Skulduggery, that's Tanith."


	142. Taylor Swift, Better Than Revenge

Taylor Swift- Better Than Revenge

"Valkyrie?"

"Yes, Skulduggery?"

"Why...Why oh why is the Bentley _orange?" _Skulduggery forced himself not to break down screaming.

"Dunno," Valkyrie shrugged, casually stuffing her orange paint splattered hands in her pockets.

There was a long pause, and then:

"Is this because I broke your ceramic cat?"

"I LOVED THAT CAT!"

"..."

* * *

Never mess with Valkyrie and her ceramic cats. _Ever_.


	143. Fate, Lydia

Fate- Lydia

There once was a man who died. He died a horrible death. An agonising death. He left behind loved ones.

He felt himself float, when he died. Float up to a place that was white and bright, where he could peer over at the loved ones over a ledge.

He saw his two brothers, their wives, their children.

He saw his best friend, and for one maddening moment he wished that his friend had not lived on, that his friend was right beside him, but he let it pass, the maddening feeling. He felt guilt for wishing his friend to be dead with him. _Properly _dead, that is.

He saw them all standing together, grim faced and cold, staring as a coffin was lowered into the ground. He saw his favourite niece. His Steph, peer round at his favourite friend.

And an idea struck him.

His last act, before leaving them to make decisions and live and laugh and carry on with one less person in their lives. It would be a good act.

He gave Stephanie Edgely a gentle shove. A very gentle shove, towards Skulduggery Pleasant. Just a helping shove. Just a shove that would help them on their way to stumbling across each other. And then he gave Skulduggery Pleasant a little shove towards Stephanie Edgely. Fate did the rest. Brought them together.

The living skeleton collided with the girl with dark hair and dark eyes.

Gordon Edgely grinned.


	144. Forget You, Cee Lo Green

Forget You- Cee Lo Green.

Geoffrey Scrutinous looked at the twins. "There's no such thing as magic."

Carol and Crystal blinked at him. "Yes there is," said Crystal.

"Our cousin, Steph- Well, Valkyrie, _she's_ magic!"

Geoffrey looked Carol and Crystal in the eye in turn. "There's no such thing as magic. Your cousin can't do magic, and neither can you two."

Crystal and Carol started to nod. "Yeah, yeah your right..." Carol said, a faint smile on her face now.

"I am. There's no such thing as magic, or Remnants, and Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain do not exist."

Crystal frowned. "Of course they don't exist. Magic isn't real."

Geoffrey nodded, satisfied. "Good. Exactly right girls. Now you're going to go home, and go back to your normal lives of no magic, yes?"

"Yes," the girls said simultaneously.

"Good girls. Right, bye bye then!" Geoffrey turned on his sandal clad heel and wandered off, throwing them a casual wave over his shoulder.

Carol and Crystal looked after him for a while, and then turned and walked home, all thoughts of magic gone from their minds for forever.

* * *

I love Scrutionous. He's so...Weird.

:D


	145. Know Your Quarry, Biffy Clyro

You'll guess why I chose this title further down... Plus- I like this song!

* * *

Know Your Quarry- Biffy Clyro

"I know who you are. You're Valkyrie Cain, aren't you?" The man was called Feregan Jack, and he was a very dangerous man. Unless, of course, he was tied to a chair, which he was. "You're a very successful girlie, aren't you?" He continued in a pained growl. Blood dripped from the wound on his head onto the concrete floor. "You're friends with the Skeleton."

Valkyrie, who stood in the shadows out of sight, did not answer. Feregan had been speaking since he'd woken up, and conscious people tended to be more of a threat, therefore Valkyrie did not want to risk taunting him until Skulduggery got there.

"How did you find me, by the way?" Feregan asked in an attempt at a conversational tone, despite his burning desire to rip his captor's head from their body. His voice was low and husky. Menacing.

Again, Valkyrie didn't answer. Feregan turned his head in her direction and Valkyrie shrank back behind a crate. If she looked at this man, it would be all over.

The thing about this man, what made Feregan Jack so dangerous, was that one look into his eyes and-

"I know why you're hiding from me," Feregan said happily, barking a laugh devoid of humor. "You're scared, aren't you? The skeleton told you what I could do. You know that I can turn you to _stone_, don't you? And I will. The minute you move, I will _destroy _you."

Valkyrie scowled. Skulduggery had told her not to speak, not to interact with this man, and most importantly not to come into his line of vision while Skulduggery was gone, and Valkyrie had been good, done what she was told, but being threatened with destruction? Over the line, in Valkyrie's book.

"Funny," Valkyrie snapped from behind the crate, "All this talk, but guess which one of us is tied to the chair?"

Valkyrie didn't look to know Feregan was glowering at the crate she stood behind.

"What age are you?" He asked after a long moment. "You don't _sound _old. I heard you took down Nefarian Serpine, Baron Vengeous,and then you took down Faceless Ones themselves and then went into their world to get the skeleton back. But you don't sound much older than fifteen. "

Again, Valkyrie didn't answer. She did not like this man.

"You _are _fifteen, aren't you?" Feregan said gleefully. "Sixteen at the most, I suspect. I heard you took down all these people, but I bet you couldn't even take down a Christmas tree."

Valkyrie opened her mouth to answer, but was thankfully interrupted by a familiar and much welcomed voice.

"Hello there Feregan! How've you been?" Skulduggery Pleasant said cheerfully. Valkyrie peeked out from behind the crate and saw that Skulduggery was standing directly behind Feregan, whose body was tense and whose expression was one of someone trying to suppress fear. Valkyrie hadn't even heard Skulduggery come into the warehouse.

"Skeleton," Feregan said in a friendly greeting, though his jaw was locked and his teeth were gritted.

"Haven't seen you in a while, Feregan." Skulduggery walked until he was facing Feregan.

"Last time we met, you sent me to jail," Feregan said hostily, apparently thinking better of the friendly charade.

"I did indeed," said Skulduggery cheerfully.

"But I escaped."

"And a fine job you did of it, too. Well, until I captured you again."

There was a long pause, broken by Skulduggery laughing. "Don't try that on me, Feregan. That little stare won't work if you've got nothing to stare into, now will it? I thought you'd realized that last time."

"No harm in trying twice."

"If at first you don't succeed, try again. That's the spirit. I'd love to stay and have a chat, Feregan, but I really do have to arrest you. Feregan Jack, you are under arrest for murder, attempted murder, and insulting my partner."

"Ah," Feregan grinned, "That's where you're wrong."

Before Valkyrie or Skulduggery could stop him, Feregan burst into flames, and the ropes holding him burned away and he stood, laughing triumphantly.

"You…Couldn't do that last time." Skulduggery said hesitantly.

Feregan ran at Skulduggery and aimed a punch at his skull, but Skulduggery was too quick and ducked, and twisted his shoulder into Feregan's stomach, grabbed him arm, twisted, and threw him painfully to the floor.

Skulduggery turned away from the heap that was Feregan just as he reached up and grabbed Skulduggery's leg, pulling him back down again. Valkyrie cried out to him and emerged from her hiding place and ran towards Feregan, conjuring a fire ball and throwing it at his face.

He laughed and Valkyrie cursed, her mind briefly flickering back to the first mage that had attacked her when she was twelve, who had been immune to fire…

But not to water.

Valkyrie stopped to concentrate, and saw Skulduggery flit past her and kick Feregan in the ribs, then crack an elbow into the side of his head. She tried to moisten the air, form a ball of water and hopefully throw it at Feregan. This worked in theory, but Valkyrie found things like that rarely worked in real life.

"Valkyrie!" Skulduggery yelled, and Valkyrie turned just as Feregan ran at her. But he didn't have his arms out, ready to punch or grab her, in fact, he looked strangely calm. Valkyrie glanced his eyes. His cold, grey, stone like eyes, and he grinned, and Valkyrie felt a tingling through her which soon felt like sand paper was rubbing down her skin.

Her right hand felt very heavy, and she looked at it and screamed. The tip of her longest finger was grey now. Grey and granite like and completely solid.

"Skulduggery!" She screamed, staring transfixed as the stone crept further down her finger, half way down her nail, now, and had spread to the tips of her other fingers.

She looked up just as Skulduggery jumped out in front of her, holding something in both his hands. She saw Feregan's eyes widen, and then suddenly, he was stone.

Valkyrie blinked.

"What…?"

"A mirror." Skulduggery said, turning to her and holding up the mirror. Valkyrie stared at him and he shrugged. "It worked with Medusa."

"But…But he turned to stone immediately? Why aren't I stone?"

"Because you just glanced at his eyes, so the affect works slower, however, it will have the same affect. Feregan, however, stared straight into his own eyes. Silly, really."

"Skulduggery…_I am turning to stone." _

"So you are. Come on, then, we better get you sorted then."

"I thought there was no cure," Valkyrie said, forcing the panic out of her tone as they strode quickly from the warehouse and the newly made statue. They emerged into the midday sunlight, and walked to the Bentley.

"Oh, there is, I just said that to completely put you off facing him. That, apparently, did not work…"

Valkyrie glanced at her hand, and saw that the fingers of her right hand were now nearly half stone, and when she tried to move them she couldn't. She suppressed a whimper.

"Don't worry," Skulduggery said, patting Valkyrie's shoulder. Valkyrie scowled at him, displeased at how casually he was taking the situation. "We'll get you fixed up. We might need to call in and see Ghastly, first, though…"

Skulduggery opened Valkyrie's door and Valkyrie climbed into the Bentley, and then Skulduggery jogged round to his side and jumped in. The minuet he slammed the door shut, he floored it and they sped off, and Valkyrie tried to block from her mind the thought that Skulduggery really was worried.

* * *

To be continued...*Cackles*


	146. Cheater, Nevershoutnever

Hello! I've been bad with uploads... Know Your Quarry Part 2 will be up soon, and it's nearly finished, but I have it saved on my other laptop, and Tumblr does not load on that laptop, but it loads on this one, so, y'know, I've been using **this **one... I'll get on as soon as I can and upload Part 2, but for now, I have a couple of little ideas to play about with...

* * *

Cheater- nevershoutnever.

Valkyrie stared at her revision. She stared some more. The revision cards sat there, looking colourful and bright and interesting, and every time Valkyrie decided to read one of them, she got through half a sentence on World War Two and then became bored and lapsed into the quiet staring again.

There really was no point in her revising, after all. She couldn't remember it all. She kept the space in her mind for more important things, like all her training with Skulduggery, and how to remember to work the oven, and how to spell her name etc. Etc. And really, World War Two was over anyway... it was, in fact, history. End of.

What she needed- was twice the memory space.

That was it.

Valkyrie leapt up, alarming even herself at her sudden bout of hyper activeness, and bounded to the mirror. She poked it, and watched her reflection come to life and step out.

"I need your help," Valkyrie said before the Reflection could utter a word.

"With what?"

"Revision."

The Reflection, unlike Valkyrie, did not make a face similar to the expression of someone who had been presented with a pile of rotten eggs at the word "revision", and instead remained looking blank and rather uninterested. Valkyrie silently hoped that wasn't her own normal expression.

"Let's get started then," Valkyrie said, sitting down at her desk. The Reflection followed and pulled up a chair. "Right," Valkyrie said, pushing a text book towards the Reflection and jabbing her finger at a paragraph. "You revise this, and I'll revise this, then we'll swap in an hour, alright?"

"Alright."

* * *

Skulduggery Pleasant climbed through the window of Valkyrie Cain's bedroom, tripped over a shoe, fell and rolled to his feet, praying no one saw him.

"Hello," he said brightly, dusting of his jacket and surveying the room.

"She's asleep," The Reflection said from the desk, where it sat with a pen in one hand, a text book in the other.

Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie, who lay curled up on the bed, fast asleep, muttering to herself. "I see. And what are you doing?"

"Revising."

"Right. And why are you revising?"

"Well, Valkyrie helped at first...Then she got tired and asked if I would do it."

"I see..."

There was a long silence, broken by Valkyrie muttering "You can't use _yogurt _in a chocolate cake," then rolling over and sighing loudly. The Reflection went back to copying notes.

"Well," Skulduggery said awkwardly, "I'll go then. Valkyrie could do with some sleep...But tell her when she wakes up I'm very disappointed in her for cheating on exams."

"Will do."

"Bye then..."

"Bye."

Skulduggery nodded, turned on his heel and stumbled over the shoe that had tripped him up the first time. "That damn _shoe,_" he muttered angrily, kicking it for good measure. "Tell Valkyrie to tidy her room!" He called as he climbed out of the window.

"Hello, Cat Face..." Valkyrie murmured, and then sighed again, still fast asleep.

* * *

If at first you don't succeed...Use your magic Reflection that your skeleton partner helped you make.

Or something like that.


	147. Scars, Papa Roach

Scars- Papa Roach

"You know, Ghastly, _technically, _you're Scar Face."

"...Who's Scar Face?"

"...Never mind."

* * *

Poor Ghastly.


	148. Feeling Sorry, Paramore

This is dedicated to** AngelOfTheUndead2** for being my 500th review! 500 reviews...Wow. Thank you so much, guys and girls!

* * *

Feeling Sorry- Paramore

A man sat on O'Connell Street on a park bench. His clothes we're dirty, his skin looked deformed and he smelt awful. No one paid him any attention, except maybe to shuffle a few steps away from him as they passed, to avoid the putrid smell of decaying skin and deodorant. The man, on his part, was crying. Pitiful sniffles and hiccoughs and no tears, and his head hung low to avoid having to look as anyone.

A young woman, maybe about twenty two years old, noticed him, and she sighed sympathetically and walked over, valiantly trying not to inhale his scent. She sat beside him, and when he didn't look up, she poked his shoulder.

"Hey," she said.

Vaurien Scapegrace looked up and sniffled again. "W-who're you?" He asked.

The girl ignored his question. "Y'alright?"

Scapegrace hiccoughed and nodded determinedly. "Yeah! Yeah, I'm great!" He said with false brightness.

The girl raised her eyebrow a fraction, "How're you really?"

Scapegrace's lip trembled and his alarming bright smile faltered, and then he wailed loudly and threw himself onto the girls shoulder. "I'm a terrible murderer!" He cried, "I can't murder _anyone_!"

The girl patted his back awkwardly. "There, there," she soothed.

"I'm a _terrible _criminal!" Scapegrace cried again.

"No you're not!" The girl said, pushing Scapegrace back to look at him encouragingly.

Scapegrace momentarily stopped wailing. "R-really?"

"Yeah! Sure, you haven't murdered anyone yet, but you're wanted in, what, _five _different countries? Six?"

"Eight now, actually..."

"Well that's great! I tell you, _I'd _be scared if I was told you were on the loose in my country. Criminals who are wanted in loads of countries aren't taken lightly, you know!"

Scapegrace was starting to look decisively brighter, and did not seem to noticed that his left ear was slowly falling off, despite the staples. "They're not?"

"Of course not! You're a _great_ criminal, Scapegrace! You'll murder someone one day. I believe in you."

"Really?" His eyes sparkled.

"Of course!" She gripped Scapegraces shoulder bracingly. "Just hang in there."

Scapegrace nodded. "I _will_!"

"Good man!" The girl stood up and patted his head, before turning to walk away.

"Wait!" Scapegrace grappled. The girl turned. "Do...Do you think I could...Would you let me..."

"No, Scapegrace," the girl interrupted, her tone kind but stern, "I cannot be your first victim."

Scapegrace sagged.

* * *

That's what I'd tell wee Scapegrace if I ever met the poor lad...


	149. Just Dance, Lady GaGa

**A/N What Skulduggery and China talked about while they danced in DB...**

**I MET DEREK. AND PROPOSED TO HIM. AND HE SAID YES. AND NOW WE'RE GETTING MARRIED. AND I GOT THREE HUGS. AND I. AM. FOREVER. HAPPY.**

* * *

Just Dance- Lady GaGa.

"Valkyrie looks beautiful tonight," China commented, glancing up at Skulduggery before remembering she could not have the satisfaction of watching his reaction in his facial expression, for he had no face to express with.

Skulduggery nodded and China saw him tilt his head a fraction towards Valkyrie. "I know."

"Are you going to ask her to dance?" She stepped over the unconscious form of one of the idiots who sported a ski mask.

"I am."

China smiled slightly. "Good."

They danced in silence for a moment, before China spoke again. "Her dress is lovely."

"I always have great fashion sense, I must admit."

"Ah, so _you_ bought it for her? I should've known. Beautiful though it is, it does not look like a Bespoke creation."

"Ghastly didn't exactly have a free moment to make one for her, as well you know."

"I do. It was very sweet, you buying it for her..."

Skulduggery stayed quiet.

"You always did know how to get the women," China continued, a coy smile playing on her red lips.

"I'm not..." Skulduggery started, and then faltered. "I hate you," he said, amused.

China threw back her head and laughed. Ungraceful though it was, she felt rather free. She felt like she had not felt in years, here, surrounded by friends.

Oh good God, she was going to be sentimental in a minute.

She went close to Skulduggery, and muttered, "She's looking, you know."

"I realise."

"She's jealous, I expect."

"I bet she's just aching to show off how good at dancing she is."

"Nonsense. She told me the only kind of dancing she knows how to do is _club dancing_," she said the last two words like they were something horrible, but with a hint of good humour.

It was Skulduggery's turn to laugh. "In that case, to insult _my _dance skills."

"I won't deprive her of that opportunity anymore, then," China said, just as the song ended. She tried not to look smug at her uncanny timing.

Skulduggery nodded, said "You're all so nice to me..." He turned and dandered back over to Valkyrie, Vex and Ghastly, resting a hand casually on Valkyrie's shoulder. China followed, but stood a little away from the small crowd, rather hoping they would include her.

She looked at Valkyrie, looked at Skulduggery, and smiled.


	150. Parents, Budgie

I, personally, love this chapter...**_DB spoilers_**, though

A song that goes very well with this chapter, to listen to while you read from about Skulduggery's first line, is **Pyro, By Kings of Leon**

Or maybe it doesn't go, I don't know...

_**this is a re-upload, there's extra sentences at the end! **_

* * *

Parents- Budgie

The house was agonizingly quiet. Valkyrie sat on the sofa, watching TV with the volume down low, reaching out with her foot to gently rock the cot, in which Alice was currently sleeping in.

Valkyrie peered at her sleeping face and smiled to herself. She really was, hands down, the most adorable baby ever. Valkyrie looked at her for a few more minutes, then got up and wandered into the kitchen to make herself some tea. It wasn't that she didn't like babysitting, she thought as she put a tea bag into a cup- she loved it, in fact- but the prospect of spending the whole night doing, well, _nothing, _did not put Valkyrie in a good mood.

She put the kettle on to boil, and then pulled out her phone, dialed Skulduggery. He picked up on the second ring.

"Hey," Valkyrie said softly into the phone, "It's me."

There was a long pause down the phone, then Skulduggery, sounding amused. "You're bored, aren't you?"

Valkyrie sagged, craving company too much to even argue. "Yes. Want to come over? You haven't seen Alice yet…"

"Sure, why not. If it helps, I'm bored, too…"

"You miss me."

"Nonsense."

"Admit it. Your life would be terrible without me."

"I'll be there in 15 minutes…"

Valkyrie laughed and hung up. She poured the boiled water into her cup, stirred a few times and then took out the tea bag and added milk. She brought the tea back into the living room and set it on the table, went over to the cot to check on Alice, and found that she was now awake and peering up at her with owlish blue eyes.

"Hello baby," Valkyrie cooed, reaching down and taking Alice out of the cot and into her arms. "You're going to meet Skulduggery. Yes you are. He'll like you, I promise. And you'll like him, won't you? Yes you will," she smiled, kissed Alice's cheek. "Skulduggery's a skeleton. Did you know that? Obviously not, but…That doesn't matter. He's my best friend, too, you know. And we beat people up, don't we? We're detectives. My life would be very boring without him. No offence, but it would," she swayed Alice gently in her arms. "I love him, don't I? I do. I do indeed." Alice blinked at her, and then smiled a toothless smile, reached out and took a fistful of Valkyrie's hair. Valkyrie's heart melted a bit.

She took Alice out of the room and upstairs to her own room, shutting the bedroom door tight behind her. She set Alice gently on the bed, where she lay kicking out her arms and legs happily, and then went over to the window and opened it fully so Skulduggery could climb through when he came. She was all too used to Skulduggery's disregard for doors by now.

She picked up Alice again and began to sway her gently, peering down at her smiling face. She didn't know how long she stayed like that, but she was interrupted from her thoughts and her swaying by a familiar, gloriously velvet voice.

"You're a natural at that, you know," Skulduggery said from behind her.

Valkyrie turned to see Skulduggery standing at the window, hands in his pockets, head titled to the side. Valkyrie smiled.

"I know, I know. Then again, I'm wonderful at everything."

"You are indeed," Skulduggery walked over to her, peered down at Alice.

"This is her, then?"

Valkyrie had to laugh. "No, this is just a spare we keep around. The real one's downstairs, hang on…"

Skulduggery laughed. "She's lovely," he said softly, reaching down a hand to Alice. Alice promptly took one of his long fingers in her hand, and wouldn't let go. She beamed up at Skulduggery and Valkyrie.

"I've never heard you say lovely before," Valkyrie said, a smile twitching at the corners of her mouth, her eyebrow raised.

Skulduggery snorted.

There was a long silence, as they both looked at her. Valkyrie could feel the fabric of Skulduggery's coat against her bare arm, where the t-shirt sleeve didn't cover it.

"She has your eyes," Skulduggery said softly, nudging Valkyrie with an elbow.

"No, she doesn't. Her eyes are big and blue."

"Well apart from the colour. The shape, the size, exactly yours."

Valkyrie laughed. "Well, I _do _have gorgeous eyes…"

Alice gurgled in agreement. Skulduggery said nothing.

"So," He said brightly after a long while, "Bored, eh?"

Valkyrie scowled, went over to the bed and set Alice gently on it. Her arms felt numb from the weight.

"I'm not used to a quiet night in…"

Skulduggery tilted his head, amused. "The normal life too mundane for you?"

"It always has been."

"Ah, the curses of living a constantly exciting and adventurous life…"

Alice started to whimper, and Valkyrie instantly went to her, picked her up and cuddled her, trying to sooth her. "I think she's hungry," she said, as Alice started to cry.

"I think she is."

"Here, hold her a second, I'll go and get her bottle," Valkyrie said, passing Alice to Skulduggery without a second thought. She trusted him.

"Uh…" Skulduggery said unsure, hesitating as Valkyrie held Alice before him.

"It's fine, Skulduggery," Valkyrie said, smiling encouragingly.

"Sorry, I haven't held a baby in a while…"

Valkyrie suddenly felt guilty, remembering Skulduggery's family. She worked to keep the blush off her face. Skulduggery must've noticed, because he reached out and took Alice from Valkyrie, and instantly into his arms. "I just wouldn't fancy having my head kicked in by you if I dropped her," he joked, his head cocked to one side. Valkyrie smiled. She couldn't help but notice how perfectly he held her, how at ease he seemed.

"I'll go get her bottle," Valkyrie said, leaving her bedroom and taking the stairs three at a time into the kitchen. She grabbed a bottle of milk her mother had set out for her before her parents left, and she heated it for a few seconds in the microwave. She tested it and then jogged back upstairs again and into her room.

Skulduggery stood with Alice cupped in one arm, bouncing her gently, muttering to her, his back to Valkyrie. He didn't seem to notice her, and Valkyrie stood watching him, smiling widely. Her heart was doing strange things.

She couldn't quite hear what Skulduggery was saying, but Alice had stopped crying, and had a tiny fist clamped around his tie, beaming.

Valkyrie quietly came up behind Skulduggery, and slipped a hand through is free one.

"Oh, hello," Skulduggery said. He sounded cheery, though slightly embarrassed.

"You think I'm a natural? You should see yourself," Valkyrie grinned.

She felt Skulduggery's thumb brush the back of her hand. It sent shivers up her, but neither of them said anything. "I bet she's the opposite of you."

Valkyrie frowned. "Sorry?"

"Alice is quite quiet…She's a good baby. You seem like you would've kicked up a fight with anyone at the age of 2 weeks."

Valkyrie laughed. "So would Alice, believe me. But only with people she doesn't like. You should see her around Beryl… She seems to like you, though."

"I'm a likeable person."

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow. "Oh yes, you have so many friends…"

"Quality, not quantity, Valkyrie…"

"Have to agree with you, there…"

Alice wriggled in Skulduggery's arms, held a small chubby hand out to Valkyrie. Skulduggery handed her to her, and Valkyrie cuddled her. Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie, with his head tilted at an odd angle. For once, she couldn't tell what he was thinking.

"You'd make a great mum," Skulduggery said, deadly serious.

"Skulduggery, _hell no_…"

Skulduggery laughed. "You would."

"Ruining the moment, here, Skulduggery!"

"Right, sorry…"

Valkyrie looked up at him through her eyelashes, and he looked right back at her, and she knew he was smiling.


	151. Family Portrait, Pink

Family Portrait- P!nk

"Daddy?"

Skulduggery Pleasant looked up from his paper, stared at his four year old son. "Yes?"

Cabhin looked at his father with doe like eyes. "Mummy didn't feed me."

Skulduggery stared at Cabhin for a minute. "Right..." He set his paper on the kitchen table and got up. He picked up Cabhin, hugged him close. "What does mummy usually give you to eat?"

Cabhin stared at him again, with those big green eyes. "Umm..."

Skulduggery nodded. "Not vague at all, son, not vague at all. Come on then, we better get you some tea. Well, I suppose your mother didn't feed you because she's insane...It's the only explanation, really." He paused and looked at his son. "Don't tell her I said that."

Cabhin beamed, patted Skulduggery's cheek bone. "Pwomise I won't tell mummy."

"That's my boy. Now..." Skulduggery plonked Cabhin on the kitchen worktop, and staring rooting through drawers. "Uh...Pasta?" He asked, showing Cabhin a bag of dried penne pasta.

Cabhin shook his head violently, his tiny legs swinging over the side of the worktop. "Nope."

"Rice?"

"Nope!"

"Um...Flour?"

Cabhin giggled, and Skulduggery's perpetual grin practically widened. "No, daddy!"

"Honestly, kids these days, so picky!" Skulduggery sighed dramatically, moving to the fridge and opening it with a flourish.

"Let's see now...Carrots?"

"Nope!"

"Yogurt?"

"Nope!"

Skulduggery sighed loudly, and then spotted something. "A_ha_!" He pulled a large bar of chocolate out of the fridge, and waved it a Cabhin. "Chocolate! Children like chocolate, I think? It's an...Unhealthy sort of sugary thing. Kids like that, don't they? You like it, don't you?"

"Chocolate!" Cabhin exclaimed happily, clapping his little hands.

"Glad you approve," Skulduggery said, amused. He removed the wrapper and handed the bar to Cabhin, who instantly began munching happily, humming to himself.

Skulduggery came up and leaned on the counter beside him, ruffling his son's hair. "I love you, son, you know that?"

Cabhin looked up from his chocolate. "Yes, daddy. Love you too," and then resumed nomming.

Skulduggery looked at him for a long, ridiculously sentimental moment, then shook his head, and walked off, towards his favourite chair and his newspaper.

He settled down in his chair, and then paused. "Oh, and Cabhin?"

Cabhin looked up from his chocolate with a quizzical look.

"Don't tell your mother I gave you chocolate for tea, alright?"

Cabhin beamed. "Pwomise I won't!"

* * *

"!"

Cabhin tore through the house like some sort of sugar fuelled mouse, as his father desperately chased after him, using every tactic from begging, coaxing, crying, and long strings of profanities and threats...

There was a loud clatter and crash as a vase smashed, and then a groan from Skulduggery as he thought about how much his dear wife was going to throttle him for the vase.

Skulduggery ran into the large living room, where his son was bouncing on the sofa, grinning.

"Cabhin," Skulduggery said sternly, striding over to his son slowly to give an air of authority. "Calm down."

Cabhin did not cease bouncing. He grinned from cheek to cherub cheek.

Skulduggery approached Cabhin slowly, his hands out in some sort of self defence, and then suddenly he made a grab for Cabhin, who tore off the sofa, through Skulduggery's legs and off down the corridor.

Skulduggery stared after him for another minute, then after a resounding crash, gave chase again. My God, if Valkyrie saw what Skulduggery had reduced their son to...

And as if on cue, heard the click of the lock and Valkyrie came through the door, with a "Skulduggery? Why is there a broken vase lying in the corridor?"

Skulduggery froze, and quickly scuttled back into the living room and poked his head around the living room door.

"Uh...I'd explain to you, but indeed, I have no intention of being even deader than I am now. So I'm going to go now, thank you." Skulduggery disappeared into the living room again, and waited in suspense for Valkyrie to come in and demand what had happened, but she walked on past the living room. "Cabhin?" She called, "Cabhin! Where are you?"

Skulduggery, who was still nervously hovering in the living room, saw Valkyrie pass, and then heard "MUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!" and a grunt from Valkyrie as their four year old son barged into her and latched onto her waist where he excitedly began to tell his mother about how his daddy had fed him chocolate and how it had been the best dinner ever and how he could no longer stop bouncing because he was so filled with the stuff.

Skulduggery sighed. So much for father-son trust.

"Alright, alright, calm down," Valkyrie said, picking Cabhin up and walking to the living room. She came through the door, and walked slowly to Skulduggery who was standing in the middle of the room, trying his best to look unfazed, though his stance was that of a man that was face to face with someone wielding a gun.

Valkyrie stopped when she was practically nose to nose with Skulduggery. Well, nose to chest...Well, nose to rib cage.

"So, Skulduggery," She said menacingly. Cabhin wriggled excitedly in her arms, still on his sugar high.

"...Hello, dear."

"You. Fed. Cabhin. Chocolate. _For __dinner_."

Skulduggery took a step back. "_Did _I? Good God, I don't even _remember_-"

"Skulduggery," Valkyrie said in her most stern voice. "You know damn rightly what you did. Honestly, you're worse than Cabhin-"

"Hey!"

"Sorry, pet. Honestly Skulduggery, I even set out a note on the bloody counter saying there was food in the oven for him!"

Skulduggery paused. "I...See..."

"Well, clearly you didn't, because instead of a proper meal, Cabhin received a large bar of chocolate."

Skulduggery took a step towards Valkyrie and slid an arm around her waist, pulling her closer.

"I love you," he said.

Valkyrie laughed. "Oh, no, you're not getting away that easily, _hell_ no..."

Skulduggery looked at her, then down at his son, who was gazing at them both with owlish eyes.

"Fine," Skulduggery said, kissing Valkyrie's forehead and then Cabhin's. "I'm a terrible father, a hopeless husband and very, very bad at feeding my son. The only thing good about me, really, is my impeccable dress sense, astonishingly good looks, unbelievable intelligence, charm and general air of worldliness."

Valkyrie raised her eyebrow. "I'm pretty sure you listed more good things about you than bad..."

"That's because I'm one quarter bad and three quarters amazing."

"Or that's what you tell yourself, anyway..."

"I'm sorry for being an irresponsible father, and I am entirely responsible for the broken vase and the fact that Cabhin is going to keep us up all night."

Valkyrie smiled. "Alright, fine, you're forgiven."

"I always am."

Skulduggery hugged Valkyrie and kissed her forehead again, and Cabhin, who was smushed in between his parents, was just glad to be in the middle of a cuddle.

They broke away and Valkyrie sighed and set Cabhin down and took his hand. "Well, I'm going to take Mr Hyper here up to bed, try and calm him down a bit." She gave Skulduggery and exasperated smile and then led Cabhin out of the room.

"Mummy?" Skulduggery heard Cabhin chirp.

"Yes, love?"

"Daddy called you insane."

Skulduggery tensed.

Oh good God.

There was a very long pause, and electricity literally crackled in the air.

"Oh, did he now...?" Valkyrie said, venom in her tone.

Skulduggery wondered, in the time it took Valkyrie to reach the living room, how far he could run...

* * *

How long have I been with uploads? How long?

Very.

I am SO sorry, guys!

ANYWAY, developments: I'm now, after my proposal in London, am married to Derek Landy. *Sniff* It's so emotional! Also, happy belated birthday to my husband and happy belated Halloween! Promise I'll upload more chapters for yo crazy asses to nom C:

LOVE YOU ALL.


	152. Christmas Tree, Lady GaGa

I AM SO SORRY FOR NO UPLOADS. SO, SO SORRY, I LOVE YOU ALL.

* * *

Christmas Tree- Lady GaGa.

December 16th. It was _freezing_. Valkyrie literally ran to Skulduggery's front door to escape into the heat. She jammed the key in the lock and shouldered the door opening, collapsing into the warmth of Skulduggery's house. Skulduggery came in behind her and shut the door to keep in the heat, as Valkyrie shrugged out of her coat and dropped it in a heap on the floor.

"Tea?" Skulduggery asked, as he hung up his scarf and hat on one of his numerous hat stands.

"Please."

Valkyrie went into the living room in search for a blanket to curl up in, and stopped dead in her tracks. In the corner of the room, stood a large glittering Christmas tree. Strings of lights encircled the it, and it was a real one, too, as Valkyrie could smell the glorious pine smell she always associated with Christmas. Shining baubles hung from the branches, red, white, silver, green and gold, and Valkyrie couldn't help but grin.

"And before you start complaining," Skulduggery remarked from right behind her, "I've left some decorations for you to put on."

Valkyrie beamed at him. "Good, I couldn't bear to think you'd decorated the tree without me. It looks beautiful, though..."

"It was nothing," Skulduggery said gruffly, shifting where he stood. "I just supposed...The place could do with being brightened up a bit, what with Christmas and all that..."

Valkyrie nodded thoughtfully.

"Anyway, the rest of the decorations?" Skulduggery said brightly, clapping his hands together and striding in that eternally graceful way of his to the tree, from under which he pulled out a box of decorations and pressed them into Valkyrie's arms.

"Right, see that snowman?" Skulduggery said, pulling a glass snowman out of the box. "Put it on that branch just there..."

Valkyrie, with raised eyebrows, set down the box and took the snowman off him, and put it on the desired branch. "Please don't tell me you're giving me instructions on how to decorate a Christmas tree..."

"Nonsense, just giving you a gentle nudge towards doing the right thing...Although my expertise input never hurt anyone, did it now?"

"And if it did, you managed to ignore it and remain sure that you're simply amazing?"

"Ex_actly_."

The following half hour was spent with Skulduggery handing Valkyrie decorations and directing her to each branch. Valkyrie didn't complain about being bossed about, though. She could tell Skulduggery was enjoying himself, as was she, and that made her smile to herself as they decorated the tree and chatted away.

"There," Valkyrie sighed happily, putting her hands on her hips and stepping back, "I think that's it. It's really nice."

"I'm glad you like it. Oh, I left you this, too..." Skulduggery strode over to a desk against the wall and opened the top drawer. He took something out, and turned to present a glittering gold star to Valkyrie.

Valkyrie held it carefully in her hands and stared up at Skulduggery for moment.

"Well, go put it on, then," Skulduggery said, gesturing to the lavish tree before them.

Valkyrie, almost ceremoniously, stretched on her tip toes to place the star on the very tip of the tree.

"There," She said happily, standing back to admire her handiwork. Skulduggery came to stand beside her and nodded.

"Certainly makes things more festive..."

Valkyrie inhaled deeply. "I love the smell of pine trees."

"It's far better than that artificial tree nonsense nowadays..."

"Agreed." Valkyrie rolled her head to look at him, "Thanks, by the way," she said softly, bumping him lightly with her shoulder.

Skulduggery nudged her back and said nothing.

"So, what about that tea, eh?" Valkyrie grinned after a moment, tearing her eyes from the tree and going over to loll on the sofa.

"Absolutely," Skulduggery nodded. Just as he left the room, he turned back and looked at Valkyrie as she pulled a blanket over her lap. "You know, that was my first time decorating a tree in nearly two hundred years..."

Valkyrie gaped. "Seriously?"

"Seriously. I must admit...I've missed the whole Christmas lark a tiny bit..." He made to leave the room again, and then once more stopped dead and looked back at her. "Don't tell anyone that."

Valkyrie laughed.

"I'm not promising anything. It'll be something to hold against you in future."

"Sometimes I wonder why I keep you around..."

"So we can decorate Christmas trees together."

"Yes, that would be it."

"That, and I'm just an amazing person in general and an asset to your reputation."

"I think you've been inhaling too much of that pine smell."

"Shut up and go make me my tea."

Skulduggery laughed loudly and left the room, whistling "Good King Wenceslas", and Valkyrie rolled her eyes fondly.

Sometimes she really did love Skulduggery.


End file.
